The following is a continuation of the diary of Ruth Bryan. 1833, January 18th. My health is very much declining again. I endeavor to say as little about it as I can, not wishing to grieve my dearest mother, but I begin to think that there must be something seriously wrong. Temporal circumstances are dark and trying, and my soul much distressed. The conflicts of the last week have been very severe. Storm, tempest, and the horrible darkness have been my experience. And why? Because for some time I have been walking at a distance from my Lord, grown remiss in private duty and at length indulged in one of my besetting hard sins, thereby giving Satan an advantage. And when I would have roused myself, he let me know that I had opened the door of my heart to him, and it was out of my power to close it against him. For when I strive to humble myself before the Lord, confessing my sins and longing to forsake them, he presents temptations to my soul with such power that I'm thrown into confusion. and sometimes know not whether I've yielded or not, being only able to say, Jesus save. Jesus save, over and over again, as quickly as I can repeat the words in my mind, temptation passing through it at the same time with equal rapidity. And I afterwards feel all the guilt and distress of having taken part with the tempter, though I am sure I do not intend to do so. I am indeed in a woeful state, and the Lord hides himself from me. But it is more just, and I do not suffer a thousandth part of what I deserve. Whenever I am inclined to yield to my sinful inclinations, may I read this and remember the bitterness of the draft and take warning. And oh, may the Lord in mercy condescend to look upon my sore distress, sprinkle my conscience with cleansing blood, seal home a sense of forgiving love upon my soul, and enable me to walk humbly before Him, the residue of my days, fearing nothing so much as His frown. February 23rd Sabbath I have for some time been walking in darkness, but last Sabbath Eve was much relieved. We received a letter from Birmingham containing a disappointment with regard to money matters. Instead, however, of depressing me, comfort seemed to flow into my soul. The Lord's ways towards me are wonderful indeed. Past week, my mind has been somewhat calm, but not rejoicing. May 10th I have suffered more from extreme weakness the last week than in any former period of my life, and Satan, my cruel enemy, has taken the advantage of it during the night. When unable to sleep, I have been almost in the belly of hell. and my mind at times so confused by temptation that I've not been able for a season even to cry for relief. The Lord has, however, in mercy partly restored my health and delivered me from the violent assaults of the enemy. I've been much blessed in reading an old book, The Life of Elizabeth Cairns, written in 1752, at which I often and before looked. but never thought it interesting and said time for me to enjoy it was not come. August 4th. Temporal things appear dark and distressing. During the past week, my mind has been much exercised about my present employment, not knowing whether I'm in the path of duty or whether I ought not to seek a more lucrative one. May the Lord direct me. For myself, I do not desire great things and shrink exceedingly from the idea of entering more into the world. Quiet and retirement are much prized, but I wish to follow the leadings of Providence. May the present darkness be removed from my mind and my way made clear. I have at this time nothing at all to do, but the Lord has done wonders for me and I would not distrust. Spiritual things are at a low ebb with me. I am reading John Owen on the glory of Christ. He is an author I much value. His writings are very searching. I find I've been too anxious about worldly things for some time's past and the neglected spiritual duties. and in consequence have to cry, my leanness, my leanness, may the Lord restore me. It is he alone that can bring me with weeping and supplication to his footstool. Alas, alas, a little reason have I too hoped that I'm a Christian indeed. Oh, for a closer walk with God. August 12th, again favored with employment, for which I desire to be thankful. and take it as a token that I am in the right path of duty. But if not, may the Lord convince me of my mistake and lead me in the way he would have me go. My heart is hard and unfeeling. Lord, revive me. I long to walk cheerfully in your ways, enjoy daily communion with you, and bring forth fruit to your glory, but begin to think I never shall until I am more dead to the world. I believe the indulgence of a carnal spirit is the bane of my happiness. Divine and Almighty Spirit condescend to deal with my poor dead soul. Enable me to crucify the flesh. Deny self. Forsake the world and be spiritually minded. I would not always live at this poor dying rate. August 14th, my feelings are most tried. Last evening my dearest mother was so poor that she was obliged to come out of chapel. Oh, how is my heart agonized at the very thought of losing her in the slightest indisposition which attacks or occasions me the severest distress. Thanks to the Lord she is much better this morning. Bless the Lord, O my soul. I know not what is in the womb of Providence, whether my dearest parent or myself will first be called away to the grave, but from my present feelings I should think I could not endure the anguish of losing her. I know with God all things are possible. May He bestow upon me a submissive spirit, and if it be His will, long spare my dearest mother. September 1st. I feel much darkness and ignorance in my mind respecting the life of faith. I fear mine is a life of sins. May the Holy Spirit condescend to instruct me on this important subject. and may the life I henceforth live in the flesh be by the faith of the Son of God. I am longing for a revival, but feel much deadness and not that spirit of prayer I wish. I have again this week written to my friend and pressed eternal thanks upon her notice. May the Lord bless the message. My soul yearns over her, and often do I mourn over her condition, for she has evidently given up to fashion and worldly pursuits and pleasures. Oh, that she might live before you. September 8th. Evening. Dark and distressed indeed. Surely I'm one of those who were ever learning but never coming to the knowledge of the truth. In reading John Owen on the glory of Christ, I am led to fear that my profession is hypocritical. I do not find the beholding of Christ by faith which he describes, not that longing to depart, that I may fully behold it. Oh, that the Lord may show me my real state and not allow me to deceive myself or others. I am at this time truly wretched. My heart is cold and carnal, my thoughts trifling, and I cannot pour out my complaint before a throne of grace. I chatter like a crane or a swallow. I am at home in the body and absent from the Lord. Oh, that I may have some word this evening suited to my case, for I am in a miserable condition and deserve, richly deserve, the lowest hell for my abominable ingratitude and sin. October 15th. No tidings from Birmingham. Perhaps we shall be disappointed in both the legacies which have been left us and obtain neither of them. May we have grace to say and feel, Thy will be done. My mind is deeply exercised and much distressed. I find it very difficult to rise above temporal things. Nay, it is impossible in my own strength. Lord, vouchsafe me Thy grace and enable me to view things in the light of eternity and to feel myself a stranger here. I am sure I have been making myself too much at home in the body. And whatever disappointment may await me, it will be all injustice. And if it is sanctified, it shall have reason to rejoice. We are mistaken in thinking that our happiness in any measure depends on outward circumstances. I know from experience that, when favored with the light of the Lord's countenance and enjoying His smile, I can be happy in the midst of trials and afflictions. Why then so much anxiety about temporal and so little about spiritual prosperity? Pardon me, dear Lord, and enable me, as dear Mary Jane Graham says, to put a blank into your hands regarding outward things, for you to fill it up as you please. I did profess a desire to do it some years ago, and petitioned that I might have decision and prosperity in spiritual things. I would now renew my blink. And so do, Lord, as seems good to you. But I find another principle. Cry and give, give temporal ease and comfort. Oh, what condition am I the subject, so that I cannot do or think the things I would? Lord, strengthen the new man in me and subdue the old. And in your own time shine in upon my soul. Till then give patience and a praying spirit. October 18th. My dearest mother very poorly. My mind is much distressed on her account. May the Lord in mercy restore her. He has been very gracious in sparing her so long. I think it has been an answer to prayer. I wish to feel grateful. October 19th. Family prayer re-established last night. October 22nd, my dearest mother is still poorly. May the Lord restore her and in mercy sanctify the present dispensations of his providence, which appear very dark. Oh, how has my poor mind been tempest-tossed and agonized lately. I feel a little more calm. and am more anxious to have trials sanctified than removed. This is a desert land, but I have been expecting to find it a place of ease and rest for getting in the world. You shall have tribulation. November 29th. I have found much profit this evening in perusing my memoranda written July 19th and 26th, 1829, relative to the cross. Indeed, what I have written is proof so particularly useful afterwards on different occasions that I am encouraged to proceed, though often disposed to give it up and burn what is penned. Fearing I've been actuated by wrong motives, I have hard fighting just now. The corruptions of my nature are very headstrong. May I be kept for laying down arms, to which I feel sinfully inclined, even to make a truce with my deadliest foe, and that which formerly robbed me of my peace. The Lord have mercy on me, for I feel that of myself I can do nothing but sin. December 30th Uncle William is much worse, apparently dying. Quite insensible. I hope it will be a glorious change when he leaves the body. My dear mother had an accident on Thursday, but I hope, though her foot is much bruised, it will not be very serious. May the Lord support us and sanctify all dispensations. December 30th afternoon. I've shut myself up that I may not hear my poor uncle who is struggling and gasping for breath. May the Lord in mercy ease him, though as he is insensible I suppose he may not be conscious of suffering, but all we know not what dying is. My mind is made solemn by this. I do not doubt his safety and think him enviable. He is just on the threshold of heaven. Dare may we meet? It is a quarter to four. My dear uncle has just departed. In vain my fancy strives to paint a moment after death. 1834, January 19th. The conclusion of the last year and commencement of this have been marked by trial and anxiety. May the Lord sanctify it. I'm ashamed to acknowledge Backslider is still my name, but past mercies encouraged me to hope the Lord will again restore my soul. I expect to go to Birmingham with my beloved mother tomorrow. The Lord protect us and our habitation while absent from it. and grant us that degree of prosperity which will be most for our spiritual interest and its glory, and bring us home in peace and safety. My mind is somewhat depressed. Lord, increase my faith. February 2nd. When I view the mercies received during the last fortnight, I am lost in wonder and wish to have my heart melted with gratitude. We have been taken to Birmingham and brought back in safety. Our habitation has been preserved in peace during our absence. We have been treated with much kindness by those with whom we sojourned. My dear mother has been wonderfully supported under a considerable degree of anxiety and fatigue. And we have obtained payment of the legacies left us by Mount Pelajan which will add considerably to our temporal comforts. and I trust my beloved mother will have more rest and ease informally. O may the Lord fill our hearts with gratitude, and add his blessing to what he has given, for without this I should tremble at the possession of it. Dearest Lord, grant us grace to live to your glory, to set our affection on things above, not on things on the earth, and grant us much communion with you, conformity to you, and enjoyment in your ways and worship. I am now ashamed of my former distrust. Ebenezer March 16th. I've had a season of temporal bustle, and alas, a much spiritual deadness. The Lord revive me. I've heard the word preached with very little profit since we came from Birmingham. I do not wish to condemn the preaching. I fear the cares of this world have had a bad influence on my soul. During the last day or two, I've suffered fearfully from the old temptation in another form. The Lord preserved me from yielding, but alas, I did yield in the first instance. I tampered with temptation, gave the reins to my inventive and sinful imagination, and then would have retraced my steps. That which had been imaginary was partly realized. And what I had indulged in fancying for amusement became, through coincident circumstances, a constant and tormenting inmate of my breasts, showing me the danger of being off my watchtower. May the Lord pardon and deliver me from the temptation, and say to the storm, Peace. Be still. I know he can. I do believe he will. Mr. Brown's text this morning was a hard nose, his own bitterness, and so on. Very suitable to me. My sin and his punishment being both mental, no creature knows. But the eye of my Heavenly Father is upon me, and I hope by making my sin its own punishment, he is teaching me a valuable lesson. It will bring glory to his own name, and humble me in the dust. His ways are mysterious, and he brings good out of evil. March 23rd, the Sabbath. Much calmness of mind. morning and afternoon, but dreadfully tempted and distressed this evening. The billows have indeed gone over my soul, and the proud waves while nigh overwhelm me. May the Lord deliver, specially support me, and above all preserve me from yielding to temptation. March 29th My mind mercifully relieved of its burden. May my heart be filled with gratitude and my tongue with praise. April 20th. May the Lord direct my path and enable me to bow in silence when he says resign. He only knows the feelings which agitate my bosom and I believe he will not be an unconcerned spectator. May I commit all to him in faith and wait with patience the development of his will. Agatha 3rd Sabbath Much Depressed Behold, I am vile and full of sin and unbelief. I cast my helpless soul on Jesus for life and salvation, but do not feel that confidence in my safety which I desire. Sinaius said, Whosoever believes on him shall not be ashamed. I do believe, Lord. Help against my unbelief and enable me to receive the testimony of your word. Without looking at my feelings, I want to realize that darkness and light are alike with you and to believe you love me even when you hide your face. While mourning over my barrenness, it has just struck me that I am thinking more of fruit than of Jesus himself. that I want to bring forth fruit to rejoice in instead of glorying in Christ alone. And that Habakkuk chapter 3 verses 17 and 18 may apply. Namely, when quite barren in ourselves, we will rejoice. If this is a right view, the Lord strengthen me in it. Editors note, those who know the plague of their own hearts are deeply conscious of the absolute necessity of the line-upon-line, precept-upon-precept ordeal. It is this. And this alone, under God, produces a rooting and grounding and settling in the truth. In the foregoing sentences, as it were, the first budding forth of that sweet germ of grace, which afterwards so beautifully and conspicuously shone in this plant of the Lord's right hand planting. None, perhaps, were ever more clearly shown the distinction between root and fruit than the deeply taught and subsequently highly privileged Ruth Bryan. During the perusal of the diary, we would have the reader keep this prominently before him and her. as it is evident the deep exercises of her heart were all in the issue, to tend this way, leading to a humbling of the creature and to the setting of the crown upon the right head, Jesus at length being so sweetly her all-engrossing theme." August 4th Favored with the wonderful manifestation of the loving grace of Jesus last night after service, my soul was indeed filled with rapturous delight. but condescension. May he be thankful and bless his name. Agatha 13 Darkness has veiled my mind. My saviour is withdrawn and my soul is mourning his absence. Nothing on earth can fill the vacuum in my soul, nor do I wish it should. But long, though in the dark, to hold fast my confidence to this I do not attain. My heart is timorous and fearful, lest all should not be well at last. Lord, increase my faith. August 14th. My dear mother rather poorly yesterday, but better this evening. She was taken this afternoon with sudden and violent pain, which has much alarmed me. The Lord grant restoring mercy and prepare us both for the whole of His will. How does my heart tremble at the thought of losing my beloved parent? Lord Jesus, increase my faith. Let me recognize Thy hand and say, Thy will be done. Precious Savior, make me less fleshly and more spiritual. Restore, if it please You, restore my dearest mother. August 19th. I awoke last night with a violent fit of coughing. My breath quite went, and had not the Lord granted relief I must in a few seconds have been in eternity. I felt afterwards much agitated and could not realize that my soul would have been saved had developed mortality been drawn aside. Precious Jesus, do not leave me in uncertainty. Come and show me my real situation. Strengthen my weak nerves and weak faith. You may call me suddenly into your presence, but whatever may be the messenger, O meet me on the banks of the Jordan, and then I shall not fear the swelling tide. Have sent not yourself, precious Savior, when my heart and flesh fail and the world is receding from my view? O then come, come to be the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Thanks to your name, O Lord, for sparing mercy. Write gratitude upon my heart for your distinguishing favors. August 28th. Trust the Lord is doing great things for me, whereof I am glad. Namely, bringing me now into the liberty of the gospel and showing me more of its simplicity. The Word says, He that believes shall be saved. I do believe in the dear Lord Jesus. I cast my naked, helpless soul on Him for salvation. He is my only hope and refuge, and He will send me empty away. No, He is a tri-stone, a sure foundation, and I believe not without intervals of doubt that He will get glory to His great name by saving me. vile, abominable hell deserving me. Thanks and praise to you, adorable, precious Savior, for this hope. However weak my faith, let me trust you implicitly, love you supremely, and be with you eternally. October 28th, Sacrament, Sabbath. not favored with enjoyment under the word preached, but enabled at the Lord's table to lay hold as the Word of the Lord Christ, and with importunity to cry to Him. And though He seemed to hide Himself from me and appeared to deny my request, still I was kept pleading, and did He not Himself enable me to do so? Yes, and I bless Him for it. I am resting upon the promise, Him that comes to me. I will in no wise cast out. but not favored with the sensible manifestation of my interest in Him. Yet, believing, vile, abominable, and guilty as I am, I shall never perish, because I am unable to cast my soul upon Christ for salvation and to believe He will never allow a soul to perish at His feet. I long to hear Him say, I have loved you with an everlasting love. November 30th. Much blessed than reading a letter from the Reverend Ralph Erskine to a Mr. Fisher in which he plainly shows the difference between faith and feeling. How often do I stumble here? Editor's note. It was this most important distinction our departed sister was to learn by her protracted exercises. And as the reader proceeds with her memoranda, he will perceive how blessedly the Lord brought out His servant in her clear definition of faith and feeling. December 25th My Savior hides His face and I am troubled. And my mind is dark and distressed. Heard Mr. S. this morning a very spiritual and simple discourse. I trust I've been profited, but lack a fresh manifestation of my Redeemer's love. I desire to bear patiently the chastisement of the Lord because I've sinned against Him, but I cannot be satisfied with His absence. Return, O Lord, how long?