I would like to welcome you all to this seminar on single parenting. For me, the central figure in this particular topic is not so much parenting, but what must be parented, and that is the child. That, to me, is the critical thing. The very thought of parenting presupposes the presence of a child. Whatever views we may have over this critical topic, the fact is that we have all been children before, and some of us are still children. And we are what we are today because someone A parent or parents took care of us. I think this must be borne in mind. What did the parents do? They showed us what life is all about and how best to live that life in a generally cruel world. As we live the life assigned to us, we also discover that we are not only answerable to our parents, we are not only answerable to the community around us, but also, and let me say this, but also and chiefly to the creator of the whole infinite universe. We are answerable to Him who has formed us, who has created the universe. We are answerable to Him. Let us be clear, ladies and gentlemen. The child is critical to the survival of the world. The child is critical to the multiplication of the world demography. It is extremely important. Let's bear that in mind. Now, after God had created the universe, the final creature he created was man. And he made them male and female. And for me, one of the central reasons for that was because he wanted procreation. He wanted procreation. And of course, here is what the scripture says concerning that. Let us make man, that is, humankind, in our image. male and female created he them and he said to them be fruitful and multiply and fill the whole earth that is from Genesis chapter 1 verses 26 to 28 now furthermore in Genesis chapter 4 and verse 1 the scripture tells us how Adam and Eve were to fill the whole earth and here is what it says Adam had sex with his wife Eve and she conceived and bore Cain. That is how they were to fill the whole earth. they were to have sex with each other and out of that sex would come forth children who would multiply and fill the whole earth. There is one thing I want you to notice though in that verse. Eve says, with the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man, or we can put it this way, With the input of the Lord, I have brought forth a man. And that to me is that it is the Lord, as we shall see later on, who forms the man. It is the Lord who forms the child. It is Him. Eve acknowledges here, with God's input, I have brought forth a man. But one of the things we need to bear in mind here is simply this, that the child who was conceived did not choose to be conceived. I think we need to bear that in mind. He was simply a biological result. when Adam and Eve had sex. That is extremely important. And this is why I said earlier on that the issue here is not parenting. Important though that is, because that's what we are stressing, for me it is the child who must be parented. But please note also that Cain and Abel were not so born that they were already ready to face the hassles of life. Their parents were created big, okay, but not Cain and Abel. These had to grow first, and it is in that growth that there is need for parenting. This conference is and will talk about the biblical theology of parenting and its expected results. Let me suggest the following route as we look at single parenting. First, let's talk about conception. Let's talk about conception. Secondly, let's talk about commitment. Thirdly, let's talk about challenges. And fourthly, let's talk about connections. Connections. Those are the four things that I want us to sort of use to deal with this very critical subject of single parenthood. First then, conception. For me, conception is the beginning of life. The beginning of life. Life starts at conception. Remember that Jeremiah was taught, before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Jeremiah chapter 1 verse 4. In other words, Jeremiah, when he was formed in the womb, life began. In other words, when God, through sex between a man and a woman, forms a child, that child, first of all, is as real as any living human being. Let me repeat that. That child is as real as any living human being. He is not less of a person. He is as much a person as any in this world. That is extremely important. Bear that in mind. As soon as this child is conceived, He is as real as any living human person. Secondly, that child who has just been conceived has the right to life. And therefore everything must be done to make sure that he or she lives the greatest full potential of that life. It has started, life has started at conception. Well then, what are the other routes of conception? Here I have some wrong types of sex. They can equally lead to conception. For example, incest. A man impregnates his own daughter. That's just an example of incest. There is also the issue of rape, which can result in conception. There is also the issue of sex outside marriage, etc. Several of them as well. But my point here is that some of these wrong routes of conception can result in single parenthood. Yes, as I have said before, children born through these awkward routes are as much children as any and have the right to live the whole of that life. and parenting must prepare them for that life. I hope I'm getting through to you. Secondly, commitment. Conception itself speaks of commitment to raise the child up. Remember, the child was not there when the two of you, when the two of you were lost in that world of the wonder of sexual union. You were lost. And sex is sweet. Sex is great. Sex is fantastic. Sex is so consuming as it were. And especially if it's done in the correct surroundings like that of the marriage bond. It's so consuming. But she was not there. He was not there. As soon as he was conceived, you committed yourself. You committed yourself to raise this child up. In other words, what am I saying? Parenting starts at conception. And may I add that it continues up to when you part company with the child, when either you or the child dies. In other words, parenting is a lifelong commitment. Thirdly, Challenges. These come in various forms. First, when conception occurs outside the marriage bond, challenges begin to appear. For example, there is rejection. Oftentimes, when the girl conceives, there is rejection. And how does that rejection come? One, the boy or the man refuses responsibility. No, no, no, no. It's not me. It's not me. No, it's not me. And what happens then? In most communities of the world, they will take the girl to the boy whether he agrees or not. They will take the child there. But in some highly industrialized areas, there is what is called DNA test that can confirm or disconfirm the responsibility. But that is not readily available to everybody. Now, this rejection can be very bitter. Here is a girl who was perhaps, you know, deceived into sex. Maybe the boy was saying, I will marry you. Maybe the girl, the boy was, all these things. And what happened then? She conceived. And then the boy begins to reject responsibility. The second level of rejection is relatives. As soon as a daughter says, Mom, Mommy, I'm expecting a baby, I made a mistake. What happens? The mother doesn't want to hear that again. And especially when the father is told... Ah, well, I suppose you can finish off the story. This, I believe, is a terrible experience to a girl. And in the African culture, as I have said, they simply take the girl to the boy. And we have seen this over and over again. Furthermore, the school chases the girl. You can't continue here. You can't continue here. And, well, those are terrible things. And then, of course, if she's a member of the church, the church disciplines her. And sometimes even excommunicates her. You have brought disgrace to the church. All right, the church is correct in disciplining someone who has gone astray. But it's that rejection I'm talking about. Then the girl is enveloped with stigma. Wherever she goes, she can't, as it were, be as free as she was before. She can't walk with her head lifted up, as it were. And she even imagines what people are saying in the community as she passes by. This is terrible. But remember, she has already started parenting. And then thoughts that result from this rejection, thoughts of never being supported by a possible suitor, as it were, fill her whole system with the possibility of being single for the rest of her life. I'll give birth to a baby outside marriage. Who will look at me? Who will even think about me? And then, of course, the resultant thought of looking after a child, perhaps when you haven't even finished school. You don't even have a job. A job to sustain both you and the child. All these envelop the girl. And the dread of these things that envelop the girl often leads some girls to the dreadful sin of abortion. And may I say here, as heavily as I should, never ever abort. That life has the right to be lived to its full potential. He was not there. She was not there, as I have said. Don't terminate that life. And if you were to terminate or try to terminate... Oh, I almost said, remember, I almost said, I wish you were aborted. Where would you be? She was not there. when you are enjoying your sex. Never ever abort. Yes, it's true there are cases where through rape a child is conceived. Everything must be done to preserve the life of the child. And the goodness about that is that even when this particular girl is parenting this child as a single parent, she has history. And that history is that she did not deliberately commit sex. She was raped. So don't you ever abort. Well, how else does single parenting result? When a spouse dies early on in marriage. That may result in single parenting. And for me, this is more terrible when it is the wife who dies early on in marriage. leaving the husband with children, perhaps all of them under 10. And for this particular man who has lost his wife in early marriage, early marriage is usually disastrous for the children. As long as he is around, the new wife will be sweet to the children. But when he is away at work, the children live under constant fear. They are threatened in many and various ways. And oftentimes, their countenances fall. If their father is not sensitive, he will never see this. And that is why we include this in pre-marital counseling materials. Things will happen in your marriage. And when they do happen in your marriage, use this route. Notice the countenance of the children you have brought into this second marriage. And do something about it. Because they must be parented, and parented correctly. Now, when it is the husband who dies early on in marriage, the young woman can remarry and take her children into this new marriage and she can easily mix the two sets of children and raise them up comfortably. It's more terrible for the husband being left behind. And of course, there are cases of men and women who lost their spouses while the children were still small. Let me just use two examples here. First, a husband was left with three children. A boy, who was 10 years old, a boy who was eight years old, and a girl who was six years old. And of course, during one of those pastoral visitations, he said to me, Pastor, I have seen disastrous situations in cases like mine. Here's what I have decided, Pastor. I have resolved not to remarry until all of them have entered university. And of course, I must admit that I rose up from my chair. Hug this man good, as they say in modern English. I really hugged him because this is what I was going to tell him I was going to tell him look these children are still small the youngest is six please do what you can yes you have the right to remarry because your wife is dead you have the right to remarry but consider the children And dear friends, I can't testify that I have lived long enough to see that man fulfill his promise. He has remarried now, but the children are independent. Another example is that of a wife who was left with two very small boys As a pastor who frequented their home, I noticed that they had lived in such a way that they worked together in every way. They ran their home together, And she and even her husband observed what each one of them was doing as they faithfully shepherded their children together. When the man died, she resolved to join the father's responsibilities to her mother's responsibilities. In other words, while his presence was absent, his role as a father was still present through her. Dear friends, I can tell you that the story has a fantastic ending where you can complete it. But one thing is sure, The child or children, without the responsibility of both parents, need to be parented like any other child. This is where single parenting comes in. Now, may I say something, you know, concerning the old civilizations. Single parenting was not an issue in those days. At that time, there was what is called separate development in sociology. All the females teamed up together and were always together in the village so that the girl with a single mother or a single father would naturally grow among them and not lose out on anything to do with being a woman. Equally, all males would be together and do men's things at the cattle crow. As the Bambas say, Kunsaka. They were together there, they ate together and they did men's things together. Thus, the orphaned boy, like I was, I lost my father when I was only six years old, did not miss out as far as a man's hand of discipline on me was concerned. I had it all. I was among men. I was able to know everything a man must do, everything a man must be. My dear friends, I remember Dr Mbewe quoting this proverb, it takes a whole village to raise up a child, now you know where it comes from. My lament is that it is the so-called Western modernisation and Western urbanization that is responsible for the current plight of single parenthood. My dear friends, as a single parent, You must so commit yourself to raising up the child or children that you will do what it takes to make sure that he or she or these children get ready to face the world and survive therein. What do you do? I believe you are listening to what this conference is saying. Provide all that this conference is stressing. Provide everything in areas of formative discipline and in areas of corrective discipline. As the scripture says, bring them up in the fear and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4. In the formative area, my dear brother, my dear sister, who is a single parent, your whole being as a Christian speaks biggest to your children. And as they see Christ shining through you, they will pardon themselves on Him. This is what it means when it says, in the fear of the Lord. In the fear of the Lord. In other words, you will have so introduced the Lord to them as to help them see and see Him as He really is, the Lord. The God who has been The God who is, the God who will forever be, the Lord. And they will reverence Him. That word fear has to do with reverence. They will get to know Him. But where does it come from? Your whole demeanor, your whole Christian appearance, your whole Christian activities, everything else that is Christ-like in your life. will ultimately help them to see the Lord, the God who has so loved this world that he has given his one and only Son for our salvation. Furthermore, and please pay attention to this, furthermore, Form your child by being the best friend to him or to her. Remember this. Form your child. Remember we're talking about formative discipline. Form your child by being the best friend to him or her. What am I saying? Get to her heart. Get to his heart. And she will see Christ's heart in you. If you get to her heart, she will see Christ's heart in you. Then she will listen to your heartbeat. Your heartbeat of love. Your heartbeat of best concern for her. She will see. What am I saying? Only this. Form his mind. Form it, inform it, and mould it after Christ's parting. What am I saying? Form his heart. And ultimately, you will form his behaviour. And oh, the instructions of this book. If you are a Christian parent, be it a single parent or a parent in a marriage bond, is this book in you. is the Word of God so built up in you that it governs your thought system, it governs your actions, it governs your words. And it is this area where you will be able to form your children. And at every step, At every stage, reason with the children. Reason with him. Reason with her. Tell him why what he has done is wrong. Tell him. Don't just spank. Yes, you can spank, but tell him why. So that he understands why it is not helpful. Reason with her as it were as to why doing and saying certain things is correct. Tell her why. Why it is correct. Why it is healthy. Why it is wholesome. for proper development. Reason with the children. Don't just say, don't do it, because I've said don't do it. No, no, no, no. Explain. Finally, connections. Here we are talking about the rose. of at least three things. The role of religions. They can have a great role in single-parenthood relatives. If the cause of that single-parenthood was due to a mistake, or to sex outside marriage, or perhaps rape as it were, You will notice that the initial rejection usually melts into acceptance. When the baby comes on the scene, we have seen that over and over again. Grandparents, the mother, they begin to welcome you, and in fact they welcome the baby, they are looking at you, but the baby, the baby, the baby, and their hearts melt towards that baby. We have seen many babies in this particular category, who are contributing to the development of the world's economies. They came the wrong way, but they are in the forefront, contributing to the economies of the world. So parents, welcome. And while the chief onus is still on you as a single parent, they will support you. And this circle of support oftentimes keeps on expanding, including brothers and sisters, aunties, uncles, and all kinds of people. And if you are still at school, some may even go to the extent of fostering the child and bring the child in their home where there will be a father figure. The second set is that of the church. The church, yes, the sister has gone wrong. Maybe she has come and confessed before the church. Surely, she can't be forgiven. Once she has been forgiven, she can be as it were incorporated within the life, the fabric of church life. And that will include the arrival of the baby. The church must come in. Sunday school must be available to those children. Children's clubs at church. Fellowship. The fellowship at church is composed of grandpas and grandmas, aunties and uncles, and some of whom could be mother figures, some might be father figures as it were. And of course the church with its hospitality can assist very much in raising up children who are being or experiencing single parenthood. You know, one of the things that I have seen over the years is to see this man who single-handedly parented this girl or this boy come to a point where he sees the boy get married. Just imagine, think of the tears of joy that envelop this woman who looks back at the many years she put into this girl's life. And when the pastor says, the marriage officer says, who gives this woman to be married to this man? And with tears streaming down her cheeks, she says, I do. Oh, the joy! One phrase, a single parent will ultimately lead to such joyous beginnings of even more beautiful lives after that. My dear friends, May the Lord of Glory, who forms us in the womb, gives us to our parents, even though they may be a single parent, helps us to mold this child in the fear and destruction of the Lord. May he, in his grace, assist those going through single parenthood. Let us pray. Lord of glory, thank you again for the God that you are, the God of love, the God of grace, the God of our salvation. In your Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, O our Father, you form life in the womb. We bless you that you have decided in such a way that we must look after those children, whether in the marriage bond or outside it. Lord have mercy upon the children that must experience single parenthood. Lord be gracious and help those parents that must look after these children as single parents. because you formed them. And because of the Lord Jesus Christ with whom you are well pleased, this prayer has come before you. Amen.