Well, the subject before me is that of parenting difficult and rebellious children. I'd like to use Deuteronomy 21 and verse 18 to verse 21 as the basis of our thinking and so on as we proceed. Deuteronomy 21 verse 18 to verse 21 and I'm reading from the English Standard Version. The Bible says there, if a man has a stubborn and rebellious son, who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother and though they discipline him will not listen to them then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of this city at the gate of the place where he lives And they shall say to the elders of his city, this our son is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey our voice. He is a glutton and a drunkard. Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst and all Israel shall hear and fear. What a text and I'm almost certain that any parent who is currently listening to this is probably very grateful that we are not living in Old Testament Israel days, especially if you have on your hands a difficult and rebellious child. Well, first of all, what do we mean when we're speaking in terms of difficult or rebellious? Our text here uses the phrase stubborn and rebellious. What would this text have in mind? Well, it's primarily those children who become defiant to parental authority. That's the key, being defiant to parental authority. Notice in our text that it says that this son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother. But it goes on to say, and though they discipline him, will not listen to them. In other words, it's a child who must have his own way. It doesn't matter what it is that you try to speak to him about. And sadly, often this leads to nasty confrontations between such children and their parents and indeed such children and even their siblings. No doubt. I mean, if you've got a child in your home who is a glutton and a drunkard, what do you expect? There will be conflict because of the fact that this child is not able to discipline his appetite, especially his fallen appetites. There's no doubt that any parent who has such a child will say that this is the source of a lot of grief. and often drives Christian parents who have such children to their knees they are praying to God because they just don't know what to do and in a sense that's good because anything that brings us to God that causes us to stop relying on our cleverness and the fact that we have all our stones put down pretty well in a row but takes us back to God pleading with him for mercy saying to him I am weak but thou art strong Anything that does that for us sanctifies us. And anything that sanctifies us is good for us. But having said that, it's still grief. And the main cause for this grief is primarily because as a parent, you recognize that the way in which this child is going, the direction to which this child is insisting to go, is a direction of disaster. Many other children have already gone that way. And they are now but scarecrows. In other words, they are evidence that to go this way is to go the way of disaster. Many of them fall out of school because they are not disciplined in terms of attending school. They are not disciplined in terms of study. And before long, they either just run away from school altogether, or they fail, and that's it. Others end up being alcoholics or perhaps drug addicts. They end up with that primarily because they went in the direction of the abuse of drugs and alcohol. Many end up with sexually transmitted diseases. Sometimes in the process either impregnating a woman or being impregnated if they are females. And these are things you would have talked about and talked about. But these children just won't listen. And some of them end up in criminal activities, the police coming home looking for them, taking them, locking them up in cells, perhaps even going through an entire criminal process. And therefore, they are not just being kept in prison awaiting trial, but they are in fact sentenced to an entire period in prison. And very few people come out of prison better individuals. Many are hardened through that criminal process. Of course, no parent who's been holding that little baby fresh out of a mother's womb would want anything like that to happen to such a child. But that's happened for many. In fact, for the text that we have read, it is seeing a child from your own womb being stoned to death. Wow! That must be excruciating. Let's quickly think through a number of points. First of all, what is it that leads children to the position where they are difficult, they are stubborn, they are rebellious, and they completely refuse to listen to the voice of father and mother? What is it? Well, first of all, it is simply the fact that we are all born with a fallen nature. None of us coming into this world come in as angels. I know that's the way we think when we're looking at a little baby, innocent as we say. Oh, little baby, beautiful angel, we say. But the truth of the matter is that what we're holding in our hands is closer to a demon than to an angel. Because we are born with a fallen nature. But we can add to that the fact that some children are simply born with a strong will. A stubborn will. There is just something about their own genetic makeup that gives them a stronger will compared to others. Now that strong will is not in itself bad. Because often, individuals that become those that stand out in leadership in the various strata of life and living, often they are individuals who are strong-willed. In other words, their wills have gone in the right direction. But woe betide that child who has a strong will and then goes the wrong way. But allow me to add to the cause, the fact that sometimes it's parents to blame. Parents to blame. For instance, harsh, unloving, hypocritical. and hypercritical parents often end up exasperating their children as we read in Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4 the famous text to do with parenting their fathers do not provoke your children to anger don't exasperate them but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. So, harshness, this unloving spirit, hypocrisy in parents, and a hypercritical spirit often leads to that. And then thirdly, and lastly, I'm not even sure that I was really counting, but lastly, in terms of the cause, is simply the days in which we live. Matthew 24 and verse 12 speaks of the last days being filled with lawlessness and nobody can miss the fact that we are living in days where rebellion is the order of the day the more rebellious you are the more of a hero you become and our children see this Or, as the Apostle Paul puts it in 2 Timothy chapter 3 and verse 1 to 4, he speaks of the last days being characterized by disobedience to parents. That's one of the characteristics he puts there, disobedience to parents. So, we are living in days where there is a lot more of that atmosphere than would have been true in times past. Now, the tragedy is this, that if we fail to curb this rebelliousness, in due season we are passing on the problem to other people. It doesn't remain in the home. It never remains in the home. In due season, you are passing it on to teachers in schools. You are passing it on to employers who now have to try and curb the rebelliousness of your child. You are passing it on to your child's spouse when they get married. because now their legs are tied to somebody else and the problems become very real there. Finally, you are passing on the problem to the state because the state must finally seek to bring sanity to this person that you've ushered right into their hands. And as we said, we end up with criminal activities that the police have to get involved in. And sometimes individuals like this who haven't learned to curb their rebelliousness end up in the church with some profession of faith, but still with this rebelliousness in them, wanting to be in control of everything. And what are you doing? You are passing on that problem to the church because they've never learned to listen when somebody says, no, don't do it. They've never learned. And so you pass it on to them. We know the example of Eli, don't we? And his sons, and the way in which he failed to discipline them. As a result of that, they ended up taking their rebelliousness into the house of God. And they ended up taking what really belongs to the altar by way of sacrifices. They ended up sleeping in terms of having sex with women that were attending the place of worship and so on until God said enough is enough and he brought them to death. So what should we do as parents to avoid a situation where we pass on our problem to those who are outside the home? What should we do to ensure that we curb this rebelliousness of our children? Well, let me quickly take you through a number of points. First of all, it is this, that we must do what we should do to any and to all our children. The parenting work that is given to all the other children is what they should go through as well. And that's what this conference is all about. Our effort here is to ensure that we are learning about parenting. Biblical parenting. And whatever it is that we are learning from Dr. Tripp, from his wife, and from our Zambian speakers, we ought to ensure we are applying. And so I'm calling it this. Start the heart training early. so that the child recognizes parental authority. In our text, it's fairly clear that this father and this mother were already involved in speaking into the life of this child. Speaking into the life of this child. And so they are able to speak in terms of, this our son is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey our voice. They were speaking into his life and he just would not listen. Oh, as Proverbs 22 verse 6 puts it, Proverbs 22 and verse 6, Train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it. Now, hopefully your training is positive. And it is not in the wrong way that when he's old, nobody can make him come back into the right way. Train a child in the way he should go. So start hard training early. And in the midst of that, just two or three quick points, ensure that in your training, God is at the center of everything. In other words, you are not saying to this child that I am the authority. You are saying there is your maker, your creator, the governor of history, the one before whom you must one day stand. He is the ultimate authority. Make sure that you submit your life to him. In fact, strictly speaking, it is the failure of the human heart to acknowledge God for who He is, to know Him, respect Him, love Him, worship Him, obey Him. It is the failure to do that that often results in disobedience to parents. We see this in Romans and chapter 1. Romans chapter 1 and really beginning from verse 28. I want you to notice what it says there. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a depraved or debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They are filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, curvaceousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, and there we are, disobedient to parents. disobedient to parents so your duty is to ensure that the place of God in the heart and in the lives of your children stands unrivaled and then establish in their minds that all that you are is simply a steward of God's authority that's all God has given you, my child, to me that I may raise you up as He wants you to be. That's all. It's not about me. It's about God. My role is that of stewardship. Having established those aspects, the training of the heart with God at the center and yourself as a steward, One of the lessons that we'll be learning, I'm sure, from Dr. Tripp along this week is this. Teach your children very early the principle of sowing and reaping. Sowing and reaping. Sowing and reaping. Your child needs to know, your children need to know, that whatever you do, sowing, you will reap. You cannot live for sin and evil and wickedness and then expect a blessed life in years to come. That won't happen. The mathematics of life refuse that. You need to teach your children that you sow to the spirit, you reap everlasting life. You sow to the flesh, you reap destruction. And obviously what we are seeing in our text is part of that. He was a son who's sowing to the flesh and finally rips disaster. Before we move on now to the specific rebellious child, one more point. And it is this. Keep pointing your child, indeed all your children, to Christ for forgiveness and transformation. There'll be many times when your child, having sinned before God, will be caught by you. It's important for you to keep saying there's forgiveness in Christ. That's why He died on the cross. Go to Him that you might find free forgiveness. And also by the Spirit of God there is heart transformation. Your heart is sinful, it's wicked. Go to Christ that your heart might indeed be changed by Him. As I make my transition into the rebellious child, let me quickly say that cover all this with prayer. All of it with prayer. Ensure that every day you are praying for your children, that God will indeed be gracious to them. that God will bring them early in life to himself, that God will prevail upon their wills, but more than that, that they will end up loving God, living for God, serving God, obeying God, all that has to do with the true God in their lives, that they will do that. Keep it as part of your prayers and allow me to add this especially pray for your difficult and rebellious children especially if you've not been as emotional in praying for the others when you finally get to your difficult and rebellious children just break down before the Lord just say to him Lord I'm hopeless and helpless without you. Oh God, intervene in the life of this child. So those are the general aspects and we've now crossed over into the specific. You've got a rebellious child in your hands. All the evidence is there. What do you do? Well, strictly speaking, nothing changes in the sense that God has given us two tools, two instruments for raising our children. One is instruction and the other is discipline. Instruction and discipline. In a sense, I've covered quite a lot on the instruction side. But with rebellious children, you have to be extra strong on the corrective discipline side. You really have to. Because if you are weak there, you can be sure you will lose your child. So to begin with, instruction. teaching which we've already covered but I need to emphasize it all over again the Bible in a number of places in the Old Testament speaks about us instructing our children and we are seeking to establish the the position of God and we know the phrase in verse 12 of Exodus 20 which is part of the Ten Commandments, the moral law, honor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. This is something that a rebellious child needs to be confronted with again and again and again. My child There is God in heaven. I'm not asking you to honor me, obey me, and listen to me just so that I can feel good. The God who is, is the one who demands it of you. He is the one who says in his law as one of ten commandments, honour your father and your mother. He even adds the discipline that might come if you don't do so. He puts it this way, that if you honour, you will live long in the land that the Lord your God has given you. If you don't, he will come in. and cut short your life. Honor your parents. That's what God says. It's important to keep drumming that home in the life of your child. That respectful parents is not about them. It's about your life before God. In Proverbs and chapter 30, the Bible puts it this way. Proverbs 30 and verse 17, the eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures. Now all this is saying is that you will die in an ignoble way out in the fields with nobody to give you a decent burial and these vouchers and ravens will simply descend upon you and you will be their meat who wants to end life that way son listen listen This is what will happen if you harden your heart and continue rebellion. Cry to Christ to forgive you of what you've done, to soften your heart, to give you a heart transplant, to put His Spirit in you, to transform you from the inside out. So keep taking your rebellious child to scripture. to see the implications of not honoring, not listening, not obeying parents. But then, we must quickly run to the fact that there are also the negative incentives and the Bible for instance is full of teaching on spanking. We saw that last evening when Dr. Tripp was speaking about the starting right, the first five years, and you noticed that spanking was one of them. And so I won't go into details there. But you also recall that he said that beyond a certain age, you obviously don't simply go on spanking and spanking and spanking, and especially when your child is going into their teenage years. But rather, you use other negative incentives. And again, it's this whole principle of sowing and reaping. sowing and reaping. You ensure that you are thinking of what is it that you are positively giving to other children that you can deprive this child of so that it's very clear that I sowed negatively and I have reaped negatively. There are many measures that people use, you know, you won't go out this weekend and you You've been placed under curfew, and you're missing out on a particular meal in a day, and on and on and on. There may be other forms of punishment in the context of the home. And all you are seeking to do is to drive home the fact that obedience, you reap positively. Disobedience, you reap negatively. When, back to our text then, when this parent is saying he has a stubborn and rebellious child who does not obey the voice of his father, listen to this, or the voice of his mother, we're still in verse 18, and then there is, and though they discipline him, will not listen to them. Don't miss that out! Though they discipline him, will not listen to them. A lot of parents lose their children because they don't discipline. All they do is talk. That's all. And sometimes parents can be whining all the time. Oh, no, this kind of child, you bring problems on us. You bring problems. Just complaining in front of your child. You have God given authority to discipline. and it's there in the text all the way from spanking to the ultimate that I'll touch in a few moments you must do all you can by way of instruction and discipline to break that stubborn will to break that stubborn will now If you fail, what do you do? You even disciplined, you failed. Well, you reach the ultimate. What is that ultimate? Well, let's begin with the Old Testament. As I said at the beginning of my sermon, thank God we are not living there. But let's still read. What is this passage telling us? Verse 19. Then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives. And they shall say to the elders of his city, this our son is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey our voice. He is a glutton and a drunkard. Then all the men of the city shall stone him. to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear and fear. Although we don't live in days where you stone a difficult and stubborn child, the principle here must not be missed. And essentially, they are true. One is the purging of evil. In other words, there must be discipline in the home. There must be discipline in society. They must be disciplined whether it's in the church or in the workplace. And anybody who keeps continuing in stubbornness, if it's in the school, that child is expelled. If it is in the church, that person is excommunicated. If it is in the workplace, that individual is fired. There is always that ultimate. What is the ultimate in your home? what is it that your child knows that finally this is what's gonna happen to me for most at the most it is simply saying pack your bags and go that's it pack your bags and go that's what has happened in the church when they discommunicate That's what happens in the workplace when they fire you. That's what happens in school when you're expelled. They simply finally say, you don't want to live under the rules of this place. No problem. There's the door. Thankfully, it's not I'm taking you to the city gate to breathe your last. Thankfully. In some countries, you can't do that. I'll come to the issues of laws in the country. You can't say to the child, there is the door. But still, you need to be able to know what the ultimate is. So that you spell it to your child. What we often call, read to your child, the riot act. Read it! That if you're going to do this, This is what's going to happen finally. And then here's the point. Don't do that in your anger. Because often when you cool down later, you never carry out your threat. Don't do that. As we're learning last evening from Dr. Tripp, don't do it with respect to spanking in your rage. Take that child somewhere and beat the hell out of it. No, no, no. Don't do that. Discipline must be measured, must not be out of anger. In the same way, whatever it is that is the ultimate discipline, It is something that is measured. It's something you've thought through. This is something you've said with my back against the wall. Finally, this may have to happen. As we said, here it is about being stoned to death. We've seen it in Deuteronomy 21, and it is also the same in Exodus. 21. So I'll just quickly read Exodus 21 and then we hurry on. Exodus 21 and verse 15. Exodus 21 verse 15. Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall be put to death. Verse 17. Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death. This was in the legal, judicial system of Israel. It was in their penal court. This is not a father being so enraged that while the child is asleep takes a rock and breaks his skull. No. is taking the child and handing the child over to the state. And this is what was in their laws. So whatever the ultimate is, I just want to make one quick plea, and it is this. Peep at the laws of your land as you discipline your child with that ultimate. Because remember, a difficult and rebellious child, you do what is illegal, it's you who be behind bars. Because your child has reached that point of animosity that he or she is going to make sure you pay for it. So just make sure what you are doing is legal. Still dealing with this whole issue of discipline. I want to say that fathers and mothers must work together Because you see a rebellious child wants to bring you as husband and wife To disagree and especially to disagree right before the child's eyes So with respect to discipline especially a child who is stubborn A child who is rebellious, make sure you strengthen each other's hands. I love this text. If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother. I love that. I love that. It's bringing out both. Listen to verse 19. then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the gate. So it's not the father is dragging the son to the gate for the final punishment and the mother is dragging the father back to the house and everything is very clear that the two are divided. No. There must be clarity. This is the ultimate. We've done all we can before God. We have to take this step together. Now, having said that, we must accept the fact that a man is a man and a woman is a woman. In other words, the masculinity of the father is likely to be the one that has the more sort of hardened aspect. And then the femininity of the mother would be the one that would be the softer aspect. And these two would have already been part of the nurturing of the child for a very long time. The child would have known something of that strong, masculine figure who warns and says, these will be the consequences. The child would have also already known something of that feminine figure that pleads winsomely and says to the child, my child, my child, you break my heart The two together working in order to break that stony heart of the child. But there must never be a cleavage when it comes to discipline. If the child is being spanked, the other partner should not be saying to the child, ah, you know, bad daddy, bad daddy. You know, he's a bad man. Never. It's always coming back to the child and saying, you see, my child, We feel the pain a lot more than you do at an emotional level. We cry before God concerning what's going on. But I support you that because ultimately you have sown, you must reap. But it's you who's stubbornly going this way. We've pointed you to the Savior. We've pointed you to Christ. Go to Him that He might save you. So I say again, I'm not suggesting that a woman must function like a man. But what I am saying is that even in the midst of that clear difference, there must be a cooperation. Otherwise, you will lose your child. Finally, as I hurry on to my conclusion, it's this. Look out for the hopeful signs of repentance in the child and encourage those signs. In other words, don't be, if you could imagine the picture of the prodigal son and his father, don't be the kind of father who sees your son at a distance coming back and simply sort of standing by the gate and saying aha, oh see, thought he was clever, he'll see. No, rather be as the prodigal son's father, one who runs to the child, hugs, the child kisses the child and even when the child is beginning the words of apology not even waiting for the final end of this paragraph or book of broken promises before and regrets and so on already saying come on let's celebrate this difficult stubborn rebellious child has seen the light Let's hold a feast and celebrate. Well, concluding remarks. First of all, there is no silver bullet that ensures that a stubborn and rebellious child will definitely come back. There is no silver bullet. I wish there was. Honestly, I really wish there was. I mean, doctors are right now looking for all kinds of vaccines for COVID-19. I wish them well. But oh, how I wish a vaccine could be found for a stubborn and rebellious child. I want to assure you, as a church pastor, I would have already bought 5,000 liters of that and told my own church members, line them up. so that I can start using the syringe to knock out that virus of stubbornness and rebelliousness. Sadly, there isn't. Some parents have successfully won their children back using instruction and discipline. Instruction and discipline. Some have. And thank God for that. Others have buried their children Christian parents have buried their children who have died in the midst of their rebelliousness, died from alcoholism, died from drug addiction, died from criminal activities, died in such a way that they know their children have perished in their sins. the latter take comfort from the fact that they did their best that when they stand before God they will be able to say God instruction we gave and discipline we did the evidence is there the evidence is there they take ultimate comfort in a sovereign God. Until then, cry to Christ. Cry to God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit that He may guide you in your parenting. It's hard when God has given you a stubborn and rebellious child. Cry to him, guide me, O thou great Jehovah. I'm a pilgrim in this barren land. Guide me. I need your strength. I need your everything before this child drives me to an early grave. Amen.