I'm so thankful to be with you and to be able to be part of the conference, even by long distance like this. I wish that I had been able to be there in person, but we accept God's providence. And in God's providence, we have this pandemic and the international travel was not possible. And so we're thankful and we trust God. We trust God because he's wise and he knows what's best for us. And he will never withhold good. from his people, and so we're thankful that in God's providence I'm able to be with you through this technology and thankful for the technology that makes it possible. You know, when Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call, the statement was, what wonders hath God wrought? And actually we're experiencing the wonders that God has wrought even in the development and use of this kind of technology. Well, I'm thankful to talk to you this week about shepherding the hearts of children, and we're gonna go through the developmental stages. Our session tonight is just getting started right, and it's the first five years of life, and exciting times, especially with that first child. You bring this baby home from the hospital, and you have this little bundle that you can hold in your hand, and it's all miniaturized, but all the parts are there. Everything that'll be there in the adult are present, The developmental process that's going to take place over many years that will develop this child into a full adult, but he's there as a human being, made in the image of God and precious in God's sight. And the first five years are years of just being marked by change. If there's one thing that you could hang over the entire period of the preschooler's life, it's change. I mean, the child is changing in every possible way, physically, developing, from this little tiny child that is relatively helpless. By the time he's ready for school, he can run and jump and climb trees and do things that you're too decrepit to do anymore. So there's development taking place physically. He's also developing socially. He's learning how to interact with people in this world. He knows how to be funny, how to be coy, how to make a joke, how to ingratiate himself to people, come alongside mom and dad in ways that suit their personalities and their desires, and he learns how to interact with human beings. Social development. There's intellectual development. He's learning how to use language. He's learning how the world works, that doors move on hinges, that every experience is a learning experience for a young child. And so there's this how his world works. He's also developing spiritually. He's a creature made in the image of God. He's made for God. He's made for relationship with God. He's uniquely designed as a spiritual being. And even as a preschooler, he's gravitating toward those, those items of the heart that will be the stumbling blocks for him. and the besetting sins that he will struggle with. And they're different for different ones of us because we're not all exactly alike, but we are all needy people and we're made for God and made for a relationship with the living God. So you have this period of development taking place for this child, this wonderful, exciting time. And you know, especially with the first one, I mean, you feel so concerned about every aspect lifted his arm very carefully, washed under it, and, you know, so careful, as though it would fall off if we handled him too roughly. But, and of course, you know, if you have a lot of kids, by the time you get to the fifth or sixth kid, you're just dunking them in the water and letting them air dry. But the first one, you're so concerned and so solicited, it's about his knee. But I want to give you tonight a big, overarching, big view, a large objective that is flexible enough to meet the changing circumstances of this child's life, and yet comprehensive enough to give you an idea of what you ought to be going for as you shepherd this child. And I would suggest to you that that is given for us in Ephesians chapter six. It's a passage of scripture that is addressed to children, that's specifically addressed to children. Children, it says, Obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and your mother, which is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and you may enjoy long life on the earth. Now, that passage was my first memory verse as a child. Children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right. I remember even as a child thinking, what a strange happenstance But of course, as I got older, I realized it was not by happenstance that that was the first verse. My dad had an agenda, and he wanted us to be children who were under authority, and so he taught us this verse, and we memorized it. Children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right. If we were slow to obey, he would remind us by using this passage. What's Ephesians 6.1? And we would have to quote the verse. Children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right. He would say, well, you know what you need to do then, don't you? Now, wonderful teaching going on here. He would ask us, what does God's word say? God's word has necessary implications for you. You know what you need to do. You need to obey dad. One night, he brought a friend home from work. The man was not a Christian. Dad invited him to have a meal with our family and used the home as a context for witness. And during the course of the night, as dad was wont to do, he was giving direction to the church. say to us, what's Ephesians 6.1? And we would go off and do whatever it was we were supposed to do. At the end of the night, he said, okay, children, it's time to say goodnight to our guest and go to bed. Oh, daddy, can't we stay up till nine o'clock? It's only eight o'clock. What's Ephesians 6.1? So we said goodnight, we went to bed. At the end of the night, when this man was leaving, he said, by the way, what is Ephesians 6.1? It's this magical phrase you say to kids. They automatically obey you. Help me understand, what is this all about? Well, of course, it's not magic. It's a training process. Now, the operative word here is process, not a training event. We like to have events of training in our homes where we have one event of training where we tell our children what they ought to do, and ever after that, they do exactly what they were told. It doesn't work that way. This is a training process where we bring this truth to them again and again, again and again. We're rehearsing this truth. God calls you to obey mom and dad. And I think this is such a beautiful passage because what God has done in this passage is he's drawn a circle in which children are to live. And the boundary of that circle in which children are designed to live is honor and obey. And the promises in the context of that circle, there are these wonderful blessings. Do you see them in the passage? It's the first commandment with a promise. that it will go well with you, and you will enjoy long life on the earth. Those are blessings every parent in this conference wants for his children. You want for it to go well with them. You want for them to enjoy long life. These are blessings your children want for themselves. Every child wants for it to go well. They want to enjoy long life. And God says the context in which these blessings are realized in your life is as you honor and obey father and mother. So it's a circle of blessing. It's the very best place in the world for your child to be. Honor and obey father and mother. It will go well with you, and you will enjoy long life. Those are blessings you want. They're blessings your children want. God says the context in which those blessings are experienced is as you honor and obey father and mother. Now, the way we present this to our children is of great importance because we want to make a very attractive presentation. We want to make a compelling presentation of this truth to our children. And so we want to come to them with this life-giving truth in ways that are winsome, in ways that draw them in to the beauty and goodness of it. That means I never want to come to my children like this. I put a roof over your head. I buy every morsel of food you put in your mouth. And I'll buy every stitch of clothing you wear on your back. And as long as you live in my house, you're gonna do what I say. When we come to our children like that, we're planting seeds of rebellion. Because there's nothing in that presentation that invites submission. It's a presentation that invites rebellion. I've set up a head-to-head conflict. I've said, look, I'm the one with the power here. I'm the one with the gifts to give. You let her in my house, you do it my way. What is missing in that presentation? Well, let me ask it this way. Who is missing in that presentation? God is missing. God's not missing in Ephesians 6. Children, obey your parents. Who knows how we're designed to function? Who has set up a law that is consonant with our need as creatures? And so we obey out of conscience toward God. God is in the center of this. And in a biblical presentation, I want to make a very attractive presentation of this truth to my children. I want the presentation of this truth to be beautiful. It's not about my power. It's not about my authority. It's not about my right to make demands on you. It's about God. And so I want to come to my children saying, children, there's a God in heaven who's good. He's made you and me and all things for his own glory. And he's put us in this world and he's told us how we ought to live for our good and for his glory. And God, in incredible kindness and mercy towards you, has put you in a family. He's given you a mom and dad. Mom and dad who love you and are concerned for you. And it is a blessing for you to obey mom and dad. And God promises these wonderful blessings. It'll go well with you. You will enjoy a long life. Those are blessings you want. And we want them for you. and it's what will bring blessing and benefit to your life. It is good for you to honor and obey mom and dad. So we want to make a very beautiful presentation of this. We're not coming just simply making demands. I'm your dad, you're gonna obey me. Because that's what God's word says. But I'm coming providing a rationale for obedience. I'm saying to my children, God has put you in a family. He's given you mom and dad who love you. I know that's what's good for you. So I'm not just making demands, but I'm providing a rationale for obedience that makes sense of the expectation that my children obey. And it's so important that we make it a pleasant, beautiful presentation. When I come to my children, just simply making demands. Look, I'm your dad. of Ephesians 6.4, which is the next verse in this passage, it says, Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. It's really saying don't exasperate them, just simply making demands won't be exasperating. Put God in the picture so they understand it's out of conscience toward God It's the way the world is designed to work. It's the way parent-child relationships are designed to work. This is what God has done for us because God is good, and his ways are good, and it's good for you to obey mom and dad. Not just simply because I'm someone who must be obeyed, but because God calls you to obey, and there are wonderful blessings to come as you obey. I think many times, Young people, I say young people because I'm a septuagintarian, but I think young people sometimes struggle with the idea of being authorities. Certainly in the 21st century and in Western society in America and in Western Europe, young people struggle with being authority. We have a misunderstanding about authority. Now I think my observation is in general Africa tends to be more conservative and more embraced hierarchy and authority. And so there are ways in which that's not quite as true, perhaps, in Africa. You can judge the extent to which that is true, but I observe that in America and in Western Europe, we have misunderstandings about authority. We think of authority negatively. We think of authority as someone standing over me, telling me what to do. And we question the fairness of that. We feel like I don't like it when someone stands over me and tells me what to do. My children don't like it if I stand over them and tell them what to do. And so parents try to avoid being authorities in the lives of their children. They try to cajole them and plead and beg and make suggestions and avoid being authority. They feel apologetic about being authorities. Sometimes I observe in America even parents feeling a little intimidated about their children and feeling a need to defend the decisions that they make with regard to their children. And even a desire for their children's approval. You don't need your child to be your best friend. You don't need to be his best friend. You need to be the best parent you can be for your child. I was interacting with a parent who had made a peer of his child, and it was a three or four year old child, Well, we didn't want to talk down to them and just tell them what to do. We wanted for them to be part of the whole process. And I'm thinking, he's four years old. He needs to have gracious, kind authority in his life. He needs to have a parent who tells him what to do. He's a four-year-old, he doesn't know what to do. Now, obviously, we want to be authorities like Christ, who are kind and compassionate and gentle But they need authority. And if we have a misunderstanding about authority, sometimes in Western culture, we tend to think of authority negatively. In a biblical vision, we can think of authority in this way. God calls me to be an authority in the lives of my children. This is not optional. This is something God calls me to do. God says that my children are to obey father and mother. The implication of that is as a father, I'm to direct them, and that's what Genesis 1819 says, I've called and ordained that Abraham should direct his household and his family after him to do the ways of the Lord by doing what is just and right so that God will bring all the blessings of his covenant upon Abraham. You see, it is proper and right for me to be an authority. God calls me to be an authority in their lives. It's not negative to be an authority. They're children. They lack wisdom. They lack maturity. They lack life experience. Gracious authority is a tremendous blessing to our children. So Ephesians 6.1, God calls children to honor and obey father and mother. Now, I want to define those terms, because if we leave those terms undefined, they lose their meaning. So let's give Chris Obedience is submission to God's authority. Let me just stop there. Remember, it always has that Godward focus. Children, obey your parents and the Lord. This is what we do because there's a God in heaven who's good. Children, obey your parents and the Lord. It's submission to God's authority that causes the child to do what he's told to do by his parents immediately, without excuse, without complaint, without question. So we want to train our children to honor and obey father and mother. Now, no matter what you do, you will teach your children about obedience. If you don't require any obedience, and you let them do whatever you want and disregard your words and your direction, you have taught them about obedience, haven't you? You've taught them that obedience is not necessary. children will know when they've played the game to the end of the board and they're going to have to obey now. It cannot be delayed any longer. They will know when they've come to the end of their resistance to your direction. Maybe it's when a mother yells and she says, didn't you hear me? And the veins are protruding in her forehead and her neck and the child realizes I better obey her before she hurts herself. Or maybe it's when father uses all my names, Theodore, Alan, Tripp, I'll always use it on my name. This is really important. I better obey now. Or maybe it's when mother counts. She taps her foot on the floor and she says, one, two, three, 67, 68, 69. By the time she gets to 70, I better obey. Or maybe it's when I'm threatened. Young man, do you want me disciplined? Young man, I'm only going to ask you one more time. Do you want me disciplined? Two times after that I better have obeyed. Whatever your parenting style, your children will know when you really mean it and when they're gonna have to obey. So why not teach them? When I speak to you in a normal conversational tone, I say words that you understand. I ask you to do something you have the ability to do. My expectation is that you will obey me. And if you don't obey me, we'll deal with that in appropriate ways. we need to train them to obey. And that means diligence, it means consistency, it means responding to them. When they're not obeying immediately, reminding them, honey, to obey means to obey right away. Or when they're making excuses, honey, obedience means I'm going to stop what I'm doing, not making excuses, I'm going to do what mommy and daddy have called me to do. or when they're complaining, but he doesn't have to do it. Honey, that's between me and him. It's between God and him. This is what God calls you to do. Or if our children are questioning. There are different ways kids can question a parental directive. You can question in a way that says why, that actually means, Daddy, help me understand the reason for this request. And that's an appropriate question. for a child to ask in certain contexts, and it's appropriate for us to answer that question. But it's not a rebellious question. Or there could be a demanding why, why, that is actually saying, you don't have the right to ask me this. And that kind of why, the only answer is, it's, honey, you know what Daddy called you to do, and you know what your responsibility is before God. You're to obey Mom and Dad. So we might train them to obey. And we might train them to honor Father and Mother. So those are the two commandments, and obey, and honor is submission to God's authority. And again, it has this Godward focus that causes the child to do what he's told to do by his parents immediately, without excuse, without complaint, without question. So we need to train them to honor mom and dad, speak to his parents with respect for the role God has given mom and dad. As God's agent of discipline and correction and nurture, in the child's life. So he's to honor, he's to obey, he's to speak to mom and dad with respect as he honors mom and dad, to speak in ways that show the fact that God has made this parent my authority, and I must speak to them in ways that show respect for that authority. That means I never give commands to mom and dad, get me a drink. Honey, I love you, I want to meet your needs, I'll be delighted When we're playing a board game and dad makes a mistake in the game and he's on your team and you're gonna lose because of his mistake, you can't call daddy a jerk. I'm your father, I'm never a jerk. I may have been playing with my phone and not paying attention to the game, but you may not speak to me in ways that are disrespectful. We need trained children to respect mom and dad and to honor mom and dad, to recognize these are the parents that God has put in my life to provide authority and leadership. speak to them in ways that show honor. See, I'm persuaded that that is taught in the early years. Teenagers that will speak disrespectfully to their parents don't suddenly happen at 13 or 14 or 15 because of the neighbors that moved in down the street and the bad influences in school. They happen because of what parents will accept from little children. And we need to teach even little children to honor mom and dad. Now, I'm persuaded that these goals, teaching children to honor and to obey, can be accomplished in the first five years of a child's life. If you work at it diligently, if you have focus, if you're continually thinking in terms of helping this child learn to be a person under authority, you can get this under your belt in the first five years, so you don't have to have contests over obedience throughout your entire life. You don't have to always be fighting with your kids and cajoling them and scolding them and warning them, but you can teach them to honor and obey, and they will learn those lessons early that will be such a rich blessing for them throughout their life. I was with a family in Brazil a few years ago, seven boys, seven boys from age five to 15. This is a busy family, very involved in ministry, and I was amazed as I interacted with this family. These boys were respectful to mom and dad. They did their tasks. They played together in pleasant ways with one another. Family life was pleasant. Over the days I spent with this family, I never saw the parents angry with the boys, impatient with the boys, the boys disrespectful of parents. And it was such a joy. Now I know they're not perfect children and no doubt there are times they require correction. But the general tenor of family life was pleasant and enjoyable and peaceful. And the boys were happy boys. And I said to Margie when I returned home, I said, you know, I wish I could compress into a 30 second video clip what I observed in these days with this family. Because it'd be such an inspirational and aspirational these things in these early years of our children's lives. You know, when I'm angry with my children, when I'm sinfully angry with them over their disobedience, what have I done? I have personalized their disobedience. I've made it about me and not about God. That's why I'm angry. And we've taken the full grandparents, we must be supportive of our children's authorities in the lives of our grandchildren. So we're always underscoring their authority. So I have nine grandchildren. They've grown up very near Margie and me, and we have had the opportunity to spend tons of time with our grandchildren, rich blessing. But whenever we're with our grandchildren, we are always underscoring their parents' authority. So if they require correction, I will say to them, your father would not want you to do that. your father would want you to obey grandpa. And so you need to do what grandpa tells you to do, because that's what will honor your father. That's what your father would want you to do. I'm referencing their parents. And also, we don't want to undercut their authority. It's a horrible thing when a grandparent says, I know that your dad doesn't let you do this at home, but you're with me now, so at my house you can do it. He's not in charge here. Dad is in charge no matter where they are. undercut the authority of my children and tell their children that they don't have to obey mom and dad's wishes when mom and dad are not present because they're with me. I want to underscore their authority. And even when we have situations where we may disagree with our children's sensibilities, we want to honor their sensibilities. Well, God promises these wonderful blessings. He says it'll go well with you. Now, I want you to think with me about this in two ways. It goes well with the child spiritually. I mean, think about what I've been presenting. If my child is beginning to embrace this truth that there's a God in heaven who's good, he tells me I should honor and obey my parents. Honor and obeying my parents will be a pathway of blessing for me. If a child embraces that truth, think of the incredible spiritual blessings that come to that child. He's learning to live in the world in the ways that God has called him to live. He's learning to recognize that God has put authorities in my life and it is good for me to follow those authorities. I can trust God to work through those authorities to bring things to me that are good. The pathway of blessing and peace for me is not to do whatever I want to do, but to do what God calls me to do. A child that begins to imbibe those truths and embrace those truths and live from those truths, think of the incredible spiritual blessings that come to that child. He's learning that the pathway of obedience is the pathway of blessing. Tremendous blessings come. There are also practical blessings. I mean, there are natural blessings that come as a child, as the adults in this child's world realize this is a child who's under authority. And he can be trusted. Imagine with me that you're going to have a day of recreation with your children. You're going to take them to a park for the day. You'd like to invite another child to come along with you to enjoy the day with your kids, because it will enhance their enjoyment of the day if they share it with a friend. Who are you going to invite to come along? Are you going to think, who do I know who is wild and unruly? Who do we know who'll get lost two or three times during the day? Who do we know who'll complain when it's time to go home? Let's invite him. You're not gonna do that, are you? Who are you going to invite to come along and share the day? You know it's gonna be someone who you perceive to be a child who's willing to be under authority. Think of the number of times in a child's life that opportunities and blessings come to a child who's under authority that do not come to the child who's wild and unruly. It goes well with a child. In profoundly spiritual ways, in eminently practical ways, prosperity, protection, richness, fullness of life. You will enjoy long life. Now, we all have been touched by tragic circumstances in which God has taken children who are very young. And when that occurs, we comfort ourselves in the knowledge that God is too wise to make a mistake. He's too good to be unkind. And we can trust God. with what he has done, even though we may not understand his providence, we know that we can rest in him, we comfort ourselves with those truths. But there's a general biblical principle here that God promises richness, fullness of life, even length of days as we live under God's authority. And so we want our children to see those blessings, that God promises it'll go well with you, you'll enjoy a long life. I was a child, I grew up in an industrial city in America, and it was a very busy city, no place to play near our home, no park or place to play with a ball, and we used to go and play on the car park of a factory behind our home. We were there playing one day, some boys came along and they were throwing stones at the windows and breaking the windows. The police were called. We ran home and told future vandalism. So one time after that, my friend said, let's go play at the car park. I can't. My mom won't let me. He said, come on. Your mom will never know. I agreed to it. I went. I climbed the fence to play in this car park. And as I started over the fence, my youngest brother, Mark, who's six years younger than I am, was with me. As I started over the fence, he looked at me and he said, you don't want to live long, do you? And my friend looked and he said, well, what happened? Did Mom kill you? But what Mark was referring to is not Mom killing us because we disobeyed. What Mark was referring to is this passage of Scripture we had memorized. And he's thinking, you're not obeying Dad and Mom. Your days are numbered, pal. You don't want to live long, do you? Now, there's something very beautiful about that, because he was applying the Scripture directly to our circumstance that day. So we have this circle of blessing in Ephesians chapter 6. Honor and obey, that's the boundary of the circle. Wonderful blessings, it'll go well with you, you'll enjoy long life. The best place for our children to be is in the center of that circle. Now when our children dishonor and disobey mom and dad, they transgress the boundary of the circle, they move themselves outside the circle. And they put themselves in a place of danger. As soon as they fail to honor and fail to obey, they put themselves in a place of danger. Now why is that a place of danger? It will not go well with them out there. They will not enjoy a long life out there. That's a dangerous place for them to be. And the function of discipline and correction is to restore, is to bring this child back inside the circle, back into the place where God says it'll go well with him and he will enjoy a long life. And so that's the purpose of discipline and correction. Discipline and correction is not something I do to my kids because they exasperated me by not obeying me. It's not about me and me having satisfaction that I've made them pay for what they did that was wrong. The function of discipline and correction is restoration, is to bring them from this place of danger outside the circle back inside the circle where God says it'll go well and they will enjoy long life. And that's really Hebrews 12.5, if you think about the vision of Hebrews 12.5. Have you forgotten the word of encouragement that addresses you as sons? My son, don't despise the Lord's discipline, because the Lord disciplines those whom he loves, just like a father disciplines a child. to ignore their disobedience. It's to be desiring to move them from this place of danger outside the circle back inside the circle where it'll go well with them and they will enjoy a long life as they submit to mom and dad and live under mom and dad's authority as they honor and obey. And so the function of discipline and correction is restoration, is to bring them back inside the circle. Now, It's amazing if you think about it. Jesus did this for us. Jesus lived inside the circle for us. I mean, he lived inside the circle for us as deity, as God. He became man. He came to fulfill the Father's mission. He came to speak the Father's words, to do the Father's will, to always satisfy a life of perfect obedience as a man. That was his mission as the Messiah. It was part of his fulfillment of his rescue mission to rescue us from our sin by providing the righteousness through his sinless life that we could not provide for ourself. He also, as a man, the man Christ Jesus, was subject to his parents. That's what Luke 2.52 says. After he had been with the doctors and confounded them with his wisdom in the temple, he went home and he was subject to his parents. He lived his teenage years under parental authority and grew in wisdom and stature in favor of God. So Jesus lived inside the circle for us. And there's a very gospel-centered thing we can talk about when we talk about obedience with our kids. We can talk to them about the fact you're outside the circle, and Jesus lived inside the circle for us. He has fulfilled all righteousness for us. restoration to the proper relationship with mom and dad. And Jesus also is the one that can empower our obedience. Hebrews chapter 2 verse 18, because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he's able to help us when we're tempted. He lived inside the circle a few minutes about physical discipline of children. And I know that this is a very unpopular topic. I mean, throughout the world it is. I suspect in Africa not quite as much as it is in America and Western Europe and certainly in Latin America, but it is an unpopular topic throughout the world. And I think there are various reasons for that. One thing is it's not in style. the notions of patriarchy and the notions of authority that are rooted in biblical principles. And so the idea of teaching children to live under mom and dad's authority is not a popular concept. It's not stylish. It's not fashionable to teach our children to live under authority. But I think there's another reason why young people raising children struggle with this and even perhaps people who are here in this conference who are raised in Christian homes by Christian parents who love God But who had the experience of being disciplined in ways that were wrong. Maybe disciplined out of anger. Maybe disciplined sometimes excessively. Maybe disciplined capriciously. So one day you would be disciplined for something that another day would pass without notice. And so if you were subject to that in unrighteous anger. And you promised yourself, I will never do that to my children. I hated that. I don't want to ever do that to my kids. And if you had that life experience, I want to stand in solidarity with you and say, you must never do that to your children. It was wrong. However well-intentioned your parents may have been on balance, it was wrong for them to discipline you capriciously, to discipline you in anger. They should not have done that. Don't throw away physical discipline just because of abuse. Just be sure that you do it properly and correctly. So I want to look with you at some passages of scripture about the importance of physical discipline of our children. And of course, they're drawn from the book of Proverbs. Let me read the passages and make some brief comments on them and then try to make some application. Proverbs 13, 24. He who spares the rod hates his son. But he who loves him is careful to discipline him. He who spares the rod hates his son. People say to me, I love my kids too much to spank them. I say, no, you love yourself too much to spank them. I mean, if you're a parent with normal filial affection toward your children, the last thing in the world you want is to be the reason for your child's discomfort. but he who loves his children is careful to discipline him. So discipline is not the enemy of love. It's an expression of love. In Proverbs 19, 18, discipline your son, for in that there is hope, Do not be a willing party to his death. Proverbs 22, 15. Folly, it says, is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. Folly is bound up in the heart. You see it even in little children. Maybe a little toddler, you're trying to change this baby's nappy, and he will not submit to you. He's thrashing around, and he's saying to you, in effect, you will not change my nappy. You're going to discover I have four arms and six legs and I can roll like I'm on a rotisserie, you will not change me. That kind of folly is bound up in the heart of a child. And the means of deliverance is discipline. A lot of discipline will drive it far from him. Now when it says folly is bound up in the heart, it's not talking about childishness, silliness, goofiness. We expect children to be childish. We expect them to spill the milk at the breakfast table. We expect that they will be unthoughtful sometimes and make messes. You can turn your back on a two-year-old and he can make a mess in five minutes that would take you two hours to clean up. That's childishness. We don't discipline our children for being childish. But when it talks about folly, it's not talking about childishness. How does the Bible use the term folly? The fool has said in his heart, there is no God. I will do what I want to do, when I want to do it, no one will rule me. I will only be ruled by myself and my wishes and my whims. That kind of folly is bound up in the heart of a child. And the rod of discipline is a means of delivering the child. The idea, it's conceptual, is the same in the next one, Proverbs 23, 13 and 14. Do not withhold discipline from a child. If you discipline him with a rod, he will not die. discipline him with rod and save his soul from death. Now actually what's being spoken of here is not the child dying as a result of the discipline. What's being spoken of is that disobedience in the heart toward God and God's ways and God's truth puts the child on a trajectory that will lead to everlasting And discipline functions to alert the child to that, saying, do not go down that path that will lead to destruction. Discipline is designed to deliver his soul from death. And so it's merciful for a parent to stand in the way of a child who's being disobedient and say, no, no, no, you can't go down this path of disobedience. You can't go down this path of folly, in which you say, I will only do what I want to do. No one will tell me what to do. from that pathway of destruction. Proverbs 29, 15, 17, 15. The rod of discipline imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. 19, 18, excuse me, 17, excuse me, 17, 29, 17. Discipline your son, and he will give you peace. He will bring the light The meaning of these passages are very easy, very obvious. Obviously, what God is calling us to is physical discipline of our children. The most natural interpretation of the words is that God intends appropriate, timely, physical discipline of children. The children benefit from that tactile, very immediate experience of correction. And God will use the parental exercise of appropriate discipline, You will use that in the life of the child to deliver the child from death. And this is such an important truth. You know, Colossians 2.8 needs to be taken seriously. Colossians 2.8 says, see to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophies. Captives, where are captives taken? Captives are taken during a war. There's a war going on out there against Jesus Christ and against God's truth. philosophies. Something hollow and deceptive has the appearance of being solid and substantial, but it's, it's, there's nothing there. It's a mirage. They're hollow and deceptive philosophies that find their roots in human traditions and the ways of the world rather than Christ. They find their roots in where the culture is at the moment. And if you look to the culture at the moment to give you direction about how to raise your children, you will not find physical discipline being part of that, of that lesson. but God's word never changes and doesn't change from year to year and day to day. That's one of the benefits of the word of God. The word of God is an anchor against drift because the culture is a moving stream, but we're anchored by God's truth. So we continue to exercise these truths because we know that they're what's good for our children. Now I want to talk to you, just share with you quickly, My own personal testimony of this, Margie and I had a child in 1969. And we were caught up in the movement at the time, the hippie movement and the war protests in America, the hippies and all that in the 60s, late 60s. And even though we were Christians, we were very influenced by those cultural trends, far too influenced by them. And God gave us a son, and we were free spirits, we wanted him to be a free spirit, and by the time he was two, we were in desperate trouble. And God, in incredible mercy, brought teaching from God's word that brought these truths to us. They were taught by Pastor Bruce Ray, who was a Reformed Baptist pastor, and who wrote a book entitled Withhold Not Correction. And he taught these series in the church that we were a part of, and we were rescued by that teaching. It changed our course. But I have to confess, I didn't like it, and I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to embrace it, but I recognized this is what God calls me to do. And if God calls me to do it, I must obey God. And it'll be good for my son for me to obey God. And God rescued our family, really, with that teaching that was so timely for us. And I trust there are people here tonight who will be rescued by this teaching as well. and ways that are not, that are proper and right. And I want to give you some steps real quickly. First, I'm going to take my child to a private place where I can speak to him in privacy. Discipline is not a spectator sport. You don't want the other kids watching while he's being disciplined. You want to get along where you can be private, you can talk with him and discipline him without the rest of the kids in the family observing or watching. Now if your mom was an 18-month-old, a 2-year-old, a 4-year-old, you're going to have to work with that. But in general terms, we want to give them privacy. Number two, I want to tell them specifically what it is that he's done wrong. Daddy told you to pick up your toys, didn't he? You didn't obey daddy, did you? So the child knows this discipline is not related to what he's done all day. You didn't obey Daddy, did you? So Daddy's gonna have to discipline you. Then I want to remind him of my objective. I want to remind him that my goal here is restoration. I'm not mad at you. I'm not spanking you because I'm angry with you. I love you. I'm committed to you. you have disobeyed daddy, you've moved outside the circle, you've put yourself in that place of danger because you're outside the circle, and my purpose is to bring you back inside the circle, back into the place where God says it'll go well with you, and you will enjoy long life. So I want to remind him, my goal here is restorations, to bring you back inside the circle. Then I want to tell him how many swaths he's gonna receive. Two swaths, three swaths, whatever's appropriate for the child. It would be different with different children. One of our kids had a leather bottom. His backside was made out of the stuff saddles are made out of. He was not easily impressed. We had another one that was so compliant. When he saw the paddle, he was compliant. He required less. So you can take all those things into account. But when I say to my child, Daddy's going to give you two swaths, three swaths, it's a very important signal to the child. He knows what to expect. Daddy's under control. three swaths, he knows what to expect. Number six, I want to remove his drawers. My point here is I don't want the spanking to be lost on the padding of his pants. I've seen moms spank kids through two diapers and all kinds of clothing, and they say, he just laughs at me, he doesn't even feel it. Well, you have to get down to where you can apply the Board of Education to the seat of knowledge without having anything in the way. And so, with little children, we want to remove their diapers and their padding and discipline them. Now, I want to give you this caveat. This is very important. With a little child, if you're in charge of the child's hygiene, you bathe him, you change his nappy, you make sure that he's clean when he uses the toilet. If you are in charge of his hygiene, you see his bottom every day in the course of ordinary business. It won't be an embarrassment for you to see it when you discipline him because it's a common occurrence. If he's older You don't want to have any child have any sense of shame or embarrassment. You do want to make sure, though, that there's nothing in the way that will keep you from being effective. Number seven is so important. I want to restore the child. I want to take him up on my lap and tell him how much I love him. So as soon as the discipline's over, I used to rock my children. I'd hold them, I'd rock them on the rocker and I'd say, honey, daddy loves you very much. And I hate to spank you. In fact, I hope I never have to spank you. I told him that hundreds of times, and by and by the day came. I've been spanking him and my kids for years. Of course, they're all in their 40s and 50s, but it's really not something you're gonna do for the rest of your life. It's for a fairly narrow window in the development of the child. Now, if he won't be restored, I'm trying to restore him. He's calling to the other parent for help. He's telling me he doesn't like me. He's pulling away. He's turning his face away from me. If he's signaling to me in some way, I will not be restored to you if something is wrong. Two things I need to check. The first thing is I need to check my spirit. Was my spirit wrong in the discipline? Maybe I was sinfully angry. And I was squeezing him excessively as I dragged him into the bedroom and flung him across the bed. And so I brought ungodly anger to the discipline process. And if I've done that, I need to ask for forgiveness. Please forgive me. Daddy should not have spanked you when he was angry. And I'm sorry, there's no excuse for that. Please forgive me. The other thing I need to check is the child's spirit. Maybe he's just still outside the circle. My guy with the leather bottom, sometimes I would say to him, Daddy thought two swaths was enough, but you're not sweet enough yet, so I'm gonna have to discipline you again. So I want to check his spirit as well. And then finally, I want to pray for him and pray with him. There's a moment, the Puritans put it this way, there's a moment when the wax is soft, at the time of discipline. You know, they used to seal an envelope with a wax and a signet ring. When the wax is soft, it's the time to impress on the mark of Christ. There's a tender moment. You're holding this child in your lap. You tell him how much you love him. Honey, Daddy loves you. I hate to spank you. I hope I never have to spank you again. I've told my kids that hundreds of times. And this is why Jesus loves us. God's help and God's grace. Dad's going to pray for you and pray that you'll be a boy who loves God and who obeys Mommy and Daddy. A tender moment to cease for the gospel. Common questions people often ask about spanking. What's a spanking issue? And I want to make a distinction here. I wish I had written into the book, Shepherding a Child's Heart, but I lacked the insight at the time and I've gained it since. A lot of what you deal with with little children, correction is the appropriate intervention rather than discipline. For example, I have a three-year-old. He pushes his 18-month-old sister over, takes her toy. Now, it's very upsetting to observe this, because she's left crying. He's being cruel and unkind to her. But I'm not going to discipline him over that. My first approach to that is going to be correction. I'm going to say, no, no, no, honey. You cannot take your sister's toy. She was playing with that. You must give it back to your sister. And I'm going to use the language of the heart as I talk to him. I'm going to say, you're not being kind to your sister. You're being unkind. You're not serving her. You're serving yourself. You're not loving your sister. You're loving you. You cannot take her toy. You must give it back. Now, if he gives the toy back, there's no need for correction. Because see, this act of taking the toy was not an act of rebellion against my authority as a parent. and took it from her. I'm going to correct him for that. I'm going to save discipline for the times when there's clear disobedience. When I've given a directive that he has not obeyed, that's when I want to bring discipline into play. When is the child old enough? When he's old enough to disobey you, he's old enough to be disciplined. It'll be probably before he talks. What if I'm too mad? If you're a person that gets very angry, then you should never discipline your child in anger. You should covenant with your child and your spouse, I will never discipline until I first quieted my heart before God, so I don't bring unrighteous anger into the discipline process. What if we're not at home? I don't know about Africa, You can always leave wherever you are and go home. Aunt Susie will come and visit another day. You can go home, take care of business. Or you may choose to overlook something that you would not overlook at home because you're not in a position where you can deal with it. Because you don't want your righteousness to be spoken of as unrighteous. So you don't want to be misunderstood. When is a child too old to be disciplined? I don't know the answer to this question because I think there are maturational constellation of kids in the family. But I think you will observe this. Discipline is the most effective with little children because little children want to avoid physical discipline and it gets their attention, it gives weight to your words, it underscores the importance of obedience. It's most effective with little kids. As kids get older, they get more stoic about it. They figure out if I Then we'll be talking about, not tonight, but Wednesday night, we'll talk about the sowing and reaping principle of God's Word. We'll talk about how to use consequences in ways that are not behavioristic. Another common objection is people say to me, if I, it's too late for me. You know, I have kids that are 8, 10, 12, I've never taught them I've lost the opportunity. And certainly, you would not want to start a spanking process with a 10 or 12-year-old child who you've never spanked. But you can certainly teach that 10 or 12-year-old child to honor and obey Mom and Dad. You go home and teach the things that I've taught you today. Teach them about the circle of blessing, about honor and obeying. Give definition to honor and obeying. Talk about the promises that will go well with you. You'll enjoy that life. and you can rescue them. I've seen parents who've gotten a hold of these things with older children, have taught them to their children, and have their children embrace the truths and change family life dramatically. I have some questions I want you to think about, several questions that you can think about, and I would encourage you, discuss them with your spouse so you can talk about your parenting. The first question is this, why do we tend to leave God out of the picture when we talk to our children about obedience? Second question, how could helping your child see that obeying God is the path of blessing change the way that you talk about the necessity of obedience? Third question, what are the ways in which you are tempted to give away your authority, to let your children get away with disobedience and disrespect? What are the ways you're tempted to give away your authority? Next question, describe The ways of thinking of discipline as restoration rather than punishment. If you think of discipline as restoration rather than punishment, how would that change the way you approach discipline with your children? If your goal is not punitive, but restorative, how would that change the way that you approach discipline? And then, finally, how does finding hope in The fact that Jesus stayed inside the circle for us. How can that bring gospel content to the process of discipline? How can I bring Christ and Christ's obedience, Christ's fulfillment of all righteousness, Christ's capacity to help us when we are struggling with doing what is right? How can we bring that gospel-centered focus to discipline and correction of our children? This is an important task God has given us, and you as a parent are the only one who can fulfill this calling for your kids, and teach them the importance of being people under authority. Children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and your mother, which is the first commandment of the promise, that they go well with you, and you may enjoy a long life on the earth. Let me pray with you. Father, we come to you asking that you would help us to think soberly and carefully about these things and to bring these truths to our children, that our homes and our churches would be filled with parents who are focused on teaching their children the blessing of being people under authority. Lord, we commit this night to you and we pray for your blessing on the four nights that will follow and ask for your blessing on the proclamation of your word that gives light. So we thank you in Christ's name.