Good evening. I'm thankful to be participating in this conference, and as I mentioned earlier, I wish I was able to be there with you. Perhaps one day in God's providence that'll be possible, but we're very thankful for the opportunity to be with you, and grateful to God for the work that he has been doing in Zambia all these years. And what an encouragement the churches in Zambia have been to the body of Christ around the world, as we've seen the vitality of the work that God is doing amongst all the solo five churches in the southern half of the continent. So we're very thankful to be able to participate in this conference. Well, this is our third session together, our third evening, and we have looked in the first one at the child rearing stages. We looked at zero to five at the first five years, preschoolers. And what are the goals and objectives? And I gave you one big overarching objective for those years, and that is to teach our children to be people under authority, that God has put us in a family and he's given us authority structures and he, God is over us and for a child to live in conscience before God and obedience to mom and dad is the pathway of blessing and these wonderful promises that will go well with you, you will enjoy long life. Then the second session we talked about elementary school age kids, what's the big goal? in that period. Well, we want to help them to develop a self-consciousness about motivational things. And the Bible says the heart is the wellspring of life. We live out of our hearts. All the hopes and dreams and aspirations of the person reside within the heart. And from the heart, they set the course of life. And so we want to help our children to develop a biblical self-consciousness about motivation. What are the things that push and pull inside? And we saw that the scripture is rich with descriptions of motivation. And part of my encouragement to you in that session was to develop a hard notebook with your kids. In non-confrontational times, in times when they're not being scolded, they're not in trouble, they haven't done anything wrong, you're just simply studying God's word together, Studying passages that describe attitudes of heart, like revenge or vengeance rather than entrusting myself to God, or pride. What are all the passages you could study on pride? Write those passages out in the heart notebook. Discuss them with your children. Illustrate them. Think of illustrations in the scripture or from Christian biography so that you're talking about and you're developing self-consciousness within your kids about motivation, about their hearts. And the more we focus on the heart, the more we focus on the gospel. You see, if my message to my kids is just behave correctly, then my focus is going to be on the behaviorism that will make them behave correctly. What are the incentives or disincentives I can offer? But if my focus is on the heart, the heart is the wellspring of life, then it shows us how profoundly we need grace. because we're part of a fallen race. We are people who are full of pride. We need the grace of God to forgive our pride, to transform us internally, to do all the things for us that Ezekiel 36 describes. To take out the heart of stone, to give us a heart of flesh, to put his spirit in us, to cause us to walk in his ways and remember his commandments. We need that work of grace within, and it's by the grace and empowerment of the gospel that I can live in humility toward others rather than live in pride. And so we're trying to help our children understand those motivational things that push and pull behavior. And the Heart Notebook is a wonderful way to do it because it brings God's word to our children again and again, and we're filling out that notebook over time with truth from the word of God. If you take that list of heart attitudes that I went through with you yesterday, And if you looked up passages of scripture and wrote those passages out and discussed those passages with your children, do it in little increments, 10, 15 minutes at a time. But over time, over months or perhaps even years, you could fill that notebook with truth in the word of God about motivation. Well, that's what we talked about in our second session. In this session, we want to talk about the sowing and reaping principle of the word of God. And in many ways, this session comes about because of the emphasis that I made in the last session on the importance of the heart rather than just manipulating behavior. Because if our objective is the heart and not just a correction and managing and controlling our kids, the obvious question and a question parents often ask when I teach this material is what about What about consequences? Do consequences have any place in shepherding our children? And the answer, of course, is yes. The consequences are not disconnected from the shepherding process. They are a very vital part of the shepherding process. And I ought to acknowledge at this point, before I go on with this teaching, that I'm really teaching from a chapter that Margie wrote in the book, Instructing a Child's Heart. I'm teaching material that she has developed that is so appropriate and necessary for us. Let me give you this illustration as we begin. Imagine with me, I have a son and this is an American illustration, so you'll have to forgive me for that and try to translate it for yourself. But I have a son who's 10 years old. It's his job. One of his chores around the house is to take the trash cans from the back of the house out to the street so that when the trash man picks up the trash on Thursday morning, the trash is there and it's ready to be taken out and cared for. And so this is his job. Wednesday night before Thursday morning, he's supposed to take the trash cans out. doesn't get it done. And I find myself going to bed on Wednesday night and I look to see if the trash cans are out there and they're not out there and he has not taken them out in a timely manner and I'm torn. Should I just wake him up out of a deep sleep and make him get dressed and take the trash cans out or should I just do it myself? Or maybe I don't think about it the night before but in the Thursday morning, as I'm lying in bed, I hear the trash truck, and I suddenly am awakened, and I realized, oh, that trash truck, oh, the trash can's not out there, and so I'm scurrying to try to drag the trash cans out so the trash gets emptied. Now, I want to interact with this child in terms of the sowing and reaping principle of the Word of God. So that's really what I want to focus on, and using this illustration as a foundation, we'll talk about bringing the sowing and reaping principles of God's Word. Because my purpose in discipline, I'm discipling Him. It's discipleship. I want to reach the heart of this lab. So I don't want to use behaviorism. And in the ways that I'm defining the word behaviorism, I'm thinking of behaviorism as constraining and controlling behavior through a system of rewards and punishments. through incentives or disincentives. It's the idea of the carrot and the stick. You know, the carrot is held out in front of the donkey to get the donkey to move forward, or you swat him with the stick to get him to move. One is negative, the other is positive. And those rewards and punishments may be authoritarian and even threatening, a promise of material or emotional reward. We might offer external incentives and disincentives the child's sense of guilt and the fear of being disapproved by mom and dad. And all those methods are powerful methods to change behavior, but they don't move our children toward loving God and loving others. So behaviorism will not take us where we want to go. In contrast to that, biblical concepts to both instruct the heart and to direct the behavior of our children. And since God is concerned with the heart, we must be concerned with the heart as well. And so heart change has got to be my greatest concern as I bring instruction and discipline to my kids. Now I can't reach inside their hearts, reach inside them and change their hearts. And so the temptation, because I can't change the heart. I don't have the capacity to change the heart. The temptation is to substitute the behaviorism that is so popular in 21st century culture for the power of the Word of God and the power of the work of the Spirit of God who works through His Word. And I think the majority culture, the culture in which we find ourselves, uses behaviorism and depends on behaviorism because they have no doctrine of internal change. They have no hope of the gospel, no hope of the kind of radical internal transformation that the gospel brings. But why would we, as the people of God, who know the hope of the gospel, want to use external methods to constrain and control behavior? We have the hope of heart and life transformation through the transforming power of the gospel. So it's the power of the gospel that is the hope of change for our children. And that truth can really energize the way we instruct and even use consequences with our kids. Because God has ordained, according to Psalm 119, verse 130, that the unfolding of his word brings light. And your task is to bring truth to your kids. Your task is to bring the truth that God has revealed to us in his word to your children. God's the one who changes hearts. But God's word addresses the heart of your child. You also must be focused on the heart. So that brings the question, then what is the place of consequences? What role do consequences have in this process? How can I shepherd the heart and yet still have consequences for behavior that is wrong and correctable? Won't I confuse my kids? If the heart's the battleground, then why would I want to correct external behavior. And the sowing and reaping principle of the scripture helps us to understand and to practice practical consequences in the discipline process. And we have to understand this process and self-consciously teach it to our children. We want to help them to understand the distinction between the consequences of behaviorism and the sowing and reaping principle of the word of God. So as we think about sowing and reaping, we're really talking about planting and harvest. You know, if I plant corn, I'm going to harvest corn. And it's true that if I plant corn, I will never harvest beans. I will harvest corn because I will harvest whatever I plant. And likewise, we want our children to understand that you cannot sow simple thoughts and behavior and reap anything other than what you have sown. Because sometimes I think our children, and perhaps we ourselves, sow to the flesh and we pray for crop failure. But we want to train our children to have a harvest mindset, to realize they are always sowing and they are always reaping. And what we plant today will be what we harvest tomorrow. Whether tomorrow is measured in days or moments or even in years, we will always reap what we sow. And so it's that sowing to reaping principle of the scripture that sets consequences apart from, biblical consequences apart from behavioristic consequences. And the most dramatic difference between behavioristic consequences and biblical consequences is what is my goal in bringing the consequence? As parents apply the sowing and reaping principle of scripture, the consequences that they shape for their children are actually designed to underscore the reality of biblical truth. So the consequences of behaviorism serve to change behavior. And they really move our children away from the gospel and away from lasting heart change because they appeal often, as I mentioned yesterday, to what is perverse. They appeal to crass self-interest. They appeal to pride. They appeal to avarice and greed. Behaviorism appeals to things that are wrong within our children as a means of getting them to do something that is externally appropriate. So the scripture talks to us about consequences, and of course the classic text for this is Galatians chapter six, and no doubt you have already been thinking of this passage, but let me read to you verses seven and eight in Galatians chapter six. Do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction. And the one who sows to please the spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life. Sowing and reaping. And notice this passage. This passage is a, not just a warning, it's not just an exhortation, against mocking God. It's a statement of reality. God cannot be mocked. God has so structured the world in which we live that this sowing and reaping principle is built in to every aspect of our lives. And of course, the plant analogy of sowing corn and reaping corn is a picture of that, but it is true in terms of relationships, it's true in terms of relationship with God, relationship with others, it's true in terms of the things we diligently pursue in this world. There's a sowing to reaping principle that God has built into the world. And sowing to the sinful nature brings destruction. He who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction. It will always reap destruction. And sowing to the Spirit brings peace with God. Sowing to the Spirit brings comfort. Sowing to the Spirit results in eternal life. So that sowing and reaping principle is built into the world. We want to help our children. It's part of the formative instruction we need to give to our children. We want to help them to understand God has built sowing and reaping into his world. You live in a world where you will always reap what you sow. And if you sow to the flesh, you will reap destruction. If you sow to the spirit, you will reap life. This is not just an exhortation against sowing to the flesh. It is a warning. It is absolutely true. The nature of reality that God has created is that we always reap what we sow. Now, there are two types of consequences that we want to think about. As we think about bringing consequences to our children, there are two types. There are those natural consequences. Natural consequences are what occurs if no one interferes. When I get angry, for example, and I kick something with my foot, my foot hurts. That's a natural consequence. In the same way, we need to allow natural consequences to take place in the lives of our children. If my child, for example, loses his calculator, I don't have to run out and buy him another calculator or replace it. If he loses his calculator because of his choices, I'm going to allow him to reap what he has sown. I'm going to be very sympathetic. Honey, I'm so sorry you lost your calculator. I know it's gonna be difficult for you to do your math work. Thankfully, God has built you on the decimal system. You have 10 fingers and 10 toes, but you're gonna have to do math the hard way. But I'm not going to solve the problem. Often, parents insulate their children from the consequences that come as a result of the children's choices. It's foolish for us as parents to do that. If my son loses his book bag and loses all of his books, to replace the books for the sake of the school because they were the school's books and not his books. And so we're going to have to buy new books and we're going to take that money out of his allowance or out of any money that is gifted to him or that he earns because it's his responsibility to repay the loss. But I'm not going to go out and buy him a new book bag. I can help him find something to carry If we use two plastic grocery bags, they have handles on them, that's what you can use to carry your books. But I'm not going to solve the problem for him. So there are natural consequences. We need to allow natural consequences to take place in the lives of our kids. Those are the things that happen if no one interferes. So those natural consequences. And sadly, parents shield their children from natural consequences. There also are consequences that are shaped by the authorities in our children's lives. Parents will determine, for example, what outcome will underscore the principles of the word of God. And of course, when we're shaping consequences for our kids, we're not shaping consequences to show them that they can't get away with that stuff with me, or to show them that I'm not stupid, for those self-serving reasons. We're not shaping consequences simply to manage their behavior and get them to behave differently in the future. Consequences underscore the principles and absolutes of the word of God. And we want to train our children to see that consequences are not what I'm doing to you, but they're things that you have brought on yourself through the choices that you have made. And I have shaped the consequences, but the consequences are your consequences. This is the appropriate consequence for the choices you have made and the decisions that you have made. Now, when we shape consequences for our children, they should have these qualities. First, they should be reasonable. And they should be logical. They should be reasonable. They should not be extreme or excessive. I remember one time when I was a child, I'd done something wrong, I don't remember what it was, but my father was so provoked at me and I could see this consequence kind of begin at his feet and work his way up through his body and he said, that's it, you're grounded for a month. Now, the only thing that gave me hope at that moment was that I could see my mother behind him going, oh no. Of course, her problem, be grounded for a month, she just didn't want to be the jailer for the next month. And he came back later with a consequence that was more reasonable. The temptation is to have unreasonable consequences. They should not be unreasonable, and they should be extreme or excessive, and they should be logical. They should be connected as much as possible to what has gone wrong. They should serve the goal of discipline and correction, to disciple our children, And so our consequences should be reasonable consequences. And they should be logical. We have the illustrations of logical consequences in the scripture. Remember Moses striking the rock in anger. And what do I have to do? Bring water from a rock and striking the rock in anger. God brought a consequence to Moses. What was the consequence? He never entered the promised land. Now, what was the goal of the march through the desert? The goal of the march through the desert was the promised land, and Moses never entered into the promised land as a consequence of his anger. Or we think of Miriam in the same period of Israel's history, who was upset because she wasn't getting enough recognition and attention from the people, and so she was upset over that. What consequence did God bring to her? he brought leprosy to her, which meant that she became an outcast and was separated from the people. So our consequences should be logical. They should be connected as much as possible to what has gone wrong. For example, my young son goes into his sister's room and he's angry with her because she was touching his stuff. And so he goes into her room and dumps her purse out on the floor. And in the course of things, That's a logical consequence. That's connected to what he did that was wrong. So we want to have our consequences be reasonable. They shouldn't be extreme or excessive. They should be logical. They should be connected as closely as possible to what has gone wrong. But I want us to see something else that we often don't see and our children miss. And this is part of the formative instruction we want to give our children. There are spiritual dimensions of sowing and reaping. And sowing and reaping is always more than just simply the temporal consequences. There are spiritual dimensions to sowing and reaping. And the temporal consequences, without reference to the eternal and long-term and spiritual consequences, become meaningless and ineffective. And they create scars and wounds in our children, and they produce a hard heart and a distorted view of God. and relationships in the world. And you notice Galatians 6 talks about eternal ends. Sowing to the flesh, to the sinful nature, brings destruction. And sowing to the spirit brings eternal life. Now, let's think about my young boy, my 10-year-old, who's now taking the trash cans out. I want to talk to him, I want to bring sowing and reaping principles from God's word to him. And I have a bigger goal than just simply controlling the behavior and making sure that he takes the trash out in the future. I want him to understand his world and God's ways and God's truth. And so I have that large spiritual goal as I engage this child. So there are five inevitable consequences that come as a result of his failure to obey dad and take the trash cans out. Five consequences. And whether or not I bring any consequence for the behavior, whether or not I take the trash cans out in the future and don't even require him to do it, there are still consequences to his disobedience, to his failure to honor father and mother. The first is we reap in terms of relationship to God. God will not be mocked. God cannot be mocked. A man's ways, Proverbs 5.21 says, are in full view of the Lord and he examines all his paths. God is our friend or our enemy, James chapter four, verse four says. God thwarts the conniving of the double-minded. James 1.8 reminds us. We're either spiritually cold or spiritually hot, we're told in Revelations 3.15-16. We either scatter or we gather. with our thoughts and deeds according to Matthew 12, 30. We either live with a sense of biblical well-being or we live with fear and guilt. The warning in Hebrews chapter three is, see to it that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God so that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Sin hardens the heart. Sin separates our communion with God. Our hearts become calloused. God seems distant and out of reach. Spiritual reality seems elusive and ephemeral. And we want our children to realize that when they harden their hearts toward God, when they're disobedient toward their parents, when they fail to make a priority out of doing their tasks, they're actually hardening their heart toward God. Because it's God who calls them to be children who obey and are responsible. And when they fail to do that, they are hardening their heart toward God. They're reaping, even if unconsciously, they're reaping. They're reaping that hardness of heart. The thief, for example, thinks he's gotten away with his thievery, but he reaps a seared conscience. and robs him of a clear conscience and the sense of well-being that comes when you earn honest wages. Or the adulterer revels in his stolen love, but he reaps an empty life of sordid, hidden moments that end up like gravel in the mouth. Or even the restored sinner will live with the bitter consequences of his past sin. Think of David, who sinned with Bathsheba. God forgave him, but he lost the son. He lived with the consequences of that sin. And in contrast, sowing to God, sowing devotion to God, sowing to God's kingdom, sowing to the spirit, reaps spiritual blessings. Psalm 37 captures this. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he'll give you the desires of your heart, we reap in relationship to God. And we want to teach these things to our children. We want them to understand you are always sowing and always reaping. And one of the ways that you reap in every transaction that you make in life, in every choice you make, in every decision you make, you're always reaping in relationship to God. And you're either hardening your heart toward God or you're drawing near to God. But you're never indifferent toward God because you're made for God. and you're always reaping in relationship to God. Secondly, we reap in terms of habits for life. Children need to be taught this, that the habits of thought and practice that you engage in as a child will prove to be very resilient in adulthood. Daily choices that seem insignificant will develop and develop critical mass and shape your character even as an adult. The heart that connives deceitful ways of solving life's challenges by lying and cheating and dishonesty will reap a lifetime of bitter harvest. And we all would have to acknowledge that there are habits that were formed in our childhood that we still struggle with and still need to deal with even as adults. They haven't magically gone away, even because of our faith in Christ. So my son, who's not taking the trash cans out, has a tailor-made opportunity in this family chore to practice habits of life that will yield, lend themselves toward healthy community living with his family, and has neglected this duty of taking the trash cans out will provide patterns for other areas of life, for his family life and school life, and eventually even will shape his adult life. Sin subtly enslaves us. We believe we're in control, but slavery and bondage await. The evil deeds, Proverbs 4, verse 22 says, the evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him and the cords of his sin hold him fast. So we want to help our children realize, not only are they reaping in terms of relationship to God, secondly, they're reaping in terms of habits for life. They're developing habits of life that will prove very resilient in the future. Third way that we reap, whether or not any immediate consequence is ever brought, is we reap in terms of reputation. And our reputation, of course, is the sum of the impression that we leave on others. It's defined by the ways that we respond to others. And children want to be regarded as good and reliable, as dependable and trustworthy, as honest and kind, but they fail to recognize that their reputation is an inevitable consequence of their attitudes and behavior. And Proverbs 5, again, talks about this in verses 12 12 through 14, how I hated discipline, how my heart spurned correction. I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I've come to the brink of utter ruin in the face of the whole assembly. Even a child, Proverbs 20, verse 11 says, is known by his actions, whether his conduct is pure and right. So my son, who's not taking out the trash, He's developing a reputation. When I say to a sister, okay, honey, it's time for you to do the dishes, she says, why should I have to do the dishes? He never takes the trash out. He has a reputation in the family as someone who doesn't fulfill his responsibilities and doesn't carry his load. And so we inevitably reap in terms of reputation. That's one of the ways that sowing reaping takes place. As you're taking notes, we reap in relationship to God, we reap in habits for life, we reap in reputation. We reap in terms of human relationships. Behavior has great implications for our relationships with our family, for relationships with our peers, for our authorities, and there's pressure put on the relationship between my son and myself. If he's failing to take out the trash, That puts pressure on our relationship every Wednesday night, every Thursday morning. Puts pressure on our relationship. I'm confronted with needing to confront him with his irresponsibility and his failure to do his task. Puts me in that unpleasant position. It puts him in the unpleasant position of needing to receive my admonition and rebuke. It's a negative thing in our relationship. And either relationships will be free and open or to be filled with guilt and hurt and bitterness, filled with regret and defensiveness. And often our children fail to connect the dots between their attitudes and behaviors and the way that impacts relationships. Because we want relationships that are unaltered by sinful attitudes and behavior, but we reap either beauty or pain in relationships depending on what we have sown. because God has built sowing and reaping into the world. And we cannot sow to the flesh without reaping destruction. Relationships are either facilitated or they're put on life support by what we sow. So we reap in terms of relationship to God, habits of life, reputation, relationship with others, and then finally we reap in terms of of long-term usefulness in the kingdom of God. The most important outcomes that come to us in the sowing and reaping process are not immediate. They have to do with a useful God-honoring life. That's an important concept for your children to get a hold of, and it's not an easy concept to get a hold of. But the prodigal son, for example, was received back into the family after he returned with his confession, relationship was restored. He was accepted back into the family. His father killed a fatted calf and they had a party and they rejoiced that he had returned, but his inheritance was lost. Remember the father, when he goes out to console the older brother, he says, all that I have is yours. This son was not reinherited who came home. He had squandered his inheritance. It was gone. He reaped the loss of the inheritance. He reaped the loss of respect for his station. It was diminished by the choices he had made, the wasted years that he had spent as a prodigal could never be recovered. We reap in those long-term ways. And in the sowing and reaping principle of the word of God, we reap throughout our lives. And usefulness in God's kingdom, usefulness in the lives of others, is reaped when we sow to the spirit. When we sow to the flesh, we reap destruction. And that destruction is both now in this life and also ultimately in the life to come. Now, behaviorism may be very popular. I think one of the reasons why it's the primary method that parents use to manage kids is because it works. It may be very popular, it may work, it may seem effective, but it obscures the gospel. When we use incentives or disincentives, prizes and rewards or punishment and privation to get the behavior we want without reference to God, without reference to his redemption, without reference to his ways and his truth, we are teaching our children that they can live life in this world without Christ and without the grace of Christ and without the enablement of Christ. So how can we honestly bring consequences to our children that mirror the sowing and reaping principle of the scripture? So I want to give you a process of corrective discipline here. I want to think through how would I talk to my son, my son who's failing to take the trash cans out, how can I talk to him? Because corrective discipline is a rescue mission. It's designed to return the strained child back to that circle of blessing that we talked about in our first hour. It's the parent coming alongside the child, coming alongside certainly as an authority, but also as a fellow creature, as one who's tasted the waters of life and can attest to their life-giving quality. And Christ modeled such relationship for us. He was made like his brothers in every way. we're told in Hebrews chapter two. So that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God. He stood beside us, he embraced us, he dwelled with us, he can look at the world through our eyes. So the writer of Hebrews says, we don't have a high priest who's unable to sympathize, we have one who is tempted in every way like we are. And he can give us We can find grace and mercy to help us in our time of need because He has experienced our life. He's lived in our flesh. He's lived in this fallen world. He lived without sin, as we know, but He lived in our world. He can see the world through our eyes. He models relationship for us. He models the kind of relationship we want to have with our children. We want to come alongside them. We want to embrace them. We want to show them the ways of God. is not to catch them, it's not to expose them, it's not to make them pay for what they did. Their purpose is to restore them, to bring them back inside the circle. So in the reaping process, I want to interact with my son. So one of the first things I want to do with this boy who's not taking the trash cans out, I want to ask good questions. I want to ask him, Help me understand, why do you think it's so difficult for you to get this job done? Week after week, we have this difficulty. You don't get the trash cans out in a timely manner. Why do you think it's so difficult? Now if I'm dealing with a 10 year old, what's he going to say? He's going to say, I don't know. And that's fine, you can go with that. I'll give you some multiple choice. Is it that you're lazy? It's a possible answer to the question. I would hate to think that of you, but that's an answer. Do you procrastinate? You intended to do it, but you never actually got around to it. You thought you could get away with not doing it, and so you just kind of in a hard-hearted way decided not to do it because if you didn't do it, I would do it, someone else would do it. Do you have philosophical problems with taking the trash out? You know, some of our kids have philosophical problems with doing their chores around the house, because they feel like, my friends don't have to do anything, why should I have to do anything? But I want to ask him questions. I want to say to him, you know, I'm concerned about you, because I notice that you don't get your tasks done. Do you know what I'm talking about? Now, he'll say yes or no. If he says yes, then you can proceed. If he says no, you can say, well, let me illustrate, for example, taking the trash out. So I can ask in ways that are appropriate to his age and understanding of what he's thinking, what he's feeling, what his fears and desires are, what the hopes of his heart are. I wanna ask good questions. I wanna begin by asking questions. Then secondly, I want to remind him of the formative instruction that he's received. In this case, I want to remind him of the importance of that circle we talked about the first hour, honor and obey father and mother. God promises it'll go well with you, you'll enjoy long life. Do you hear the sowing and reaping in that passage? It's there, isn't it? So I want to remind him of the formative instruction. God says you're to obey mom and dad. In failing to take the trash out, you are failing to obey. And it's important that you obey. So the formative instruction gives me an opportunity to remind him of the necessity of obedience. God calls you to do this. It's something that's good for you. It's God's will for you to obey dad. And I'm insisting on your obedience because it's important for you to learn to live in this world in the ways that God has called you to live. It would take less time for me to take the trash cans out than it takes for me to have this conversation with you. But I'm having this conversation because I want you to remember the importance of obeying God. Then thirdly, I'm going to say, remind him, there are serious outcomes that you are already reaping for the sin that you have sown. Serious outcomes. Even if dad brings no consequence, you will still reap. Now what are those things that he's reaping? He's reaping in terms of relationship with God. He's reaping in terms of habits for life. He's reaping in terms of his reputation with others. He's reaping in terms of his relationship with others. Sin puts pressure on human relationships. And ultimately, long-term usefulness in God's kingdom, Even life and death, both now and for eternity, are in play. So I want to remind him of those things that he is reaping because God has built the world in such a way that God cannot be mocked. Now, I would suggest to you that probably most of our children do not have clear thinking about what they are reaping as a result of their failure to honor and obey mom and dad. And those five things are really the core of what I want you to carry away from you today, and the importance of teaching these things to your kids is one of the things I want you to carry away from this message, that we're always reaping in our relationship to God, because God cannot be mocked. If we sin, we harden our hearts toward God. And we will reap that hardness of heart. And the person that consistently, persistently sins puts calluses on his heart. Now calluses are very convenient on your hands because they enable you to pick up sharp objects or to hold hot cups of coffee without burning your hand. But calluses are devastating on the heart because calluses insulate and keep you from feeling the pressure that you ought to feel to do what is pleasing and acceptable to God. Catalysts keep you from hearing the still, small voice of God. So you reap in terms of a relationship to God. See, I want my son to realize, whether or not dad brings a consequence, you're reaping in relationship to God. You're reaping in terms of the habits that you are developing in life. You will not magically grow up to be an industrious, hardworking boy if you have developed the habit of being lazy and indolent. We reap in terms of reputation. How do you want to be considered by others? We reap in terms of relationship. Sin is destructive toward relationships. When I sin against you or you sin against me, we put pressure on our relationship. And we reap ultimately in terms of long-term usefulness in God's kingdom, even life and destruction. are in play. So I want to remind him that you're reaping what you have sown. Even if I bring no consequence to you, you're still reaping. Then number four, I want to ask the question, how can I help you? I want to help you. I'm here talking to you about this because I love you, I'm committed to you. I want you to live in this world in ways that God has called human beings to live. And so that's why we're having this conversation. How can I help you with this? And I want to come alongside him. I want to help him to identify the ways that he is sowing to his flesh, the ways of thinking, the ways of responding that make this task unimportant to him, that are reflective of sowing to the flesh. And I can come alongside him in that because I know weakness in the face of temptation. I know what it's live as a fallen person in a fallen world? And what more powerful way to point my child to the Savior than to come alongside him in his times of temptation and struggle? And I don't mean commiserating with him, but I do mean acknowledging your own need of God, your own need of grace, your own dependence on God, the ways that God is enabling and strengthening you I love you, son, and I'm concerned about you, and I want to help you. So I want to identify with his struggle. I want to be like Christ and come alongside him and model that holy art of laying down my life for others. So I want to put Christ right in the middle of this problem because his identification with fallen humanity is irresistible. We want our children to be deeply moved by Christ's ability to sympathize with our weakness and to understand us. I also want to identify with him, what would it mean to sow to the Spirit? What would it have looked like if you were living a life of loving God and loving others? And I want to talk to him about how sowing to the Spirit means that I take seriously the callings that God has given me. I take seriously the directions that mom and dad give me, and I strive to fulfill those obligations and duties that have been put upon me. And all along, I want to have dialogue with my child. I'm not just having a monologue. I'm not just scolding him. I'm not saying, that's it, you're grounded. But I'm drawing out these truths of sowing and reaping from God's word to help him to understand that he is involved in this sowing and reaping process. Now, then I, number five, I want to say you may not continue to respond in this way. You must, we're gonna solve this problem. So even though I'm being very gracious in the way that I'm engaging him, I want to help him. And I'm offering any help I can give, even practical help. Can I help you make a list? So you can check off your list every day, make sure you did your chores. Would it help you if I reminded you? Whatever it is that I can do to help, I want to help. But I also want him to know, and this is the fifth point, I want him to know that you must not, you cannot continue to shirk this responsibility. You must obey death. You must take the trash out. This problem is going to be solved and the solution to the problem will not be me doing it. We want, you must do it. And so I want to say you understand the standards and values and rules in our home. And you know what expectations we have for you. You know this expectation is not unreasonable or inappropriate and we expect you to behave in accordance with these expectations. So we're happy to help you in every way that we can. But you have this duty to do this job. This problem must be solved. You must do it. Now, number six, I'm going to bring a consequence. Now, this is where I want to develop a consequence that is reasonable and logical. So I want to bring a consequence to him that says, in light of what you have sown, this is what you're going to reap. This consequence serves the goal of reminding him of the important spiritual consequences that we've already talked about. And so that even these natural consequences that I bring, or the reasonable consequences, the logical consequences that I bring, underscore, are designed to underscore the fact that God cannot be mocked. They're designed to underscore the truth that we are We're always reaping in terms of our habits for life. We're always reaping in terms of reputation. We're always reaping in terms of relationship. We're reaping in terms of usefulness in God's kingdom and usefulness in the lives of others. So I want to put this consequence as part of that bigger picture. But I want you to notice something. How different the consequence that I bring is from the ways that consequences are typically used. Generally, parents don't have conversation or dialogue with their children. They end up just giving a consequence. That's it, you're grounded for a month. If you don't do it next week, you'll be grounded for two months. That's it, I don't want to talk about it. Just go to your room. We're not engaging them. We're not working through this process with them and helping them to understand rich spiritual truth that I live in a world that God has designed in which he cannot be mocked, in which I'm always sowing, in which I'm always reaping and helping this child to develop a harvest is I'm always sowing. What I'm reaping today is what I sowed yesterday. And what I will reap tomorrow is what I have sown today. And so we're helping them to understand this sowing and reaping principle of God's word. And so that's what the consequence is for, is to underscore the importance of God's word. It's to underscore the importance of walking in God's ways. In light of what you have sown and not doing this task, this is what you're going to reap. and you can try to think of a creative consequence that would be both reasonable and logical, connect as much as possible to what has gone wrong. Perhaps what I would say to my son is, you know what we're going to do for the next month? You and I are going to serve our neighbors and we're going to take everyone's trash can out on Wednesday night so they're all out there on the curb ready for the trash man on Thursday morning. And so we're gonna do that together, I'm gonna do it with you, but I want to underscore the importance of this job, and maybe that's a consequence I could come up with. You may be able to think of a better consequence, but I want to have a consequence that underscores the importance of God's truth and the importance of God's ways. So the consequence is not meant just simply to serve the end of getting the behavior that I wanted, but it's meant to underscore the importance of God's truth and the importance of God's ways. Then number seven, I want to give my child an opportunity to respond. I want to say something like this. Have you understood the things I've talked to you? We've had this conversation, we've talked about the necessity of doing this task, we've talked about the ways that you are reaping in terms of relationship to God, in terms of habits for life, reputation, relationship with others, even long-term and even eternal reaping. Have you understood the things I've talked to you about? What do you think about them? How do you interact with the things we've talked about? Is there any way, anything you would like to add to this conversation? Is there any way that you feel like I have misunderstood you in this conversation or been unfair to you You know, I say to parents, you should ask your kids, do you think I've been fair in this conversation? Often parents will respond to me and say, I don't want to ask them that, I know what they'll say. It's not better if it's unsaid. For one thing, it's always possible that I have not been fair. I mean, are you always fair in every conversation? Ask your spouse. You see, sometimes we're not fair and Asking the question gives me an opportunity to rethink something I may have said in haste or in anger that was inappropriate, and I can ask forgiveness. I'm sorry I said that. I should not have said that. Please forgive me. I'm glad you pointed that out, and that'll help me in the future. See, I want to ask these questions. Have I been fair? Is there anything else that you would like to say? Do you feel that you've been misunderstood? I want you to know that we love you. and we always want you to feel free to talk to us and we want to know about your questions and your doubts and your fears and your joys. One of the most destructive aspects of ungodly discipline and correction is the lack of kind and gracious dialogue. Because when I'm just simply saying, that's it, you're grounded, that's it, go to your room, there's no conversation, there's no dialogue, there's no warm, empathetic, And you see, we can be warm and engaging and empathetic with our children without lowering the standard, without letting them off the hook, without simply passing off the responsibility. But we're using our empathy and our graciousness, our kindness, like Christ's kindness, in order to bring Christ and truth to our kids. So I want to give opportunity for that, because some of the life-shaping opportunities that people have with their children come in the context of discipline and correction. As I work through the Sowing and Reaping Principle with my kids, I'm helping them to understand God's ways, but I'm also helping them to understand my heart of love for them, my love for God, and my embrace of God's truth. So I don't want to strong-arm them with arguments or threats or warnings or dire predictions. Those things will not change their hearts. They harden the heart. But I want to talk to them. I want to encourage them to respond. I want to engage them. And then finally, in this process, I want to have prayer with my child. Because prayer is a very important part of the process. And now, you may not necessarily do it at the end. I put it here at the end. It could be done at the end. It could be done earlier on. It could be done maybe when you're talking about, how can I help you? Let's pray for you, let's pray that God will help you next week to be responsible in getting your task done. Maybe that's where I would put prayer in, but in this conversation, prayer must be a part of it. And I want to bring this child to God. And remember, you are a tangible representative of the unseen God in the life of your children. They don't see God, but they see you, and you are God's representative. And I want to signal to this child that my concern is for them. This correction is not designed to benefit me by getting what I want. It's designed to help them to grow in the ways that they need to grow. And prayer puts everything into perspective. So we want to acknowledge our sin in prayer. We want to acknowledge our inability to help ourselves. We want to acknowledge how profoundly we need God and God's grace and God's help. We want to pray that God would give help to our child and help him to overcome his sin and laziness and indolence or whatever may be the occasion of his sin. We want to focus this on a conclusion that brings us to Christ and brings the grace of the gospel to the situation. You know, one of the most humbling aspects of the parenting task is the realization that I cannot save my kids. God has called me to set Christ before them. He's called me to Christ-like living, I'm to train them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, as Paul says in Ephesians 6, 4. But ultimately, I am powerless to do the most profound thing that is needed in their lives. I'm powerless to change them. I'm powerless to reach, I can't reach inside and flip a switch and make them into people who repent and believe. I can't save my kids. That's a very humbling aspect of parenting. And in fact, if you try to change your kids, if you try to be the agent of change and you're determined you're going to make Christians of them, you will put incredible pressure on yourself and incredible pressure on your children and you will not be able to accomplish that goal because you don't have the capacity to make Christians out of your kids. That's humbling. But hope for me and hope for my child is found at the foot of the cross. I have a Savior who's willing and able and powerful. And one of my hopes, even as I raise my kids day by day, is the fact that God has put them in a home where they hear the gospel every day, that God has put them in a home where they're daily acquainted with their lost state and their need of Christ and need of grace. And I'm trusting that God's word that I bring to them will be the power of God to salvation in their lives. And I'm praying for that end, that my hope for my kids is not found in my ability to change them and transform them, but it's found in the fact that there is a Savior who has come into our world to live without sin for us and to die as a sacrifice for our sins. And he has come to seek and to save the lost. And that's really the hope that I have as I teach my children these principles of sowing and reaping. Do not be deceived, Paul says, God cannot be mocked. A man will reap what he sows. He who sows to the flesh will reap destruction. He who sows to the spirit will reap life. May God help us to use consequences in ways that are not designed simply to manipulate and change our children, but designed to underscore the importance of God's truth and walking in God's ways. Father, as we think about these things, we're struck with the fact that we need you and your grace ever been as much as our children need you and your grace. And without you, we can do nothing. But we're reminded also, Paul's words in Philippians chapter four, that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And so we pray for strength. We pray for strength to be parents who represent God to our children. who bring the hope of the gospel to our children, who bring the soaring and reaping principles of God's word to our kids, who are able to uphold a standard and not change the standard for our children, not lower it for them because they're unbelievers, but to hold a standard that is consistent with the law of God, because we know the purpose of your law, is to lead us to Christ, to help us to see how profoundly we need you and your grace and the change and transformation that you bring. So we pray that you give us grace to bring these truths to our kids, to not just simply try to manage behavior through some foreign behavior or something, but to bring the grace and richness of this sowing and reaping principle of the Word of God to our children. We pray, Lord, that in your hand these truths would be used in the lives of our kids to do for them what we cannot do, that you would change them and transform them and make them like Christ. We pray this for his great glory. Amen. Thank you. Tomorrow night I want to talk to you about shepherding the hearts of teenagers. And we'll look at those teen years and some goals and objectives for those