Good evening. It's such a joy to be able to be with you during this conference. I will look forward to a day when I can actually be with you physically. And once again, we do acquaintance with many of you who I met 28 years ago when I was at the Zambia Reform Conference. At that year, it was in Kitwi, but we look forward to that day, the Lord willing. Well, we've been talking this week about child rearing and about the importance various childbearing stages. The first session we talked about zero to five, helping our children understand that there are people under authority, that God has built authority into his world, and to obey God means to obey mom and dad. So there's a circle in which children are to live, the boundaries honor and obey. And when you live in that circle, there are these wonderful promises, it'll go well with you, you'll enjoy long life. Then we talked in the second night on Tuesday, we talked about the heart and the importance of the heart. We live out of our hearts. Proverbs 4.23, Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. And so we talked about the importance of teaching our children about their hearts and helping them to even become self-conscious about motivational things. And I give you long lists of biblical terms that describe the things that push and pull inside, those motivational things that are behind the words we say and the actions that we perform. But since that night, on that night I spoke so much against behaviorism, against simply manipulating the behavior of our children and not dealing with the heart and therefore missing the gospel because we're not dealing with the heart. I wanted to talk about a biblical idea of sowing and reaping, and so we looked on our third night together, Wednesday, the sowing and reaping principle of God's Word in Galatians chapter 6. and the importance of teaching these things to our children so that they understand that they are always sowing, they're always reaping, and they develop that harvest mentality and recognize the absolute truth that God has designed his world in such a way that God cannot be mocked. We will always reap whatever it is that we sow. So we looked at that principle. Tonight, I want to talk about teenagers that wonderful period my brother Paul calls the age of opportunity when we have teenage kids. So we're thinking about kids from 13, 14 till they leave home, but even teenagers and somewhat even young adults, much of this would be applicable. So we're looking at those years. I want to think with you about some common characteristics of teens. One of those common characteristics is insecurity. Teenagers feel insecure about everything. They feel insecure about themselves, their physical being, how they look, how they appear to others, how they act. They feel insecure about their fund of knowledge. We used to observe that when we had teenage children, we had three teenagers all at the same time, that they spent a lot of time in front of the mirror. And they weren't just fixing and arranging and making themselves beautiful, they were actually Is this my good smile? Is this my good side? Is this my good side? And they were asking themselves the question, will someone come into the shopping center of life and put me in the basket and take me home? Am I marketable? Will I be attractive to somebody? Will someone want me and want to be with me? That kind of insecurity we see often in teenagers. It's also a time of vulnerability. They, you know, they're not quite Adults yet, they're not little children anymore. They're kind of stuck between adulthood and childhood. And of course, when they act like children, the adults say, look, if you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult. And when they act like an adult, the adults say, don't get too big for your britches, you're still my child, you know. And so they're never quite sure what's expected of them. It's also a time of instability. Teenagers are unstable in the world of ideas. That's why teenagers are so susceptible to strange ideas and so easily influenced by strange notions because they don't yet have fully formed convictions. They haven't thought through the various issues of life that you've thought through as an adult. They haven't come to their opinion about many areas of thought and understanding, and so they're very open malleable and often very impressionable. So there's this instability in the world of ideas. We used to notice when we had teenagers we would have long discussions around the dinner table and sometimes they could be on all sides of the discussion and arguing from various points of view and one of the reasons for that is because they had a lot of half-baked ideas that were not fully cooked yet, and so they were experimenting with ideas, and that often was the function of our conversations together, helping them to clarify what they thought and what they understood. So there's instability in the world of ideas. There also is emotional instability with teenagers. Teenagers can be feeling happy, satisfied, overjoyed one minute and the next minute it's like the world has come to an end again and they're full of angst and sorrow and struggle. So there's that tremendous emotional ups and downs that often track along with having teenage kids. So instability emotionally. It's also a time of apprehension. More than you future. They wonder about the future. They worry about the future. They wonder, how will I get from where I am now to finding my niche in life and finding my place? How will I find the career path that is appropriate for me? How will I be able to support myself and care for myself and no longer live at the largesse of my parents? They're apprehensive about those things. And it's difficult because there's no straight line path to those questions. And often jobs and careers and even career direction come up on our blind side, sometimes even unexpectedly. So they're apprehensive about the future. One of our teenagers, a 17-year-old grandson, confided in me recently, he said he would just like to stay 17. He's decided 17 is the perfect age. He has a driver's license. He has a vehicle that he can use. He has a great deal of freedom. And he's not responsible for caring for himself. And so he still can live at home and live with the largesse of his parents. So there's that apprehension in his mind about the future, about how he will find his place and where he will end up. and how he will care for himself. It's also a time when our kids can be very resistant to authority. We need to engage them in very wise ways. You don't engage a teenager in the way that you would engage a toddler. You have to speak to them in ways that understand the fact that they're growing from childhood into adulthood. And so you speak to them with a more of a respect and dignity rather than just simply giving them direction like you might give direction to a four-year-old. What are the common pitfalls for the parents of teens? One of them I think of, but I think of cops and robbers. You know, maybe that is just from my American movie genre background, but the idea of there are people who are getting away with things and people who are trying to catch them. And sometimes parents develop that kind of a relationship with their teenage kids, where the teenager, for his part, he's trying to get away with as much as he can get away with, and the parent is sneaking around trying to catch him. always checking up on him to make sure he's where he should be and kind of developing that kind of cops and robbers relationship with the child. And I must suggest to you that that's not beneficial to our kids. I used to say to my children, I choose to believe you, I choose to accept you, and I choose to accept the things that you say. And I pray every day that if you're involved in something, some conduct, some activity, relationships, friendships that are destructive for you, that God will use some means to bring it to my attention. But I'm not going to go around trying to capture you or catch you or sneak up on you. But I pray every day committing you to God, that God will bring to my attention something that I should know will enable me to help you and serve you. Another common pitfall the parents of teens is disengaging. Now some of these may not be as common in African context and you'll have to judge that but for America disengaging is a huge issue for the parents of teens and by disengaging I don't mean that the parent has no rules. They're still saying Look, I want you in at 10 o'clock, and they have a curfew, and they're still giving direction to the kids, but they have disengaged in the sense that they have given up on being a nurturing influence in the life of the teenager. They've concluded he's more influenced by his friends than he is by me. He thinks I'm an old fuddy-duddy. He doesn't take me seriously. He doesn't want to be with me or to engage with me, and so the parents give up on being a nurturing influence in the life of their teen. Now the same parent, when the child was a toddler, was pouring himself into that child in every possible way. But now he's withdrawing and he's pulling back. And he's giving up on being a nurturing influence in the life of his teenager. I want to encourage you, stay engaged. Know your kids. Know what they're involved in. Know their friends. Make your home a place where they are welcomed. Insert yourself into their lives. Keep yourself in that place of influence that is so beneficial to them. Another common pitfall is authoritarianism rather than influence. Now by authoritarianism, here's what I mean. It's when a parent determines, I'm going to be a strong authority in your life, and I'm going to practice tough love, and I'm going to to make the punishments onerous if you get out of out of line and I'm going to, you know, I'm going to control you, that kind of authoritarianism. Sometimes parents think through that they're going to be able to maintain control of their kids and keep their kids out of trouble. I would submit to you that influence is more powerful than authority. If I told you, for example, that the President of the United States never makes a decision without checking with me, and he always does what I suggest. Now, if that were true, how much authority would I have in the government? It's a trick question, isn't it? Because in actuality, I would have no authority at all. I'm not elected to any office. No one is obligated to listen to me. I would not have any authority. But how much influence would I have? If I had the president's ear, I would have incredible influence. See, influence is more powerful than authority. And what we want to do in these teenage years is cultivate a relationship with our teenagers that makes us a person of influence in their lives. that makes us a person who can be a trusted voice, who makes us a person who's engaging them and who knows them and understands them and who is at work for their good. And so that child has this perception. I have parents in my life who care for me and love me and protect me and are concerned with me. And it's important for me to hear them and to give their words seriousness. Another common pitfall is reckless words. The Proverbs say it this way, reckless words wound like a sword. I think the ESV translates it, reckless words are like the thrusting of a sword. But reckless words wound like a sword, the tongue of the wise, in contrast, brings healing. Reckless words. Many times the parents of teens begin to be reckless in their words that their power is slipping away. And so they begin to be more and more destructive with their words. Reckless words, the Proverbs say, wound like a sword. The tongue of the wise brings healing. I was with a couple one night. I was actually paying a pastoral visit. I was in their home, and they had a two-story home, and their daughter came down from the upstairs, down a staircase that opened up into the parlor where we were seated. And as she came down the stairs, she was dressed very inappropriately. The Proverbs would say she was dressed in the attire of a harlot. And her father spoke to her in my presence from across the room in a very acidic tone of voice. And he said, where do you think you're going dressed like that? You look like a whore." She said, I'm going out. She went out the door. And he turned back to me to continue to make play conversation. And I felt so grieved. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I felt so saddened by the ugliness of this scene between a father and his daughter. For him to speak to her in that kind of tone of voice and say those destructive words was ugly and awful. And for her to just walk out on it as though she was indifferent was just as ugly. It was a destructive, terrible moment. Now, was there a reason for parental concern that night? Absolutely. I would not have wanted my daughter to own those clothes. I would not have wanted her to try them on for her own amusement. There was a legitimate reason for parental concern, but the words were destructive words. They were reckless words that wound like a sword. They're reckless words that are destructive. They were not the tongue of the wise bringing healing. That girl did not walk out the door that night thinking, wow, I've got a dad who loves me. She walked out, hearing the echo of destructive words in her ears as she closed the door behind her. Reckless words. Another common pitfall is, I call it majoring on the minors, is short-circuiting on behaviors. It's focusing on things that are not really the primary issues for the lives of our teenagers. And it's so easy for us to do that, to focus on matters that are matters of taste and style, and not matters of actual substance and importance. I often tell parents in America, one of the disappointing facts of life is that your children are not going to want to grow up and look like you. Every generation has a way of separating themselves from the previous generation, and people have matters of taste and style that they employ that reflect their age group and their peer group. And some of those things are matters that are not matters of ethical and moral importance. And so we need to be willing to let go of those things that are just matters of taste and style and keep our focus on the matters of real importance. What is the goal? What do we want to accomplish in these teenage years? What's the big picture goal? The big picture goal in these teenage years is I want to see my children internalize the gospel. I want them to embrace the gospel as their own living faith. So I want them to receive God's word and to embrace God's word and to see it not just as my mom and dad's religion, but as something that they have embraced. I think of it as passing the baton. We're passing the baton of faith to the next generation. You know, in a relay race, the baton must be passed. One runner is reaching back for it, the other runner is extending it, and the baton must be passed in that box or else the team is disqualified. The teenage years are that period. We're passing the baton of faith to our kids. We want to see them get such a sturdy grasp on the faith that they will run with faithfulness in their generation. In fact, we want them to have such a firm grasp on the faith that even if we abandon the faith, they will continue to be faithful. So we want to see them embrace God's word as their own living truth. Now, that means I want to shepherd and nurture my children with God's word. You know, God's word, this book, the Bible, is unique amongst all books. There is no other book like it. There's no other book that is inerrant. There's no other book that is the actual revelation of God. It's unique. It was given by God. We have absolute truth in God's word because we have a God who has infinite knowledge, who has revealed to us everything we need to know in order to live in this world in the ways he's called us to live. Isn't that the testimony of Timothy chapter three, verse 16. All scripture is breathed by God and is profitable for doctrine, reproof, correction, training in righteousness, so the man of God might be thoroughly equipped for every good work. Everything we need to know to be ready for everything God has called us to do, he has given us in his word, the Bible. Now that's an amazing statement, because if you think about that, if the word of God is all that I need to be thoroughly equipped for everything that God has called me to do, then there's nothing that I have to say to my children that cannot be found in the word of God. I'm not just simply bringing my own ideas or my own authority to my children, but I want to bring truth to my kids. I want to bring the truth of God's word because everything human beings need to know to live in this world in the ways that God has called us to live has been given to us by God. So we have doctrine or proof, correction, instruction, and righteousness so that we can be thoroughly equipped for every good work. So I want to bring God's truth to my kids. Now, not just my words. It's very easy for us to lecture our children with our words, to lecture them with our ideas, and they might even be good ideas or appropriate or proper ideas, but we're just simply bringing the authority of our ideas and our wisdom to our kids. God's word is powerful. God's word is self-authenticating. The spirit of God works through the word of God. God's word Isaiah 55 says, we'll never return void, but we'll accomplish God's purposes. Nowhere does it say that Ted's words will never return void, but God's word, God's word is powerful. God's word is active. God's word is sharper than a double-edged sword. And I need to bring the word of God to my kids. That's what they need to hear. So if there's something that I need to talk to them about, I want to tie it to God's word. I'll give you a couple of illustrations. Imagine with me that you come home from work and your teenage kids are watching something on the computer or something on the television that is inappropriate. It's not something they should be watching. It's adult themes and coarse language and too much immodest dress. Now you could just go in and scold them. You could say, what do you mean watching that? I told you never to watch things like that. You know better than to watch that. I'm just shocked that you would do this. And we could just snap off the television and give them a good scolding. Or we could say, you know what guys, we need to shut that off. But let me talk to you about why I'm concerned about what you're watching. them to Ephesians 5, beginning with verse 3. Among you, there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality or impurity or any kind of greed, for these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk, or, of course, joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure, no immoral, impure, Greedy person, such a man as an idolater has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore, do not be partners with them. You were once darkness, but now you're light in the Lord. Live as children of light. For the fruit of light consists of goodness, righteousness, and truth. Find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. Now think about these words. Not even a hint of sexual morality, impurity, foolish talk, coarse joking. You just ruled out 90% of what is available as internet on television, or as entertainment, rather, on television or on the internet. Not even a hint of foolish talk, coarse joking, sexual morality. And see, I can say to my kids, if you disagree with me, you have no argument with me, because I didn't write the book. These are God's words. This is God's truth. And see, when I bring God's truth to them, I'm bringing something to them that is objective. It's objective to me, it's objective to them. This is not just Dad's opinion, not just Dad's ideas, it's not just Dad's conservative rant against modern entertainment. These are the words of God. These are words that transcend history. These are words that never grow old. that are just as appropriate today as they were when Paul pinned them under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. And so I wanted to bring God's word to my kids, because see, God's spirit works through his word. And one of the ways I nurture teenagers is by bringing God's word to them, because the spirit of God works through the word of God. Let me give you another illustration. James chapter four, or three. Imagine with me this circumstance. I have a teenage daughter, a 15-year-old daughter, who's... I overhear her talking to her younger sister. She's speaking to her sister in ways that are arrogant and denigrating and disrespectful of her sister. And I could just scold her. I could just go and say, what do you mean talking to your sister like that? You have no right to talk to her like that. I don't want to ever hear you talking like that again. Who do you think you are? You're not her mother. You're not her father. I don't want to ever hear that again. Or I could just bite my tongue at the moment and wait for an opportunity to come alongside my daughter and say, you know what, honey? Earlier, I was overhearing this conversation you had with your sister. I was thinking of this passage. Look at this passage with me. In James, it talks about two kinds of wisdom. It talks about wisdom that does not come from heaven, beginning with 15, but is earthly, spiritual of the devil, James 3, 16. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." Honey, I want you to think about your conversation earlier with your sister and I want you to evaluate what kind of wisdom do you think you were reflecting? Was it that is pure, peace-loving, gentle, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. You see, I'm not hitting her over the head with the Bible. I'm simply bringing God's Word to her because God's Word is truth. God's Word is self-authenticating. God's Word is powerful. The Spirit of God works through the Word of God. So I want to bring the Word of God to my daughter and help her to understand the importance of speaking to her sister in ways that reflect God's purposes and God's grace. So I need to shepherd my children and nurture them with God's word because my goal is to see them embrace God's truth as their own living faith. It also means I need to shepherd them through the inevitable periods of doubt that come. You know, for every young person raised in a Christian family, there must be this transaction where they move from, these are the things my mom and dad believe that they have always taught me that I ought to believe, and they embrace the faith for themselves as that which they believe and out of which they are going to live. And there's got to be that transference. It's got to be that handing off of the baton. It's got to be third faith. grasping the faith for themselves. So I want to see them grasp the faith. And that means I need to shepherd them through those inevitable periods of doubt. Because every child raised in a Christian home is going to be confronted eventually with the fact that there are a lot of people out there who don't believe the things mom and dad believe. Nice people, clever people, creative people, interesting people, who don't believe. the Bible, who don't believe the truths that I've always been taught. And our kids are going to wrestle with the question, do I believe these things because this is just the culture and tradition in which I've been raised? Or do I believe these things because I've embraced them myself? And they will wrestle with questions. And we need to be there for them and to engage them. We need to talk to our kids about it. We used to have long conversations when we had teenagers. We'd have long conversations around the table in our time of family worship, and we'd be talking to them about their questions. What are your questions? What are your struggles? What are the questions of faith that you have? What are the doubts that you are tempted with? And we would say to them, are not Christians because we switched off our brains. We believe our faith is a reasonable faith. And if you have questions of faith, we are willing to talk about those questions. We're willing to engage you because we believe our faith is a reasonable faith. Sometimes when I talk about that, parents will say to me, I don't want to say that to my kids. I don't know if I can answer their questions. I don't even know what their questions are. You know what? You don't have to be the answer person. I mean, we are blessed. One of the blessings of this internet era is we have so much material readily available to us online. Wonderful resources that we can use to engage our kids. I think of ministries like Answers in Genesis, which wrestles with creation science questions. or I think of books like Douglas Wilson's book, Persuasions, or Tim Keller's book, The Reason for God, or other apologetic books that lay out, that really wrestle with the questions that people have, and really deal with all the questions that skepticism will ask of faith. And we can engage our children, interact with them, talk to them about these resources, and work through them together, be willing to walk them through those inevitable periods of doubt, because our kids have got to embrace the gospel for themselves. And we want to be there to help them in wrestling with those questions that come. Ultimately, we're endeavoring to develop a relationship and mutuality as people under God. So we want to shepherd them. in these ways. Now I want to give you three foundational issues for teenagers. They're all drawn from the book of Proverbs and they're wonderful foundations for these teenage years and things that we need to be bringing to our kids and teaching them and drawing them into and encouraging them with. The first is the fear of the Lord, Proverbs 1.7. The fear of the Lord Lord is the beginning of knowledge. Teenagers desperately need to know the fear of the Lord. We need to bring a large view of God to our kids and sadly much of modern evangelicalism has emphasized the imminence of God. God is near, He's close to hand, He's the one who who gives me health, wealth, and prosperity. We emphasize the eminence of God rather than the transcendence of God. God is a holy God. He's a sovereign God. He's a God of purer eyes than to behold iniquity. He's a God who overlooks nothing. He's a God who will bring all sin to account. He's a God who will redeem countless people more than anyone can number, but he also will consign the wicked to everlasting destruction. And He's a God that you're going to face, and you're going to stand before Him, and you will one day give an account of yourself before this God. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And our children desperately need to know the fear of God. We need to be bringing a large God to them. And the attributes of God must be part of our conversation around the family table as we have family worship together. and the holiness of God, and the justice of God, and the omniscience of God, and the omnipotence of God, the omnipresence of God, the sovereignty of God, the power of God. All his attributes and all their beauty and balance must be brought to our kids. We want them to be overwhelmed with the greatness and glory of God because the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Psalm 33 says, the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him. Psalm 147 verse 11 says it this way, the Lord delights in those who fear him. The fear of the Lord is foundational. We want to give our children a sense of the wonder and grandeur and greatness and glory of God. The second foundation that we have here is the remembering your parents' words. It's the very next verses, eight and nine. Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. Listen to your father's instruction and your mother's teaching. There's a fuller version of it in chapter six, just a couple pages over. beginning with 20. My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching. Bind them on your heart forever. Fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you. When you sleep, they will watch over you. When you awake, they will speak to you. For these commands are a lamp. This teaching is a light. And the corrections of discipline are the way to life. We want our children to realize God has given your mom and dad. And it is a great blessing to adhere to the direction and receive the counsel that your mom and dad have given you throughout your entire life. Remembering your parents' words and reminding our children. We used to talk to our kids about this when they were young. We used to say to them, you know, no one loves you as much as your mom and dad. There's no one else in your life except perhaps your grandparents who have prayed for you every day of your life. We will lay down our lives for you because we love you and you're precious to us. Please don't walk away from this. Please don't disregard our counsel. Please remember no one loves you like your mom and dad. Remember the things we've taught you. Remember the things we've instructed you in. important message for our kids to hear because if you're not telling your kids that, there are no voices in 21st century culture that will tell them that. My wife Margie was with a group of young people. She had gone to our capital city in our state, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, to be part of a conference for young people and she had taken a whole group of kids there with her. of the conference introduced the speaker. He was a young guy who was real cool and he got up and the first thing he said is he said, I want all you old people to leave. Everyone here who's over 25, you should all leave because we're going to have a conversation and really break it down. We can't have the conversation we need to have if you all are here. So if you're over 25, please leave. So everyone with maturity, wisdom, Life experience left the room, except for Margie. She stayed with her kids. She wrote the man a letter later, explained to him why she had stayed. And she talked to the kids about it in very constructive ways, because there were many things this young man said that were very good and beneficial for the kids to hear. But the opening of his entire talk was all wrong. It was all upside down and backwards. Instead of saying, let's thank God for your parents, let's thank God for leaders, Christian leaders who brought you here, let's thank God that there are people here who are invested in you. Instead of that, he was saying, if you're over 25, you're irrelevant and we can't have the conversation we need to have if you are here. Sadly, often even youth ministry in our churches, youth ministers are pied pipers leading kids away from home. rather than leaving kids back home. So we want to help our children understand that God has given you parents who love you. And it is a blessing to adhere to the instruction and interaction that we've given you. Don't walk away from us. We love you. We used to tell our kids that all the time. In 2012, eight years ago, I retired from pastoral ministry and I cleaned out a desk that I had occupied or I had used for 30 years in my office. And of course, your office is like your house. Over time, you collect things that you didn't even realize you have and you forgot all about. And I found an envelope in the back of one of the drawers of my desk. It was an envelope that one of my sons had given me the day he turned 20, and it said, To Dad on it, and I recognized his handwriting. I had no idea what was inside the envelope. It had probably been more than 20 years since I had seen it. Well, I opened up the envelope, He was saying to me, Dad, all these teenage years, you've told me not to walk away from you and to remember you and Mom and your words and your instructions to me. And I just wanted to say that I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm 20 years old now, and I'm so thankful that God has helped us and we still have a nice relationship, even though I'm coming out of those teenage years. of teaching when I re-read it because the importance of our kids seeing God has given you mom and dad to love you and help. If you're not teaching them that, who's going to teach them that? We need to remind them of these pillars for young people, these three foundational points. Fear the Lord, remembering your parents' words. The third one that is here is disassociation from the wicked. My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them. Verse 10. If sinners entice you, should such a strange thing ever happen as the enticement of sinners, do not give in to them. This is not an if of uncertainty. Your children are going to face the enticement of sinners. Wicked people are going to come into their lives and endeavor to engage them in all kinds of wickedness known to humanity. Sexual perversion, gender confusion, adultery, fornication, homosexuality, drug use, alcohol use. people are going to come into your kids' lives and endeavor to engage them in those things. With the zeal of a missionary, they're going to try to draw them in to those things. Your children, they're going to face the enticement of sinners. And so Solomon gives this warning. If sinners entice you, do not give in to them. We need to help our children prepare for that. We need to actually help them be prepared for those temptations. We need to even do role-playing with them where we imagine, what would you do if someone said this to you? Or if you're with a group of friends and this activity is going on, how are you going to extricate yourself from that? How are you going to move away from a joke that is being told that you know when the punchline of the joke comes, you'll be being asked to laugh at something that is perverse and wicked How do you extricate yourself from that? How do you keep yourself away from those enticing, tempting circumstances? What do you do when you're stuck in a situation like that? My brother Paul tells the story of one of his sons who, Paul and his wife had gone away for a weekend and they had made arrangements for their children to be in the homes of different Christian families so they could have a weekend away. His oldest son, after work on Friday, evening was to go to his friend's house. He got there and something had fallen apart in the pre-planning because his friend's parents were also gone and there was a house full of teenage boys. And the first thing they did, this was in the pre-internet era, they went out and got some DVDs and some videos that they should not have watched. And Paul's son pled with them not to do that, but of course they were not going to Paul asked him later, he said, well, what did you do? He said, well, whenever they watched the videos, I went and sat in the kitchen. And when they were done, I would go join them again and we would hang out, but then when they watched another video, I would go sit in the kitchen. Paul said, well, what did you do in the kitchen? He said, Dad, I ate more potatoes than I've eaten in my entire life. But you see, he had the wisdom to extricate himself from that situation. He had been taught how to disassociate himself from the wicked, how to remove yourself to a place of safety. And so we want to teach our children to not associate with wickedness. But we could ask ourselves the question, what is the attraction of the wicked to a teenager? Why would he want to be drawn into that? Remember who we're dealing with. We're dealing with a kid who is insecure, who's unstable, who has a weakness as a part of a fallen race for that which is prudent and wrong. And notice, what is the attraction in this passage? Because if we read the passage with insight, we can see what it is. Verse 11 says, come along with us. Now circle us in your mind's eye. Let us lie and wait for someone's blood. Let us waylay some harmless soul. Let us swallow them alive like the grave and whole like those who go down to the pit. We will get all sorts of valuable things and fill our houses with plunder. Fill in your lot with us and we will share a common purse. My son, do not go along with them. You see what's being offered? What's being offered is camaraderie. Belonging. Come along with us. We're gonna pull this prank on someone and we're gonna waylay them. We're going to have a common purse. Throw in your lot with us. You're going to belong. What's being offered is belonging. Brothers and sisters, let's make our homes places where our teenagers belong. Where they are accepted. Where they are loved. where we are willing to welcome their friends and invite them into our house, where our home is open and our lives are open. And we're cultivating relationship with our teenagers. We're interacting with them. We're figuring out what their interests are and we're engaging with them in those interests. And we are creating an atmosphere in the home where our teenagers feel accepted and embraced. When my youngest brother Mark had a teenage son, I noticed Mark was really bulking up. And I said, boy, Mark, you look like you've been hitting the gym. He said, yeah. I said, Jacob is into lifted weights. And so I go with him every morning. We lift weights together. We go to the gym together. We lift together. And we, you know, that's something we're doing together every day. Now, you see what he's done. He's provided a context for spending time with his son. because they have the travel time to and from the gym. They have all the fun banter that takes place when you're doing something athletic together. Come on, give me three more, you can do it. And it's relationship. And we need to understand our kids, understand what their interests are, help them in pursuing any legitimate interest. We need to be welcoming, as I said, to their friends, and invite them into our home, and get to know them, and engage them, and interact with them. And God can give you grace to do that. And it'll be a great blessing to your children. Now all that we've talked about here really underscores the importance of communication. And I want to talk to you for a few minutes about communication. Because your paradigm for child rearing will dictate the strategies that you use for communication. And the focus of these sessions that I've had with you this week are on nurture rather than just on control. And your parenting style or paradigm will dictate the ways that you speak to your children. Harsh words, yelling, scolding, track along with a parenting paradigm that is focused on control. But if your model for parenting is nurturing discipleship, designed to provide insight and understanding, then your style of communication would mark by restraint, by pleasant words, by delighting and understanding your kids. And so I want to speak to you for a few minutes about those three aspects of communication that are so important, particularly when we are shepherding teenagers. But before I get to that, I want to separate this as much as I possibly can from just a little lecture on communication techniques. Because I want you rather to think of living a life of faith, living a life of joyful confidence in God, because it's faith in God, it's confidence in God, it's the fear of the Lord that facilitates the kind of communication that I want to speak to you about for these next few minutes. The fear of the Lord, Proverbs 9.10 says, is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom is the first step in the pathway, excuse me, the fear of the Lord is the first step in the pathway of wisdom. Proverbs 15.33 says it this way, the fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom. So speaking with restraint, employing pleasant words, delighting in understanding your children, reflects wisdom, wisdom that is found in the fear of the Lord. So the qualities that enable you to speak to your children in the ways that you ought to speak are profoundly spiritual. They're found in a joyful, awe-filled reverence of God as the Almighty God. And the greater your vision is of God and the higher and exalted he is in your presence, the more you experience The fear of the Lord, a sense of awe and reverence before God, the more your communication will be godly communication with your children because the fear of the Lord is what gives wisdom. And almost every verse I'm going to use in these next few minutes has in it the word wisdom. And wisdom comes from the fear of the Lord. Sometimes people pride themselves on telling it like it is. But the Bible does not prize unbridled speech. Pleasant, nurturing speech is not thoughtless or impetuous. Proverbs 17, 27, a man of knowledge uses words with restraint. A man of understanding is even tempered. Wise people speak with restraint. Now they'll speak with frankness, they'll speak with candor, but their words will be framed to benefit those who hear. Speech is quiet speech. Ecclesiastes 9.17 says, the quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of the rulers of fools. Quiet words, there's power in quiet words. The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than shouts. Think about it. Quiet words put meaning in the foreground and emotion in the background. Shouting puts emotion in the foreground and meaning in the background. There's power in quiet words. Shouting trivializes your words. Another issue of restraint is too many words. Ecclesiastes 6.11, the more words, the less meaning. And how does that profit anyone? You could wear out your children with too many words. Long conversations can generally be summarized in several sentences. Parents simply repeat themselves, and that will exasperate your children. Meaning is lost when words are many. Also, there's another problem with too many words. It's in Proverbs 10, 19. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. You know what the proverb is saying? If you let me talk long enough, I'm going to say something I shouldn't have said. where words are many, sin is not absent. And in a long, emotionally draining conversation with your teenager, you can find yourself saying unguarded, destructive things. And afterwards, you'll think, how did I ever end up there? That's not the conversation I wanted to have. I had no intention of the conversation taking that direction. A third issue of restraint is think first, speak second. The heart of the wise weighs his answer. Proverbs 15, 28. But the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. The wise man puts his words on the scale. That's the word picture. He weighs his answer. He asks himself, is this the best thing to say? Is this the best time to say it? Is this the best way to say it? And he's thinking carefully. The wicked man, in contrast, gushes evil. No careful thought, no restraint, no perception. that once words are spoken, they can never be unspoken. Proverbs 29, verse 20 says, do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him. And Solomon acknowledges the importance of careful speech with the statement in Proverbs 15, 23, A man finds joy in an apt reply. How good is a timely word. Words carefully chosen are a blessing both to the speaker and to the hearer. Second issue is your manner of communication. Pleasant words. Proverbs 16 talks about pleasant words. 16.21, the wise at heart are called discerning and pleasant words promote instruction. Pleasant words. The wisdom of heart acquired through the fear of the Lord is reflected in pleasant words. Words that are kind, words that are good. Words that are spoken with love and graciousness and courtesy. Tactful words make instruction easy to receive. Pleasant words promote instruction. And if you think about it, harsh, demanding, loud, Demeaning words do not reflect the gentle confidence of someone who delights in joyful, awe-filled fear of the Lord. If I have a big God in my vision, I don't have to be trying to muscle my kids with the force of my speech. I can speak in ways that are tactful and courteous and kind and rest in God and God's capacity to change my kids. You see, the fear of the Lord will enable me to be wise and the wise in heart are discerning. They use pleasant words that promote instruction. Verses 23 and 24 in Proverbs 16 say it this way, a wise man's heart guides his mouth and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the body. and healing to the soul. And remember, this is a wise man's heart. Always remember, we're talking about the fear of the Lord. That's where wisdom begins. If you're full of awe and reverence of God, then it's that wise man's heart guides his mouth. And he speaks in ways that promote instruction. He uses pleasant words. Because pleasant words are a honeycomb. They're sweet to the body and healing to the soul. Psalm 25, 14 says, the Lord confides in those who fear him. And he makes his covenant known to them. The wise man who has the fear of the Lord is the one that God draws into his confidence. And he's the one to whom God reveals his secrets. with pleasant words to instruct his children. Use pleasant words in your home. Now, when I teach this, I often have parents come to me and say, I tried that pleasant words, but whoever said pleasant words to promote instruction didn't live in my house. Which sounds kind of funny and cute, but it's actually a blasphemous thing to say, because it's saying God's ways and God's word don't work in my house. They might work other places, they don't work in my home. That's a wicked assessment. Pleasant words promote instruction. You know, if you could do a selfie, if you could see yourself in those moments where you're angry, red-faced, eyes bulging, yelling at your child, flecking little flecks of spit because you're speaking so vituperatively, if you could see yourself in that moment, you would see what your child is seeing. He's seeing this red-faced person with bulging eyes yelling at him and he's looking at you and he's thinking, what an idiot, what a fool. This person is certifiably insane. You're not promoting instruction. You're actually undermining instruction. Parents say to me, when I'm calm and nice, I don't get results, but when I get in their face, they listen. They're fooling themselves. You might get your child to back away at the moment Like a person will back away from someone they meet on the street who seems crazy and out of sorts. But you're not promoting instruction. You're actually undermining instruction. Pleasant words. The tongue of the wise. Proverbs 15.2 says, Commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. A parent who's berating his child is the mouth of a fool, gushing folly. By contrast, the person of wisdom speaks in a way that commends wisdom. Proverbs 11, excuse me, 10 verse 11 says it this way, the mouth of the wise is the fountain of life. but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked. Think of your words as a fountain. You want the water from that fountain to be sweet water, not water that is brackish and bitter. There's a third goal. The goal of communication is understanding. The finest art of communication is not your ability to express your ideas. It's your ability to understand the person with whom you're speaking. Proverbs. speaks of this with such poignancy, Proverbs 18.2, the fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinion. See, the fool is only concerned with being heard. He's not concerned with understanding the person with whom he speaks. I had a conversation like that one night with one of my sons. I went to him at bedtime. I said, we need to talk. I said everything I needed to say when I was done. I said, I'm glad we had this chance to talk together. I'm gonna go to bed. I left the room, prayed with him, went to bed. A few minutes later, there's a knock on our bedroom door. Dad, are you guys still awake? Yeah, come on in. What do you want? He said, I just wanted to say when you left the room, you said you were thankful we had a chance to talk together. I just wanted to point out I didn't say anything. See, I was a fool that night. I could have said everything I needed to say in the context of asking good questions. I could have drawn my son out, but instead, All I was interested in was airing my own opinion. Proverbs 18.13 says, he who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame. I read that proverb and I regret many times when my kids came to me and I didn't listen, I just said, I know what you're going to ask, the answer is no. But dad, you didn't even hear my question. I don't have to hear your question, It's not in the Bible somewhere. See, my child never walks away from the interchange feeling like, wow, I'm so lucky to have a dad who's a mind reader. He feels like I can't even get you to listen to me. You didn't even give me the courtesy of hearing what I had to say before you shouted off your response. There's a perceptive insight in Proverbs 20, verse five. Purposes of a man's heart are deep waters. and a matter of understanding draws them out. We need to be people of understanding to draw out those deep waters that are in our kids. We need to learn how to ask good questions, how to hear what's being said, how to hear what's not being said, how to follow up answers with good questions and help us to understand our teenagers and help them to understand us and not even understand themselves. You know, all the things I've talked to you about this week, are very taxing and very overwhelming. And I want to encourage you with the truth of 2 Peter chapter one that says, his divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through knowing him who called us by his own glory and goodness. And through these he's given us his very great and precious promises. So through them you might participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption of this world caused by evil desires. All the grace, the wisdom, the stamina, the strength, the courage to do everything God has called you to do as a parent is found in Christ. If you look inside, you don't have what it takes, but if you look to him, there are unending stores of grace, wisdom, and strength to do all the things that he's called you to do. May God help us to be people who look to him and find in him our strength. Let me pray with you. Father, we come to you asking that you would help us to be people who shepherd the hearts of our teenagers with wisdom, who bring the word of God to them in rich and powerful ways. We pray that you would help us to shepherd them through the inevitable periods of doubt that happened in the teenage years. We pray that you would enable us to Help them to see the importance of the fear of the Lord and adhering to parental instruction and disassociation from the wicked. And give us grace, Lord, in our communication with them to be people who communicate with restraint, to be people who delight in understanding, to be people who use pleasant words and promote instruction. Lord, we need you for all of these things because without you, we can do nothing. So we pray that you would help us and enable us that we would be able to shepherd our kids into your paths. We pray this for Christ's great glory.