All right, let's bow our heads in a word of prayer, please, then we'll begin. Heavenly Father, we ask for your guidance and wisdom, your intervention this morning as we open your word together. Recognize how hard it can be sometimes to show up ready to hear your word with an open heart. It's another reminder of our need for you, need for your grace and. Your compassion and your mercy, which are which is new every morning, and so we can rest in that can rest completely in you. Guide us, Lord, sanctify us, help us to be more like Christ, our Savior. In his name we pray. Amen. All right, go ahead and open up. Your Bibles to Ephesians chapter four. We started our message today. We're kind of doing a part two of last week's message from Ephesians 4, verses 31 and 32. It has this idea within it of putting off and then putting on. Removing those things that are characteristic of who we were in Adam apart from Christ, and then of course, actively putting on the new man. Those things that are characteristic with who we are in Christ. as a new creation. So, we really began our study in v. 25, and because this should be the last part of this little series in communication in marriage specifically, I'll read from v. 25 and I will continue to the end of the chapter in v. 32, so please follow along as I read. Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. And do not give the devil an opportunity. He who steals must steal no longer, but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment. so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. May God be blessed by the reading of His Word. Okay, so we are in a little series called Reforming Marriage Communication Rules. We're in the fifth part today, so we've been talking about the immense importance of communication in this most blessed confine of what we know as marriage. And of course, we want to protect marriage. We want our marriages to be strengthened. We want our marriages to grow. But God designed marriages in such a way that they require us communicating with one another. The man and his wife must communicate. They must talk to one another. They must be willing to work out the various joys and challenges that come their way over a lifetime of faithful commitment to one another and communicate with one another within those various events in life. And so we want to, like any other thing, as new men and new women in Christ, we want to draw our communication from the Scripture. We want to know how God communicates. We want to know with what heart, with what mind, and to what purpose the Lord communicates to us. And of course, we want to emulate those things. We want to use that as our standard and communicate in the way that God does. And so, we go to the Scriptures for that. Now, this teaching, remember, contains four basic principles of communication that we draw from Ephesians 4. The first, of course, is be honest. Be honest. Tell the truth. Secondly, looking down at our text starting from verse 25, It is to keep current. That's in verse 26. Be angry and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. And we find the benefit of that. Not giving the devil a foothold or an opportunity. That's the reason we keep current. We keep short accounts with one another. We don't let sin linger. We don't let resentment linger. Instead, we work through those issues. Having the mind of Christ toward one another. Taking every thought captive in obedience to Christ. and working through those issues. And then, of course, the third one is attacking the problem, not the person. And so we talk about, in that part of the study, how easy it is to, when there becomes an issue in the marriage, is to go after your spouse right away, rather than asking yourself, OK, what is really going on here? And yes, we do acknowledge and expose the various character flaws and the various issues of character that come up in marriage. But ultimately, we do have to talk about the behavior. We have to talk about the heart behind the behavior, but then the problem as well. And sometimes it may not even be a character problem, it may just be a problem, an issue that you are both facing that you must face together and work out. And so we find that We find an example of that in verse 28. He who steals must steal no longer. So Paul goes straight to the problem that is at hand, using theft as an example. If you're stealing, steal no longer, right? There's a call to repentance. And then of course, positively, not only is his character of this action to be put away, this character does not exist in a vacuum. Rather, you turn around and perform with your own hands what is good. You labor so that you will have something to share with one who has needs. So we understand that concept really colors the whole of Christian behavior. Christian character and behavior is not simply a matter of not sinning. It's actually performing righteous deeds. It's living in a positively godly fashion. Then he goes on to say, "...let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." So all that is covered by attack the problem, not the person. And we have the very grounds for that, that we were sealed for the day of redemption by the Holy Spirit. We recognize ourselves as members of the body of Christ and members of a Christian marriage. We are sealed. We participate in a common life together. We are both sealed by the Holy Spirit. And so as such, we do not grieve Him. We do not quench Him. And so we come to Act, don't react. And so, last Lord's Day, we covered the various ungodly forms of the way that we react toward one another, especially in marriage. And there's going to be, you notice, an ebb and flow of this in your relationships. Sometimes you will be in a particularly reactive mood. And of course, if you're not honest, and you're not keeping current, and you're constantly attacking one another, you will find that both of you are very reactive. You will find that both of you will be very defensive when it comes to your communication. Right? We've warned again and again about this concept of assuming the worst about one another whenever you enter or try to deal with conflict. This is what this breeds. You will assume the worst. And if you assume the worst about one another, you'll always assume that they are personally attacking you. And then, of course, you will be reactive toward them. And what does this breed? Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. All of these things. And so Paul says, let all these things be put away from you. Let it all be put away from you. Shed this old clothing. of who you once were. You are now in Christ. You are sealed by the Spirit of God. Now you are, as Paul has already encouraged them, and this is in verse 24. It all goes back to verse 24 where he says, put on the new self or put on the new man which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. So the bitterness and wrath and everything that follows is not that which is consistent with the likeness of God or a new creation in righteousness and holiness of the truth. Thankfully, Paul tells us what is consistent with that in verse 32. So, now that, Lord willing, we have obeyed Paul's call to put away these things, put them away daily, put them away by habit, we are now to put on something else. We return to this original thesis. Godliness is not merely the absence of ungodliness, but it is the presence of righteous thoughts, deeds, desires, intentions, and habits. So right, righteousness doesn't exist in a vacuum. Righteousness is present, it's identifiable, it is put there by God. Right, it's the same thing, pretty much the same concept behind a desire to maybe to get fit or to get buff or to lose weight or just to overall live a healthier lifestyle. This illustration plays into your spiritual life as well. So what do you do? Do you starve yourself? Do you suddenly stop eating food? Some of you do, but you really should stop doing that. because it's not a matter of starving yourself of the nutrients that you need. You don't leave your stomach empty. Rather, what do you do? You put off the sugar, you put off the garbage processed food, you put off the soy products, and you fill your stomach with nutrient-rich foods so that your body stays fit and strong and your systems are able to keep disease at bay. It works very similarly with your life in Christ. You remove those things characteristic of the old man, you take off the old clothes and you put on actively, daily, the garments of righteousness. Because that is who you are in Christ. So you're putting on that which is perfectly consistent with your new identity. Do that and do nothing else. But notice that we take off the old man, we are not left spiritually naked, we are to put on Christ, put on Him as our very clothing and our very righteousness that comes along with every grace and provision that we need, especially in marriage. And so I don't want you guys also to miss the application here, just in church life in general. We've talked a lot about how many of our relationships will come to reflect what our marriage is like. It's really hard to leave those things at home. Those characteristics that we're building and nurturing in the home and in marriage will eventually come to show up in very visible, stark fashion in our other relationships. And I think the next degree, perhaps other than with our children, is with our church family. So there is immense benefit here as it pertains to the church. So nurture these things in your marriage and nurture them in the church. And I think this is a very appropriate setting, especially with the Ephesians. The Ephesian church would face some of the most dire challenges ever referenced in the New Testament. I mean, we even read about this in the book of Acts where when Paul departs, what is he fearful of? That savage wolves are going to come in. He's going to leave and then And then wicked men are going to come in and try to dominate the church and lead them astray. You've read 1st and 2nd Timothy. Guess who Timothy is the pastor of? First Reformed Baptist Church of Ephesus, right? And they're facing all kinds of challenges. Among them, again, characteristic of what Paul was worried about, They are full of false teachers. And many of these teachers are actually elders, and they're leading the church at Ephesus astray. And so whenever this happens, there's going to be casualties. And unfortunately, there's often a lot of them. Where there is false teaching, there is going to be strife, there's going to be upheaval, there's going to be division. It's very hard to navigate the various challenges of church life without us occasionally being at one another's throats. And so our marriages often mirror that. They kind of endure their miniature Ephesus. Then you read the Lord's word to Ephesus in the book of Revelation, chapter 2. What happened? What was Ephesus' fault? They were doing a lot of things right. What was their fault? They forgot their first love. Or some understand that as they left the love they had at first. Like as if their love was rich and vibrant. Like that church was known for loving one another, and that was the casualty. After all those decades of faithfully preaching the gospel and weathering the presence of false teachers, something happened to love. Love was the casualty. And often that is what happens in marriage. Love becomes the first casualty. And so Paul's instructions are very plain. Put these things off. Put all these things off that really try to come in and unseat love and operate in the place of love for one another. Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander. Right? You're not going to put away tenderheartedness, forgiveness, and kindness, and love in Christ. You can't do any of those things and expect that nothing bad is going to happen. Sin is crouched at the door. Its desire is for you. But as God told Cain long ago, you must master it. Do not let sin master you. Do not let sin reign over you. Here are the things. Here are the things that Paul instructs us. Take off these things and put on these things. So his instruction is very plain. He simply says, be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you. So, of course, the first thing here is kindness. Now, I've preached extensively on this. There's a study, I think, that may be helpful with fleshing out more of the details. A few years ago, we did a study on the fruit of the Spirit, and we talked through all of them one at a time, and kindness was one of those. For more details, I'd point you to that. But essentially, kindness, if we want to understand all of these virtues, it's sort of like, think of love, joy, peace, kindness, all of those things. So if love is a fire, imagine love is a flame, right? Kindness would be the warmth that one gets from the fire. It's the effect, the pleasing effect that the fire or that love has. And so kindness is really the intention, the purpose of love, or one of them. When we speak of kindness, right, we try to avoid this great heresy that is going around today and afflicting men everywhere, we've covered it already, but niceness. Sometimes we speak of kindness merely as niceness, just sort of as a passive, benign, almost disinterested attitude that at best goes, well, tsk, tsk, I'm sorry you're in trouble, right? I see that you have fallen on hard times. Be well fed, be filled, be warm, right? Or God bless you. as if God had no intention of using you to bless that person. But kindness, we want to think of it as something that is benevolent, right? We think of God as benevolent. We want to understand kindness, we must start with the kindness of God. He is a God who is benevolent. He is a God who gives good things to His people. He is a God who even gives good things to wicked people who do not believe in Him. But He's good to us. He helps us. He comes to our aid. He is kind. He is a giving God. We find in this issue of kindness a kind of provision that keeps us from lacking. And think of the way that God provides His kindness to us. In a myriad of ways, God is kind. And so Paul says, be kind to one another. Emulate this kindness. I think one of my favorite passages for this comes from Titus 3. And of course, Titus begins this chapter reminding the saints of where they came from, right? And it's really consistent with the things that Paul tells the Ephesians to put away. And he says, you were once these things, but when the kindness of God and our Savior appeared, right? The kindness of God, our Savior appeared and His love for us. How did His kindness manifest itself? Well, it manifested itself in Him sending the Lord Jesus Christ to be our Savior. And following that, the gift of regeneration, right? The same passage says, He saved us. Not based on works that we have done in righteousness, but by His mercy. By the washing of regeneration, the renewal of the Holy Spirit. Now, part of kindness in the Christian life here, I think especially in marriage, is reminding ourselves of that most precious redemption that you guys share as husband and wife in a common life. You are both born again. You have both been cleansed. See, kindness begins really not just by being nice to one another or being passive to one another, but actively reminding one another of the kindness that God has lavished on you in Christ. That is, He has made you a new creation. You see, we can't save one another. We can't regenerate one another, but we can certainly point one another to the One who has done that. Think about God's kindness from the book of Psalms. talks about God as having wings, that He protects us in the shadow of His wings. If you look at Psalm 17, Psalm 36, Psalm 61, this protection that God gives us, this preservation He gives us is consistent. Think about Psalm 23. We had that in our call to worship a few weeks back. Psalm 23, talking about the Lord is our good shepherd. And what's the first thing that David says regarding the shepherd? The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. But the Lord is not going to leave me lacking. He's going to provide for all of my needs. It's the first thing David recognizes about himself with the Lord as his shepherd, is that the shepherd provides. The shepherd leads us to green pastures and still waters and restores our soul. Think about that imagery. Think about the need that you have as a Christian. Think about the need that your marriage has. Many of you are in here and you need your marriages desperately restored. You need to be restored together. And that is how God is kind to us. And so we should be kind to one another. You think about even the ministry of Jesus. The kindness that he showed went around teaching the gospel of the kingdom and yet healing the afflicted, right? Giving hope to everyone. He helped others in need. He met actual needs. That is kindness. What do you want? Lord, I want to see. It shall be done for you. That is kindness. That is the kindness of our Lord. He's kind in the sense also that He rescues us when we stray as His sheep. He goes and He seeks after us. Takes us in His arms and carries us back to the fold. I mean, the ways that God is kind are countless. You think of even His kindness in leading Israel. Leading Israel as His sheep through the wilderness. Cloud by day, fire by night, maybe a little scary, and yet therein lies the kindness of God with His constant presence and provision and protection from their enemies. And so God desires that kind of kindness from us to be kind to one another. Kindness. Talk about communication, right? This one another implies a message. A message that is being sent. A provision being made. Kindness meets that need. And I think that kind of goes back to the fact that the husband and wife are supposed to dwell with one another. We learn one another. Husbands, this prevails upon you. Remember what 1 Peter says. Dwell with your wife with knowledge. Know your wife. Know your wife so you can be kind. Know your wife so you can meet her needs. It's hard to show kindness consistently without knowledge. And so please think of how all this connects. But we want to remember that at least fundamentally, that the reason that we are kind is because God is kind to us. He meets us where we are. He meets our needs. He shows tenderness and love and benevolence to us. Withholding nothing that we need. And that's why we believe that God is good, that God is kind. And if He is, then so should we be. And this kindness, I think, is called for in a variety of New Testament passages. Paul always reminding the people, the churches, to be kind to one another. And of course, right, we understand that all these churches were facing challenges of some kind, many of which were false teachers. And when that division and strife is sown, it's very difficult to focus our minds on the fact that, hey, we still have needs, we still need one another, we still need to show goodness and benevolence and love toward one another. And so that is a consistent call from the heart of an apostle who really desires this church to grow in the Lord and to show kindness to one another. And Paul, if anyone, knew the kindness of the Lord, and so he wanted to see that reflected in the life of the church. And so here's the next one. He says, be kind to one another. We practice the one another. And then he says, tenderhearted, be kind to one another. Tender hearted. Okay, so we have that benevolence. And then we have that tender heartedness. And I think you'll find that kindness and tender heartedness really go well together. Okay, we want to be we want to show compassion. I think that's what tender heartedness speaks toward. I think literally it means to have good guts. Show good guts. The Greek word is splankna. I know we hear tender heart. We typically think of this organ right here, but no, it's more down here. The splankna. It's the guts. Be good gutted toward one another. But this definitely tells what's going on in the life of the inner man. Some of these things, you know, we can say you fake it till you make it. But this one is really hard to fake. You will have a tender heart or you will not have a tender heart. And I think the way to that is to rely upon the Lord and the working of His Spirit to cultivate within you a tender heart. And if you sense that you are not so tender toward people, well, ask the Lord for help. Because the Lord is kind and desires you to have a tender heart toward one another and toward your spouse. And we understand that going back to kindness, this can be a very difficult thing. It's hard to be tender hearted and kind to the person who hurts you. It's very easy to do this, I think, to be kind when things are going right. It's easy to do these things and show these things when your spouse is treating you well and when circumstances are favorable. So you never want to find yourself as a fair weather friend to your spouse. You want to treat them with kindness in all respects. And I think this is something that kind of strikes us as a blind spot. Sometimes we fail to acknowledge, we fail to see that in our own life and character. That often we only show kindness and tender heartedness when our respective spouses are behaving the way that we think they should. Oh, but when offense comes in. When the hurts come in. That makes it difficult. So what's the temptation? To react. To react, especially with clamor, right? To make some noise. To give loud voice to the offenses that have just been uttered or performed. It's very difficult to draw our minds to the fact that, yes, rather we are called to be tender-hearted. We are commanded to show kindness, right? Do not return evil for evil. Overcome evil, rather, with good. So even when your spouse Behaves in a wicked manner. Fails to live in a godly manner towards you. You are to overcome that evil with good. You are to overcome that evil with kindness. But it's hard to be kind if your heart is not tender toward them. It's hard to be kind if your heart is like Pharaoh's. Hardened. That was Pharaoh's issue, right? His heart was hardened. Well, what was it hardened toward? I think the most obvious thing, it was hardened toward God's Word. Moses came and preached to Him, let my people go, but He preceded that with, thus saith the Lord. Again, Moses is telling Him, this is not just me speaking, this is the Lord. This is God speaking to you. And as time went on, Pharaoh's heart hardened toward God's revelation. He didn't want to listen to it anymore. So in the same sense, we do not want to harden our hearts toward toward the Word of God as it continues to instruct us as to how we relate to our husbands or our wives. but we are to be kind. And so, what's the first thing we do? How do we soften our heart? Well, I think it's obvious. We call to mind as Christians with a new mind, we call to mind the kindness and tenderness that God has shown us. That even while we were sinners, what happened? Christ died for us. That is how God demonstrated His love toward us. Even while we were sinning. Even when we had no thought of God. Even when we had no thought of judgment or sin. Christ died for us. And so we must look to Christ ultimately. Christ and His cross and His laying down His life for us was the ultimate act of a tender-hearted God who showed us kindness. And so we are to have good guts toward our spouses. I think this reflects the compassion of God which is that characteristic that is most described of Him. in the Old Testament, you will find no other description that outnumbers God's compassion. The thing about God, it's hard to ascribe human emotion to God. But for our purposes, we understand that God is sympathetic to us. It's like in His own divine way, He feels our pain. He knows us. And I think, of course, we find that most profoundly expressed through the personal work of Jesus, right? A man of sorrows acquainted with grief, right? We have a sympathetic high priest. He was tempted in all ways as we are, yet without sin. The Lord knows, right? Of anything, the Lord knows. I think the Lord knows what it's like to go through those things more so than we do, even though our Lord was perfect. But you think about what David says. Interesting psalm right here. He says, you have taken account of my wanderings. Put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? See, he thinks of God. That's the first thing he calls his mind to. His enemies are all around him. His afflictions are many and difficult. And yet he knows. He knows that God knows. You have taken account of my wanderings. Ceaseless turmoil for David. Ceaseless sorrow. Put my tears in your bottle. And so, when you are working these things out, when you struggle to be tender-hearted toward one another, remember that God is tender-hearted toward you. And this is such a challenge in many marriages. When bitterness and clamor and malice, all these things and slander are allowed to fester and to gain a foothold, right? It starts with your foot, then it takes your heart, then it just takes your head. And it does that to your marriage. But one of the most pressing things in all of this is to call to mind that God is tenderhearted. He's tenderhearted toward us. And we're to be tenderhearted toward one another. Think of Romans 12.15. Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep. Weep especially with your spouse when they have great sorrows, right? Great upheaval of the soul. Weep with them when they weep. Be sad with them, right? I mean, think about Job's friends, right? Model friends until they started talking. But what did they do? They wept with him. They tore their clothes because they saw from afar how deep in sorrow he was. And they sat with him for days. And they didn't say anything at first because they saw how sad he was. And sometimes that is all we can do to express a tender heart. Simply weep with your spouse when they are facing great trial. And remember that God Himself understands and He is there to help you through those trials. But maintain, take care of that tender heart so you do not fall prey to bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor. See, this tenderheartedness that looks to God, this tenderheartedness finds hope in God. It does not deny His goodness in times of trouble, but reaffirms it and finds hope in God's character, finds hope even in the present, that God remains good, that God remains present and will continue to care for you. And it perseveres, this tenderheartedness does. It perseveres under trial because it reminds itself that God is still in control. And so we can be tender-hearted toward one another. We can show good guts toward one another in those moments of trial, even when you sin against one another. You can look to God for help for a continual tender heart. So be kind to one another, tender-hearted, and of course, this one fits with it very well. Talked quite a bit about forgiveness in other messages, but it's great to talk about. Forgiveness, right? If you are tender-hearted, right? The tender-hearted person, the tender-hearted husband is a forgiving husband. The tender-hearted wife is a forgiving wife. So he says be tender-hearted, forgiving each other. Just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. We think of what forgiving looks like, right? Especially relationally. On one hand, forgiveness is basically giving your right up to claim vengeance. It's the willingness to not hold a grudge or to even the score, right? Let's not get mad. Let's get even, some say. But it is to set aside that desire for vengeance. And basically to release that person from that debt. Think about forgiveness. It's the one virtue that I think sets Christians apart from non-Christians. It's that one virtue that maintains and strengthens and preserves relationships perhaps more than anything else. And I think in marriage, this is probably the one thing that sets Christian marriage and relationships apart more profoundly than any other relationship. Any other virtue. is this willingness to show forgiveness. Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things. Because when we are offended, when someone sins against us, one of the first things we call to mind is just a desire for that pound of flesh. A desire for justice, right? A desire to get even. Forgiveness is very pictorial. In the Hebrew, the word is nasah, which means to lift, carry, or take. It says that the Lord has come in and He has taken that burden away from us. He's lifted up that debt from us and He has carried it away. He's removed our sins as far as the east is from the west. There's a couple words in the Greek. There's aphesis, which means to send away, right? Almost like the scapegoat. We've talked about that. It's almost like this double picture of the atonement, right? In the Old Testament, you had the day of atonement, you had these sacrifices made, and on one hand, you'd have the animal that would atone for sin, and the high priest would put his hand upon upon that animal's head to signify the putting the sin on that animal, which would then be sacrificed. Then, of course, you had what's called the scapegoat, put the sin on the scapegoat, and then you would send it out into the wilderness, never to be seen or heard from again, most likely. But it's a beautiful picture of how God, in His grace, deals with our sins. And, of course, yes, death is involved. That's one thing that is very true. For our sins to be forgiven, death must occur. But what happens then to our sins when that atoning death takes place? Our sins are lifted. They are carried away. They are lifted off of us, but they are also sent away. That's what it is for God to forgive us. In this particular verse, you have forgiveness expressed with a different word. It's called charizomai. It should sound familiar if you guys are Greek nerds at all, but we get the word grace from it. Charis, right? Or charis. It's a New Testament word for grace, and so we have this in verbal form. Charizomai. That you are, in forgiving one another, you are gracing one another. You are giving them a gift. The same word is used when Jesus gives sight to the blind. It means to demonstrate God's grace to each other. So rather than this forgiveness being understood only as something which is lifted off and taken away, it's also understood as a gift that is bestowed. Something that is put upon you out of God's own goodness towards you. So he's saying, yes, forgive one another, but forgive one another graciously. Forgive one another from the heart, right? Willfully. reflecting the very grace of God in your own life. I mean, that's going to make the difference, friends. Grace, forgiveness will make a huge difference in your marriage. It will completely change the way you as man and wife view one another. Because when you view one another through the lens of grace and forgiveness, you can't help but look to God who gives grace and who forgives. But this is so fundamental to the Christian character. Marcus is distinct from unfaithful people who just desire vengeance. They want to hold grudges. And all the broken relationships that emerge from that. Talk about why do relationships break? Usually betrayal of some sort, but also with that, an unwillingness to forgive. An unwillingness to meet and actually work through that. Where there's no call for repentance. There's no forgiveness bestowed. There's no grace given. And yet this is what Scripture calls for. This is where Christians are to be different. And I think Christians, really, we fail in the same manner. We have to acknowledge that. That maybe our hearts are not as forgiving as they ought to be. That maybe we do harden our hearts toward one another. That maybe your marriage relationship is exhibit A for withholding forgiveness. For neglecting to show grace to each other. This is so serious. Even Jesus says in Matthew 6, for if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. Think about that in the context of a Christian marriage, or just Christianity in general. What does a lack of forgiveness say about you? An unwilling and unforgiving heart basically basically denies God's presence in your life. It's a denial that you even have a true knowledge of God. It denies that you are born again. And so we understand forgiveness takes a lot of humility. It takes abundant grace. It takes God's help so that we will forgive one another. But to forgive one another is truly to obey Paul's call, if you go back to the beginning of Ephesians 4, Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another, in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Nothing does all those things so amazingly as forgiveness. Forgiveness is exemplary Christian behavior. To be a forgiving Christian is to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which we have been called. The book of Colossians calls for forgiveness as well, and it has the same phrasing as Ephesians 4, in fact. It uses God as our example. When we talk about forgiveness, because it's a virtue that is hard to demonstrate, it is hard to master, I mean really, just go straight to God. You will not find one who forgives like God. You will not find anyone who is so committed to forgive than God. who is so able to not hold a grudge. See, that's what we should really be thinking. Does God hold a grudge against me? That's the wonder of the gospel is that in Christ, right? Because God has forgiven us in Christ. That God no longer harbors vengeance or a grudge against us. Because God's heart is tender toward us. But we have to be aware of this, especially in the confines of marriage, because in marriage, there are going to be disagreements, right? There's going to be disagreements. Those disagreements are going to bring strife. We are going to offend one another. Even, you know, we're going to offend one another and we didn't mean to. You're going to be offended by something that was never meant as an offense, or you just got too touchy and sensitive and you shouldn't have been offended by it. There's going to be this great thing, right? We're studying communication. We have things that's called a thing that's called miscommunication. Something that maybe the right thing said the wrong way, the wrong thing said the right way. The right thing said the right way, but with the wrong motive. We've talked about those. There's lots of angles of miscommunication. And those have to be solved through forgiveness. You have also misunderstandings on the other side. There's a variety of ways that a breakdown in communication and fellowship calls for forgiveness. And so we have been called, we have been charged and commanded by God to show forgiveness. And so in your marriage, what does this look like? Some of these will sound familiar to you. What does forgiveness say or what does forgiveness resolve to do? Well, here's a few things. Please write these down. I'm going to go through them quickly, so it might not matter. First of all, forgiving your spouse, forgiving anyone means that you will not obsess over the offense. You're just not going to obsess over it. You're not going to keep bringing it up in your mind again and again and again and let it fester so that you are wrathful and angry and malicious. Secondly, and this one's big, I will not use this opportunity to start digging up other perceived offenses. Oh man, bank that one. Remember that one if you remember any of these. Don't use the opportunity to start digging up other perceived offenses, right? That's what we call keeping current. Focus on or attacking the problem, not the person. Focus on the issue at hand. Don't use that offense or perceived offense to bring up a history of offenses. deal with and forgive the offense at hand. So don't use it as a catalyst to just to bring every other offense real or imagined and rub their face in it. So thirdly, when you forgive, you are saying, I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you. We've talked about this. When you do bring up the incident, you do it only in the context of how God graciously brought you through it or how or how God graciously taught you in that circumstance. But you don't use it against the person. Fourthly, when you forgive, you will not talk about the incident to others so as to bring reproach to them. I think that's a big one. We often excuse ourselves in that regard. Well, I'm just trying to learn something from this. I'm just trying to grow or how I can help the person. If you have forgiven them, that is a huge help to your relationship. That is a huge help to your spouse. If you simply forgive them. Fifthly, I will not let this incident or offense, when I forgive you, stand between us anymore or hinder our mutual love in Christ. That's a big one. That's so important. You don't want anything to hinder your mutual love and devotion to Jesus Christ. Your relationship to one another should be a visible expression of Christ's love and devotion to you. And so, of course, together, you want to serve the Lord. You want to love the Lord. And if you are unable to forgive one another, that will always be standing in your way. You will have a hard time serving the Lord diligently, consistently, and with excellence, if you are constantly harboring things against each other, and if you're constantly bringing it up. So when you forgive, you are saying to one another, we will not let this offense come between us or hinder our mutual love in Christ. So in a sense, you're reaffirming your commitment to one another to serve the Lord so that Jesus Christ remains preeminent in your marriage. Remember, as Colossians says, he is the one who is to have first place in everything. No one remembers second place. If Jesus is second place, you will not remember Him in your marriage. He must be first place, and nothing else, and nothing besides. That is what forgiveness looks like. And so finally, here are the key words I believe in this text. in terms of acting, not reacting. Just as God in Christ has forgiven you. And let me remind you while I'm on that thought. Remember, these are actions. These are not reactions. These are things we desire, keep this in mind, this tender heartedness, this kindness, this forgiveness. These are things that are already being cultivated all along. You forgive because you have cultivated a forgiving heart. You are kind because you are cultivating kindness. by faith in Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit and the wisdom of His Word. All these things are meant to be in place already so that the offense comes, you do them readily. You want your heart to be prepared for these things so that they are actions which flow from a heart that is faithfully abiding in Christ, that is looking to Him for all things. These things will come way more readily If you are already tending the gardens, the respective gardens of kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness, you don't want these to be reactions. You want them to be responses that surface when you are offended because they are already reflective of the work that God has been doing in you as you submit to Him and trust in Him. So just as God in Christ. So once again, God is our example. Just as God in Christ. That somehow, some way, God has demonstrated a very particular kind of forgiveness that has been demonstrated to us through Christ. That Christ is instrumental in this. That He is the very focal point of this forgiveness. And so the question that comes up is, How is it that God forgives us? We're talking about forgiveness of a particular quality here. How is it that God forgives us? And I would say the application here is clear. Forgive your spouse in the exact same way. First is this. You could say, God forgives us willfully or readily. We already talked about your heart being prepared to show forgiveness. God forgives us willfully, so that when you show forgiveness, don't make your forgiveness half-heartedly or begrudgingly. Forgive willfully from a heart that is tender and compassionate and kind. Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of His inheritance? He does not retain His anger forever because He delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us. He will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea." So not only is there willfulness there, there's a finality to the way that the Lord forgives sins. This comes from the prophet Micah, by the way. But what does this say here? He delights in steadfast love. The Lord likes loving you. He likes to love His people. And in that love, He does not retain His anger forever, but His love is everlasting. His love is faithful. His love is enduring. We see from God a willingness to forgive. Also, and this kind of points us back to tenderheartedness. God forgives us compassionately. Compassionate meaning the idea of suffering alongside, right? Being sympathetic. Isaiah 55, 6-7 says this, "...Seek the Lord while He may be found. Call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake His way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts. Let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon." What is the picture we have in here? Forgiveness of sins, right? Restoration to fellowship with God. That is, that He pardoned sin abundantly, right? Not partially, not begrudgingly, but abundantly. There's something about God's forgiveness and pardoning of sin that should really blow your mind. Like, really? All of that? Yes, all of that. Remember, all the promises of God in Christ are yes and amen. Including His forgiveness of sin. So don't forget that. Here's the next one. And I really think God stands alone in this regard, but He forgives us sacrificially. He forgives us sacrificially. Remember, without the shedding of blood, there can be no forgiveness of sin. So what did God do? God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to lay His life down so that we could receive forgiveness of sin. In that sense, the Lord also forgives us justly. How can God forgive sin and remain just? He can't just wink at it. He can't just put our sins away without something dying. There has to be a payment in order that forgiveness may be bestowed. And so in that sense too, He forgives us justly. Using Christ as the very grounds of that forgiveness. So He forgives us sacrificially. Listen to this verse. Hebrews 9.22, Indeed, under the law, almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sin. Everything is purified with blood. It's you and me too. We're purified by the blood of Christ. And that happened only through His sacrifice on the cross for our sins. Another one. And so I would say, how does this apply to us, sacrificially? I would say we put aside, right? We put aside our own interests, our own desires for vengeance to get even. And we forgive. We look to Christ who laid down His life for us. And so we say, if the blood of Christ was good enough for God, it's also good enough for me. Period. Forgive. He also forgives us completely. Isaiah 43, 25, I am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins. I will remember your sins no more. Meaning, I will never call them to mind. It's not as if God forgets, but He'll never call them to mind. He will never call them up as a witness against us in the divine courtroom of justice. Listen to what Colossians 2.13-14 says, And you who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our trespasses. So completely, All of our trespasses. By cancelling the record of debt. See, there's that record. That would witness against us if we remained in our sin. But he says he cancelled the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. Calling our attention once more to the connection between the crucifixion and forgiveness. Only in the blood of Christ is there forgiveness of sins. He also forgives us eternally. There's an eternal quality to it. From this, I draw 1 Peter 3.18, for Christ also died for sins once for all. Right? What's done is done. The just for the unjust so that He might bring us to God. That is what the sacrifice of Christ accomplished. He brings us to God. And in the presence of God, we receive pardon, we receive forgiveness of sins. And so, again, because we are not capable of atoning for sin because we are not capable of bringing someone or our spouse to God as Jesus did, what can we do? Well, we can still point one another to the satisfying, all-sufficient quality of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. We can still point our spouse, especially if they sin against us, to the refreshing reality and truth that those sins have already been paid for once for all. and that we can still remain together in the presence of God, that we are not cut off from His presence. And that's a big charge. That's difficult to do in the heat of the moment when you are being offended, when someone, when your spouse, that person who pledged love and fidelity to you has sinned against you, has betrayed you in some regard. And yet, especially you husbands, I always call you out. It prevails upon you to lead in this regard, to always be pointing your wife to Christ and His all-sufficient atoning death. To give you hope and to give you peace. And so that is how God has forgiven us. And so in closing in this, some concluding remarks regarding conflict and acting and reacting. Remember that conflict, that act and react are only possible if each person reacts. That's why we act instead. Remember that, my dad always used to say, it takes two to tango. And then as I got older and a little more sassy, I told my dad, well, what if I didn't want to dance, dad? You know, trying to absolve myself of responsibility. But it takes two to tango, two to argue. So, the principle is, if you don't engage, if you don't react, what happens? The argument dies. You have a wise opportunity for cooler heads to prevail, so that anger does not rule the day or the conversation. Even if one person is in the wrong, it can be worked through if you act instead of reacting. It's going to be very hard to be honest, to keep current, to attack the problem, not the person, if it's all reaction. Here's another one. This reaction may be a crippling habit, but remember, we have the Holy Spirit, right? We always have the hope of God. It can be done with God's help, right? Remember 1 Corinthians 10, 13, no temptation has overtaken you that isn't common to man, right? We all have gone through these things. We're not experiencing anything unique. But God comes to our aid, right? He helps us. He gives us a way of escape. He's not going to let us endure beyond what we are able to bear, right? But with that, He'll give us a way out. So remember that. And all these things go to the Lord. Here's the other thing. And this is a hard reality to face. But as godly as you are, you cannot change your spouse. That may come as a shock to some of you. Like, man, why is my godly attitude not having any effect on them, right? Why can't I change them? That's beyond your control. That's beyond your ability. Only God can change a heart. You can reflect the heart of God to that person, but ultimately, only God is capable of doing that. But what can you change? What can you adjust? You can change the way you respond. You can change the way that you initiate communication and a desire to resolve conflict in your marriage. So no matter how difficult the situation is, no matter how unreasonable the other person is, you may be that unreasonable person, but whoever that is, it does not give you the right to treat them with wickedness. It does not give you the right to be evil. It does not absolve you of your responsibility to act righteously. Remember, this other person, your spouse, is not your standard. The Lord Jesus Christ is your standard. The Word of God is your standard. And we live according to that Word and under the kingship and authority of Jesus Christ. Even if The rest of the world is falling down around you. Even if all are going astray, you maintain your integrity and do what is right. You look to God just as Paul instructs us. Just as God has done. That standard doesn't go away. God does not cease being God because everyone else around you is acting in an ungodly manner. So look to God for that. Go to Him for kindness, for a tender heart, and forgiveness. and look to His love in Christ as your absolute abiding standard. Be honest. Keep current. Attack the problem, not the person. And act, don't react. This comes from the command of God's Word. So with that, let's pray. Greatest Heavenly Father, we thank You again for our time in Your Word. We can invest an hour or so in combing through the finer points what it means to be kind and tenderhearted and forgiving. Lord, that we can look at each of these things and not be limited in our understanding because they are in any way unclear. They are clear. Because they have been expressed so beautifully and clearly and graciously in Christ. And Lord, we can have thankful hearts because that is what You've done for us. You've done it for Your own glory, but You've done it also for our benefit. And I pray, God, that You would help us look to You. And we understand the various challenges in communication in marriage. And we could keep talking about this because there's so many facets, there's so many dimensions, there's so many examples of the difficulties that arise in that communication part of marriage. And we want each respective husband and his wife in here to communicate in a godly fashion to recognize As new persons in Christ, we are risen to walk in the newness of life, and that includes newness of speech. That includes resurrection speech. Speech characterized by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Speech that is characterized by a love for you and a zeal for your Son to be honored in every area of life, especially our speech. A love that we have for one another in Christ. a desire to honor each other. A desire to honor each other and to pursue peace in our marriages. And we can't do that without You, Lord, and so we do recognize that even in the closing remarks that we can't change one another. Only You can change us. Only You can remove the bitterness and the clamor and the slander and the filthiness. Lord, all the things that are that resemble the old man. Only You can root that out of us. And so we pray, God, that You would. And we understand that sometimes that can be a painful thing. It can be a humbling thing. But Lord, we can look to You and praise You that You are infinitely more zealous and committed to our sanctification than even we are. And we can rest in that, Lord. So help us rest in You. And I do pray, God, again for the marriages at Emmaus Road Church that You would continue to work in them, that husbands may love their wives faithfully and valiantly, that they would truly be men of God, manly men who love You and who want to serve You and who want to love their wives well. We pray for the women in here as well, the wives, that they would be gracious and submissive to their husbands and see the value in bringing honor to the head of their home, and that every husband and wife would pursue that together for your glory, Lord, for the expansion of your kingdom. So we thank you for our marriages and commit them to you. In Jesus' precious name we pray, amen.