Alright, please bow your heads in a word of prayer with me. Father, thank You again. We are grateful for Your love for us. Your provision of Your Son Jesus, our Lord, who died on the cross for our sins, rose from the dead, and now lives ever to make intercession for us. We thank You that we have a rock, we have a Redeemer, an ever-present help in time of need, ever-present access to the throne of grace. Lord, we come before You as the body of Christ. With Him as our head. With Him as our representative. With Him as our great high priest. That we can stand before You in Christ, blameless and ready to ask for Your help. Help to understand Your Word. Help to have the wisdom to communicate in a godly fashion. Lord, we do ask for guidance, our hearts and minds together, that we may be one, we may be unified, and there be no division between us. We may understand your word, apply it carefully, and apply it fully. You may be glorified in this. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. I invite you to open your Bibles to the book of Ephesians. Book of Ephesians chapter 4, we will be continuing in our little study on biblical communication, communication rules, part 3. We've been moving a bit through Ephesians chapter 4 where we're getting our biblical wisdom from, and this is not a text that you would typically, maybe you would, but associate with communication, and yet it's from this text where we get our primary application, we get our primary lesson on what it means to communicate biblically, and as I've said before, when we talk about communication, yes, it is of utmost importance when it comes between a husband and a wife, but also you'll find that these tools that scripture equips us with are sufficient to the task of simply being Christians with one another. The way we talk to one another matters. The way we communicate with one another matters. The way we communicate about one another matters immensely. So it's not as if these principles stay contained in the home. They grow, they are cultivated in the home, but they can be used anywhere. They are universal in their scope. You will find that in life, You will not experience friction only in your household. You will not experience lapses or challenges in communication only with your spouse. You will experience those same things in your various other relationships with friends and co-workers and bosses. And of course, what we want to do is use communication in a godly way, in a Christ-like fashion, gleaning wisdom from Scripture, to even put into practice what it is that Colossians says. Remember, Colossians reminds us that our speech is always to be with grace, seasoned with salt, so that we are able, so that we know how to answer anyone in any setting, right? We want to know how to answer each person. And so scripture is sufficient to that task. And so I think that each of these that we have gone through, and there's four in total, we're handling them one per Lord's Day, each of them are, I think, easily relatable, but I think this one may be the most identifiable. When we really think about the way we talk to one another, this may be the one that we can point out the easiest if we are thinking about it at the time. and when we're reviewing the way that we communicate with one another. So without further ado, let's get into the text today. Let's start Ephesians 4, beginning with verse 25, and I will read through verse 30, so please follow along. Therefore, laying aside falsehoods, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. He who steals must steal no longer, but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." So once again, the context involves both the Christian's walk, the walk of the Christian together, right? Walk in community, not in isolation, but it also involves to the end of unity in the Spirit. Unity that is in the Holy Spirit, whom God has sent to dwell in his people. And so that's sort of the launch pad when it comes to communication. It's important that we have a good grasp of the fuller context. But this communication we have with one another in order to simply talk to one another and to solve problems, conflict resolution, and ultimately to advance the kingdom of God and bring glory to his son, we need to know how to talk. We need to know how to communicate. And so, The first part, if you remember, the first principle of communication is be honest. And we think, well, obviously, right? That's the first thing. Nothing happens without truth. If the truth is not told, the other three points do not matter in the least. We are not going to build unity in the spirit based on lies. We're not going to be able to build the kingdom of God if we can't tell one another the truth. Because the kingdom of God is a kingdom of truth. And so we must be honest with one another. And of course, the challenges are obvious, right? It is hard to tell the truth because we find that the truth can sting, the truth hurts, but the truth also builds. And so it's a challenge for both the one who is sending the message and the one who is receiving. We not only have to have courage to tell the truth, but on the receiving end, we have to have humility to receive it. That may be the most difficult part in all of this. And yet, that's our starting point, that's our platform. Christians should be obsessed with the truth. Obsessed with speaking the truth in love. We do not lie to one another. That's part of what we did apart from Christ. That's characteristic of the old man who has been crucified with Christ. and who is no longer dominated by sin. That man has gone away, that man has been put away, that man is dead. We are now new persons in Christ, and we do the things that are fitting of being new people, of being the beneficiaries of resurrection life. And so, one of the most clear, obvious points of participation in the life of God and unity in the Holy Spirit is simply that we tell the truth. We tell it like it is. And of course, we're not called to brutalize one another. We are called to speak the truth in love. And you'll find that this theme will be repeated in all of these messages that I give on communication. There is always a purpose to communicate. There is always a purpose to telling the truth. And we don't tell the truth to bludgeon people or to wound people beyond remedy. We tell the truth for a particular purpose. We tell the truth so that we will grow. We tell the truth so that we will repent from any known sin. That we will avoid error. We tell the truth so that we are united in the truth. We tell the truth because God is glorified in the truth because He is a God of truth. So we are called to be honest. We lay aside falsehood. We remove falsehood with every other form of ungodliness. That is what the Christian does. Secondly, and this is in keeping with the truth, is that we are to keep current, right? We had the garbage illustration from last Lord's Day. We keep current, meaning that we deal with things that are currently happening. We don't worry about the past. We don't worry about the future. If you don't keep current, you're going to worry about both of those things. You're going to be obsessed with the past. You're never going to be able to move on from from offenses, real or imagined, you're always going to be dwelling on the past. You're always going to be rubbing your spouse's face in it, as well as fellow Christians. And of course, it's going to completely sabotage your relationship and your ability to unite with others in the pursuit of the advancement of the kingdom of God. You must keep current. And if you're not current, you're always going to be fearful of the future. Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has a host of its own trouble. Deal with what is. Keep current. Take out the garbage on the daily if you must. That means confession of sin. That means repentance from sin. And that means forgiveness of sin. And of course, perseverance and righteousness. So keep current. And of course, that comes from, be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. So today, we come to rule number three of communication rules, and that is this, so write this down, okay? Be honest, keep current, and thirdly, attack the problem, not the person. I'll explain in depth what I mean by that, but that's the third one. Attack the problem, not the person. And even in verse 28, Paul gives us his own remedy. We have in view a person who is a thief. And he says this, he who steals must steal no longer, but rather he must labor performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. So he's calling up a very fitting example. And it is in keeping with the person who is no longer what they once were apart from Christ. They are in Christ, they are a new creation. So he's saying, in view of that, he who steals, right? We have a thief in view. So does he continue to harp on the thief? Speaking only of the person who steals and not actually dealing with what they're doing or introducing a remedy to their problem, to their issue of theft. He deals with it. And he calls for repentance, because that's what it means to attack the problem. He says, he who steals must steal no longer, so repent from your theft. But then he says this, it doesn't end there, right? When we talk about the remedy for sin, it's not just, it's not just stop sinning, it's positively now do what is righteous, do what is right in God's eyes. So he says, as opposed to theft, He must labor. That is, he must get a job. He must work hard, performing with his own hands what is good. Right? Don't leave your labor up to someone else. Don't be a sponge on society. That in and of itself is a form of theft. You must labor with your own hands, rather than sponging off the labor of someone else. This is very clear. Performing with his own hands what is good, not with what is unrighteous. But what is good. What is consistent with God's character. So that, and then there's a purpose. So that he will have something to share with one who is in need. So I think Paul exceeds many of our expectations. It's not just quit sponging, work with your own hands, do something profitable, do something beneficial, right? Work, labor, we were built, men especially, I'm talking to you, we were built for labor, right? We were built for dominion. And we take dominion through our work. And we think, okay, I've got a job I'm providing for myself. But Paul goes beyond that. We work not only so we can provide for ourselves and not steal through sponging off of another person's labor, but we are to work in such a way so that we are able to share with the one who has need. Your hard work is meant to prepare you for a life of benevolence. a life of generosity, not selfishness. There will be many times in your life, many opportunities, I will say, where you have the ability to be generous. You have the ability to provide for someone who has need. Now we can do that as a church, corporately through our benevolence fund for our members, or you can do that as an individual. See, we have two ways of being generous. But that's the purpose of work. Wealth was never meant to stay contained. We build wealth so that we may be generous to others. And so in that sense, Paul is able to bring a quick remedy to the problem, but he doesn't continue to harp on the person who steals. He calls for repentance. He calls for a change of mind, a change of action. And of course, there is a distinctive purpose involved. I would say a kingdom purpose involved where he is able to be generous. And that is the high call of the Christian. And so we get into the actual meat of the passage. So look at verse 29. So that's his example, but here's another one too. It's not just generosity, but in verse 29, he says, let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment. So here we come to the more relational aspect of this, the communication aspect. And once again, unsurprisingly, we are dealing with our words. And just as we are supposed to put off other forms of unrighteousness, we are called here to put this off. To put off a personal attack on another person. Now, I want to be clear here. this does when we say do not attack the person and attack the problem it does not mean that we do not go and confront someone for known sin right we don't deal with speculation we we go graciously we go we go with a caring heart We go with a loving heart, concerned about their spiritual well-being. I think the first thing we do is we ask questions. We don't assume the truth. We don't speak to a matter without getting clarity on the matter first. It doesn't mean that we never confront the person. It doesn't mean that we do not expose particular character flaws or unbiblical behavior. Those things have to be exposed. But the issue when you attack a person is when you offer them no remedy. You offer them no biblical remedy for their sinful actions or their sinful motives. And so we are to put off that spirit of simply going and attacking them personally. And Paul phrases it this way. Let no unwholesome word proceed from their mouth. How do we typically attack people? We attack people using words. That is probably the most widespread human weapon. Whether Christian or non-Christian, we use our words to attack people. That is our first weapon. And he says, don't let this happen. Put this off. Let no unwholesome words from the Greek, I believe, sapros, which means, which speaks to something that is corrupt or foul or rotten. So no rotten talk. You think of old, smelly, mold-ridden food, fruits or vegetables or meat, something that produces a stench, something that becomes more obvious over time, the more of it that rot is allowed to spread. And so this is completely inconsistent with the character of those who share in the resurrection life that the Spirit bestows on us. It's completely inconsistent with the newness of life that we are to walk in. And this, of course, can come in a variety of forms, especially when it deals with our communication with one another. I mean, it can come in the form of jokes. It can come in the form of vulgar speech. It can come in the form of simply unrestrained anger towards someone. If we are just raging and we are not exemplifying self-control that the Holy Spirit produces within us. It can be in the form of a perverse story. can come in a variety of ways. We want to be careful that we don't strictly eliminate things like strong speech. We've talked about that once before. Sometimes, even as a last resort, we must speak very strongly to one another. and not get lost in the confusion of, oh, did you hear what he said? He cussed, or he said he used colorful language. But if he's trying to get your attention, there are times and places for very strong language to rouse you from your slumber so that you don't die. So there's a purpose to that. But Paul does warn about this. No unwholesome speech. So I think we can understand that broadly, and this takes wisdom in its application. Remember that. If it truly means something which corrupts or fouls or rots, then don't say anything that does that. Don't say anything that brings rot or spreads the rot in a person's life or in your relationship. We can think of these things too broadly as that which brings no benefit to the hearer. So just like the thief who is to repent from his theft and to then work so he can be generous, the person who is to put away unwholesome words is to turn around and speak only such a word as is good for edification. So this is not a call to silence. You know, if you can't say something good, don't say anything at all. No, just say something good. Say something good. Say something edifying. Say something that builds up. So let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth. I think another thing is when we talk about benefit, don't say anything that is thoughtless. Don't say things that are flippant. I mean, trying to categorize this when we say no unwholesome words, I think that's the first thing we can understand is simply words that cut down the other person. And often this comes from a very cruel motive. We've talked about the levels of speech, substance, style, spirit, what you say, how you say it, and then, of course, why you say it. And this is very strongly incorporated in this unwholesome talk. I think substantively, right, there are things that bring rot. Typically, when we say these things, we say them in an unkind, ungracious manner, using sharp language or sharp tones. And typically, There is a motivation within that we are not coming to this person in order to help them walk with God, in order to bring repentance. Rather, it is to simply vent our frustration at them, or I would say to honor ourselves by in some ways pointing out that, well, I don't do such a thing. Why do you do this thing? Why are you like this? And of course, fail to offer any kind of remedy. It's treating them dismissively. It's treating them flippantly. Sometimes it's like you're making sport of them rather than offering any kind of restorative or sanctifying solution. Now, think of how damaging that can be to your marriage if you act this way to one another. And it's something that I'm hoping to get to later. And this is something that this is a principle I always bring up when a husband and wife are in the thick of it. We have these general principles. But when you're actually working through a situation, there is sort of this list of, remember to do this. And number three on this list is actually view them in light of the gospel. View your spouse in light of the gospel. Acknowledge Christ's redemptive work. Acknowledge the Spirit's sanctifying presence. Don't treat them dismissively. You can probably expand on that at a later time. But this is what it means to speak to one another unwholesomely. You're simply just cutting them down. You're simply just laying into them. We saw an example of that in this morning's Scripture reading. In Matthew chapter 5, we read about the person who calls their brother empty-headed or calls their brother a fool. And I think Jesus warns us very clearly about that in the Sermon on the Mount. We may think of that as something that is next to meaningless, right? Oh, I said a careless word, but it really doesn't matter that much. But listen to what He says. I say to you, verse 22, but I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court. And whoever says to his brother, you good for nothing. Think, wow, that's kind of, you know, What is that? Doesn't seem to be that bad. You good for nothing shall be guilty before the Supreme Court. And whoever says you fool shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell. There is a particular attitude behind this kind of name calling. That is why Jesus says what he says in verse 23. Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar and there, remember that your brother has something against you, right? So he clarifies the strain that is already on this relationship. So there is a particular heart behind these words that are being used to designate your brother. See, it's not just what is being said, it is the heart behind it. Why are you calling your brother these things? Why are you calling him a fool? Why are you calling him a good-for-nothing and a host of other options? This is a person who is sinfully angry with his brother. And yes, we are to call a spade a spade. If someone is acting like a fool, we say, you are acting like a fool. Or you are playing the fool. Sometimes we say that to our kids when they are playing the fool. And we tell them to repent. But we have to be just as careful concerning our attitude toward one another, especially your spouse, when you are talking to them, and be sure to use that which is wholesome, that which edifies. Think, too, like you think something, an edifice, right? A building, something that something that we are constructing, something that we are building up over time. And don't tear that down. And I think behind this as well is this laying into a person, tearing them down, ripping them apart, or saying that which, as one man says, hinders spiritual growth. We can say things in such a way that we can cause people to second guess their reliance on the Holy Spirit. To second guess their faith. To second guess their position in Christ. It is not up to us to do that. It is up to us to speak to them the truth. Going back to To James, I think this passage is so appropriate to our time and the way we regard one another. But starting at verse 5, please pay attention. He says, so also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire. And the tongue is a fire. The very world of iniquity, the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body and sets on fire the course of our life and is set on fire by hell. For every species of beasts and birds and reptiles and creatures of the sea is tamed and has been tamed by the human race." We can tame animals, but we can't even tame ourselves because we just can't keep from saying ungodly things. No one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. Listen to this. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who have been made in the likeness of God. And think of it this way. It's not just cursing men. I don't want you to think of it in the sense of you look at your brother and you say, damn you. It's more than just that. It's tearing him down ruthlessly, ungraciously, and in some instances, purposefully. And yet you come here this morning and you praise God. You praise God and then you curse His image bearers, which makes absolutely no sense. Completely contrary to Christian speech. From the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. I love his diagnosis and I love his solution. Brothers, it shouldn't be this way. And then he goes on. Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water? Can a fig tree, my brethren, produce olives or a vine produce figs? No. Nor can salt water produce fresh. So that's a lesson for all of us. I think we've all been down that road at one point or another where we simply are careless with our speech, we're careless with the way we say things, we're careless about who we talk about and what we're saying. I mean, there is something like, and it happens every once in a while, and brothers and sisters, we have to be aware of it. Few things grieve me more as a pastor, as your pastor, and as your brother in Christ, then when I hear you voluntarily say certain things about your brothers and sisters in Christ that is completely careless, that is completely ungracious, and it's like you have forgotten for the time being that you are one in the body of Christ with them. And you are putting that on display. That breaks my heart when that happens. When you act like your brother in Christ, who you show up with on the Lord's Day and worship the living God together, and you act like they are completely out of the reach of grace. And all I will say is what James says, these things ought not to be. We should speak well of one another. We should speak in truth concerning one another. But our speech should always be seasoned with the hope of the gospel. Our speech should always be seasoned with the hope of sanctification and growth. Think of that when we speak about one another next time. I mean, typically it's in the context of speaking to one another. It's like the apostles assume that we actually have the spine to go and talk to one another about these things. But we have, in a sense, denigrated ourselves. We just talk about each other. That's cowardly. We should be willing to talk to one another. I mean, think about it once again, returning to the context of not only the church, but marriage. You go and you just rip on your spouse carelessly, without any thought of the work that God is doing in their lives, you are sowing the seeds of destruction of your marriage. Now, it's okay to go to someone else and explain the situation and get counsel, but you're not merely venting. You're getting counsel so that you can build up your marriage. You are getting wisdom so that you know how to respond to your spouse when conflict inevitably enters the relationship. You don't go and merely vent just to get a sympathetic ear. There always should be a redemptive effort and solution behind getting counsel. Otherwise, the tongue will only ever be a fire. You will only ever be looking for a way to blame. That's what it means also to attack the person. You're always looking for some evil to dig up and throw in their face. Listen to Proverbs 16.27. An ungodly man digs up evil. And it is on his lips like a burning fire. See, he's digging, and once he finds something, he has to go and talk about it. You know, he's digging, he's looking down. He's looking down to the earth, he's not looking up to heaven for wisdom, for counsel from God and His Word. And it's amazing how efficiently this can happen. You think of forests, James' illustration. You think of the forest and how long it takes for those trees to grow. And then you just light a match one day, or you leave your campfire burning. And then the whole forest goes up in flames. I mean, on a smaller scale, me and some of the dudes from church, we were able to go and build a fence last week. It was 195 feet in length. And I had to go and pick up some supplies. And when I come back, the demo's already done. I think the demo took less than an hour to knock down 195 feet of wooden fence. It took us about 24 hours, working hours, to build that fence. So you see how just in life, things can be damaged way more efficiently, way more easily than they can take to actually build up. There is a craft, there is a care, there is a labor of love involved when it comes to building relationships and communication. And when you don't think about the care involved and you decide to be flippant with your speech, whether it's talking to your spouse or about your spouse, to your brother in Christ or about your brother in Christ, we tend to put aside that love and care for that person and we just speak flippantly and carelessly and cruelly about them. That is attacking the person. That's going to hinder growth and joy in your marriage. Once again, if we were honest with each other about this, We've become almost artisans at this kind of behavior. Just like lying. You get used to lying very easily. It's sort of like a master craft. The same can happen with the use of speech. We get used to just thrashing people. We get used to throwing them under the bus. We get used to taking cheap shots concerning them. Do this. Think of the image of of Sauron's mace, right? Shows up on the front lines against the elves and men, their great alliance. He takes out his mace and he just starts swinging that thing and bodies are flying everywhere. That's how we use words sometimes. We use words and people get hurt. We're just thrashing people wholesale. Another way is like the surgeon. See, there's this sort of this combination here. Both are destructive. We're like Sauron's mace or we're like surgeons, where we dissect the person like that ungodly man who digs. We dissect the person down to the finest detail, hoping we find something offensive, right? Hoping we find trouble, hoping that we find something that we can just expose and criticize. And like a surgeon, we cut open someone and all we see is cancer. All we see is death. And yet, rather than try to find a healing remedy, we decide to tell every person about this. Yo, hey, this person has cancer. They're terminal. They're stage four. There's no hope for them. That's what we do with our words to one another. The same thing. Rather than looking for signs of life, divine activity, the power of the Holy Spirit, the Word of God at work. Why, as Christians, are we not inclined that direction and instead we're just looking for something ungodly? It's so tragic and it's so troubling. It certainly brings conviction to me. I hope it brings conviction to you. You know, many of us talk about others not even aware of the effect that our words may have on the opinion that that person has toward the person we're complaining about. It's like we're, you know, one idle word, one misplaced description. We can turn others against that person, spread distrust, sow discord, which is something that God hates according to Proverbs. Listening or reading one sermon from one gentleman He asked the question, how would you respond if we played a recording of all your communication in the past two weeks? That's a good gut check right there. Think, you know, not only how we talk about one another, but how we address the Lord. I mean, think about how much complaining do we actually do? That'd be an interesting one. How much complaining, how much whining do we actually do to our spouse? In front of our spouse rather than rather than being thankful, rather than finding examples of how the Lord is at work in our lives. I bet it would be very sad. It would be very shocking for some of us to be able to turn back the record player a little bit and listen to the things we say. Very revealing. So those words that tear down, there's also the example of words that muddle the situation, words that blur the situation or actually tries to skirt the conflict. Again, this is the coward's way out. The man of God is able to address the conflict head on and has the wisdom to apply a biblical solution which brings peace and grace to the situation. And that's exactly what we're called to do. Turn back, if you're not there already, turn back to Ephesians. where he says, which is good for edification according to the need of the moment so that it will give grace to those who hear. So look, that's where the wisdom comes in. Edification according to the need of the moment. It's hard to understand what the need of the moment is if you don't spend any time listening or you don't spend any time acquainting yourself with the needs of your spouse. You're too busy talking. You're too busy complaining. And that man is not a wise man. The wise man is able to speak what is good for edification according to the need of the moment. And he is able to speak truthfully so that, once again the purpose statement, so that it will give grace to those who hear. The thief steals no longer, he works so he can be generous. The person who was speaking unwholesomely is to put that off, as characteristic of His life apart from Christ, and to speak edifying speech so that grace will be given to all who hear." What is the purpose of speech? It is to bring grace to bear. It is to bring the unmerited, undeserved love and kindness of God to bear upon fellow members of the body of Christ. And as it pertains to unbelievers, the purpose is to lead them to the Lord, to show them the grace that is present in your life, to lead by example. But back to the point here. These unwholesome words, they blur, they bypass the conflict, they blame shift. They're always seeking to put the onus on other people, and they never deal with What is going on in their own life? And of course, that destroys unity in the body. I think one of the big things we need to pay attention to as well is this effect here. Take a look at verse 30. Do not grieve the Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Think about that. That the words you say grieve the Spirit of God. And I think everything that Paul is warning about here are things that can grieve the Spirit of God. When you talk about the corruption, verse 22, the lusts of deceit, when we talk about falsehood in verse 25, sinning in an angry manner in verse 26, giving the devil a foothold, Theft. All of those things grieve the Spirit of God. And Paul says, do not do this. He says rather, bring to the hearers. Bringing grace to bear honors the Spirit. It gives attention to the Spirit. I would say it brings joy in the Spirit. And so what does this look like, conversely? We understand what it means for an unwholesome word to proceed from our mouth. We understand what that looks like. We understand the disastrous effects of it. But speaking grace to one another. See, here's where we come to Paul's point. Here's where we come to a solution. That is what grace-centered speech focuses on. It doesn't just attack the person. It identifies solutions from Scripture. Yeah, it calls for repentance. Yes, it calls for people to take personal responsibility for their own words and actions and desires. But it points them to, first of all, it points them to the cross, right? It points them to Christ's work on the cross and His death and resurrection. That's always our starting point. But there is a solution to this sin. There is an answer. There is grace that is ready to be applied. That's what it means to bring grace as opposed to unwholesome talk. That's what it means to speak edifying words as opposed to rotten speech. Of course, we're not trying to create moralists in this, right? We're not trying to create moralists by simply saying, now you watch what you say. We care as much about why a person says something, right? The heart of the matter. We care about the power of the Holy Spirit coming to bear and speaking edifying words. You know, we think about, you know, why you do something, right? Why you do a good deed. It's not more important than the motivation behind it. Same thing with what we say. Why we say something, how we say something is every bit as important. And what is the motive behind this? Well, we desire them to mature in Christ. We desire them to walk with God. Think about Romans chapter 14 in the context of Christian liberty. He says this, For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Those are all the things that we ought to desire for one another when we attack the problem and not the person. That's at the forefront. That's our motivation. That's our desire. We want righteousness and peace and joy, right? Not the righteousness and peace and joy of man to come to bear, but the righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. That is that which God brings into that person's life. That which, what God brings into that relationship. We don't want a counterfeit or temporary righteousness, peace, and joy. We want that which is permanent and grows in spite of conflict. And so we watch what we say. Listen to Psalm 141.3. Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth. Keep watch over the door of my lips. Isn't that a great visual? That your mouth acts as a door. Sometimes we need to shut it, lock it, and throw away the key until we have the wisdom to speak the truth and love to one another. And so we attack the problem. Here's another thing with attacking the problem. It's to discuss the problem in a God-honoring way and to find the actual solution that results in their growth in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. It's another way of looking at it. That's what it means to attack the problem. So here's what this looks like. So I'm going to give you a short practical list of this. So write these down. What does it look like on a biblical and practical level to attack the problem? Here's the first one. First, before you say anything, check your heart. What is the prayer of the psalmist in Psalm 139, right? He tells the Lord to examine him, to search his heart, to see if there is any wicked way within him, and then to lead him in the way everlasting. Check your own heart. Make sure that you are growing in this particular area. Make sure your motives are pure. Make sure you desire love and goodness for the person that you have to go and confront. Make sure that your speech and your heart, make sure your heart is not full of corruption and filthiness, because out of that which fills the heart, the mouth speaks, Jesus says in Matthew chapter 12. That includes your motive. What are you trying to accomplish? Another way of understanding this is, what do you want from this person? Do you want them to change because their behavior bothers you or annoys you? Or do you want repentance to come to bear for their good and for God's glory? Once again, this marriage is not contained. It's not about you. You are dealing with What is popularly known as your other half, usually your better half. What do you want for them? Right? Sometimes we're so busy wondering or demanding what we want from the person, we never stop to think what we want for them. This is where we check our hearts. What do you want for this person? Stop asking what you want from them. What do you want for them? Because if your heart's not right, your words won't be right. So check your heart. And here's what's connected with that. Check yourself. As we say, check yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. So this is in keeping with Christ's counsel in Matthew chapter 7, right? He says, why do you stare at the speck in your brother's eye? Which, by the way, a speck in your eye would be extremely uncomfortable. But then there's a log in your own eye. There's this little speck of sawdust and you got this two by four sticking out of your eyeball, right? So check yourself. So you can see clearly what their issue actually is. Rather than being blinded by your own hypocrisy, you will find it is very difficult to give counsel to a person, especially your spouse, if they view you as a condescending hypocrite, who can't even take their own advice. So check yourself. Make sure you are a person who exhibits self-control, you are living life, koram deo, before the Lord. You know that He examines your thoughts and intentions and actions. Ask yourself what example you are setting. Remember, this is especially for you husbands. Remember, as head of your wife, you are always preaching Jesus in some fashion. You are always saying something about Jesus Christ in your marriage, especially when it comes to conflict resolution. Think about how would you want the person to talk to you? Do unto others as you would have them do to you. You may think, man, this person really needs a ribbing. And so you throw grace out the window. But remember, you would desire grace, even in your most desperate moment, even in your most flagrant sins, you would want grace because you're a Christian. It's your nature to desire grace. So if you desire grace so much, then be willing to give it in proportion to your desire for it. So don't go and just bulldoze the person. Be a person. Be a husband. Be a man who is able to come to the assistance of his wife with all the wisdom and grace. You don't deserve grace. They don't deserve grace. You both don't deserve grace. So what does that mean? Give grace. Give grace. Let this be an opportunity to bring that grace to bear. They are going to hear what you have to say, so make sure the grace of God is made clear. That you are doing this, not for your own sake merely, but ultimately for God's sake, and then for their sake. So check your heart, check yourself, and thirdly, this is most important, check your Bible, right? The Bible is your final authority. Do not rely on your feelings, your emotions, your experiences, your education, your personal effort. Rely on the revealed Word of God. Check your Bible. Don't misdiagnose, but especially don't mistreat what is going on. What does this mean practically? When you're dealing with communication and conflict resolution, when I say check your Bible, all I mean is call the thing the same thing that God calls the thing. Call it what God calls it. And then you have biblical remedies that you can search for, focus on, and then apply practically. Remember, of course, my wife, Katie, was an educator for many years, still is in some capacity. But I'm going to get in trouble with some educators here. But one word, one diagnosis, I guess, that that came up one day and I was like, I didn't even know this was a thing. It's called ODD. It's found in students and it means oppositional defiant disorder. And I'm thinking like, what in the world? Oppositional defiant disorder. Like this is an actual thing. But it's like, again, all sin brings disorder and dysfunction. But the thing is, what if it's just rebellion? What if you're a kid, what if you're a spoiled brat, you hate authority, you hate God, and you just want to disobey? What if it's really not oppositional defiant disorder? Maybe you just hate authority. Maybe you just want to do your own thing. And maybe you look for ways to do that. You know, what we all are apart from Christ, we're just rotten, rebellious sinners. And if we don't diagnose it properly, we're going to treat it improperly. And the point here is to not use terms to cover up or avoid looking into what may be a serious problem of the heart. Here's another one. Kleptomaniac. Like this is an actual disorder, an impulse control disorder that is characterized by recurrent irresistible urge to steal. You know what the Bible calls that? You're a thief! You're taking what's not yours, and it says, repent, believe the gospel, and then Paul gives us the remedy. Stop being lazy, stop stealing, work hard, and be generous. I mean, wasn't that an amazing solution? But some of us have this mindset of, nope, nope, it's all got to be clinical, right? It's not theological, right? It's not a sin issue. It's something else's fault. So I'm not going to take any responsibility for my actions. Kleptomaniac, my eye, you know? Yeah, but here's the thing with sin. It does become obsessive after a while. You start cursing one day, you don't have self-control, you're going to be a potty mouth. You're going to be cursing all the time. Same with stealing. You start stealing, it goes unchecked. You get away with it. You love the fact you got away with it and you benefit from it. You're going to keep stealing. That's the thing about sin. It enslaves you. It enslaves your thoughts. It enslaves your actions. But it's still your responsibility. And the gospel is clear. Repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. And here's the big one. It's a clump of cells. It's a clump of cells. Okay. So let's tear it to pieces and evacuate it from the world. See, this is a big problem, friend. A big problem. No, it's a baby. It's a human being with its own DNA. Let's call the baby what the baby is and not use a term to mask the wickedness of sin. That's why, man, I think Christians are just missing out on this enormous opportunity that we have a corner in the market of truth. And then we talk like unbelievers, unveiled, unclear terms, terms that don't accurately diagnose the problem. And that's a problem. We have to call things what they are. And our source for that, right, our worldview comes from the scriptures. We're not going to know what to call things if we don't have a standard of what things are called by. And if you don't start at Scripture, then you shouldn't even care. Scripture helps us to accurately diagnose what's going on, but it also gives us every motivation to care about that person. You throw those out the window, it's dog-eat-dog. Who cares? There's no grounds for caring about anything. Just do what you want, eat and drink, for tomorrow we die. But in all these things, we want God to be glorified, by that. That's what we want. We have to ask her. So there's there's a fourth one. So it's not three. Here's a fourth one. Check your maker. Do you desire for God to be glorified in the way that this issue was handled? Is that your heart's desire? First Corinthians 1031, whether then you eat or drink or whatever you do do all to the glory of God. I mean, think about it. God is glorified in Christ reconciling work on the cross. Is he not? So it follows that he should be glorified when a man and his wife, or any other Christian relationship, is reconciled through truth and love and goodness. We want God to be glorified. Do you want God to be glorified when you enter into that conversation, which you know may be volatile, which you know may be split up into separate different conversations, but is your ultimate aim that God is honored through the pursuit of peace and growth in your marriage? That's what I would hope from all of us. Fifthly, check your future. That is, we have to give an account of the judgment seat of Christ for the things that we say. 2 Corinthians 5.10 says this, We must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body according to what he has done, whether good or bad. Is speech, is talking something that you do, whether good or bad? Absolutely. We will be called to account for every idle word we have spoken. That by itself scares me. We think about, man, some of the things we have said, some of the things we have said with lack of self-control, in the interest of tearing down the other person, just careless speech. One day we're going to have to give an account for that. And yet the praiseworthy thing I find in that is that even Christ died for those sins, so we can receive forgiveness from them. But that is not to be detached from repentance, from speech that is characteristic of the new man in Christ. And so we check all of those things. That is what it means to speak an edifying word. That's what it means to bring grace to those who hear according to the need of the moment. And then this final warning where he says, do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God coming full circle. I think, why would he say this here? Why would he say this thing? And I think it's because when we, in terms of application, and I'll try to keep this brief, But think about Paul's explanation of what the Holy Spirit has done in the book of Ephesians. If you turn to chapter 1, he says something very interesting. So in verse 30 he says, "...by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." And you go back to chapter 1. He says, in him, verse 13, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation, having also believed, you were sealed in him with the spirit of promise. Now, keep in mind, Paul is not merely addressing the individual Christian. He's addressing the church in Ephesus. You were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory." And that's just, I mean, that is really the end of this really wonderful, praiseworthy description that Paul gives of God's election of His own people and what He did in Christ for us to secure our redemption. It ends with this sealing of the Holy Spirit. And when we treat each other in such a way, we grieve the Spirit of God, because when we speak unwholesomely toward one another, or about one another, what we are doing is denying the Holy Spirit's work. Think about that. When you treat your spouse like they're a hopeless case, you are effectively denying the Holy Spirit's work. You are witnessing, think of it this way, you are witnessing against God and what He has witnessed concerning your spouse. I mean, what's the one thing worse than that? Probably blasphemy of the Holy Spirit when you are attributing the work of the Holy Spirit to the work of Satan himself. But under that is when you're refusing to acknowledge the Holy Spirit's redemptive work in your spouse's life. That sealing work. Think of all that sealing gives. It's a mark of redemption. It's a guarantee. It's a lock on salvation. And you are effectively denying that. And so you are grieving the Holy Spirit. And that was something even Israel did in the Old Testament. They grieved the Spirit of God. They grieved the angel of the Lord who was with them. They continually grieved Him. And where did that grief come from? They grieved the Spirit of God, I would say, historically, primarily by denying His devotion to them. They continually denied God's saving work, His presence, His continual activity and guidance. They were basically calling God not holy. And it grieved the Holy Spirit. So when you deny the work that God is doing in this person's life, by showing love and patience, being an ambassador of peace in your own relationship, you are grieving. Some would understand this as distressing or quenching the Spirit of God. You are denying the work that He is cultivating in that person's life. And I would just simply say the same thing that James says. This thing ought not to be. That is attacking the person. And in a way, by attacking the person, you're attacking God Himself. Because you are giving a witness that is contrary to His work and presence and activity in their life. And so I think this calls for swift repentance. Swift confession. A turning of the other way and treating them as a fellow member of the body of Christ. And we act contrary to that when we use unwholesome words and we don't speak that which is edifying, and we speak that which does not give grace, do not want to grieve the Holy Spirit of God. Don't want to bring His discipline in that way. But, you know, that's what it means to attack the problem, not the person. We have plenty to move forward from here on. But I want you guys, you know, a lot has been said today, and I really want you to to think about these things. How you talk to your spouse. How you talk to fellow Christians. Apply this any way you can. But it's so key that in ambassadors of the Gospel, how we treat one another and how we speak to one another, that we do not tear down, but we build up. That we give grace in all wisdom and goodness according to the need of the moment. And so, may God help us Strive to that end. So please pray with me. Lord, thank you again for your faithfulness. We thank you for the gift of words. We thank you for the gift of speech. We thank you for. We thank you for the the opportunity that we have to use. To use words as as medicine for the soul. As a balm for the inner man to bring comfort and healing and encouragement. And we know, Lord, in so many instances, especially in our own marriages, we fail to exercise wisdom. We fail to recognize the need of the moment. And we are harsh and flippant and dismissive, unloving. And we want to be aware of how ungodly speech can tear the relationship down and tear down the other person. And we've all done that at some at some point, and I pray, God, that we would exercise repentance in that regard. True, heartfelt repentance. Maybe some of us in here really need to seek peace with either their husband or wife, or a brother or sister in the Lord. We need to go to them. and bring grace to bear. Lord, we want grace to be cultivated in our midst. We want to put away anything that sows discord or tears down the body of Christ. Even if that means it's just one person, Lord, we're a part of that person and we want to bring love and peace and grace to bear in their lives and so continue to build up the body. So help us, God, and make clear those blind spots that we may have against one another. Make clear any kind of bitterness or something we may have against another person, that we would seek them out and say the things that are befitting of a believer in You and that bring peace. Pray that this would happen quickly so that no root of bitterness will continue to grow and spread. We know You love us, Lord, and we know that You care for Your church. And we're even reminded of this church in Ephesus that lost their first love. They failed to love. And Lord, if we fail or fall short in that regard, please, Lord, bring us to attention so that our lamp may continue burning brightly. And that we may be faithful ambassadors of the Gospel, both to each other as well as to the unbeliever. But first and foremost, we want to be faithful to one another in our own homes and in our own marriages. So please help us to that end. Lord, we pray in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.