I've been asked to speak on what do you do when you are in conflict with another person. What do you do? To some this is going to be review. And that's okay. That's okay. A lot of this came from video series on biblical counseling. Jim Newhouse had, and I pray that it would be a time of renewing your mind concerning conflict and how you handle conflict. To repeat truths is okay. To repeat the truth about the gospel is okay. To repeat the truth about sin, about hell, about heaven, about anything in Scripture is okay to do. In fact, we can look to Scripture and see that it is okay. Because in 2 Peter Chapter three, Peter writes, he says, this is now beloved, the second letter I'm writing to you in which I'm stirring up your sincere mind by way of reminder that you should remember the words spoken beforehand by the holy prophets and the commandment of the Lord and savior spoken by your apostles. Peter's addressing the church and he's saying, I'm going to give you things that I've already talked to you about. I want to stir up your mind, stir up remembrance of these truths. So tonight it's going to be a review, a reminder of what scripture says about conflicts. So let's begin. Today we see conflict on a number of fronts. We see conflict between Republicans, Democrats. The Russians and Ukrainians are having a conflict. You might say some have a conflict between the Cardinals and the Cubs. There's always conflict in the world. Always conflict. We can't get around conflict. Because it is always there. These issues concerning the Democrats, Republicans, Ukraine, Russia, we can't solve those. But we can solve the conflicts that come about within our own lives. Those things that we're in conflict with another person. And either we're in that conflict right now, as we sit here, we can think, we can think, there's a person that I'm having a conflict with. Or we might say, yeah, I've had conflicts with other people. I've had conflicts with them. You know, we don't need to attend George Madison University and the Jimmy and Carter School for Peace and Conflict Resolution. We don't need to go there. Don't need to go there. We don't need to read on the website helpguide.org to learn about conflict resolution. What we need to do, look to the word of God. That is what we need to look to in order to understand what conflict is and to understand how we deal with conflict. Peter, also in his second letter, wrote and said that God has given us everything that we need for a godly life. And in resolving conflicts, is living a godly life. So we need to look in scripture to see what God says about that. So for tonight, we're going to take a look. You've got, hopefully you've gotten your outline. And we're going to go over about six different items. One is what is conflict? We're going to define that. What are some of the relationships in which conflict occur? What's the source of conflict? Where does it come from? What are some selfish responses to conflict? What are the hard attitudes needed in resolving conflict? What are the hard issues? And then some practical ways to resolve conflict. I would like to recommend that if you don't have a copy of this pamphlet, Peacemaking Principles, it's out there on the table. That table, the stuff on the table isn't to hold the table down. It's for us to take and utilize. I'd recommend that you take one of these. And if you don't have, if they're all out over there, let me know. We'll get some more of these. But a lot of the things that I say tonight come from this pamphlet. And this is very helpful in dealing with conflict resolutions. Okay, so let's get started here defining conflict. We need to know what that is and what that is not. And make sure we have an understanding of conflict. Conflict is not a difference of opinion. It's not a difference of opinion. I like chocolate ice cream. Others may like pralines and cream. That's an opinion. Now, sometimes opinions can go into conflicts, but normally opinion is not in a conflict. So having an opinion on a conflict or a subject shouldn't be an issue. Disagreements with someone, you know, the Cardinals are the best team, the Cubs are the best team, I'm not even going to talk about either one of them because they're on the low totem pole of the Central Division as it currently stands, so we don't need to go there. But some people might argue which of the two low teams are the best. That's a disagreement. And disagreements are not conflicts, but they can lead to conflicts. They can lead to conflicts. So having an opinion or a disagreement is not a conflict. So what is a conflict? It's when two parties are in opposition to one another. It's when they're in opposition to one another. The word conflict comes from the Latin word meaning to strike. to strike. It's a military word that means to fight against, so there's opposition going on. When one is in conflict, either there's verbal strikes, words are said to hurt another person, or there's physical strikes, directly or indirectly at another person. Stuart Scott in his book, Communication and Conflict Resolution, a biblical perspective defines conflict as such, and I quote, when both parties sin against one another in communication or their actions, and they are in opposition to one another, unquote. That's what conflict is. Having a conflict is more than a difference of opinion or disagreement. There's opposition against one another. I think we could be able to define physical opposition or strikes. That's pretty well understandable. But when it gets to the passive or active verbal opposition or strikes, we may need some clarity there. What might be a passive or active verbal strike? What would that look like? How about refusal to talk to another person? Refusal to talk to another person. This opposition is passive. It's not active. You just don't talk to that person. You're in opposition to the other person. You're in conflict. Don't talk to them. Bible calls this arrogance. Arrogance. Spreading false statements about another person. This is active opposition. The Bible calls this slander. Slander. Ignoring another person by not having direct contact with them. That's kind of passive. You just don't have any conflict there because you're not with them and you've already had an issue with them. So you just ignore them. The Bible can call this pride. Pride. Speaking harsh words to their face, that's active incitement. The Bible calls this insolence. And we may tend to experience more the passive opposition or the passiveness of the conflict more than the active portion. But it's all conflict and it needs some resolution. It needs some resolution. So we can define conflict as fighting with words or physically in opposition of someone else. Takes two people. What are some of the relationships where conflicts arise? Conflicts occur within any personal relationship. For example, and this is probably one that we can pretty much relate to, and that is in the family. Relatives, relatives. There may be even parental conflict where an adult and a child are in conflict with one another. And that child could be a young child or an adult child. There could be conflict. The husband and wife could have a conflict. In-laws, there can be conflict among in-laws. There can be conflict among outlaws. But within a family setting, relationship setting, there can be conflicts, and that's common to have those. In workplace, that's another location where conflict may be between you and a coworker, or between you and a boss, or between you and a customer. There can be conflict there. There can be opposition against one another. In a church, there might be conflicts and that can boil over into church splittings if it's not dealt with and handled biblically. Your neighbors, you may have a conflict over a boundary line where they set up a fence and it's encroaching on your boundary line. Or maybe they had a party last Saturday night and it just got real loud and annoying and you wanted to go to sleep. There's conflict, there's opposition there. Conflicts are not new. We see conflict in scripture, both passive and active. Conflict started all the way back in Genesis. All the way back in Genesis with the fall. Adam and Eve had a conflict with God. Chapter three of Genesis, God comes along and says, have you eaten from the tree which I commend you not to eat? What did Adam say? It's not my fault, God. It's that woman that you gave me. And Eve comes along and says, hey, it's not my fault. It's that serpent that you created. He deceived me. So there's conflict right from Genesis three there. We don't get far in Genesis. We get in chapter four and what happens? Cain and Abel. There's a family dispute. There's a family dispute. We see that Cain and Abel and their conflict in which Abel is murdered. It keeps on going through the Old Testament into the New Testament. There's tension between people, different people, and between people and God, there's tension, there's conflict. Can you imagine the conflict with the 12 disciples? How about the IRS agent Matthew who supports Rome and Simeon the Zealot, the terrorist who adamantly is against Rome? What kind of love affair do they have? Not much of one. These guys were on opposite sides of the political spectrum. Do you think they ate fish and loaves and sat beside each other? Maybe there was times of friction between those two. Maybe James and John, you know, the Sons of Thunder, maybe they had to get in between the two and separate them. What a bunch to separate two people, the Sons of Thunder. Maybe the disciples questioned Jesus as to why he chose any of them at all, because they all had issues with each other. We see conflict between Paul and Barnabas taking mark along the next missionary endeavor in Acts chapter 15. In verse 39, it describes the interchange that they had, one with another, as a sharp disagreement. That wasn't just, well, this is my opinion. No. There was sharpness in their words over Mark. They irritated each other with the position that they took. over Mark. They provoked one another to anger, which led to the parting of ways. Paul took Silas and Barnabas took Mark. It's interesting to note though, later on we see that Paul says, send Mark to me because he's useful for me. So there was resolution that took place with Paul and Mark. So we've defined conflict. We've seen where relationships, there are conflicts there. Now we need to touch on the source. That is where the rubber meets the road. The source of conflict, where does it come from? What's the source? What do we trace it to? You know what? Scripture tells us. Isn't that great? Scripture gives us where the source of conflict is. Turn to James chapter four. This is a very familiar passage. Pastor has preached on this. So you guys should have this memorized by now. Verse one says, what is the source of quarrels and conflict among you? Okay, let's just stop right there. The Greek word for conflict means fighting or combating. There could have been some passiveness, some active conflict, opposition going on there. Who is it that James addresses? He says, what's this conflict among you? These are believers. He's talking to believers. What's the conflict among you believers here? They're in opposition to one another. They aren't showing brotherly love. There's a lack of unity. And he asked a question. He asked, what is the source of the quarrels and conflicts? He doesn't ask what can be done about it. He doesn't say, let's just get along with one another, why don't we? Let's show some brotherly love, you know? Like Jesus said, my brother? No, no, he doesn't do that. He says, what is the source? What is the source of the quarrels and conflicts? And he answers the question. He answers the question. Is not the source your pleasures? that wage war in your members. James is saying, is it not your desires the source of your sin? Is not your desires the source of the sin? What are those desires? Verse two, you lust, heart desire, and you do not have, so you take action. You commit murder. I think it can't enable. I think it can't enable. You are envious, heart desire, heart desire. And you cannot obtain, so you do what? You fight and quarrel. There's action there, visible action. I think of Arian and Miriam complaining about Moses' leadership in chapter 12 of Numbers. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and you do not receive because you ask with the wrong what? Motives. Where are your motives? In your heart. Your heart. so that you spend it on your pleasures. That's the action from the heart desire. You adulteresses Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the scripture speaks to no purpose? He jealously desires the spirit which he has made to dwell in us, but he gives greater grace. Therefore, it says God is opposed to the proud and gives grace to the humble. So what is the source of conflict? What is the source of conflict? Is not the very root of every conflict you? It's your heart. Notice he doesn't say it's them. He says, it's you. It's your heart. That's the source. It's not the other person. It's your selfishness and pride. It's your self-centeredness. You are right and they are wrong. You're looking out for number one. It is sin in your heart. Your sin is the root of the conflict here. James is saying there is lust, envy, and wrong motives in their heart. As a result, there's outward action, there's murder, fighting, and quarrels going on. That's the root of the conflict. If you notice in the handout, you see an illustration of James 4, 1 through 6a. If you notice on there, on both sides, of the ravine, there's my demands, my rights, my needs, my expectations. It is pride. It is sin. And it's on both sides, both sides. This creates war and fighting. God is opposed to selfishness, which is sin. So what are some selfish or unbiblical responses then to conflict? I'm going to name a couple. Either we escape or we attack. We escape. or we attack. In the escape, we take ourselves out of the conflict. We escape rather than resolve the conflict. And I've got three ways in which we might try to escape. We're in denial. This conflict isn't really happening. We pretend that the conflict doesn't exist. We ignore the fact that there's conflict or disunity here. At best, this brings temporal relief. But it only causes more conflict. It may present itself as, well, they will see that I'm right when they think about it. They'll come to their senses. Or they may say, well, we'll just let time pass and time will let things heal itself. That's escape. I think that Eli's mode of operation in parenting was a form of escape with his kids, his boys. He did not take action when he should have with them. The second way of escape is by flight. We run away from conflict. We may pull away from relationships. We may say, well, we're not going to ever see them again. We'll just not see them. We'll avoid them at all costs. We may quit a job over a conflict and we'll say, well, I never did like that job anyway. That was a crummy job. I didn't get paid enough. We might change churches because, you know, this church is not the best church in town. There's other churches that are better, so we'll just change churches. There's different ways in which we take flight. I think of Elijah and his stance against the prophet of Baals, and then he turns right around and runs from Jezebel. He takes flight. Doesn't want to confront Jezebel. A third way is by suicide. This is when people lose hope in resolving the relationship and they act selfishly. That's not an option. It's an option people take, but it's not a biblical option. So we have selfish response of escape and the other is attack. Okay, on attack, what do we do here? We go on the offensive. We go on the offensive. We do this to gain control or manipulate the other person. There are three ways into how we go on the offensive or attack the other person. Either we assault them, either physical force or verbal manipulation or intimidation. We verbally assault by gossip, by blackmail, by slander, words. They mean something. Acts chapter 6, Stephen was brought before the religious leaders because of gossip and slander. Gossip and slander. Another way that there's attack is by litigation. Lawsuits against other believers. This brings shame on the name of Jesus. In 1 Corinthians chapter 6, Paul raises a question as to what is going on with you Corinthians? You're taking fellow believers to court before an unbelieving judge. Hello? What are you doing? Why isn't that being resolved in the church? Then there's murder. This is a very extreme case. People will win. a conflict by eliminating the other person. We see that a lot today, do we not? Genesis chapter four, Cain and Abel, Acts chapter seven, Stephen being put to death, they're getting rid of the conflict by murdering the other person. Those are selfish responses to conflict. They're escape or attack. So, okay, what do we do in a conflict with someone? How do we resolve that conflict biblically? Well, we need to deal with the heart attitude. We notice that in James chapter four. The Bible tells us, gives us a guidance as to how to resolve conflict. And James does it. If you look in chapter four, he continues, he says, but he, being God, gives greater grace. Therefore, it says God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Verse seven, submit therefore to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable, mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned in mourning and your joy into gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord and he will exalt you. James is giving us the guidance for godly living in relationship to conflicts. Pride and selfishness creates conflicts. The two heart attitudes that are needed are humility and repentance to resolve the conflict. Scripture speaks of humility, it speaks of self-denial. Humility is love and action. It benefits others when we are humble toward them. When scripture speaks of repentance, it speaks of turning of one's mind. You've been thinking one way, but now you think differently. Now you think differently. So we're to humble our hearts and repent. And you say, really? That's tough. I don't know about this. God's word is given to us so that we may live godly lives, okay? We're dealing with a part that's most difficult to us because it revolves around us, ourself, our own desires, our pride, what we want. Being humble is difficult because it wars against our heart desire to be right, to be on top. And we want others to do what we want them to do. We want to be in control. We want to be in control. Look at the other illustration in James chapter four, verses six through 10. You see here, the turning of the desire from selfishness and pride to humility. God gives us grace. He gives the grace to the humble. We give honor to him in our attitude and actions. We communicate with the other person. We serve in love towards the other person. That is what James is trying to tell these people. This is how you resolve those quarrels and that fighting that's going among you. Humble yourself. and forgive one another. So what are the practical aspects of a conflict resolution? Let me give you a few of these. One is overlooking offense. Some conflicts are insignificant in the long run. They really are. They can be overlooked. This is a form, a form of forgiveness. To do so requires that you not talk about it or dwell or cause it to grow into bitterness or anger. You forgive and you forget. Okay? Overlook them. You know, the pastor may have not greeted you this morning, this afternoon. He may not have. You may have walked past him and he did not even look at you. And you could be upset over that. Let it go. Let it go. Proverbs 19.11 says, a man's discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression. Overlook a transgression. Now, many times, it may be difficult to overlook a situation, a conflict, okay? A lot of it hinges on the severity of the offense. One person may be able to overlook an action, whereas another person cannot. When you sense that the other person is not warm towards you, or you cannot be warm towards that other person, and you can't have fellowship with that individual, then you need to take action. You need to take some action here. Matthew 5, verses 23 through 24, Jesus is talking. He says, therefore, if you present your offering at the altar and you remember that your brother has something against you, notice it isn't that you have something against your brother. It's where you know your brother has something against you. What do you do? You leave your offering there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother and then come and present your offering. What Jesus is saying here is deal with it. Deal with it expediently. Don't wait till next week. You deal with it then. Deal with it then. Well, if an offense can't be overlooked, how do you do the reconciliation? How do you do that? How does that work? If the conflict is serious or has damaged the relationship, then there needs to be confession and forgiveness. Get the log out of your eye, Matthew 7, and that takes an act of confession. before the other person. Okay, how you do that? How you do that? In the peacemaking ministry, the pamphlet, it has the seven A's. And I encourage the small group not only to use this when you're dealing with another person, confessing a wrong that's been done. But I would say start with your confession of sin before God and use this. That's good practice for when you go to another person. OK, because because you're going to be doing that on a daily basis. All right. OK, so what are the seven A's? First A is address. Address. You address everyone that is involved. Everyone that is involved. Do not go outside the realm of involvement. It's just between you and the other person or persons. You don't go telling your neighbor. You don't tell your mother or your father or everybody else. It's not in the situation. You go to that individual, that individual alone. Second A is avoid. Avoid. You avoid the words if, but, maybe. These words are escape words. They're escape words. They're not words of wanting to make things right, what they are, they're words blaming someone else or blaming a situation. If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have done this. And what does that sound like? It's this situation or this other person's fault. It's not my fault. Avoid those. When you confess to God, you don't say, yeah, God, if this situation hadn't happened, I wouldn't have sinned. No, you confess it to him saying, I have sinned. It is me, my heart desires. I need to confess them to you. Take responsibility for your own heart. Take responsibility for your own heart. Next is admit. Admit and be specific when you admit. Don't beat around the bush, as that doesn't resolve the conflict. Don't say, well, I apologize. That doesn't get it. That really doesn't get it. You say, I wanted you to do this my way because I was selfish. That's admitting specifically the wrong that's been committed. Admit specifically. When you confess to God, you say, God, I was envious of this person. You don't say, I apologize and let it go at that. Be specific in your sin with God. Acknowledge the hurt. I think this is very important to acknowledge that you have caused hurt in the other person's life. There's been damage done in that relationship, and you have caused that. So acknowledge the hurt, know that you've caused the hurt, and tell them so. Tell them so. The next is accept. Accept the consequences. Do not think by confessing to another that there will not be consequences for the sin. You may suffer for the conflict. There may be monetary penalties for the conflict. So accept whatever consequences arise. Next is alter. Alter. Alter your behavior. You need to perform a self-check to see what is going on in your heart that causes conflict. You may need to put off an attitude or an action and put on a biblical action or attitude. You may need to do an act of kindness, giving of yourself for the other person. So alter your behavior. When you confess to God, you don't say, well, I confess this time and I'm gonna go do it again. No, alter your behavior. Alter your thoughts. Use scripture to change your heart. Then you ask for forgiveness. This is difficult. Will you forgive me for acting so selfishly? Will you forgive me for acting so selfishly? You confess that it is selfishness. It is pride. It's your heart that has caused this. You're not to bring up this issue again. Once it's confessed, once you've approached the person, that is it. That is it. God doesn't bring things up with us. Thank the Lord. He'd have a lot to bring up with me, but he doesn't. He's a gracious God. Okay, so we've had reconciliation. Now negotiation. Sometimes there may be some material issues and conflict that we need to resolve, related money or property or assets. And those need to be dealt with as well. Philippians 2 chapter 4 says each of you look not only on your own interest but also the interest of others if they've been damaged financially or whatever. You need to make restitution there. You need to make restitution. Well, you'd say that, you know, resolving conflict, that's a lot of work. It's kind of hard. I've got to do some things with my pride and my heart. There's some attitudes I need to deal with. You know, I might get hurt in this whole process. It may cause more conflicts if I do something like this. You know, this is just justifying your own pride when you make up excuses for this. We make restitution for conflicts. I've got two items here to glorify God. That's why we do this. That's why we resolve these conflicts. 1 Corinthians 6, verse 20 says, for you have been bought with a price, therefore, as a result, because you have been bought with a price, glorify God in your body. That's your purpose, to glorify God. So you make restitution, you resolve the conflicts to glorify God in the end, to walk a godly life. Another reason would be to live peacefully with others. Live peacefully with others. 2 Corinthians 13, 11 says, finally, brethren, rejoice. Be made complete. Be comforted, be like minded, live in peace and the God of love and peace will be with you. When you're in a conflict with somebody, you're not living in peace. There's conflict needs to be resolved. I pray that this This session on what to do when you're in conflict with one another points you to scripture to get that resolution and live out the principles of God's word so that we might live a life that's honoring and glorifying to him. Let's pray. Father, I want to thank you for your word. I thank you for the direction, the instruction, the guidance, the practicality of your word. Thank you that you are a God that cares for us. You desire us to live a godly life. And as such, you've given us your word to help us do so. You've not left us out on an island to figure it out. to ask for man's wisdom. You have not caused a situation where we have to grope and struggle to try to learn what it is that You want from us. You've got it in Your Word. And Father, what that means is that we have to look into Your Word. We have to read Your Word. We have to study Your Word. We have to meditate upon your word and then make application to our own lives. And I pray as a body of believers here that we would encourage one another in resolving conflicts that we have. May we lift one another up in prayer. May we be ones that desire to live that life holy to you. I pray these things in your name. Amen.