Let's bow our heads. Our Father in heaven, we are so thankful for this morning you've given us. Father, we thank you for the Lord's day. We thank you for one day in seven where we can focus on you and your worship together with your people. Father, I pray that you would give us a blessing today through the ministry of your word. And Lord, that we could all be changed and touched by it, Lord, and drawn closer to you and closer to each other. We ask this in the name of Christ, our Lord. Amen. So this is the fourth lesson that I've brought on the topic of marriage. And today we're going to be looking at practical applications of some of the things that we highlighted in our previous lessons. By way of reminder, our first lesson focused on the creation of man and God's design purpose for marriage. We noted that God made Adam to take dominion over and subdue the earth for God's glory. In that responsibility, God made Eve as Adam's companion and helper. We saw that the creational order of husband and wife was to be the standard for all subsequent marriages even after our fall into sin. In our second lesson we considered marriage in light of the fall and the negative effects that this has upon marriage. God's curse upon the woman resulted in great pain in childbearing and also affects her relationship to her husband. In the fallen state Submission would be difficult and the struggle between husband and wife would be significant. Our third lesson, we briefly surveyed marriage in the Old Testament and into the New. We noted how marriage degenerated as a result of sin in terrible aberrations such as polygamy, divorce, and homosexuality, among other evils. but that good marriages also existed and that God's law set boundaries around marriage for our good. We looked briefly at the wonderful pictures of marriage in the wisdom literature and the way in which marriage was used as a metaphor for God's relationship with his people. In the New Testament we saw that God initiated a new covenant with his people which guarantees their faithfulness because he changes their hearts to love him. This is opposed to the old covenant where the people fell away from the Lord and ultimately committed adultery against him and they were divorced. So marriage is a theme in scripture and human marriage is to teach us of the relationship between Christ and his church which finds its greatest fulfillment in the world to come where the divine bridegroom perfects his bride and brings her to himself forever. Now in this lesson, we're going to explore the particular responsibilities God has designed for both husband and wife. By paying careful attention to God's design, we'll begin to have healthier marriages as God enables us to live faithfully as his redeemed people. So we're going to focus on two responsibilities. If we look to scripture for explicit instruction on marriage, we can turn to several places, but Ephesians 5 gives us two principles which are specific commands for husbands and wives and will serve to form a basis for how our relationship as husband and wife should function. Within the framework of the husband's headship and the wife's submission, Ephesians 533 summarizes the duties of husband and wife to two distinct attributes. Husbands are to love their wives and wives are to reverence their husbands. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself and the wife see that she reverence her husband. This is Ephesians 5.33. Notice that these commands are directed to husbands as husbands and to wives as wives. These are specific to each and I suspect these are especially set forth because of the importance that these are to healthy marriages and also because of the particular weaknesses that each have in their respective duties. We are often encouraged and instructed in the areas of our weakness. For example, the Ten Commandments instruct us in our areas of weakness and sin. People have a tendency to worship other gods, to revile the name of God, to dishonor parents, to hate, kill, lust, and fornicate, steal, deceive, and covet. The commandments are a necessary instruction because of our evil tendencies. There is no need for God to command us, for instance, to eat enough food. Thou shalt eat 2,500 calories a day, or for some of us, 5,000 calories a day. It's not part of the holy commandment. This is because people don't typically struggle with eating enough. For most people, eating too much is the temptation, which is why gluttony is warned against. Now some people do have eating disorders and starve themselves but this isn't the natural order but it's rather a disorder. Most people struggle with overeating. Husbands are commanded to love their wives on two accounts. First, we may rightly infer that God commands love to wives because wives need love. This is a basic and fundamental need and so God commands husbands to provide it. Husbands are particularly weak in this area and so the duty is pressed upon them with examples provided. These two examples of love are given as the proper way in which to love our wives. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and they are to love their wives as they love themselves. So how does Christ love the church? Ephesians 5.25 says that he loved the church by giving himself for her. Love manifests itself most fully through giving of oneself for another. God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. Christ so loved the church that he gave himself for her. This giving is for her good and required self-sacrifice. Christ was willing to veil his glory as the high king of heaven and to be born of a woman into this sin-cursed world, taking on the struggles and temptations of this life to work out in glorious detail what God's righteousness demands of mankind. He subjected himself to his own law in order to keep it perfectly for his bride. When he fulfilled all righteousness he sacrificed himself on the cross to atone for our sins. He gave his own life for her and then he rose from the dead to secure her position as his redeemed bride to prepare a place for her with him in all eternity. Husbands may be thinking that this is an impossible standard, and so it is. We will never be able to love to the measure that God loves because he is infinite, eternal, and unchanging. Nevertheless, our love is to be modeled after his love, and Christ's love is to be held up as the perfect standard of love so that husbands may aspire to it. Wives, on the other hand, are instructed to reverence their husbands, as my translation has it. Most modern translations use the word respect, and some others say fear. The Greek word here is phobio, which is rendered in my translation 35 times as fear, 29 times as afraid, 18 times as feared, 6 times as fearing, 4 times as feareth, And one time is reverence. It is of importance to understand precisely what God is instructing wives to do. As I think we all know that wives being terrified of their husbands is not what is intended here. I believe the word respect carries most of what is intended by the use of this word phobia. But the word reverence I think is a bit closer to respect. is to regard or to hold another in honor. To reverence adds the element of fear, as the word means literally. This is a stronger way to say the same thing. Again, she is not to be afraid of her husband, as in terror, but rather to hold him in such high regard that she fears defending him, and her subjection to him is rooted in the heart attitude of reverence. Now lest we think this strange, there are other places where the word fear is used in this way. We are all instructed along these lines to render fear to the civil magistrate. Romans 13.7 says, render therefore to all their dues, tribute to whom tribute is due, custom to whom custom, fear to whom fear, honor to whom honor. John Gill explains this fear. He says, not of punishment, for a good subject has no reason to fear the civil magistrate in this sense, only the man that does evil, the malefactor. As for the good neighbor, citizen, and subject, he loves the magistrate the more, the more diligent he is in putting the laws in execution against wicked men, but this is to be understood of a fear of offending, and especially of a reverence bore in the mind, and expressed by outward actions, and such as, has going with it a cheerful obedience to all lawful commands. Now this is said about husbands loving wives and wives reverencing husbands because this is to be the environment of the marriage. These two injunctions are like the air that we breathe. For us to physically live We must be in an environment that sustains life. Take the air away and we quickly die. Love and reverence are the air of marriage. A husband who doesn't love his wife has removed the oxygen from the marriage and a wife who dishonors her husband has introduced a poisonous gas into the marriage environment. So what does love look like? In practical terms, what does love look like in a marriage? I said before that love is demonstrated through giving, even to the point of self-sacrifice. But it isn't just giving anything. The sacrifices love gives are born out of the inward affection and tenderness a husband has for his wife. What love gives is what is needed most for the well-being of the other. Men, do we take care of our wives like we care for our own comfort? I'd be willing to wager that none of us husbands went to bed on a pile of rocks last night. Anybody go to bed on a pile of rocks? I didn't think so. Why? Because we care about our comfort and the well-being of our body. At what point do we fail to eat or to drink or to sleep? We do these things daily because our body needs them. We care for our flesh. When we are cold, we seek warmth. When we are hot in the sun, we seek shade. Ephesians 5.28 says, I don't think any of us chooses to go to bed on a bed of nails. We cherish our flesh. To nourish is to feed and promote growth and maturity, to promote health and strength. Not only are we to provide nourishment physically for our wives, and that is one of our duties, to provide physically for our wives, but we are also to provide nourishment for her soul. She needs the word of God and Christian fellowship. She needs prayer. and the sacraments. She needs the preaching of the word as do we. It is our responsibility to the best of our ability to make sure that our wives have access to this nourishment and that we personally attend to it. Like adding nutrients and water to the soil of a plant, so our wives will likely flourish when we nourish them in this way. We are also commanded as husbands to cherish our wives. Cherish is a good word. The literal meaning of the Greek word for cherish is to impart warmth. The sense in which it is used here is to have tender care. Webster defines the English word cherish to treat with tenderness and affection, to give warmth, ease, or comfort to. And he quotes 1 Thessalonians 2.7, we were gentle among you even as a nurse cherishes her children. It's a gentle word, a loving word, an affectionate word to cherish. Brothers, are we cherishing our wives? Can they see our tenderness and affection on a daily basis? Or do we tend to be grumpy and demanding? Our wives are designed to be more delicate than we are. Do we recognize this and treat them with the gentleness that they deserve? How many of you men have ever tried to brush curly hair? Anybody tried to brush curly hair? Maybe you've had a daughter that had curly hair and you've had to brush it out. Now, if you try to brush curly hair forcefully, All that happens is that you make the tangles worse. You might even rip some hair out and cause knots and cause great pain along with it. To brush curly hair, you have to start at the end and work gently and work up and up and up and up until you've brushed all the tangles out. Our wives are like beautiful curly hair, but if we treat them roughly, we can likely expect tangles and knots. Curly hair requires tenderness if it is to be beautiful, and our wives require affection and gentleness if we expect a healthy marriage relationship. That's our responsibility, men. Affection, tenderness, gentleness. I especially want you young men to hear this. Though God has made your wife subject to you and you possess authority over her, if you treat your wife and speak to her on the basis of authority, your wife will be alienated from you and your marriage will suffer as a result. If you take pride in your authority with an air of machismo and begin commanding your wife as a subject, you are killing your marriage. Albert Barnes isn't my favorite commentator of scripture, and I definitely would differ with him on some very important things, but he has some wisdom in regard to this topic. In his lengthy comments on Ephesians 5.33, he says, it is not best that there should be an open exercise of authority in a family. When commands begin in the relation of husband and wife, happiness flies. And the moment a husband is disposed to command his wife or is under a necessity of doing it, that moment he may bid adieu to domestic peace and joy. There's a lot of truth in this and much wisdom in what Barnes says. In a healthy marriage, the wife isn't micromanaged and she should have a broad range of latitude in decision making. Look at the Proverbs 31 woman. She makes very many important decisions. And she does so without her husband hovering over her. In fact, she has so much trust from her husband that she is buying and selling land. Buying land and selling her wares on her own consideration. She considereth a field and buyeth it, it says. The husband certainly sets the tone and establishes the parameters but never forget that the domestic sphere is where the wife is to operate and she should be able to do so with much freedom. He also has a sphere in which he makes decisions without consultation because of the division of labor and his calling outside of the home. But important decisions are best to be made together. It is a marriage. When there are important decisions to be made, a wise husband will consult his wife for her insight. And the decisions can be made with mutual assent. This is important. If there's a disagreement, he is wise to wait and reconsider his view for a time. It should be a rare occasion where the husband acts without the benefit of mutual agreement. If he must do so, there should be a weighty and compelling reason. On the flip side, a wife should only go against her husband's will on a decision if it is a matter of conscience and cannot be resolved in any mutual way. Otherwise, after voicing her concerns, she is obligated to submit to his will, trusting in God as the scripture instructs. Many wives feel vulnerable because they have husbands that always defer to her will and cannot make an independent decision based upon his unique insight or conviction. Men, don't fail to act when it is in the best interest of your family to do so. Sometimes this may upset your wife, but you have a responsibility to lead and you should not refuse that responsibility. Husbands, you are the guardians of your family. Be willing protect them even if your wife doesn't yet see the danger. You will be held responsible as Adam was if you fail to act. Now if you're acting out of selfishness and only for your own comfort or benefit, shame on us. This is not loving our wife as Christ loves the church. You will lose the trust of your wife if she sees that your decisions are foolish and self-serving. So in regards to husbands loving their wives, we must remember that in all of these things, kindness and gentleness must be the rule. Remember that word cherish. Sear it into your mind. We shouldn't expect much from a marriage where love is not manifested in this way daily. Barnes again delivers needed wisdom as he explains the importance of this. He says, the great secret of conjugal happiness is in the cultivation of a proper temper. It is not so much in the great and trying scenes of life that the strength of virtue is tested. It is in the events that are constantly occurring, the manifestation of kindness in the things that are happening every moment. The gentleness that flows along every day, like the stream that winds through the meadow and around the farmhouse, noiseless but useful, diffusing fertility by day and by night. Great deeds rarely occur. The happiness of life depends little on them, but mainly on the little acts of kindness in life. We need them everywhere. We need them always. And eminently in the marriage relation there is need of gentleness and love returning each morning, beaming in the eye and dwelling in the heart through the live long day. It's a beautiful paragraph and we should take heed to it. Now a few words to the wives on reverence. We defined reverence earlier but practically what does this look like in a godly marriage? In Peter's instructions for husbands and wives in 1 Peter 3, he encourages the wives to follow the example of Sarah, who is set forth as one who was in subjection to her husband with a meek and quiet spirit. He draws attention to the fact of her reverent obedience. And this is evidenced by her calling Abraham Lord. Now I know to our modern sensibilities, This seems utterly barbaric. We tend to laugh at this idea as an absurdity, but mocking at the idea of reverence is a major factor in our current crisis in marriage. If you've ever read that passage and scoffed a bit in your mind, you need to be recalibrated according to the word of God. Now let's be honest, husbands are not deserving of reverence. We fail in many ways. We are often sinful, selfish, and hurtful. But let's turn it around. Wives aren't deserving of love either. If our obligation to love or to reverence was based on the other party deserving it, then no love or reverence should ever be given. Here again, Christ is our great example. It was while we were yet sinners that he died for us. We didn't deserve the least drop of his blood of reconciliation. And husbands don't deserve reverence either. Yet God commands wives to give what is not deserved. This is the definition of grace. It is undeserved favor. In God commanding reverence for husbands, he is telling you to give him grace. By reverencing your husband, you are honoring God and his order. If your husband demanded reverence, I could see you laughing, but God has commanded it. Peter tells us practically what reverence looks like. It manifests itself in willing, respectful submission. Reverence peacefully accepts the fact that God has made the husband the head of the family and does nothing to overturn that reality. she respects his position in honor. This reverence bears out in willing obedience to his will. Reverence does not despise your husband in your heart, nor does it revile your husband with your mouth. Read the Proverbs and see what a curse a contentious wife is. She is likened unto a leaky roof, which continually leaks water. But on the contrary, and quiet spirit in the eyes of God is of great price. Remember what I said in a previous lesson, that love and reverence tend to be efficacious. That is, they tend to impact the other person for good. God's love works this way. Our love for him originates in his love for us. The love of a husband for his wife tends to cause her to flourish in the same way Peter tells us that a husband may be won by the reverent conduct of a wife toward her husband. These are powerful things. We shouldn't overlook them or look at them lightly. This is not unimportant. For a wife to refuse reverence for her husband is every bit as damaging As for a husband to refuse to love his wife, you are destroying your own marriage if you refuse God's commandment on this point. Proverbs 14, one says, every wise woman buildeth her house, but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. You can build your house by having a reverent attitude toward your husband. As we close, I want to challenge us as husbands and wives to put into practice these ideals that God has placed before us. Husbands, are we willing to fall? Are we going to fall short in our duty to our wives? Yes, we will. Wives, are you going to fall short in your duty to reverence your husband? Yes, you will, too. Because of our weakness and sinfulness, in addition to striving after these high callings of love, like Christ loved the church, and reverence that God has laid out for us, we're going to need much grace and forgiveness for our spouse if we're to continue to grow in healthy relationships. And this is one of the important things, and I think without it, no marriage, no Christian marriage will thrive if there's no grace or forgiveness. So let our marriages be filled with grace this week as we seek to honor the Lord in these two commandments that we find in Ephesians 5, verse 33. Let's pray. Our Father in heaven, we thank you for your word. Lord, your word often crosses us in the way that we would think, but we thank you for it, Lord. We pray that you would bless us and bless the marriages in our congregation and help us, Lord, give us the ability to love more and to reverence more, we pray. In Jesus name, amen.