So here we are in our second session. We are continuing on the do's and don'ts of discipline. I thank Pastor Julian for opening us in prayer. I hope you realize how unusual it is for the senior pastor to attend these seminars. He could actually lead it himself. So it's a great privilege for him to give up the pulpit and allow me to share, but also a great humility on his part to come and listen. It's not like he hasn't studied this and taught on it and has his own convictions and his own successful family, which he presents to y'all as a model. So I appreciate that, Pastor. You have a lovely wife that gives up a Saturday when tomorrow is the hardest working day for a pastor. A lot of people say, I don't see why the pastor has to have a day off. A Sunday? I go to church on Sunday. Well, you know what the difference between you going to church on Sunday and your pastor is? It's the difference between you going out to dinner and going to a movie and managing a restaurant and managing a movie theater. It's a big difference, isn't it? When you go out to dinner, is the manager of the restaurant there? Yeah, is he off-duty? No, he's working hard. And when you go to a movie, does the manager of the movie, is he there? Is it a day off? No, he's working hard. And the hardest working day of a minister is Sunday. Then you place on top of that the spiritual attacks of Satan. Because Satan does not attack the average restaurant manager or movie theater owner for running his business. But he's very interested in your pastor. So it is a very grueling physical, mental, and spiritual day. And so I certainly hope you do not begrudge your pastor. his days off. Because this is how it goes, I've seen this many times. A pastor needs to work, a pastor needs to be at every committee meeting, a pastor needs to be at every hospital visit, every sick bed, laymen don't have to be anything, every deacon's meeting, every conflict, Every time the church doors are open, the pastor has to be there. He has to lock up. He has to clean up. He has to watch over the budget. And then, pastor, why isn't your family and marriage in better shape? I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go. Why don't you get a hold of your schedule? Why don't you... It's because you work him to death. So you want to take care of your pastor. Make sure he has vacations. Make sure he has days off, if you want him to last. God says don't muzzle the ox, because if you work your ox to death, you're going to end up doing the work of an ox. So, Jesus said that Satan will strike the shepherd to scatter the sheep. So, you don't muzzle Daryl the ox. You take care of him. You feed him. You make sure he's rested and has a good place to live and that he'll last for you. So he's not tired all the time. That's free. There's no charge. That's free. Okay, let's continue. We left off that you were going to be on the same team. Didn't we? Number six, work on one area at a time. Not everything at once. Don't work on everything at once. For the little crawler and toddler, you still use that word toddler? Just barely walking. That's not cross-cultural. Crawling is, toddling is not. One thing, choose one thing. Beginning at age three to six, when they start school, I found that two things at a time. Elementary school and up, you can talk to them about three things at a time, but really, that's max. If your supervisor sits down with you at work and says, OK, we're going to go over a few things for you that I'd like for you to work on, and he puts down a sheet of 25 things, and I want you to keep this in the front row and be thinking about these 25 key things every day. Are you going to be able to do that? No, that's way too much. General Eisenhower told his staff and he told, when he was president, he told his staff, if you can't put it in three concise points on one page of one piece of paper, I don't want to see it. We haven't thought it through. So we really used that with our children. We kept it simple and concise. And that is very important. And talk through with them. Don't just go home and go crazy. Instruct. Begin with instruction. Help them to understand. Talk through it with each other. Before Eleanor and I even had children, I can remember a discussion we had at the dinner table. And we wanted our children to do well in school. So we came up with some things that they would need to be able to do before they went to school to do well. Now, I know a lot of parents now, they want to make sure their children can do their ABCs and 123s and things like that before they go to school. Those are academic. That's good. But there are social skills that a child must be able to do well before they go to school. Our neighbor's child, we had a, in Stillwater, they had a kindergarten screening. And you would go in and the teacher would visit each child, and it was about a one-hour screening. And what it was basically to see is if the child was ready to start that year. And then if the child really wasn't ready, they would suggest that you wait a year, hold the child back a year. So, our neighbors... I have lots of funny stories. I'll tell you during the break. Ask me about kindergarten screening. So, our neighbor came back over the house infuriated, asking Eleanor, you know, if Sam was going to start kindergarten that year. And she said, yes. And she said, well, they've told me my son can't start that year. So she went and had him tested in Oklahoma City. And he came up. gifted and talented, like a little boy genius. And you know what her response was? Well, he's so intelligent and gifted, he just lives in those espirial fears above the teachers and common people. Since when does being intelligent and gifted equal antisocial behavior? Well, he went in for that screening. He couldn't keep his hands to himself. He wouldn't look at the teacher in the eye. And I have seen him walk down the hall later when he was in school, and I think he was in first grade, spitting on every door that he passed in the hallway. My child won't do that. Well, does your child spit? I'm not going to say your child can't spit. So what does that defer to? Yes, Ephesians 6. Can your child stand in line? Will a child who can stand in line do well in school? Yes. Will a child who can't stand in line? So, how can you find out if your child can stand in line? What is your grocery shopping experience like? When you're putting the stuff out of the cart, can your child stand with his hands to himself behind you or behind the cart while you do that? Your child can stand in line. Can your child sit still? That's something they want to come up with. We would teach our children to sit still at the dinner table. After they finished eating, they didn't get to run around like chickens. They would sit still. If your child can't sit still in the dinner table, why do you think he can sit still in the classroom? Can your child sit still and entertain himself in the doctor's office while he waits for the doctor or dentist? If your child can't sit still and entertain himself in the doctor's office while he waits for the doctor or the dentist or whoever is being waited for, what makes you think your child will sit still in school? It's just like I talk to single men who are engaged in pornography and are used to checking out women's skirts and looking at women. And I say, do you think when you put that wedding ring on your finger some miraculous transformation is going to take place and you are not going to be on your honeymoon on the beach or at the restaurant checking out women with your eyes? Does it make for a good start to a marriage? When are you going to change? And I tell the ladies, the single ladies, you know, you flirt at work, you flirt for tips, you flirt with men, and after the wedding you're out with your husband on your honeymoon And you find yourself flirting with the busboy, with the waiters, with the manager, with the gym instructor. How does that lay the good groundwork for a marriage? Putting a wedding ring on your finger doesn't transform you, does it? And enrolling your child in school, he doesn't enter into this twilight zone of behavior where all of a sudden all the things change. He thinks he enters the twilight zone, but he doesn't. The reason he thinks he enters the twilight zone is people all of a sudden for the first time in his life expecting to act his age. Helping to act older than he is. That's a wonderful wisdom and life skill. It's very important to work on one area at a time. We wanted Eleanor to be able to have some time alone. So we taught our children to play quietly. We wanted to be able to take them on trips and outings. Now, we have friends whose children were in elementary school age, they used to drive out to the coast every year to visit family. And he said, you know, that is the worst two days of my life every year is having those kids cooped up in the car all day. Well, for us, they were fun times. They didn't grow up being able to fight, scream, say and do anything they wanted to. We wanted our family to be an alternative to what the world has to offer when we invited people to our church. People come over to your house. They swear, you swear. They use crude words, you use crude words. Their kids can't sit at the table and eat, your kids can't sit at the table and eat. Their kids fight, your kids fight. There's tinction in their home, there's tinction in your home. They dress like sluts, you dress like sluts. They don't pray at the table, you don't pray at the table. They don't read their Bible at the table and have a family devotional, you don't read your Bible and have a family devotional. Their kids can't bow their heads, and pray and keep their hands to themselves, your kids can't do that. So, why should they go to your church? Why? What's the difference? There's got to be a difference. When non-Christians come into your home, they should see a difference, a significant difference. This is different, and it's different in a peaceful, loving, fruitful way. And I would like this in my home. What's the difference? It's Jesus and our church. Great. We'll go there. People will go places that are different. They'll enroll their kids in soccer camps. They'll enroll their kids in hunting classes, they will buy tutors for their children, they'll enroll their kids for a swimming lesson, they'll join social clubs, they will do things to make a difference. And if your life and your family is different because of Jesus Christ, they will do it. But if it's not, why should they? I'm a swimming teacher. I've been teaching kids to swim for five years and not one of them can swim. Would you like to join my swimming class? What's the response? I'm a Christian. I've been raising children. My children don't do any better than yours at school. Their behavior is no different from yours and my marriage is no different from yours. Would you like to become a Christian? Why should I? That's very important, isn't it? We want to be different. So prayer. Prayer. Like all ministries, prayer, our children should be bathed in prayer. I have, Eleanor and I had friends who were Christians and he was teaching school and I was teaching school and we used to do things socially together. His name was David and Shirley Sneller and we would talk about family, we really respected them. They were the same age as we were, but they were ahead of the game because they had been raised in a conservative Christian home, both of them. And we were talking about what made their family life different. And they said, well, you know, one of the things I can remember is I can remember, you know, I had a desk in my room, but I would come down from doing my homework and take a glass of water or something. And I would look over in the dining room table And there would be my mom and dad praying. And they had a sheet of paper with all our names on it. And at night, before they went to bed, they would spend some time on the dining room praying, praying for each other. And Shirley said, you know, we've never shared that story. That happens, doesn't it? You'll be talking and all of a sudden you'll find out something about your husband or wife you didn't know. And she said, I can remember getting up at night as a very small child and going down the hall to go to the bathroom. and I passed my parents' bedroom and I could hear mumbling and I looked in and they were both on their knees on the side of the bed and they were calling out each child by name and praying for us. Well that's important, isn't it? That's great modeling, isn't it? But you know if praying for your children only That's all you had to do. If that would do the trick, everybody would have Christian children at the top of their class preparing for the mission field, wouldn't they? So I'm going to give each of you a bookmark. You can use this during your daily Bible reading. And on the one side it says, seven things to pray for my children. So each day when you do your daily Bible reading, you will pray for one of those. Now when you get to the end, you flip it over. Seven things to pray for myself. Now the ministry of intercession is very important, it's biblically based, and it does have an impact, especially on those who are cooperating with the prayer. The ministry of supplication, though, has an even greater impact. That's praying for yourself when it's based on the word of God. You have a neighbor and you want him to come to church, and so you pray for him every day. God will convict him about coming to church. At the same time, you have been convicted about not being faithful in Sunday morning attendance, so every day you pray, Jesus help me be faithful in Sunday morning attendance. You'll get more bang for your buck out of that prayer, won't you? It's just natural, listen to me. So, don't just pray for your children, be sure and pray for yourself and your role as a parent. That's very important. That's very important. So we pray. Pray. Relationship. Discipline should be a blip on the screen. One of the things I have here on drawing near to your child is how to draw near to your child through play and affection. Now, submission to authority makes that possible. Why does McDonald's have an area protected by plexiglass as if it was a biohazard where children can play? Because they know you can't take your daughter to Sasha's teahouse. They know you can't take your son to Baba's BBQ, where the men go. They know that you're rebellious, restless children who can't keep their hands to themselves, that if they make that area screened off like that, you could go in with a girlfriend or A guy or man, you can take your children there in the morning so your wife can sleep in. And they can act out all their aggressions. They can scream and run and climb. They can try to break that stuff, and it won't break. They can throw themselves into big pools of urine-soaked plastic balls and swim around in them and jump and scream and do those things. And on the other side of that, you can have a cup of coffee, can't you? Now, that's too bad, isn't it? That's not having a relationship. That's like parents who say they take their kids to the park and this is how they take their kids to the park. They take their kids to the park like they take their dog to the park. They sit on a bench or something and they watch their children act out all their aggression and shout and try to break things and throw things and they just try to keep that behavior contained. And then they have to say, oh no, now it's time. What time is it? You've been dreading it the whole time. You have to walk over to the swing and say, time to go home. Are they going to scream? Are they going to run away? Are they going to throw something at you? You don't know what's going to happen, but you don't know it's good. Those activities are not relationship building. That's how one-year-olds play. Parents who get their one-year-olds to play, how do they play? You put them both on the floor and they do independent play, don't they? Unfortunately, many parents are stuck, socially, with their children as one-year-olds. Because they're not going with their child to Sasha's tea house, and then walking around, and talking, and visiting, and then having that fun little tea party, and talking, and then having a little treat, and then walking around and doing a little shopping and visiting together, because their children have no self-control. So they do independent play. Don't do that to your child. You're cheating your child. Discipline your child. Give them some basic social skills so that you can draw near to them through play and affection. You can play a board game without one of the children having a temper tantrum and throwing the pieces and walking away. You can play catch. You can do things with them knowing when it's time to go. They will thank you and it will be time to go. So established. Friday night was family night with Eleanor and I. Saturday night was date night. I came home and sat down for dinner. All children were responsible to be involved in a sit down dinner with the family. And we talked in complete sentences and ate with utensils, not like cavemen. We were involved in areas of success in their life, but also in fun. Sam would say to me, Dad, you know, you and I are best buds, aren't we? I'd say, that's right, son. Friends to the end. We took family vacations together. I had devotionals with the children. I prayed with them. When I would run errands, I would always, if any kids were there, I'd take them with me. Run an errand, stop for a little treat. Have ice cream. Have cookie. talk, visit, then go on home. So, work on the relationship. Do your children have to misbehave fathers to get your attention? I've been in homes where when it's the father's day off, he's back there at the computer, playing a computer game, cruising the internet, trying to find out what deal leases are going to be open, bidding, you know, for a shotgun or a bow on What do you bid on? Amazon? eBay? eBay, on eBay. Checking out different things and then he goes back and he loads some shotgun. He's doing all this stuff and then he goes out and works in the yard. And his children are just running around the house. And every once in a while he comes in and shouts at them. Tells them to quit doing things or yells at them for breaking something. And he said, yeah, I had a nice day with the kids today. You can have a nice day with the kids. You're like one-year-olds involved in independent play. So work hard, man, at developing a relationship with your child. How many of you men have discretionary lunches? In other words, people don't make a decision about where you eat your lunch. It's discretionary. Do you have discretionary lunch? Do you have to eat on site? So you have discretionary lunch. Like you can come out to IHOP, can't you? Sure. How many men here, if they wanted for lunch to go to IHOP for lunch, could go to IHOP for lunch? How many? They could do that. Okay. How many of you men have eaten lunch at school with your children? I did that every Friday. Every Friday. My secretary marked out lunch. Sorry, Pastor John has a Friday appointment. He's staying in a Friday appointment. And I would go on campus and eat lunch with my children. That establishes a relationship. And I would bring them McDonald's Happy Meal. And they would get to share their french fries. Do you think they were popular? And at our schools, after lunch, they would go out on the playground. And I would go out on the playground. And with my daughters, I would play tetherball with them or walk. With my son, I would get the football, the soccer ball, and all his friends would get it from the other end of the field. I would kick it as high as I could and they would catch it and bring it back to me. You think my son was popular? I was his scout, DIN leader. All the other DIN leaders were women. Well, the boys in my DIN, we had a great time. They had a man for DIN leaders. So, relationship is, in fact, a stroke. Proverbs 20, 30 says, strikes that wound scar away evil, and strokes reach to the innermost parts. Proverbs 20, 30. Give them a stroke. A stroke, when you give a child discipline, means it comes up over your shoulder and comes down and lands on the buttocks. There's nothing there. No bones, no joints, no fiber, very few nerve endings. Nothing is important there. No one knows why you have that. But God created it so that you could safely spank a child and try to condition a son. We'll talk about that. So here we go. Eleanor had a friend and she would say, you know, I've been trying this spanking thing. It's just not working. My daughter won't stay in bed. So, Eleanor was on the phone, and she said to her, OK, put the phone on the counter, put your hand by the phone, and lift your hand, show me what it sounds like. And Eleanor heard this. Well, Eleanor said, no, it's not hurting. And she said, really? It would hurt. And Eleanor said, yes! Yes! So she got up and she went like this, and she said, oh, that kind of hurts. Eleanor said, let's try this. Put your hand right on the corner. counting, bring your arm up and bring it down really hard. I'm not going to do it because this hurts. And her girlfriend went, and I said, that's it. No child will exchange getting out of bed for receiving one, two or three of those. And within a week, that time was so smooth. Time to go to bed. Child went to bed. Let's pray. Child prays. Read the story. Let's pray. Now let mom pray for you again. Pray for you. Now give kisses. Now kisses. Now that, you can have a relationship with that child, can't you? And that child can develop some wisdom and life skills about praying, can't they? But only because the child submits directly. So it's a short-term conflict for a long-term relationship building. short-term conflict for a long-term relationship building. So, and confidence. Express confidence when you do this. I know parents who say, I just hate spanking my children. It hurts me more than it hurts them. It didn't hurt me. I wasn't happy. Are you happy when your child gets a penicillin shot when they have strep throat or when your child has their polio shot and they cry. Are you happy? Are you happy that they're crying? No. Are you happy that they're not going to be paralyzed for the rest of their life? Yes. Do you make a decision not to get your children's vaccinations because it makes them unhappy? No. That is discipline. Be confident. I would tell my children. Now, I don't have to be at work till eight in the morning. We can do this all night. It is no skin off my back. It's good for you. You need it. I would rather us be playing Parcheesi But if you want to scream and pout and kick the Parcheesi pieces because you don't win, then we can get spankings until you apologize to your brothers and sisters and give your mom a kiss and play Parcheesi with, as a family. So you just decide. They're playing, you're out, you're back here getting a spanking. How long do you want this to go on? And children won't. It just didn't bother me. Is it a good wisdom and life skill when things don't go your way to throw things and shout and walk away? Is that a good wisdom and life skill? Will that help them have a better marriage? Is that a good wisdom and life skill? You have an argument with your spouse and you get mad and throw something and walk away. Are you going to have a good marriage? No, you're not. Maybe you've never learned self-control as a child. Maybe it's going to be harder to teach your child self-control because you don't model it. Well, you just work on two things at once. You can do that. You're a grown person. Is it a good wisdom and life skill to quit something when it doesn't work out the way you want the first time? Is that a good wisdom and life skill? Will people do good at your work every time they try something and if it doesn't work out the way they want it to the first time, they quit? Are they going to do well? No, that's not a good wisdom and life skill. Don't let your children develop it. Is it a good wisdom and life skill that if you are not going to win, that you just quit and walk away? Is that a good wisdom in life skill? Are you kids ever going to do well in sports and education and social life if every time, once they see the end coming up and they are not going to be the winner, that they just walk away? No, that's not a good wisdom in life skill. Where are they going to learn that? Playing chutes and ladders with the family. Is this a good wisdom in life skill? To be angry at the success and achievement of your brother and sister? Is that a good wisdom in life skill? When are they going to learn to do that? Playing Uno, playing Pichichi, playing shoots and ladders on family night. That's when they learn to do that. Yeah, but if I'm playing shoots and ladders with my kids, I can't be out hitting golf balls. I can't be riding my motorcycle. I can't be on my dirt bike. I can't be checking to see if my corn distributor is working on my deer lease. I can't be siding in my boat. That's right, you can't. That's right, you can't. Because you're a father. And if you wanted to spend your evenings doing those things, then you shouldn't have had children. You finish your lunch at work. You've got another half day at work to go. And you're not at your desk. You're siding in your bowl. You're siding in your 30-ounce six. You're checking your dearlies. You're reloading your shotgun shells. You're riding your four-wheel. Is your boss happy? Is your boss happy? And so he says to you, what's going on? And you say, well, those are things I've got to do. He says, well, then you're free to do them. But you're not going to work for me, right? You can't have it both ways, can you, ma'am? So if you're going to have children, you come home and fulfill your responsibilities. And when they're in bed, you minister to your wife. And when she's in bed, you're free. I had a friend, Guillermo, he was a structural engineer, and when they would get close to finishing a contract, like building a bridge or something like that, there was a penalty, a severe penalty, for finishing late, and there were great rewards for finishing early. So the supervisor would put their feet to the fire and really make them burn the bed down to oil, because they all wanted their bonuses. And so Guillermo was having trouble at home, because he was coming home at 10 o'clock at night. And I said, well, yeah, I can understand that, Guillermo. I mean, how do you get in and out of that building at 10 o'clock at night when everybody's gone? He said, well, I can swipe myself in and out. You know, the place is open 24-7. There's always cleaning people in there. There's always, you know, computer techs in there and people in there. It's a big 13-story building. And I said, well, what time do you get to work? Well, I get to work about 9. So you're putting in about 12 hours of work, you know, during this crunch time, aren't you? Because you have to go home. And I said, well, here's what I do. When I have to put in a 12-hour day, I get up at 3 in the morning and I'm at work by 4. Then I'm home for dinner. Because you see, Guillermo, we're the men. Be a man, Guillermo. Man up. Don't make your wife and children pay when you have to work hard. So when I have to put in a long day, my alarm clock goes off at 3 in the morning. I'm up. behind my desk, whatever I have to do by four, and I put in my 12, 13 hour day and I'm home for dinner. Is that hard? Yeah, but you're a man, right? So you do it. So that's important. Express confidence and take responsibility. Express confidence and take responsibility. Now let's look at some don'ts. This is a little easier. We're going to have some doubts. I don't have them written up here. Oh yes, I do. Anger. Don't discipline in anger. What could be clearer? James 1.20. The anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God. Anger. So you don't discipline in anger. Eleanor would tell you ladies that if you're waiting until you're angry to discipline your child, you're waiting too long. Your children should all, it is instruct, discipline, instruct, restore. And your children should always know that the reason they're being disciplined is for their success, not because you are angry. Do Ezra 7, 9. Do not be eager in your hearts to be angry. Anger resides at the bosom or the hearts of fools. So don't be foolish. You don't train your children not to be foolish by doing foolish things. The teacher stands up behind the blackboard and says, OK, test tomorrow. And your child says, that's worked, right? That really oral sex, right? That's what that word means, isn't it? Oral sex. It's a common word you use now. cool men, men in the church, men, men's men, they're profane. They shout out the word that means oral sex, you know, just like it was the word pancake. So your child says that. Is your child going to do well in school? No, your child... I'll tell you about Fishbanks. I was the Navigator Protestant Chaplain at Texas A&M University, and the Corps of Cadets is a military school, which is attached to Texas A&M University has about 2,000 cadets in it, and profanity is like the heartbeat of their culture. Just about every normal thing that a person does during the day, those cadets have a profane word that they teach the young cadets to use instead of it. And I had a Bible study in there, and the guys were trying to help me understand that, you know, you just have to do that. Otherwise, you do push-ups all day, and you run laps all day. That's just the life. You have to do it. And I was imbibing it. And I heard about this kid named Fish Banks, who didn't swear. And they said he's really beefed up because every time an upperclassman asked him to do something, and he uses the normal word for it instead of the curse word or the profane word, he would make him do push-ups. He said, I want to meet this fish man. So I met him, and he was an African-American young man about 5'10". Well, I guarantee you, in 1975, in the Corps of Cadets Office of Corps of the Military, being a 5'10 African-American man in a conservative southwest Texas town was not an easy road to hoe. And then you put on top of it that you will not swear to that white upperclassman. They were making his life miserable. So I said, Fishbanks, that's what the freshmen were called, Fishbanks, tell me, was your dad a minister? He said, no. I said, well, are you a Christian? He said, no. And I said, but you don't swear? He said, the last thing my dad told to me when I left for school was only ignorant people swear. Don't let anybody make you ignorant. So he did swear. So I told the man in my ministry, you're going to be in Bible study with me. You're not only not going to be ignorant, but you're not going to be disobedient to the word of God. Turn with me, gentlemen, to Ephesians, would you please? Dan, I'll ask you to read. And if you would read so everyone could hear, please. Turn with me to Ephesians 5, verse 3 and 4, please. Would you read that for everyone here, please? But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you as is proper among saints, that there be no filthiness, nor foolish talk, nor crude joking, which are out of place. But instead, let there be thanksgiving. So don't do that, ma'am. and say, you know that new supervisor? He gave us a new job. Man, that oral sex was me. That's all intercourse up. That's what that stuff means, isn't it? So you don't do that. Be a man. I mean, a fish man can do it. A grown Christian man. with an education can do it. So, do it. And I have been impressed by the profane Christian. He always seemed a little ignorant to me. So, don't do it in anger and don't swear. Do not resort to punishment. Punishment carries with it the connotation of getting even. We are disciplining. We are disciplining. A coach disciplines his players to win. A prison warden disciplines his inmates punitively. We're going to look at that Sunday morning in Hebrews 12, Punishment and Discipline, so I won't get into that right now. But it's very important for us to understand it. We don't, oh, you stupid child, smack. You're just like your father. You can't do anything right. You broke that cup. And you're angry because the child broke the cup. Well, no. You break cups, don't you? So you wouldn't struggle. Sweetheart, why are you going to get disciplined? I broke the cup. No. Mommy has broken cups. Daddy has broken cups. You are more important than any cup we own. You are a precious child. Why are you being disciplined? I crawled up on the counter to get a cookie. That's right, you did. And what has Debbie said? No. That's right. That's a no. That's two strokes. Now put your hands on your cheeks. They get two strokes. Then what do you do? Instruct, discipline, then what? Instruct. Instruct. Okay, calm down. Why did you get the spankings? I disobeyed. Yes, say it. I disobeyed Debbie quickly the first time. That's good. You're a good boy. Give him a kiss. Take him over to mommy. Mommy, look what Hezekiah can do. I can obey mommy. Give him a cookie. Give him a kiss. Restore him. Discipline is synonymous with training for success. That's what it's all about. We're always thinking about that. We discipline our children, not so we don't have headaches, not so they don't embarrass us, not so they don't bring home bad report cards. Those are all the fallout, the positive fallout of discipline. But we're always training our children to be successful. They don't know how to be two. You do. They don't know how to be three. You do. They don't know how to prepare for school. You do. They don't know that children who goof off at school and don't do well end up in dead-end jobs. You do. You know those things. You prepare them for success. They don't know that children with poor social skills who can't function with their brothers and sisters and their mom and dad have bad marriages. You do. You know those things. You prepare them for success. We don't set unenforceable rules. Remember the woman in the grocery store? I'll leave you. She won't leave her. I hear that all the time. We were going to the fair and our children were fighting on the way. I said to them, okay, if you guys want to, you just sit in the car and I'll go to the fair. Eleanor kind of looked at me. She never corrects me in front of the children. We'll talk about it afterwards. Remember guys, she can be your helpmate if you don't let her help you. So she would talk to me about it in private, but I caught the little look and I said, children, I want to apologize to you. Mommy, I would never leave you. I just lost my temper and that was wrong. I want to apologize. Can you guys think of when you've apologized to your children? Are you the Pope? Are you Jesus Christ? You never do anything wrong? When's the last time you apologized to your children for doing something wrong? How are your children going to learn to apologize if they don't see you apologizing? Mom, when's the last time? Your children saw you apologize to dad for losing your temper. Dad, when's the last time your kid saw you at the dinner table apologize to mom for letting her down, not coming through on something? Oh, they don't learn to do it if they don't see you do it. So you apologize to them. And then I say, but it is foolish for mom and dad to have budgeted money that we could spend on something else and give up our day just for you to go to the county fair and you guys be fighting with each other. That's just foolish behavior and we know the solution for that. So if there's any more fighting, I'll just place you all on the back seat and we'll just go down and spank you all until we can get it over with. So that's how it's going to work. And if we get out to the fair, and you guys start arguing and fighting and pushing, we'll all come back to the car, we'll open the door, you can all get on the back seat, we'll thank you all, and then we'll start over again. But it's going to take up part of the day. So don't threaten with unenforceable things. If you've told your children no TV, and you are going to leave them, your teenage children, for the day in the home, I suggest that you tell them that they can watch TV that day. That's really tough. God doesn't tempt us beyond our power to resist. 1 Corinthians 10, 13. We shouldn't do that either. If you have told your children you cannot listen to secular rock music, it's going to be really tough for them to go to any store in America. So don't tell them that. Don't set unenforceable rules. It's going to be tough to go to any sporting event in America. You're going to all live like Amish people on farms. There's no electricity if you do that. So don't vary the standards based on the environment. One of the things my in-laws had to understand was that while we were with them, if the grandchildren misbehaved, that I would take the grandchildren back into the bathroom and spank them. If they intervened on that, if they contradicted on that, then we wouldn't be able to visit in their home. We were consistent. Is it a good wisdom and life skill to act differently to family members than you do in other social relationships? No, that's not good wisdom and life skill. In marriage relationships, I'll tell you guys, if you treated any woman in this church like you treated your wife, you would not be welcome in any home, or in any Sunday school class, or any sanctuary in the city. interrupting her, raising your voice at her, walking away from her, talking sarcastically to her, mocking her. And I tell the ladies, if you treated the men in this church like you treat your husband, correcting him, laughing at him, gossiping about him, walking away and slamming the door, you wouldn't be welcome in any home. Why is it that we give ourselves permission to treat those people we love the most the worst? Why is that? And while we're very nice... Now pastor, you've seen this, haven't you? You've seen, you've had couples in the church who, when they are in public, they are just so nice, but then you find out to people, everybody likes them at work, everybody likes them at school, but then when they get home, they're just evil to each other. Why is that? Don't do that. So we teach our children that even when they're at home, or at grandma and grandpa's, that they behave nicely. And we do that so they'll have successful marriages. Don't be set up. What do I mean by that? Don't be played off by one child. If Eleanor said no to a child and the child came to me and asked the same question, they would get double spanking for that. And then Eleanor would spank them. If Eleanor spanked a child and the child ran to me for a hug, they wouldn't get it. I would send them back to their mother to hug them. And after the spanking during the restoration time, if the child refused to receive a hug, and give a kiss, and give a kiss, they will give another spanking for that. Because the Bible says it's a sin to reject your parent's affection. We're going to look at that. Is this a good wisdom in Lyceo? If you have a disagreement with your spouse, to withhold affection and use the silent treatment to punish them? Are you going to have a good marriage? If that's your lifestyle? Are you going to have a good marriage? No. Is it a good wisdom and life skill to overcome your emotions and be restorative in your relationships and affectionate after an argument? Is that a good wisdom and life skill? Well, give it to your children. Give it to your children. So don't be played off one to the other. Be on the same team. Don't discipline all of the children for one child's infraction. A child can learn to rule in tyranny. through dysfunctional behavior. Okay, it's game night, what game are we going to play? Everybody knows that little Jezebel, if she doesn't get her way, she's going to throw a fit and the daddy's going to say, well, if we can't get along, none of us will play. Is that a good wisdom in life skill? To learn to be manipulative with your emotions so that you always get your way? Your kids are playing, you're playing pick cheesy. Everybody knows little Jezebel, if she doesn't get her color, she's going to throw a fit and then nobody gets to play. Everybody knows that she's going to get to pick where we have ice cream after family. Everybody, you know, because by her dysfunctional behavior, she rules as a tyrant over her brothers and sisters. Is that fair? No. So you don't say, OK, we just won't go to the park. OK, we just won't have ice cream. OK, we just won't play games. No, you take that child. You separate that child out. You instruct. You discipline. You instruct. You restore. That child comes back and gives kisses to each of their brothers and sisters and to their mother. And on the way back, I say, little Jezebel, I want you to know something. If you, by sullen behavior, if you cast a cloud over family night, we're going to go back. So let's see the smile. That's good. See the smile. Is this a good wisdom and life skill? If you're in a marriage relationship and you don't get your way, you say, OK, all right, we'll go eat barbecue. OK. Is there something wrong? No. No. Nothing's wrong. What would you like to eat? Oh, you picked the restaurant. You get to decide what we eat. This is your deal. This is for you. It's your turn. Well, what would you like to do after this? Oh, nothing. Honey, this is your night. You picked it. You want to go on a movie? We're going to do it your way. You decided that. Let's go out. Now, are you going to have a good marriage if you act like that? Are you? Is that a good wisdom in a life skill? So don't let your children act like that on family night. Teach them differently. Don't do that. I'm seeing some wrinkled brows. We might need to switch to the Mary seminar here. Number six. All for one. Don't discipline all the children for one child's infraction. That's very important. Very important. We had one exception to that, and that was fighting. If I went up in the playroom, we had four children, and two of the girls were fighting over dolls, and Sam was playing with his Hot Wheels, Becca was doing homework, and they were all, and they were saying, I wouldn't try to sort it out. Everybody on the couch, Thank you all. Now you all give each other kisses. Any more fighting? Same things happen. Because for two reasons. One, I never try to sort out this fight. Because some children are masters at the little prod, the little prod, the little prod, and then the other child explodes because they're not deceitful. Then who gets in trouble? The child who explodes. Is that a good wisdom and life skill? See it on the football field, don't you? Who gets the flag? The second guy always gets the flag, don't you? But if he's self-controlled, he won't get the flag. Guys know what I'm talking about, don't they? So, I'm going to try to sort that out. The other thing is that the answer to the question in our house, am I my brother's keeper, is yes. Is it a good wisdom and life skill to get enjoyment by watching two of your brothers and sisters fight? In fact, some older children will goad their younger brother and sister into fighting. So you can't sort all that out. I just spank them all. So I'd like to tell you three stories. I'm downstairs. Or I think we're going to end up with four here. I'm downstairs. It's a Saturday morning. And I hear the kids fighting. And I go up there, and it is that scenario I take in. So I put them all on the couch. I instruct them. They've all got their hands on their cheeks. I spank them all. And I tell you, that last one who gets those spanks is really suffering. So a lot of times, they'll tussle for position. Let's just get this over with. Then what do I do? I come, discipline them. What do I do? I instruct them. Then I get them all up. I kiss them all, and they all have to kiss each other. And you have to watch out, because Sam would do this. Kiss you. Now, tell your sister you love her and kiss her. And you would be going like this. You would give her a real wet, sloppy kiss right on the cheek. Fast forward. I hear some arguing. I go upstairs. I start upstairs. I say, where's the wooden spoon, sweetheart? And I have wooden spoons all over the house, in every diaper bag, you know, in every room. I find the wooden spoon there by my desk. And as I go up the stairs to the playroom, I can hear Sam. Now, no, Becca. No, no, here, you take this. No, Richie, no, stop, stop. And I get there, and I open the door to the playroom, and there's Sam playing Barbie dolls. And they're all sitting around in a circle. Yes, Tammy? I said, was somebody fighting here? And Lizzie goes, no, no playing Barbie's. I said, OK. Because that's objective, isn't it? The objective is that when your kids get older, they don't sit by idling while their brother and sister goes down the tube. Who's going to stand with your brother, with your children, when they lay you in their grave? When they lay you in your grave? They're brothers and sisters, aren't they? Who's going to go sort the stuff out? Now who's going to take care of each other and look out for the weaker sibling? It's going to be their brothers and sisters, ain't it? So you want to prepare them for that. You want to prepare them for that. So we would discipline everybody for that. Now let's fast forward. It was my oldest daughter's senior year and the constable lived across the street from us, and he came over and said, Pastor, I've talked to the principal, and he gave me a list of kids, and your child is one of them. You know, every year after homecoming, they have a bonfire down by the lake. And I said, yeah. And I said, well, this thing's really gotten out of control. Drug use has been introduced, alcohol. There's some bad kids from other schools down there. There's been some fights. So we're going around and we're telling the parents who have the good kids not to let them go to the bonfire. Keep them home that night. And we're asking you, we're trusting you not to mention this to anybody because we're going to swarm that place and put an end to this. We're going to pick up all the guys who've been selling drugs to our high school kids and we're going to pick up a bunch of the gang members and they're all going to be at the same place at the same time. And get the kids who are drinking underage, We're going to clean up the school in one night. But we're going to ask you to do two things. Don't let your daughter go. Don't tell her why. Well, that was a compliment to me, wasn't it? So I explained to her, sweetheart, you won't be able to go to the bonfire. You can have some friends over for family time if you want to. But I can't go to that one. She was incensed. Could I tell her why? No. I said, Diane, you're just going to have to trust me on this one. She said, oh, I know what's going on. My English teacher told me about separation anxiety. And I'm going away to Stephen F. Austin, and you're having separation anxiety, and you're afraid to let me go. This is all in your subconscious. Thank you, Ms. Swanson, English 4. Appreciate that. Sweetheart, you can think whatever you want, but you can't go. Well, this is a family car. It's a family car. I'm 17. I'm going to go. And she walked out and slammed the door. And I said, well, what are you going to do? And I said, well, sweetheart, I'm not going to get out in a shouting match with my daughter in the neighborhood. But tomorrow, I'm going to take the car down and change all the locks on all the cars, because they're not family cars. They belong to you and me. And she's going to lose her driving privileges. She's going to have to like that. Well, we're talking, and I hear, and Sam was upstairs, and he's running down the stairs, and he's got his Bible with him, and he goes out the door. And our front door has two long narrow windows, one on each side, so you can see out. And the blinds were open, and I saw him catch up to his sister, and he begins talking to her. And then they sit down on the hood of the car and continue talking. And Sam's got his Bible open and he's talking to her. And Becca's talking. And pretty soon she has her head on his shoulder. And they're praying. And then he comes in, doesn't say a thing, goes upstairs. And she comes in and says, Dad, I think that you are wrong. I think I should be able to go to the bonfire. I've been looking forward to this for four years. It is separation anxiety. But how I treated you was wrong. It was not honoring you. And I'm not going to the bonfire and I want to apologize for the things I said to you. I said, that's fine, I gave her a kiss. Now am I happy with that? Yeah, I'm happy with that. There's no discipline to affect for that. Because the answer to the question is, are you your brother's keeper? It's yes. But your son does not save your daughter from a bad decision when they are allowed to fight for the first 15 years of their life, and draw lines down the side of the back seat where they can't cross, and poke each other, and argue about who gets the first piece of pie, and demand that every birthday they get a present, even though it's not their birthday. They are going to celebrate the achievements, and every time One of the children wins something, they're resentful, and they have to have their little recognition too, because they can't rejoice over their brother or sister. You don't get there from here, do you? You don't get to Billings by going northwest, do you? So you get to Alaska. You don't get to Alaska by going south. You don't get there from here. Well, I'm going to fast forward. My son was involved in a boating accident with some boys in his Bible study his sophomore year of college. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. They were out skiing and there was an accident. But my son dove in the water to save a young man who had been run over by a boat and swam to the shore. But when he got to the shore, it was the opposite shore from where the boat docks were. So he had to wait for somebody to come get him. And the boy's face had been hit by a propeller and been killed instantly. And his whole face cavity and brain were all exposed. But my son told me he just didn't want there not to be a body. So he put a towel over the boy and he sat there and he waved the flies off him and sat there next to that boy. Until the park ranger came. And the park ranger came and said, there's no alcohol, there's no drugs, these are really good kids. Your son is a hero. But I have to warn you, Reverend, man, I think you should come get your son. This is the absolute worst thing I have ever seen in my life as a park ranger. So I drove and got him. And we came home. And we just kind of let Sam spend the next two months at home, just kind of to recover from that. That's a lot for a young man to experience. And his sister was a senior in college. And she was involved in Campus Crusade. She had met the boy she was going to marry. All the senior activities for the clubs and the campus organizations all happened in the spring, don't they? So this was her time to shine. And she came home every weekend. Came home Friday, stayed till Sunday night to be with her brother. Now, you don't get there by allowing your children to grow up fighting and arguing and poking and calling each other names. Big shape. Big nose. You don't get there from that point, do you? Early, you discipline your children, and you teach them that their best friend in all of the world is their brother and sister. And you don't allow any fighting, and you don't allow any competition or anything. It's a loving Christian family. You don't use isolation for discipline. The Koreans found they can reduce a full kernel of marine, the most disciplined fighting organism in the world, to a blubbering baby through sensory deprivation. It's a very cruel form of punishment and even torture. So you don't have your children stand in the corner You don't have your children go to a dark room and sit. You don't sit them out in the garage. You don't isolate them from the family. Because they're not alone. The world, the flesh, and the devil are there with them. See, spanking intensifies the relationship, doesn't it? Instruct, discipline, instruct, and restore like the fatherly, barnacle son. Isolation breaks the relationship, doesn't it? and causes bitterness and hurt feelings. Is that a good wisdom and life skill? Every time you have a man who has an argument with his wife, he goes and sleeps in another room. Is that a good wisdom and life skill? Is that going to help their marriage? Isolation? Every time the wife is mad at the husband, she goes and slams the door, she shuts him off from her life. Is that going to help? Are you going to have a good marriage doing that? No, you're not. So don't do it to your children. So you want to emphasize the relationship and not use isolation. You want to use, I tell parents, you never should have to exceed five strokes with the wooden scope. If you're having to exceed that, you're either not giving hard enough stroke or you're not giving proper instruction and restoration because there's bitterness involved. Number nine, micromanage. We live in more of a technological age with on-off switches. You know when I get this in Africa, which is many parts of Africa are still in the agricultural age, they understand organic growth and nurturing. And they understand if you micromanage a plant, you'll kill it. My daughters love to garden. I would go out there and help them garden. But you know one thing they have to understand is you can plant that seed, and when those little seedlings come out, you can weed around them a little bit. And you can thin it out a little bit. But a lot of times, besides watering it, you kind of have to leave them alone, don't you? Because if you keep fooling with that plant, you're going to damage it. And so we have to take a big picture here. We're not going to micromanage our kids with about 100 on and off switches all over their back. No, we have to think big picture. School, church, family, social life, be successful. And there are a few very broad principles that we want to carry out. And I'll be teaching you those in a minute. They're very broad. that we want to help our children with, but we also want them to be able to be who they are. I like to use Megan. When Megan was a baby, they called her Cuddles, because all she liked to do was be in her brothers and sisters lap, and we were afraid she was never going to learn how to walk. She had an older brother and sister who liked to carry her and play with her, and they called her Cuddles. Well, when she got into school, And when she was in elementary school, she was Miss Socialite. Back in kindergarten, or first grade, for a homeroom deal, when the parents come in, each child had to write a book with three pages. And her book was, I Am Happy, I Am Pink, I Am Pinky. Because she loved pink, and she was all feminine, Now she gets into high school and she learns to like art. Now she's taking sculpting for her art for project which she got an A for. She did a bust of my head. But she also takes debate. I'm not sure you want to take debate. Oh, she loved debate. and choir, and all of a sudden she was this very competitive, artistic, vocal president of the Christian Student Union. I thought, wow, where did that come from? Then she goes away to college and gets involved in a campus organization. And I said, well, what are you doing? She says, well, I'm in charge of sports and athletics. Where did that come from? I mean, we had helped her be athletic. She knew how to swim. She knew how to ride a horse. She knew how to play volleyball, and she knew how to play soccer, and she knew how to play baseball. But now all of a sudden I'm getting these pictures of her, and she said, yeah, the activity for this week, we're all going caving. And I see my pretty pink social life crawling through mud in some caves in East Texas. Where did that come from? Then she graduates and goes to Asia as a missionary. Where did that come from? So I wasn't micromanaging who she was and what she was going to become. What I was doing, though, was training her for success in whatever that might be. Does that make sense? I was not micromanaging. I was creating real boundaries and successful skills. But I allowed them to become whatever they wanted to be. My son wanted to be a physical therapist, and he liked history, and he went off to the University of Texas, and that's what he was going to be. His roommate across the floor was an ROTC and training to be a tanker. And Sam told me, oh, I was kind of interested in the military. Well, we have military history in our family. I didn't serve in the military because I wasn't drafted. Not my father, my grandfather, my great-grandfather had all been served in the military because they had been drafted. So I said, Sam, you know your grandfather, he was in the Army, but I really don't know how to give you advice for this. To tell you the truth, Sam, you just never struck me as the military kind of guy. But what you ought to do is go over to the ROTC building and go around and visit Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard. and see kind of the atmosphere and the personnel and decide. So, he tells you, well, I changed my major to military science and history. I've joined the Air Force, ROTC. Where did that come from? Because you know, he was a success. But he was a success. I didn't micromanage him, but we did give him the skills to do that. And he was, he was an air maintenance officer, served in Malib and Afghanistan, and has since separated from the Air Force, now works for a large multinational oil corporation. But where did that come from? Well, you know, I do the best I can, preparing my children for success, but I allow them to discern God's will. There is one God and one mediator between man and God, and it is not Reverend John S. Mayer. It is Jesus Christ. So, we don't micromanage. We let them grow up and become what God has called them to do without referencing the past. Don't reference the past. Proverbs 17.9. He who covers with transgression seeks love. He who repeats a matter alienates close friends. There's no purgatory, is there? When you stand before the judgment seat of Christ, Romans 8.1 says there's no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. You get to go to heaven. There's no purgatory. No penance. No shunning. And there shouldn't be any child raising. your relationship with your children. Well, no, I haven't been long enough yet. I don't want to talk to you yet. I'm not even sure you're my child. You just go away. It hasn't been long enough yet. I'm still mad. Is that a good wisdom in life skill? To teach your children to use shunning and purgatory of relationships to punish people? No, it's immediate restoration. Immediate. Well, may God bless the teaching of his holy word.