Father, we praise you that we can come to you. Thank you for all that you've done for us and for the Word of God, how it can pierce us and direct us and encourage us and convict us. I pray we'd allow it to do that even this morning, that it would assist us as we serve you in Jesus' name. Amen. Well, my name is John Lehman, and I'm privileged to teach this class, I guess you could call it, the seminar on conflict management. Now, if I could get a little involvement from you before we continue. What first comes to your mind when you hear that word conflict? What's the first thing that comes to your mind? Fun. Okay, what else comes to your mind? Argument. Family. Family. Someone else's family he meant. Okay. Fight, argument, family. Something else. Anger. Pride. Pride. Frustration. Frustration. Mom's going off. Did you say mom's going off or mom's going off? Yes. Yes. Okay. Now, so far, no one has used any positive statement about conflict. Go ahead. Opportunity to show Christ. Whoa! Okay, I'm done. You're dismissed. Isn't it amazing, in all seriousness... That's my boy. Amen. No, she said that. She said it was her thing. It's amazing, though, that conflict actually is a good thing. And all these statements are appropriate. You're right. There ends up being arguments and frustrations and On and on we go. But conflict gives us the opportunity to show Christ. It gives us the opportunity to resolve. Matthew 18 wouldn't have been put in scripture if God didn't know we were going to have some conflicts. And He knew that really from the beginning. I mean, right away the first two boys had a fight. And right away even the first husband and wife had a fight. and you think of conflict, and that, in and of itself, can be used to bring glory to God. And use it in that capacity. I trust as we go through our little syllabus today, that it will help you in that regard. When you think of conflict, when you think of frustration or anger or whatever it is that you bring into that negative side of conflict, or you think resolution. We must resolve. We've gotten to this point. We can't go on forever like we are. We can't stop here. We're at an impasse. We've either turned our backs to each other in bed at night, we've either past like ships in the dark, we eat your breakfast at this point in this location, and someone else eats their breakfast at this point in this location, so we don't talk about it. Or whenever you get close to that topic, you kind of do that old detour, and you don't get there. Ephesians 4.15 tells us that we must follow this principle from God's Word, and that is that we must speak the truth in love. Now I'm sure you know as well as I do that anytime there is a conflict, anytime there is what was stated up here, anger, frustration, different details that come up, there is going to be what? Someone that's going to speak. And most of the time it's two people or more that are speaking. So we really don't have a problem speaking, do we? That usually happens. And most of the time, I think, people speak the truth. Even if they're seeking to get their way, even if, as was said, even if it's pride involved, I don't believe people are intentionally seeking to lie about what they're speaking. But where we really get wrong, where we really go off track, and what adds to, and what Why God put Proverbs 15-1, and the soft answer turns away wrath, is that where we fail is not the speaking, that we all do great. Speaking the truth, I say most of the time we're doing that. But the in love, how it's said, the inflection, the expression, the timing, all of that must be in appropriate manner. So, speak the truth in love is one of God's rules. In Ephesians 4, in verse 26, we also get another God's rule, and that is, let not the sun go down upon your wrath. Whatever version you want to read that in, if you want to go all the way into the Greek, it just says, don't go to sleep angry. That is the statement being said. Now, of course, we're in the 21st century, and so your head is hitting the pillow well after it's gotten dark. So if you want to get real literal, don't put your head on your pillow until you have resolved every conflict that you have. It may mean some of us need to wait to really go to sleep for a while. But whose rule are we following? God's rule. And then thirdly, let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, and basically the idea, in loneliness of mind, let each esteem the other better than themselves. So my goal is to make sure you know that you're better than I am. And every discussion that we have is intended to resolve and make this conflict in such a way that you know you're better than I am. Wow, if we would do that, we would really not have any arguments, would we? We wouldn't end up with frustrations or whatever the statement was. This all came very pointed to me. And I'm privileged to have some students from years gone by in here. And that's really special. And this happened when I was their teacher. So I've grown a little bit since then. As a newlywed, I remember being in our house, my wife and I, our apartment. And we had a little dog. And I was raising my voice. wanting my way, and speaking improperly. My wife was, of course, observing that and taking it, but what really spoke to me and just daggered my heart, and I'm glad the Lord daggered my heart early on so I could kind of pay attention, was the dog put his tail between his legs and walked out of the room. And you know, when we raise our voice, don't we do that to an animal? And they catch it because they don't have a soul. They really do wrong anyway, but that's just the way they're reared. But for my dog to walk out of the room when I raised my voice, I thought, what am I doing to my wife? What would I do to people who I raised my voice to? And that really struck me and convicted me. And I thought, that's what we all. So think about the next time you might raise your voice. How would that impact an animal? And if it impacted an animal, it sure shouldn't impact a person. We should be very careful of that. That was a reminder to me. So the question then that I believe all of us need to ask prior to getting into a discussion. We are wanting to resolve in a godly way. But to do so, I believe we need to again have some parameters, some statements that we must always follow. So first of all, am I telling the truth? Of course in Ephesians and in Proverbs, we're always to be telling the truth. But at the time when I want my way, or at the time when I'm seeking to get my direction, if I'm not careful, I may bend a little bit to convince you that my way is right. Convince you that I really have the handle on this. And so I must be careful. Am I telling the truth? So prior to any family discussion, am I telling the truth? your voice starts to raise, you start to have a little bit of anger developing, just make sure you're telling the truth. Secondly, am I trying to help or hurt the person? Seriously, sometimes discussions come because I was so offended by you, so the next time I'm going to sure get you. I've said I'm sorry first so many times, but the next time I'm not saying it. And so my statements are not to resolve, my statements are to hurt, and I hate to admit that. I'll shake my head on me, and you don't have to shake your head on you, but I know we all, because we're carnal, can be caught up in ourselves. So make sure we're trying to help that person. Third, is this the best time to say this? Am I aware of the best time to confront? Some people are great in the morning. And so you can solve all the issues, and who's in-laws you're going to go visit, and what you're getting for Christmas, and what color the curtains need to be, and what color that bedspread and the couch. And then others, morning is like, they're in morning, you know, that's just not a good time for them. So one's the positive and one's not so, not a good time to discuss something that's really important. Or vice versa, at night time. Some by 9.30 or 10 have become, you know, comatose. And then someone else has really risen to energize not the time to confront and discuss or right after work and you're hungry and she's frazzled and No, not the time to confront. So make sure you're taking all these rules in third or fourth. Am I utilizing the best words possible? you know, we can say some very hurtful words and we can say some very helpful words and between the two we convey totally two different messages and so be mindful of how you're speaking what kind of words you're saying and And then fifth, am I convinced God would have me say what I'm going to say? Well really we could probably put that at the top and take all the rest of the rules out of the way and that would guard us. But put all those into perspective and within the years of ministry and the privilege of working with people it's amazing that just these five little truths put on 3x5 cards put in different places like the dining table or like the bedroom or like the car, and anytime anything's coming up, just use this as a sieve or kind of a guide and just say, now, was that really meant to help? Was that really the best time to say this? And as we ask ourselves these questions, it'll focus our thoughts on making sure we're speaking properly. Yes, ma'am? I was just going to say, if I ask myself those questions, I'd never talk again. Well, in some ways, maybe that's good. No. But in many ways, just taking that moment can help us to, oh, was that really bad? You know what, I don't need to say it. There have been people, that brings up to mind, some people have, you know, email now is so easy to spit out and write out and sometimes really negative things can be stated. And a person wrote his email and I said, It wasn't so great. I said, just sit on it today, and if that's what you really want to say, send it out the next day. The next day, I'm sure glad I didn't send that out. And that could be kind of the way it could be with these questions. I'm sure glad I did not let that out. Because, you know, words let out. It's kind of like a feather pillow. You pop that pillow and the feathers go everywhere. It's like, oh no, wrong pillow. I shouldn't have knocked those feathers out. Well, that wind blew a bunch of them all over the place. You'll never get them back. So be mindful of that. So, ask those questions. Now, of course, once you're asking those questions or working through this, there's some guidelines that we must settle this conflict. We're going to have to work through this issue, whatever it is that you want to talk through. Otherwise, we do stay frustrated, or angry, or uncertain. And so first of all, don't discuss your problem. Just make this a guideline. Don't discuss your problem with other people who are not part of the problem. Well, that applies to teenagers, because if their friend is not part of the problem that they're having with their parents, then don't talk to your friend about it. Or don't talk to your teacher about it if they're not part of the problem. Now, on the side of counseling, if for some reason they wanted to go to someone to get some help, it would be wise to, of course, mention that to mom and dad or to husband and wife. I'm going to go talk to them about this. But to just go out there, don't talk to them if they're not part of the problem. I think also as parents we must be very careful that we're not, well I'm taller than he is and he probably doesn't understand those words, so we'll talk about this problem in front of Well, all of a sudden, Mikey is not hearing or feeling or sensing this love relationship that really should be there. So, if they're not part of the problem, then they shouldn't be part of hearing any of that. Secondly, deal with the present problem at hand, not any from the past. And we're going to look at forgiveness at the very end of this, but in a sense, that's where that applies. If you've forgiven someone for something, You should never bring it back in, because that's a promise you actually make, and we'll look at that a little bit later. So deal with the present problem, not any from the past, because if you solve all your issues before your head hits the pillow at night, if it's been solved, it's not an issue anymore, right? So if it's not an issue anymore, you can't bring it up again. That's an unfair approach. So don't talk about anything in the past that's been forgiven. Take care of what's today. What happened now? He just forgot. He was late. He didn't remind me. She didn't remember. Whatever the case is. But solve that. Deal with the present problem. But sometimes there will be more problems than just one. Take care of just one at a time. One at a time. Don't let yourself get, well I'm about to win, or she's about to win, so I'm going to change. I'm going to change directions, I'm going to change tactics. Remember, our goal is Matthew 18. Restoration. Resolving. And that's of course why we get into it. That's why it's called Conflict Resolution. Or literally, the idea of this winning by giving in is not giving in, OK, this time you win, next time I win. No, you're giving in really to the Holy Spirit. What does the Holy Spirit want me to do? I'm giving in to what God wants me to do here. If it's a moral, biblical approach, I can't say, OK, we don't have to do that anymore. But most of the reasons people get into conflict is because they didn't get their way. Pride, as was mentioned earlier. And so we want to make sure that we deal with this one at a time. Solve this one. Kind of like laundry baskets. Get rid of this laundry. You don't re-wash that. You've washed it once, right? Well, I mean, they get it dirty again. But the idea is, it's clean. Good. You guys use this. We'll go to the next mode. One at a time, we take care of our issues. And then, avoid using emotionally charged words. Here. When we think about, and you know Proverbs 15, but I thought I'd just make sure that we, I know there's so many scriptures that we can apply, but Proverbs 15 in verse 1, a soft answer turns away wrath. And if you think about that idea, what soft answers are, is me giving in to what the Holy Spirit wants me to do, because I guarantee you, I want my way. I want to be louder, stronger, more forceful, so that I get my way. But the soft answer is the approach that we're supposed to be using. And so these emotionally charged words, what they are, are such words that you never, or you always, or when was the last time And when we get those words slipped out, we've just kind of taken the conflict to another level instead of resolving the conflict. So I think those are some practical guidelines to make sure we are very approachable. Now, we've talked through two guidelines and appreciated the one question. I don't know if there's any other question that these two bring up. We're going to go next to the idea of Ephesians chapter 4, and there we're going to look at some scriptural principles. Any questions or comments that might have come up in these first You don't have to. Yes, ma'am? I just want to say, as women, we are very verbal, and we like to talk to other women about things and situations. And another topic I've been interested in, is that despite that I was talking to the board about this topic, when I told them to get it off my chest, they started talking more about it, because we had all the answers. Our friends didn't have all the answers, so they said we really don't have to think about it. I said, anyway, I'm so excited because I thought that was a unique opportunity. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. Yes, hardly good. That's good. Yes, ma'am. I was actually victimized a few years ago when I was trying to get help in peer-to-peer families, that talking about my children in a wrong way is gossip, just as much as if I was talking about them. Very good. They are appropriate people, and we want to keep these same guidelines. Thank you. That's good. Anyone else? Thank you for sharing that. Ephesians chapter 4, if you would go there, we're going to look now at, we have these guidelines, okay? Speak the truth in love, don't let the sun go down upon your wrath, and then esteem others better than yourself. Those are our guidelines. Then, am I using the right words? Is this the right time? Have I let my face show kindness? Am I really being appropriate in how I talk? And then we're making sure whoever I'm talking to about this problem is part of the problem. And they're not just, like was said here, I'm talking to someone who's really not part of that. Or I'm talking about somebody who's not even here to either defend themselves or to have any opportunity to change or whatever the case may be. So here we have our guidelines. Now, we got down to, we have a problem. And we're going to talk this through. We're going to have a conference table. Now, in my office at church in Hampton Park, I have a circular four-foot table. And there are times that I need, I mean, it's kind of a very nice way to sit down and talk through things. You have different kinds of environments at your home. You have couches, you have coffee tables, you have dining room tables, you have end tables, ping pong tables, whatever it is that you have. But just figuratively imagine that you're going to sit down and work through an issue, but Counselor Joe is not available. But the Holy Spirit is. Or like I said earlier, the God of creation is there. And He wants to help you work through this. And this is really bothering you. It's bothering her. It's bothering the children. And what are we going to do about this? How are we going to get this corrected? There were times I used to call it, we're going to sit down for a powwow, and then sometimes, this one, actually we were keeping a teen in our home for a year, whenever we sat down for a powwow, we called it a pow-ow. It meant something was going to change. Well anyway, when you sit down, With that approach, what we need to do is, we really need to have some rules that no one's allowed to break. Well, Dad, even though he's supposed to be in charge, at least this Dad can, can break a rule. So how do we keep that rule intact? Because no one's in the room to keep it intact. Everyone really ought to have an opportunity to say someone broke a rule. That's not wise for a son or daughter to say, Dad, sit down, shut up, you just broke the rule. That's not the point. But if you have a conference table, and someone breaks a rule, this is a practical idea, just whoever notices a rule is broken, just stand up. Not stand up in anger, but just stand up. And it's just a general, okay, someone broke a rule. What rule did we break? Well, we're going to look through these rules, and just be sure that when we're dealing with this situation, we abide by these rules. In chapter 5 of Ephesians, I'm sorry, chapter 4 of Ephesians, in verse 15, And then verse 25, and can I get you to read those two verses for us? Ephesians 4, verse 15 and 25. But speaking the truth in love, it may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ. 25? Yes. Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. All right, thank you. So we must, in this case here, Be honest. In our discussion, we want to be sure that whatever was said is totally the truth. I mean, I was home at 6. Well, Dad, actually it was 6.02. I know you may think that's splitting errors, but if you were home at 6.02 and you said you were home at 6, you weren't honest. And if you're going to lie about the time you come home, you're going to lie about something else. And you don't want anyone in your family to think that as a possibility. Because it shouldn't ever happen. But we all know, because we're sinners, it can be very easy. I'll just spudge it a little bit. So be honest. Every single thing that's said, we must speak, speak the truth, and basically it's kind of like the idea that we're truthing in love. We're speaking in love. Well, right there is a conference table rule, and if somebody has the knowledge that this rule was broken, the idea is that someone stands up. It's like, no wait. Okay, someone broke a rule. What did we do wrong? And then that's when, in a gentle, kind way, it stated, Dad, you said 6, but it really was 602. And you said, I'm never whatever you said. And Dad, just last night you did it. We're in a kind... Remember, we've got all those rules in the past. Am I speaking this lovingly? Am I speaking this at the right time? All these things are in place. and all of a sudden we're at the conference table and dishonesty is done. Don't stand up, you lied! We've just altered what we're trying to accomplish. We're trying to resolve this conflict. Stand up, the resolving is, that wasn't honest. Most of the time, if not majority of the time, everything that's stated is going to be honest. But we have to make sure we speak it lovingly. The statement of, you were late again, was not a loving way of saying, you were late. you forgot again, was not a loving way to say, you forgot. And we want to make sure that what we say is not only spoken, not only truthful, but very loving. And that's a part of that conference table rule. So if we're being honest, no one's standing up, no one's pointing a finger, no one's raising their voice, we can very easily continue with our conference table, and that is verses 16 and 27. And would you read Ephesians 4, 16 and then 27. For whom the whole body is joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working and the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto thee. Edifying of itself and love. Alright, great. And then verse 27. Neither give place to the evil. Alright, so basically the idea here is we want to keep current. Let's make sure that whatever's being said is going to edify or build up. It's the idea of an edifice. I mean, we're in an edifice right now, and these walls are a structure, and it's holding up what's supposed to be held up. Well, that's the idea. I'm supposed to be actually helping build you up, to hold you up, to be a better individual because of me than you would be if I wasn't around. And that's not a lauding of me. That's really the idea of being a Barnabas or edifying. I'm building you up. I'm making you better than you would be without me. It's a great principle that the church is, because the church was nothing without God. Then God says, Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, so your wife should be much better because of you. than she was before you. Your children should be much better because of your influence than they would be without you. Your friends that you have, no matter what stage in age you are, should be much better because you're in their life than they were before you were part of their life. And our goal is not to necessarily find friends that do that for me. Our goal is to find friends that we can do that for and work at that whole approach. So the whole idea here is get rid of all those grievances before you go to bed. And then you wake up in the morning with no grievance. Waking up in the morning with this unrest is the worst, because you start out already behind. And we want to make sure that we've taken care of it, and sometimes it may need a 2 a.m., 11 to 2 a.m. discussion. And five hours of sleep, though, is much better than tossing and turning and waking up and you have this, and we've still got to solve it. It's still unresolved. It's not like having rust on the bottom part of your car, and it's like, oh, guess what? We'll get paint. The rust is still there. Oh, we'll just go to sleep. Let's not talk about it. The problem is still there. So keep current. Make sure it's taken care of. Third, in verses 29 and 30, would you please read that? But it's attack the problem, not the person. We have to be very mindful that we do that. Those two verses, please. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of temptation and redemption. Very excellent verses there, that it may give grace to those who hear. Attack the problem, not the person. The whole approach of any communication is for resolution, is to reconcile, is to bring about OK, that's the way it was. This is what we're going to do about it. And it won't stay that way. To make sure that we attack the problem is so appropriate. But too often, if we're not careful, we do attack the person. And that's on both sides of this podium. And we have to be very mindful that we're working at the resolution, not to, OK, I won that one. No one wins if you don't leave resolved. Both win when you leave resolved. So we don't want to make sure that the other individual feels in a negative sort of way. And then finally, act, don't react. And mom, would you read verses 31 and 32 of Ephesians 4? Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and crammer, and evil seedlings be put away from you with all malice. And be ye kind unto one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. Alright, thank you. Interesting. Let all And then it goes into those statements that we can all let stew right here. And no one else sees bitterness. No one else sees that anger, that wrath, that clamor, that slander. These are all things that we have, and if we keep them in our life, it says with all malice. And then it becomes retaliatory. It's there, not just because it's there, but then, oh, I'm going to get even. I'm going to follow through. I'm going to... And we just can very easily forget really what the whole approach is in our life, and that's to exemplify or reveal Christ. So in our conference table, in our home, in that setting, we're sitting down, and whoever is speaking, and however we're getting resolved, it may just mean, folks, let's plan on an hour, we're going to work through this. And you bring up the issue, and you basically, all these four rules have to be in there, but whatever's said, Kenny said, and I really think children, parents, husbands, wives, whatever the scenario, as long as you're speaking the truth in love, you're keeping current, you're attacking the problem, not the person, and you're acting and not reacting, you can say anything you want to. I mean, what a freedom a family should be able to have. And when you think through that, that's the way we, as believers, should all be. So when I have a problem, or you have a problem, with so-and-so, who's the last person we tend to talk to? The person we have the problem with. And we're dealing with circumstances that are so normal in our society today, and no wonder we don't show Christ. Because we walk around with these negative statements about mom and dad and child and brother and sister and husband and wife. And we should never let anybody hear those situations. So, we have these statements, we have these standards, we have these principles. Now we get to the conference table, and we did work through this issue, and wow, we made headways. But then we've confronted it, and you're saying, I know, I did it. Now what do we do? This is the most beautiful part of God's Word. Well, one of many. But it really is what started out in John 3.16. It's really what all transpired is that God forgave us. And we're told to forgive like Christ. And if there's ever one of the hardest things that we have to do, and that is to forgive and then to move on. What's the statement that we use today with forgiveness? Forgive and forget. You know, we are way too smart to forgive and forget. And God doesn't tell us to forgive and forget. What does God do with our sins? Well, He doesn't forget them. I mean, that's appropriate. But what does He do? Very good. So He did something, so He's not going to bring them up again. So guess what? That's what we have to do. My mind is smart enough, not because I'm that smart, but because God helped us to be that. My mind is smart enough that I could actually bring up something that I was offended by and I can dwell on it. What does that do when you bring it up and you dwell on it? It does. And God says, don't be bitter. We just read it. All anger and wrath and bitterness be gone. So forgiveness in this aspect is a promise made and kept. Not to recall another person's sins against you anymore. Not to bring up those sins. The East is from the West. And in essence, that's that far and that far, and they really don't come back. Because you might say, oh, it goes around the globe. No, actually, East and West just keep going. And it's galaxies, and it's galaxies, and so your sins are that far away. God's put them there. And if anyone could remember my sins, God could. And unfortunately, I commit different ones on a daily basis, and so if he forgot those, he could remember more. Except if I choose to seek forgiveness for it, he keeps throwing those back out there and throwing those back out there. So I must forgive as Christ forgives. The need of forgiveness in this case is that I am going to ask God to forgive me. I was sinned against. Awfully so. Wrongfully so. Maddeningly so! And I still have to forgive? God showed us His forgiveness by the word agape love. That's the love that's out of your need, not out of your worth. And we tend to forgive, if we're not being godly, we tend to forgive, well you did enough obeisance, you did enough chores, you did enough other things for me that now I'll forgive you. How much did we do to be able to merit the forgiveness of our sins? Nothing. And so why do we hold it over somebody else? Why forgive them? But... Now, the only reason we cannot forgive someone is if they don't ask for forgiveness. We can't verbally forgive, but one of the best things we can ever do in my heart is say, you know, when he asks me for it, I've already put an envelope, it's already at the reception desk, and it's there for him. When he chooses to pick up that envelope of forgiveness, I've already gotten it off my table. But too often we're kind of like holding on to that. I have one up on him. No, you just hurt yourself. And we want to make sure that we have this promise that's made and kept not to bring up another sin against me. Let's go to the back page there and look through just a couple of thoughts there. Forgiveness focuses on the fact that's said there right there at the beginning. That there was an offense. There's nothing wrong with saying, I was offended by. Because you're going to be offended by. Unless you don't live with a human. I was offended by. There was an offense. That's why God gave us the opportunity of forgiveness. Because we did. We... I mean, from the beginning, we sinned. And if it wouldn't have been Adam, it would have been me. If it wouldn't have been me, it would have been you. One of us would have sinned. And we have continued that. So there was an offense, and it does not turn away from the fact that we must work to the conclusion of this, the resolution. Some issues are huge. When someone's been offended and violated at a very young age, when someone's had an authority figure to hurt them or harm them, whether it's verbally or physically, whether someone has embezzled money and all of a sudden now they're trying to get it right, when someone's committed an improper relationship with someone and they're trying to get it right, you just start thinking and let your mind go and you can think how awful and heinous people are. I was talking to somebody who knew of an awful situation that had occurred, and my initial thought was, oh, I just hate the fact that that has happened. And the person responded to me and said, you know, what's so amazing is not that they did that, what's so amazing is that we haven't done that. And it will take our life like, wow, that's so amazing, I have not. and approach it that way. Let's not laud anything over I'm better than. Pray the Lord he does not let me fall. Let's stay where we're supposed to stay. And circumstances like this will help us. Forgiveness is granted in response to repentance. You must have someone that asks for forgiveness before you can actually extend it. But, as I said earlier, you want to be sure you're always prepared. I just hope they'll ask for forgiveness. And actually Matthew 18 can be taken two ways. One, if I was offended, what do I do? I confront. What if I offended? What's that? It's the same thing, right? Basically, I'm supposed to confront either way. If I did the offending, I seek forgiveness. If I was offended, I seek, what? Restoration. So either way, it's not like, okay, you did wrong, so I'm going to wait for you to come to me. There was an offense. We have to take care of this. Forgiveness is granted in response. And then finally, the gift of forgiveness costs who? Exactly. Or the offended one. That's hard. Oh, I mean, if you'll pay me this much, if you'll do this many chores, if you'll follow through this way, if you'll never do it again, I'll forgive you. Ever think that? Ever be tempted to try to come up with these credentials, and if you'll get this far, then I'll forgive you? But forgiveness, did it cost us anything for Christ to forgive me of my sins? Did it cost Him? So forgiveness costs the one who's doing the forgiveness. I mean, that's the giver. And so that's what we want to make sure we're realizing. Now, what happens after forgiveness occurs? So, you have all these guidelines. Make sure you say it at the right time, the right way, the right demeanor, the right vocal inflection. Make sure God is pleased with this. Make sure that we're keeping current. We're talking about one problem at a time. We get to our family conference table, we confront, someone steps out of line, someone stands up, okay, yeah, we've got to work through this, get to the end. But it still doesn't take away the fact that son 1 or daughter 2 or mom or dad did such an awful thing that it now has to be confronted and forgiveness must be granted. So, once it's brought up, this is what it means when you say, I forgive. I won't bring the matter up to you again. I was late. I know you were. This is the seventh time this month. If you put him as far east as from the west, it was the first time. That's what 1 Corinthians 13 talks about. Don't keep track of ill. I won't bring the matter up to you again. I won't bring the matter up to, and this is the one we probably do more than we do the very first one. I won't bring it back up to others. There's a lull in the conversation, and you're talking with someone who you've slandered somebody else with, or gossiped with, and then all of a sudden you just, you say, he's doing it again. No, he's not doing it again. If you forgave him the first time, he's just done it. And he needs to be confronted. You who are stronger are supposed to do what? Restore the weaker, instead of pushing down farther. Restore the weaker. I won't bring the matter up to others, and then finally, this is where you know, I won't bring it up to me. I'm not going to think on it, I'm not going to dwell on it, I'm not going to be bitter. And you're the one that's honest, and you know what it's like when it's 10.30 at night, lights are out, you're supposed to be sleeping, and all of a sudden your mind starts to go. And it broods, perhaps. or it dwells on, or it starts to fester, and you start to get that same emotion that you had the last time this happened. Find out, because when that happens, that means you did not forgive. I believe you need to seek repentance of making a false statement. I forgive you, and then I'm holding on to it, and I'm still angry. Take care of that. Often, most arguments are like one argument, and then it just festers and festers and festers, because it doesn't get solved at the very beginning. I'm not going to bring it up to others now. Of course, I shared this earlier, but what's the basis of forgiveness? The shed blood of Christ. And you can't get out of that one. He gave it freely, expecting nothing in return. And if we'll follow that, the blessing is that we receive the benefit that God sold us. He honors those who will honor Him. And I don't honor God if I don't forgive like He forgives. There's no way that will happen. So the shed blood of Christ is the basis of our forgiveness. Of course, 1 John 1.7, 1 John 1.9, you know, if we confess our sins, where are we? He is faithful to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness. So that's my basis. So how are you forgiving? How am I forgiving? If I forgive you, you're cleansed? No, you're not. How are you? Ask that question. And then finally, This last statement, if you are coming to confront someone, according to Matthew 18, if you're coming to confront, one of you said it over here, you're coming to do what? Restore. Reconcile. So guess what that means? When I confront, I need to be ready to forgive. And too often when I confront, I am coming for a fight. I am going to win. I've lost the last four, this one's mine. No. If I'm coming to confront you, I'm actually already in essence saying, the forgiveness is here. I'm confronting you because I want to give you this forgiveness. I want to restore this. I want to reconcile. And I believe if we will give in to the Holy Spirit, let Him direct us, confront us, convict us, He'll change us. And as we give in to the Holy Spirit, not just We are blessed, but I believe those who we're working through and working together will certainly be blessed and honored too. God will be glorified. I believe we'll show people Christ a lot more than when we keep those offenses in our own tow. Well, we're right at our time, and I know lunch is everyone's, one of those favorite things of any conference, and so it's been a pleasure to teach. I'll just have a word of prayer right now. I'm just going to assume that some are staying here for lunch and some are going elsewhere. I'll just conclude that perhaps in our prayer too. And Lord bless you. Let's pray. Lord, thank you for this morning, actually now it's afternoon. Thank you for how you are so great and you give us such free salvation and such free forgiveness. And you always give us the opportunity to be strong in you. And I pray you'd help us today, and not just today, but always, to reveal Christ in all that we do. And so we think that the topic that's been at hand, that we would desire to honor you through our lives and our conflicts. In Jesus' name, Amen.