Welcome to the Peacemaker, Lesson 11, Hooking to the Interests of Others. Our main goal this morning is to use something that is called the PAWS strategy to help us reach agreements on material issues. So the PAWS strategy, that's an acronym. And it's actually fairly involved with a lot of steps. And so our goals today will just be to give an overview of what it is, And then to go through each step, that could actually be a week per step, so we're not going to do that. Next week we're going to finish up. But however much time we have before 12 o'clock, what I'll do, after we've done an overview, is I'll just start going through it. And as I go through it, what you'll see is, wow, this is really involved. And this takes a lot of preparation, but I can really see how this would be incredibly useful at the same time and worth the effort in helping to solve a problem. So this is just really a survey of the PAWS strategy. And the idea is, how do you actually hammer out an agreement when it comes to a conflict resolving material issues. So someone disagrees on how much it should, you know, someone damages, runs over your mailbox, you know, or whatever. And you guys, you know, disagree on, you know, how much money it should take to repair it, or how to do it, or different ways of interpreting a contract, or in general, an agreement, even in the home. Could be a couple disagreeing on budget items or disagreeing on where to spend a vacation. Also, just issues and conflicts that might come up with neighbors. The example he uses is a barking dog. And so he kind of takes the principles that he's taught us so far and says, okay, what might this look like when actually dealing with material issues like money? So as we go, we want to remember a few things. We want to remember, because I did say this is an evolved process. So we might say, well, why would we want to engage in it? Well, there's a great cost to doing that. to just letting a conflict go unresolved, that'll likely result in increased bitterness, escalation of the problem, later lead to an explosion and making a relationship even worse, and harming the reputation of Christ and his church, as you are a believer, and especially if the disagreement is between believers. While this is an involved process, the cost of doing nothing is a lot greater. And there's a lot of reward here. Just a couple of verses and concepts we want to keep in mind as we go, as we think about solving problems and looking to the interests of others and how those things intersect. Philippians 2.4 is a big passage we want to keep in mind. I'll just read a little bit of Philippians 2. So if there's any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, And then also 1 Corinthians 13, four through seven, famous passage that describes love. Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. So as we go, we want to remember, especially when it comes to material issues now, because now we're talking about resources and stuff. Sometimes our attitude changes a little bit. We need to remember our goal in a conflict is not to win. It's not to get what we want. Our goal is to glorify God, to grow spiritually, and look for opportunities to serve other people throughout the conflict. That's the fundamental thought process that we want to come to in these material issues. So, he says there are two general approaches. He says one is a competitive negotiation, and then the other one is cooperative. So we just want to briefly talk about what is the competitive approach? Should we ever use that approach and what are its weaknesses? So he starts out saying, here's how you know if you're in a competitive approach. It basically feels like you're in a tug of war. These are aggressive negotiations. There's a clear winner and a clear loser. That's a competitive negotiation. And, you know, sometimes we may need to use this method when, you know, you don't have forever to go through things. Like, you need a quick resolution. Or, you know, any kind of compromise at all, in any way, shape, or form, would be compromising biblical or moral principles. You know, in those kinds of situations, You might go into it a little more aggressive, tug-of-war, those kinds of things. But the problems with this approach, three weaknesses, is often, the first one, it often fails to produce the best possible solution because it tends to focus on surface issues instead of the conflict, right? So a big material issue that people fight about is like things with inheritance, as we see families you know, fall apart because of these things. So one of the big downsides to this is, like the question is, instead of, you know, how can all people have their needs met? How can I come alongside? How can I show the love of Christ to others? It's really kind of what percent of the pie do I get, you know? Second, it's often inefficient as it begins with each site stating their position and then progress is made by compromises and concessions. So instead of getting to root issues about perhaps needs and really concerns that are behind something or hurt feelings, it's like, well, you want this and you want this. How can we keep compromising, whittle that down until we get something right in the middle? That's kind of how we usually think about compromising when people disagree, is you give a little, you give a little, you give a little, you give a little, and in the end it sounds like a collective bargaining process, you know, for a union, so to speak, or it sounds You know, we're speaking of weaknesses here. Sounds like how they make deals in Congress, right? And it is. Those are competitive negotiations. And we see that most of those deals, at least a lot of them, are sometimes necessary. Sometimes they're necessary to move forward in some way, shape, or form. But they're usually not good. Like there's usually some good things in there and some not good things. So it's a weakness of the method. Also, At the end, it can lead to a lot of frustration. No one's actually happy with the outcome. And it can damage personal relationships because it focuses more on the material issue than personal concerns, perceptions, and feelings, and so on. So sometimes we need to engage in a negotiation like that. And in the back of the book, in the appendix, you've got some more thoughts on that. If you feel like you need to do that, you can look there. But he wants to put forward a cooperative approach that's working with our opponents to seek solutions beneficial to everyone involved. So it's an idea of you're working together to find a solution rather than against one another. Some of the strengths of this approach or it's more likely to communicate well, to appreciate underlying concerns and needs, and when that's done, the end result, the decision, can have a longer-lasting and satisfying result, instead of, you know, well, until we meet again, or until next time, right? It can be quicker, with far less frustration involved. It does take a lot of prep up front, but if that prep is done up front, then actually, resolving these things can be, it can be pretty smooth. It preserves and it even improves relationships, because they know you're not just trying to get what's yours, or what you think is rightfully yours, but even more than that, that you're, even as Paul says in 1 Corinthians, you're willing to be wrong for the sake of a good relationship. Like that kind of heart attitude, entering into it. And it's based on biblical principles of reconciliation. And he lists those, some verses for us to keep in mind. Mary read a couple of them on page 227. You just, the golden rule, Matthew 22, 39, love your neighbor as yourself. We read 1 Corinthians 13, she's got verse five here, love is not self-seeking. Matthew 7, 12, So in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the prophets. And then he combines Philippians and 1 Corinthians. Do nothing out of selfless ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should not only look to your own interests, but also the interests of others. That's Philippians 2, 3, and 4. And so this is the heart that we come to as we're gonna think about this strategy. Something to note, This doesn't mean that we are weak. It doesn't mean that we're just going to let them win because, well, I'm going to defer. I'm not going to insist on my own way. That means I'm just going to let them win. This is not what that means either. It means having a loving concern for other people. a loving concern for them, working toward a solution that honors the Lord, that provides as many lasting benefits as possible. And so this is not, also we need to know this is not just, well, I guess since I'm not gonna insist on my own way, you just, I give in and you get everything. This is, you have someone that, and perhaps in the beginning they're not willing to work with you, but by bringing these things and this mindset to the table, What you're hoping to do through your preparation of using this strategy is to win them over to seeing the benefits of using this. Now, I realize without examples, this is a little difficult to understand. So far, we're just looking at a mindset. I'm going to give an overview of the strategy. And then to really get it, you just have to read the chapter and his examples. And we'll do as much of that as we have time for. I'll stop for questions. We're just trying to get a mindset of how to approach these sorts of things and how to solve problems when it comes to material issues. So the PAWS, what PAWS stands for is Prepare, Affirm Relationships, Understand Interests, Searches for Creative Solutions, and Evaluates Options Objectively and Reasonably. And so just an overview here, the preparing, the upfront, it's a lot of, you know, examining your own heart, laying out the issues, thinking about, you know, what are their major concerns here? If I say this, how's that gonna be received? Again, we'll read about this, but it's a lot of thinking about those things upfront rather than just without any plan, just trying to engage in. you know, conflict resolution. Affirm relationships. Again, the most important goal is not to get your fence repaired. Your most important goal is not to get, you know, the amount of the inheritance that you deserve. You shouldn't necessarily give up on that, right? You just give in or give it over. Maybe sometimes you might, but you aren't required to. But what's more important than your bank account or whatever it is, is preserving relationships. Understanding interests. We are really, in that one, you're really trying to understand their perspective. Why is this so important for them? You know, what's at stake? Is it their pride? Is it they've been hurt in the past? Is it they're worried about not having enough? You know what? Like, what are their concerns? And then after understanding their concerns, trying to think of solutions that would be good for the both of you. In the back of the chapter, it's got a little shortcut as it does in every chapter. Again, just trying to give another overview before we start looking at a specific example here. He has a list of questions on page 245 and 246 to kind of help us walk through this. Number one, which style of negotiation is most appropriate in your situation? Should this be a competitive negotiation or should it be a cooperative one? and then assuming you decide it should be a cooperative one where you work together in a solution. Then you ask, how can you prepare, there's the P, prepare to negotiate a reasonable agreement in a situation. Next question, how can you affirm your concern and respect for your opponent? Number four, understand the interests by answering questions like, what material issues led our need to be resolved in order to settle this conflict? What positions have you and your opponent already taken on these issues? What are your interests in the situation? Because honesty there. What are your opponent's interests? Next question, what are some creative solutions or options that would satisfy as many interests as possible? So again, instead of the compromise, like I'll meet halfway, I'll meet halfway, I'll meet halfway, Okay, what creative options are there that would satisfy the most interests possible? Which also implies that neither of you are going to get everything that you want the way you want it. And then last, what are some ways that these options can be evaluated objectively and reasonably? So, that's an overview of where we're going. The only way, because there's so much content here, The only way to kind of understand what this looks like and how we might use it is to just run through the chapter. So we have some time. What I'll do to begin, because if you kind of start with one number one pre-pair, in all honesty, it's like at least 40% of the work right there. So what I'll do is I'm going to go through number one so you can start to hear what this sounds like. And then I'll stop for comments and questions, and we'll see if we have time for any more. So I'm on page 228. If you would like to read along, if not, that's fine. I can just listen. So this is the first P. This is prepare. This preparation is one of the most important elements of a successful negotiation. This is especially true when significant issues or strong feelings are involved. Several activities are good preparation for a negotiation. Number one, pray. Ask God for humility, discernment, and wisdom as you prepare. Two, get the facts. Read relevant documents carefully. Contracts, manuals, letters. Talk with key witnesses. Conduct necessary research. Three, identify issues and interests, which he's going to define below, and try to discern the real cause of the disagreement. Carefully list the issues involved. Make a list of your interests, as well as the interests of others, as you understand them. Because later in the process, you're going to say essentially something like, well, if I understand you, this seems to be your interest. Is that true? Care to elaborate? Study the Bible. Clearly identify the biblical principles involved and make sure you know how to put them in practice. Next, develop options. Do some brainstorming before you talk with your opponent so you can propose a few reasonable solutions to the problem. Be prepared to explain how each option will benefit your opponent. Anticipate reactions. Put yourself in your opponent's shoes. Try to predict a few likely reactions to your proposals. Develop a response to each of those actions. Next, find an alternative to a negotiated agreement. Decide in advance what you will or will not do. Negotiations are not successful. Select an appropriate time and place to talk. Consider your opponent's possible preferences. And that's getting into, you know, make sure you bring it up at a good time. you know, when they're not, like, exhausted, just been yelled at, or whatever, like, on their terms, when would this be a good time for us to discuss this? Plan your opening remarks. In particular, plan how to set a positive tone at the outset of the meeting, and how to encourage your opponent to enter into discussion with an open mind. Seek counsel. If you have doubts about how to proceed with negotiations, talk with people who can give you wise and biblically sound advice. So what you're seeing here in this preparation is instead of just going in without really knowing and giving much thought to what you want, what they want, how to get there. or you're just going to be reacting to things, you have no idea what they're going to say. Usually when that happens, well, I don't react well. I try to say the second or third thing that pops into my mind, often unsuccessfully, as maybe one or two of you have learned, and the rest of you eventually will all learn, I'm sure. This helps you to be prepared and just to come ready. and takes a lot of stress off of it for you. So, here's what it sounds like in a real situation. He's using the barking dog here. So, to make this discussion as practical and vivid as possible, I will show how the pause approach to negotiation could be used in an actual conflict. We'll consider the following situation throughout this chapter. So, this is the prepare section. like, you know, research, laying out the, you know, laying out the issues, thinking about the interests of one party, thinking about the other party, thinking about how they might react, what might I be willing to do. This is what that sounds like. Jim and Julie, and Jim's not here, I can't pick on him. Well, we can. Anyway, Jim Boss, and we don't want to throw Sarah in there. It's about there. All right, Jim and Julie Johnson live on a two-acre tract of land outside of town. Their nearest neighbors, Steve and Sally Smith, have a similar acreage. The two houses are located within 100 feet of each other on adjacent corners of the property. The Smiths raised border collies, Man, I can totally change this to the Bakers live in the desert and a few hundred feet over, the neighbors raise cockfighting roosters, but I'll save that for another time. The Smiths raised border collies as a hobby and a small business. A few weeks ago, they acquired a new dog named Molly, who barks sporadically, several evenings a week. The annoying barking has been keeping the Johnsons awake at night. and their children are complaining about being tired at school. To make matters worse, the Smiths recently began to exercise and feed Molly at 5 a.m. This noisy activity robs the Johnsons of another hour of sleep. A week or so ago, Jim noticed Sally working in her garden, and he went over to ask if she would do something about the barking dog. She said she was sorry, and for a few days, the barking subsided. Within a week, however, it started again and seemed to be even worse than before. Yesterday, another neighbor told Julie that Steve had called everyone in the subdivision to see whether the dog was bothering them. In the process, he had said some very critical things about Jim. So we see some things escalating here. Julie has conducted her own survey and found out that only a few of her neighbors have been annoyed by Molly's barking. Two neighbors are hard of hearing. and some of the others live far enough away they cannot hear the dog. Julie then checked with the county attorney and found out that it's a misdemeanor to keep a dog that disturbs a considerable number of persons in a neighborhood. Unfortunately, the county attorney does not seem to believe that Molly has disturbed enough people to justify misdemeanor charges. Therefore, Jim and Julie will need to negotiate a solution without the aid of the authorities. So he goes on. Since the problem with the barking dog did not need to be resolved immediately, Jim and Julie took several days to prepare to negotiate with the Smiths. Each day they prayed for the Smiths and asked God for wisdom and discernment. They also spent some time discussing how to apply relevant biblical principles to this situation. To verify their complaint and identify significant patterns, they began to keep a written log of when Molly barked. So they're making sure they're seeing things clearly, and they have evidence if needed. Jim read the subdivision covenants to see whether there were any rules against barking dogs, but there were none. Julie went to the library and looked at several books on dog training. They made a list of suggestions that expert trainers gave regarding barking dogs. So Jim and Julie identified two issues that needed to be addressed. Is it reasonable to expect the Smiths to do something about Holly's barking? So should we even be addressing this with them? Are we being totally unreasonable here? Number two, if it is, what's the best way to moderate her barking? We then made a preliminary list of interests involved. They decided they had the following interests, a desire for peace and quiet, sufficient rest for their children, and a comfortable relationship with the Smiths and with other neighbors. They speculated that the Smiths had these interests, an affection for dogs, a need for additional income, and possibly a resentment toward being, quote, told what to do. More interest, he gets into more interest later. But they're starting to try to put themselves in the Smiths' shoes and see why these dogs might be important to them. The Johnsons then put together a preliminary list of options that might solve the problem, including the following. Sell the dog. Teach the dog not to bark. Get a remote-controlled shop collar for the dog. Muzzle the dog. Get earplugs for themselves. And so on. They tried to anticipate how the Smiths would respond to each option. You can see how this is useful, right? Like, okay, if I say this, this negotiation is going to be over, right? So, I listed the costs and benefits to the most violent. Jim and Julie also spent some time discussing what they would do if the Smiths refused to do anything about the bargain. Although they were tempted to find a way to retaliate and make life difficult for the Smiths, they knew that that would not please Her Honor Garneau. Therefore, they decided that if they could not stop the barking right away, they would simply work harder at cultivating a positive relationship with the smiths. They would do this by inviting them over for meals, taking time to get to know their children, and looking for opportunities to help them or be kind to them. Since the smiths seemed to relax more on Saturdays, Jim and Julie decided that it would be a good time to approach them. They also decided it would be wise to offer to talk at the Smith's home, which would put them more at ease. They planned to request a meeting by having Jim go over to the Smith's in person and say something like this. Molly seems to be barking a lot lately, and our children are having a difficult time getting enough sleep. Julie and I would appreciate it if you'd be willing to take a few minutes to talk with us about this situation. Jim and Julie also discussed three ways that Steve and Sally might react to this request. and they planned appropriate responses. Once their preparation was complete, they were ready to approach the Smiths. He says, this may seem like a lot of work, and it is, but in this real-life conflict, Jim and Julie wisely realized they could either put their time into lying awake at night and grumbling throughout the day about the barking dog and, you know, the resulting bitterness and whatnot that would continue to build up or they can put their time into carefully negotiating with their neighbors to find a solution to the problem. You will need to make the same choice when you are faced with an issue that could affect you, your family, your church, or your employment in a significant or prolonged way. It will not be a question of whether you spend time on the problem, it will be a question of where and how you spend time on the problem. As Jim and Julie discovered, the sooner you devote your time to finding a solution to the problem, the less time you will spend stewing over it. So you're going to spend time on this problem, even if you never spend it with them. It's going to take space in your heart, in your mind, growing it as a problem of bitterness and whatnot. And it's going to get worse, so you have to decide. Do I want to do messier work later? Or do I want to do preparation work up front? So this is where the method starts. So hopefully, as I kind of read the overview, you can start to hear that this is a very different approach, as I need to make sure I know what my interests and what's important to me are. I need to make sure I know what might be important to them. I need to think about how they might react to things. I need to be prepared. So that's how it starts. So I want to stop here for a minute And just kind of see, are there any thoughts or comments or questions? Or just how something hit you? Because the first time I read this, I was like, wow, that's a lot different than the way I've tried to solve material problems in the past. But I certainly, I can certainly see some wisdom there. So any thoughts or questions so far? to trying to be constructive and analytical. So this process itself can give you a little bit of critical distance from whatever's bothering you. And as an important part of that, it can give you a greater sense of understanding of the other person and whatever their position is, and maybe even sympathy for that. I was a little bit surprised that he keeps using the word opponent, which I understand, but like conceptually, you know, think of that as a neighbor in the broad sense, like somebody that the Lord has put in my life that I have to interact with, or if it's somebody in the church, think about them as a brother or sister in Christ. Right. But obviously there's a conflict if I use that word, our own perspectives on things. And sometimes, just by doing this, you're like, yeah, you know, their concerns are really more legitimate than I had thought. Just thinking of it more from a multi-mind vantage point. And maybe you can resolve it later in your mind. Yeah, you might say, well, we're just gonna keep dealing with this for a while and just try to build that relationship and see if we end up overlooking it or it just seems, like, yeah, it definitely, it takes some of the, like that emotional fire out, right? Definitely does, for sure. And we're remembering the whole goal of reconciliation is not to win or get what we want, but it's to glorify God and serve one another and show other people the love of Christ. So any other thoughts or comments so far, Sonia? I like to put it up here, comparing yourself, but that in the story, he also gave a Smith an opportunity to care about going to them and saying, I'd like to talk to you about X, Y, and Z, let's pick a date further on to talk about that. Something that Nate actually recently brought up to me, like I wanted to talk to him about something. I had a baby and a grand, and I was scrolling on, and you didn't really have a lot of time to think about it. And as we were talking about theater, we were thinking like, oh, we want to talk about some things. bigger things, just like that heads up can be helpful sometimes, just so that the other person has time to start thinking about what they think. And, you know, there's always time for that, there is. That can be really helpful. Not just for you, but for the other person as well, too. Anyway, I just thought that was interesting. Were you thinking about book parties there? That's a good thought, because we might sit here and talk about tomorrow, and you might think, like, okay, are they going to need a little more processing time? That's a good, that's a good thought. That's a good answer to start. All right, I think we only have a few minutes left. For now, are there other thoughts or questions? Let me just start on the next one, just so we can keep kind of Really, my goal today, since this just has to be an overview, is for you to see enough of this that you're convinced it would be really valuable if you have a material conflict. So, I'll just go a little bit further, and then we'll do Affirm Relationships, and then, you know, you can read the rest. If you didn't get one of these yet, I think we still have a handful of them. Affirm Relationships, this is the A. The conflict generally involves two basic ingredients, people and a problem. All too often we ignore the feelings and concerns of the people and focus all our attention on the problems that separate us. This approach often causes further offense and alienation, which only makes conflicts more difficult to resolve. One way to avoid these unnecessary complications is to affirm your respect and your concern for your opponent through negotiation process. For example, you may begin conversations with words like these on page 232. You are one of my closest friends. No one in town has been more kind or thoughtful toward me. It's because I value our friendship so much I want to find a solution to this problem. Or I admire how hard you've worked to pay this debt and also appreciate your efforts to keep me informed about your financial situation. Since you have treated me with respect, I would like to do everything I can to find a workable payment plan. or I appreciate your willingness to listen to my concerns about this project. Before I explain what they are, I want to make it clear that I will respect your authority to decide this matter, and I will do all that I can to make this project successful. And because I want to get to the barking dog a little bit here, he says, these affirming words, here's a few ways to demonstrate concern and respect. I'm just going to read the bullets here. It says, communicate in a courteous manner. If you're seeing that, please may I Spend time on personal issues. Submit to authority. It's a big one. Look, if this decision's above your pay grade, ultimately you need to submit to the one the Lord has placed in authority over you. Earnestly seek to understand. Look out for the interests of others. Address sin in a gracious manner. Allow faith saving. That one's don't back others into a corner. Give praise and thanks. A little bit more about the Barking Dog. Affirming their relationship with the Smiths was a basic part of the Johnson's initial request for a meeting with them. By asking for a meeting instead of demanding it, Jim conveyed courtesy and respect. This process continued during their first meeting with the Smiths the next day. Jim began the meeting by saying, I'm in the margin here, a bit unrealistic, but I guess we'll get the point. We really appreciate your willingness to talk with us. a chance to get to know one another better and to be better neighbors than before. If you've never ever talked to your neighbor, I guess that could work, right? It's just, these things are just scary. You just have to have courage, right? After allowing Steve and Sally to respond, Julie asked if it would be all right for her to explain some of the Johnson's concerns. She chose her words carefully. She used I or we statements as much as possible. She was careful not to accuse the Smiths of deliberately bothering anyone. and made it clear that she and Jim were assuming the best about them. Man, if I could say one thing to folks that are mad at someone else, over and over again, and to myself, which I try to do, have you assumed the best of them? And what does that mean? I mean, that sentence alone would really help us a long way in resolving things. She then asked Steve and Sally to explain some of their feelings and concerns. As they did so, Jim and Julie asked questions at appropriate times and responded with statements like, I see. I didn't realize that. That helps me to understand your situation. Although the Smiths were somewhat defensive when the conversation began, they eventually began to relax. As their relationship with the Johnsons was affirmed, they became increasingly willing to talk about the problem that had brought them together. So starting to see progress. Now the next section, which I'm going to stop here, is understanding interests. This is the you. But what I'm hoping is that you're seeing enough nuggets here that maybe you'll skim this, read it when you go home, but then when you find yourself involved in a material conflict, you take this book back out, and you prayerfully and carefully reread through these things and start to try to come up with something that you think might be pleasing with the Lord. It will accomplish the goal of glorifying God, of showing others the love of Christ and restoration. So any final thoughts or questions? All right, let's pray. Lord, we do thank you that you have given us wise teachers to help us pull principles out of the scriptures and see how to apply them. As we just start to be intentional about reconciliation and intentional about solving conflicts and desiring you to be glorified and desiring to see reconciliation more and more, see more and more peace and harmony in our life. Lord, help us to take these things and just make them a part of how we think about conflict and help our approach in it for your glory. In Jesus' name, amen. All right, next week's the last week of the Peacemaker. And then after that, I believe that I will be teaching a membership class. And I think Mr. Voss is going to do some worldview stuff. I'm not sure what he's using yet, You'll probably get that information soon.