Let's start with our third and final lecture on raising teenagers, on parenting teenagers. And we'll open with a prayer. Lord, we thank you for this time together. Lord, you've said that your word will not go out and return void. Rather, it will accomplish the purpose for which you have sent it out. We pray that it would do that, that you have ordained who is to be here, and now your word is going out. Accomplish its purpose in the lives of these parents. In Christ's name we pray, amen. Now let's talk about five ways to get your teenager into trouble. These are five gifts, five privileges that only you can give your teenager. One is anonymity. What does that mean? That means no one knows you. Your teenager, let's say you go to MPC Karen. Your teenager is out on the corner there where the matatu stop is at MPC Karen smoking. Sister Sarah drives by on her way to afternoon prayer meeting and sees your teenager. What should sister Sarah do? What should she do? She should call you. Shouldn't you? Stop gambling! Aren't we all on each other's side? I hope you agree that if you see one of your friend's children involved in an illegal or immoral activity, that you will pick up and call your friend. And I hope we all agree that if a friend calls you and says, I saw your child smoking, or I saw your child drinking, or I saw your child in the yaya center misbehaving, I hope we all agree that the response will be, thank you very much. I hope we can agree on that, instead of getting mad. The problem is not the messenger, is it? Sometimes it's easier to get mad at the messenger, rather than deal with the message. The issue is to deal with the message, not get mad at the messenger. So, Sister Sarah calls you, and your son gets in trouble. So what's his application? Next time if I'm going to smoke, it's going to be over at the YaYa Center, or at Wilson Airport. Right? Somewhere where Sister Sarah won't see me. Well, then we deny anonymity to our teenagers. Where are you going? Out? When will you be back? Soon? Who are you going with? I don't know. Ah! No, you're not. You're not going anywhere. First, where are you going? Yah-Yah Center. Why? Well, we like to hang out over there. Okay, no, you can't go to Yah-Yah Center. When were you planning to be back? Oh, I don't know. No. I'll tell you when you need to be back. Your homework's not done. You have church Sunday. Your homework needs to be done before church. You'll be back by three o'clock, wherever you're going. Who are you going with? Brother, I'm going with Ahab. No, you're not going with Ahab. You're not going anywhere with Ahab. I know Ahab. You're not going with him. You may see him at school, but no, you're not going with him. See, who's the parent? Who's the parent? You are. Who's supposed to be making hard decisions? Who knows how a teenager should live? Does a teenager? That's why they have parents, right? They don't know how to be a teenager. Who knows what a teenager needs to do in order to get into college? Who knows that? The parent. Who knows what a teenager needs to do to get a job? A parent. Who knows what a teenager needs to do to stay out of trouble? A parent. A teenager doesn't know that. A parent does. So, we deny our children anonymity. Well, I can't stop them. They just get on the matatu. Oh, really? Is your teenager a millionaire? Is it? There is a trust fund set up in your teenager's name with a couple million shillings in it. Really? Your teenager has an independent trust fund apart from you with a million shillings in it? No. OK. Does your teenager own an oil well? Do you get royalties from the oil well? No. OK. Let's see. Is your teenager a member of royalty? No. So the only reason your teenager has money is how? From you. And if you don't give your teenager a chance, can they get in on my bus or on my doctor? No. So don't give them anonymity. Don't do it. Where are you going? When will you get there? What will you be doing? When will you be back? Who are you going with? And if they don't respond properly, you instruct. Discipline, instruct, restore. And you take away privileges. You win. You're the strong one. You just win. Number the room with the door closed. If you were fortunate enough for your child to have their own room, they don't get to leave the door closed. Our children could not leave the door closed unless they were dressing. They certainly don't have a sign on the door that says keep out. or Sarah's room. They know, because it's not their room. It's my room. It's Eleanor's room. It's not their room. I knew a pastor whose child kept slamming the door and while the child was at school, he just took the door off. He did. Just took a hammer and took it off and that child changed in the bathroom from then on. And when the child could behave responsibly, he put the door back. Can I do that? You do anything you want to for the benefit of your child. Your child should certainly not have a cell phone in their room. They certainly shouldn't have a DVD player or a TV or a computer in their room. They certainly shouldn't have a radio in their room. They can have a CD player but only with Christian CDs in their room. They certainly shouldn't have an MP3 player because you don't know what's on the MP3 player. They don't need that technology. They don't. What they need is to have a good education, a good night's sleep, honor their parents, and serve the Lord so that they can go away to college. That's what they need. Yes? Well, something else that we limited was using headphones. So if they were playing music, we knew what they were playing. Yeah, they don't need headphones. And they particularly don't need headphones because now they're discovering that these people who grew up in the 80s with headphones are going deaf in their 40s. 40 years old and having hearing problems. They don't need that. Yes? If this, you think your children have a right to these things, they're privileges. They didn't contribute one penny to these things. They belong to you. You work like a tired, worn-out horse to make that life possible. Why say, I just don't understand why my teenager's not more thankful. Why should they be thankful? You give them everything they want. You don't take away any of their privileges. You act like household around them. Why should they be thankful? Why? Why should anybody be thankful when they get whatever they want no matter how they behave? Why shouldn't I be thankful? When they're able to talk to you any way they want to, slam doors, roll their eyes, come and go as they want, why shouldn't I be thankful? You wouldn't be thankful, would you? Good point. Money, number two. Your teenagers, of course, should not have a credit card. That goes without saying. Or your college student, unless in certain controlled situations. If your teenager has a job, they shouldn't have unrestricted access to that money. Our teenagers, as they got older, especially as they near college, we required them to work during the summers to earn money, but we put that in a savings account that we signed up. That was money for college, not money for clothing or DVDs or CDs or perfume or men's cologne or things like that. They should not have unaccounted for spending habits. I need 500 shillings for science class. Mr. Hezekiah says we need 500 shillings for science class. Oh, really? OK. I'll text him and see. Oh, you don't have to text him. He's too busy. No, I don't mind. I'll text him. No, well, never mind. Or you just give your child 500 shillings. when they say they have to have it for school. No, you don't just give your children money that you don't know where it's going. And then I'll need a receipt. We need 500 shillings for a pizza party at church. That's all right. I'll text her. Well, no, no, no. She said don't text her. Too many people text her. OK, then I'll just take a note from your Sunday school teacher. I'll just take a note. You don't give your children money and then just let them that's unaccounted for, do you? Now, people, children, acquire bottles of alcohol, don't they? They acquire beer and vodka, right? And these people, these stands, these stores, they just hand it out to children, don't they? They just have big cases of it, don't they? And they just hand it out for free. Whoever wants it can have it for free. Is that how it works? No, it doesn't work that way, does it? They have to pay for it, don't they? Where do they get their money? From the parents. Don't give it to them. Some children smoke, don't they? And these kiosks with tobacco products, they're just passing them out, aren't they? Here, take all your wands. You know, we're not in this for the money. Here, we just had big cases of tobacco. They're just giving it away, aren't they? No, you gotta pay for it, don't they? Where do they have it? Do you give it to them? Pornography. Oh, he's passing out. No, those are businesses. Aren't they? And if your children don't have disposable income, they can't buy these things. Not only that, non-Christian pagan kids are notoriously selfish, aren't they? It's Christian kids who are nice. You go to church, that's free, isn't it? But if your child is going to hang around with a rough crowd and they want alcohol and they want tobacco and they want dirty movies, what does your child need in order to be a part of that? He needs money. And if he doesn't have money, he can't do it. Or at least it's much more difficult. So if you deprive your child first of anonymity, And then, of disposable income, you've cut him off from a vast swath of temptation and opportunity for sin. You've just cut him off from it. Yes? If your child is doing that, then You've got far bigger problems if your child is doing that. If your child is selling their shoes, then that comes back to this. If I ask my child where their shoes were, and he said he lost them, how do you lose shoes? If I knew my child lost their shoes, they would be working every night under my supervision for a month. to buy those shoes back. 20 shillings an hour. At the most, 50 shillings an hour to buy those shoes back. And they would have lost all their privileges. So, what you have to do is instruct, discipline, instruct, and restore. But the discipline, it has to be enough so that when your child thinks of foolish behavior and they think of discipline, it's not worth it. Also, there needs to be the relationship with your child in the home. When there's a happy, loving, caring home, when they think of sacrificing the love of mommy and daddy for the love of this other activity, then they don't want to do that. So it's two things, isn't it? I've got an excellent question, by the way. Have I given you one of these? Okay, yeah, you've been waiting for it. There you go. Excellent question. Excellent question. Okay. Money. That has to be free time. That's next. Most children have far too much free time. That's why they get into trouble. The Bible doesn't say this, but there is an American proverb that goes like this. Idleness is the devil's workshop. That's when children can get into trouble. So we don't give them a lot of free time. When they come home from school, first they finish their homework, don't they? And then they have their chores. Unfortunately, many of your children are being raised like little colonial aristocrats, aren't they? Who does their clothing? You or the house help? Well, that makes you house help, doesn't it? Who makes their beds? Who cleans their room? Who cleans their bathroom? Who sets the table? Who does the dishes? Who sweeps the front porch? Who vacuums? Who washes the floor? Either you're the house elf or their house elf doesn't. And they're just little aristocrats. Why shouldn't they act irresponsibly like little aristocrats when you're raising them like little aristocrats? We know how the aristocrats live. Don't you read about it in the newspaper? Don't you read about how irresponsible they are? Well, if you're raising your children to be little aristocrats, then don't be surprised when they're irresponsible. Don't do that. Now, Eleanor had house help, but the house help, the children's room, and the children's chores were off limits. House help did not exist to make children's life easier. House help existed to make Eleanor's life easier. And the children were not allowed to call house help by a nickname. Isn't that what your colonial masters did? Did they call you, did the colonialists, did they call you Mr. and Mrs.? They didn't, did you? It was boy and girl or some nickname, wasn't it? Well, don't allow your children to do the same thing. Don't you just take your colonial master's place. We want to raise Christian gentlemen and Christian ladies, and our children always call the household Mr. or Mrs., and then their last name. We did that. James says, the pay of the workmen, which you have withheld, is crying out to the Lord of Harvest. Shame on you if every week you do not pay your household their full wage and instead withhold it back and so enslave them to your servitude. God is not mocked. That pay that you are withholding from that household to make sure they work for you, it is crying out to the Lord of Harvest. He'll have his vengeance on you. and your children will see it and they will grow up to be little pagan aristocrats just like your colonial masters were. You will be what you sound. Don't do that, okay? Don't do it. We know how Ephesians in James says we are to treat our house help and our employees. We are Christians. We are Christian gentlemen and we are Christian ladies and we are raising the next generation of Christians and that next generation of Christians is observing how we treat our household. Did your household every night get down on their knees and thank God they are working for a Christian lady? Or did they plead with God that somebody with compassion who will let them take a nap, who will remember them on their birthday, who will give them true days off, Did they plead with God like Joseph did for a good working environment? Is working for you any different than some Hindu or Muslim pagan? Nice questions, aren't they? So, free time. Children should have jobs to do. They shouldn't have all that free time. They should be doing homework. And you know what else? They did more homework. I didn't. rely on the school system to prepare our children for university. Now, Eleanor and I also supplied our children with homework to do. We'd check their tests and they had to correct everything they got wrong on every paper they had to do, every test they took. And the teachers would say, we don't require that. And we would say, yes, but we do. It's our responsibility to prepare our children for the university, isn't it? Yes. What do you do with a child who looks like they're not interested in schoolwork? That's an excellent question. Some children are more naturally, have you got one of these? Oh, OK. Well, then we'll do something. Have you got one of these? OK, we'll trade them. Some children are more naturally academic attuned. For instance, we have two children that were good at mathematics and two children that were good at reading. We didn't just say, oh, I just wish those kids were better at reading. No, it's just more work, wasn't it? All our children read at the same level. It was just more work. All our children did mathematics at the same level. But with two of them, it was more work. We had one child who was a natural athlete. two child, children who broke even, and one child who was uninterested. But we knew for their social development they needed to know certain skills, didn't they? All church youth groups play volleyball and football, don't they? Many of them swim. So all of our children had to learn that. It was easier with one, very hard with one, and we broke even with two, but they still all learned it. Two of our children were naturally sociable. Two of them weren't. But they all needed social skills so they could serve the Lord, didn't they? Two of our children needed to learn to be a little quieter. Two of our children needed to learn to be more outgoing. So it's just more work, wasn't it? So that's what it is. It's more work. I will come home from work. My son Sam once asked me recently, he said, Dad, I realize that more and more as I get older my upbringing was different from a lot of people's. What do you attribute that to? And I said, Sam, you know it was the grace of God, because when I would be coming home from work, I would be thinking in terms of the second job I had. And that job was the job of husband and father. And I wouldn't be thinking about coming home and sighting in my gun, or getting out and doing a little fishing, or working on my woodwork, or continuing to work on my first job, or getting on the computer, or watching TV, or stopping at seeing friends, I would come home and I would go right to work on my second job. And Eleanor would be cooking, and I had one child reading out loud to me. I'd be working with another child on their flashcards and checking another child's homework. And Eleanor, after dinner, we would do the same thing, and we'd be working with our children on their academic and spiritual and Christian skills. Then our children, about 8, 830, would go to bed, and now we're off duty. So it's hard work. If you didn't want to work hard, you shouldn't have had children. Nobody made you have children. Parents. Yes? How did you make your child be more sociable? Oh, you just help them. You recognize that at an early age. You don't let them play the child game. You make them speak up. You create social situations for them. You invite social groups over to your house. Now, you don't make them feel guilty. There's nothing wrong with being quiet, but they do need to speak up when they need to. One of our children, I required them to take a speech course in school. It was offered where they had to get up and give talks before the class and things like that. There's lots of things you can do. In fact, may I encourage you after the lecture to talk with Eleanor because just off the top of my head I'm having a hard time rattling off what we did with our child who was shot, but Eleanor can help you with that. Being involved in a good church youth group that's very active socially is one of the keys to that. Your children should not be choosing what they look like independent of you. You should be shopping with your children and giving them parameters. Your children are a walking billboard. It flashes. It's a neon sign. Flash, flash, flash. You know what it says? It says one of two things. It says this. Flash, flash, flash. I shop without my mother. See my hair? I made that decision. I long since won that battle. See my makeup and my jewelry? If it's a boy. See my earring and my ear? I made those decisions. See my clothing? I made those decisions. See how I look? I make all of those decisions and you can offer me something or touch me or take me somewhere and no one will ever know because I'm my own person. at the tender age of 14 or 15. That's what it says, doesn't it? Or it says, flash, flash, flash, look how I'm dressed. Obviously, I didn't choose to dress like this. Obviously, my mother went shopping or my mother father went shopping with me. and they know enough about me that I can't sneak over to a friend's house and change clothes without them finding out about it. My parents are involved in my life. See my hair? See my clothing? See how I look? I'm obviously a member of a family where people know what's going on in my life. If you touch me, if you offer me something to drink or smoke, if you try to take me somewhere, somebody's going to find out about it and you are going to get in big trouble. Better to make fun of me. Better to make fun of me. And that's what it says. Now, what does your child's billboard say? What does it say? You make that decision. It does say something. Now, allow me to show you something. Would you stand up, sir? Would you stand up? Now, he's dressed like a Christian kid, isn't he? Nice shirt, fair slacks. Now, why are you wearing this shirt? Yeah, he doesn't even know, does he? He's wearing it for one of two reasons. Either it's comfortable. Is this your wife? It's either comfortable, or she picked it up. That's why you wore it. See? He's just dressed like a nice, normal, Christian gentleman. OK, now I have a question about it. See? Isn't she dressed modestly and attractively? Isn't she? Now, why are you wearing this suit of yours? That's right. Responsible, isn't it? No teenager does that. No teenager dresses the way they dress because they're comfortable, because they want to look professional, or because they're cold. Do they? They don't dress like that. They dress to be a billboard. And either they are deciding what their billboard says, or you are deciding. Make sure you are deciding. Hair. Make sure to have short hair. A woman's hair is her glory. Make sure your wife, your daughter's hair, glorifies her and is not sexually provocative. Clothing. You know, I just wondered when I see girls, teenage girls at church, do you have, I want to walk up to one and say, do you have a mother? Do you? Because you're not dressed like you have a mother. So have your daughter bend over. If you can see her underwear or her back, then she goes back up into her bedroom and she gets pants that come up higher and a blouse that comes down lower. Isn't that right? And if you can see her underwear through her jeans, then she gets baggier jeans too, doesn't she? And if you can see her bra strap, then she needs something more on her shoulders, doesn't she? And if you can see her cleavage, then she needs a higher neckline, doesn't she? And if you can see her thigh, then she needs a longer dress, doesn't she? That's all sexually provocative, isn't it? If you dress your daughter like she's going on her honeymoon, don't be surprised when she comes home pregnant. Because isn't that what happens on your honeymoon? So don't dress her like that. Same with your sons. Entertainment. We've talked about this at length, haven't we? Music. TV, internet, cell phone, parties, DVDs. You make these decisions, not your children. You make those decisions. Our children had CD players, not radios, because they could listen to Christian music in the home. But we sacrificed financially so that they had nice Christian libraries. to read. The computer games, we bought some bible computer games and some learning computer games. They just didn't have sex and violence on their computer games. So they didn't do it. So my son didn't grow up playing this dirt bike game, you know, when they cross the finish line, this girl in a little short two-piece with hot pants and cleavage was waving the victory flag. No, we didn't have that. It's not good, is it? So these are things which you decide. What have your decisions been? To not make a decision is to make one, isn't it? To not make a decision concerning anonymity is to make one. If you have not made any decisions concerning tracking your children's money use, you've made decisions, haven't you? If you have not made any decisions concerning their free time, you've made decisions. If you've not made any decisions concerning their appearance, you've made them. If you've not made decisions concerning entertainment, which includes parties, you've made them. You've made them. And that includes extended families. There are worse things than not spending a lot of time with your cousins, like being molested, or raped by an uncle, or exposed to pornography, or given alcohol, isn't there? I mean, ideally we have close extended families, but there are worse things in life than not having a close extended family, like demon possession, because you're exposed to occultic practices by an aging auntie. who still keeps those demonic items in her home in the village. There are worse things, aren't there? There are worse things than having a drunken uncle paw at you because you've given in to sending your children to be with their cousin for a month during the summer when you know there's alcohol and when you know you grew up with inappropriate activities and now you're too weak to protect your own children from that. That's wrong, isn't it? There are worse things. So, when you don't allow your children to do these things, but you don't put them in extended family environments where these things are allowed. Okay? Let's close in prayer, shall we? Lord, we thank you for this time together. Bless our tee. Bless these parents as they seek to serve you. In Christ's name we pray, amen.