For being here this morning for our second lecture, this is the Scriptural Basis for Training and Disciplining Children here at the Navigator Conference Center in Nairobi, Kenya. And before we begin, why don't we stand and let's ask God to bless the teaching and preaching of His holy, eternal, inerrant written word. Shall we? Let's go to the Lord in prayer. O LORD GOD, THIS IS YOUR HOLY WORD. WE ARE YOUR SERVANTS. GIVE US UNDERSTANDING THAT WE MIGHT KNOW YOUR TESTIMONIES. YOU HAVE PRAYED, O LORD GOD. SANCTIFY THEM IN TRUTH. THY WORD IS TRUTH. USE YOUR HOLY, ETERNAL, inerrant written word to set us apart this morning for your service and for your glory. Show us now great and mighty things from your word which we do not know. Oh Lord the sower sows the word. Plow up the hard ground of our hearts that your sown word might send roots downward and bear fruit upward. Protect us from Satan, O Lord, who would come and snatch your word and make it fruitless. Protect us from the world's cares and the delight of wealth and the passion of other interests which enter in and choke your word, making it fruitless. Protect us from a wrong reaction to difficulties and discouragements and persecutions which make our hearts hard and unresponsive to your word. Rather, O Lord God, let not your word go out and return void, but accomplish that purpose for which you have gathered us together and for which you are now sending it out. Unsheath now the sword of your spirit. Cut to the dividing point of bone and marrow, soul and spirit. Judge this morning the thoughts and the intentions of each of our hearts. Oh Lord, spread your word before us as a banquet table this morning. Allow us to drink deeply of the sweet milk and eat of the rich meat of the great doctrines of your word. Give us the heart of the prophet who cried to you. Thy words were found and I did eat them. And thy words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart from call by thy name, O Lord God of hosts. O LORD, we live in a dark and wicked age. Broad is the way, and many are on it, which lead to destruction. Make your word to us a lamp to our feet, and a light to our path, that we might see clearly that narrow way in which you would have us walk. as we run in the paths of your commandments, O Lord God, enlarge our hearts that in loving you more we might be more obedient to your word. Drop your word against our lives this morning as a plumb line, O Lord God, and grant grace that we might see clearly how we deviate from its high and holy purposes. Make your word to us this morning a mirror, O Lord God, and grant grace that we might not be as ones who take a look at ourselves and go off and promptly forget how we look. Rather, grant grace that we might be active doers, not forgetful listeners of your word. O LORD, because of our fealty to You, because of our undying love and devotion to Your Son, our resurrected Savior, we pledge our total submission to Your holy, eternal, inerrant, written Word. And we pledge this morning our unquestioning obedience to its commands. In the name of our Lord and resurrected Savior, Jesus Christ, we pray. Amen. Thank you. You can be seated. It's a lovely morning here in Nairobi, Kenya. We'll be looking at the scriptural basis for training and disciplining children. As the seminar progresses, you will find that there are many practical applications that will be given to you. And many of these will be methods, either developed by Eleanor and I over our years of being parents and grandparents, or a doctor in Mrs. McCallway and their equally successive a career as parents. And these methods, of course, are simply that. They're just methods. They're optional. You don't have to do them. When I'm giving this seminar, many people will say to... a hand will be raised, well, that's the Umzungu way, you know, we're Kenyans, that's not our way. And I have no problem with that. But when I ask, well, what are you doing? The reply is nothing. But that's not an option. So as we present you with applications, you don't have to do what we're doing, but you do have to do something. Can we agree on that? For instance, if I say, These were our ten objectives, or our six objectives, which we prayerfully put before the Lord and decided before our children were age two, we would like to see these things accomplished in their lives. And you say, well, you know, that's too American. We could never do that. So I said, okay, what are the six, what are the ten objectives that you are working on, that you have prayed through with your spouse? And you replied to me, well, nothing. Then I would say, well, start with ours. and then mutate them into yours. See, that would be reasonable, wouldn't it? If you're not doing anything, then go ahead and start with something, and you'll find, well, this really works, this doesn't. And so then you can adapt it. Respect and honor are not optional. How respect and honor is communicated can be different from culture to culture. And so, you might start with what we are doing, and then you might say, but really, you know, in the context of the Kenyan educational system, this would be better in terms of my child's success. I don't have any problem with that. What we will also be doing, such as this morning, is covering the biblical basis, what the Word of God says, the holy, eternal, inerrant, written Word of God. Now, when you collide with that, there's nothing I can do. you simply have to collide with the Word of God. For instance, when I'm sharing Christ, and I share Hebrews 9.27, it is appointed for men to die once, and after that comes judgment, and someone says to me, well, I don't believe a loving God would send anyone to hell. Well, actually, what we believe God would or would not do is neither here nor there, is it? God is not what we believe, nor does He do what we believe. Rather, we believe what God is as revealed by His Word, and we believe what God does as revealed by His Word. And, in the area of the family, God does not do what we believe by a word of faith, does He? Rather, we do, by faith in Jesus Christ and His Holy Word, we do what God commands us. So, in this Seminar you are not going to receive a family miracle other than the holy eternal inerrant written Word of God That's the miracle we offer you we offer you the miracle of the resurrected Savior the new birth in Christ and the revealed Word of God as it pertains to the family and You're not going to be able to shake your fist at God and tell him what to do in terms of your children While you do anything you want to Rather, we get on our knees and ask God what He wants us to do, and then we do what He says, not vice versa. So that's where we're going on this seminar. So as we share verses with you, if you are colliding with the Word of God, I certainly want to have compassion towards you, but you're going to have to struggle with God over that verse. There's nothing I can do about it. On the other hand, if I'm giving you a practical application that Eleanor and I have used, and it's not in the Bible, there's nothing that says you have to raise your children like we raised ours. But you do have to raise them the way Jesus says to do it. The way God does. Okay? So that's the direction we'll be going. Then the other thing I know is there's lots of material out there and lots of lectures and lots of speakers on child raising. The way this seminar came about is that neither Eleanor nor I grew up in Christian families. So we have a healthy fear of failure. And I really see a loss of that in young Christian couples. Sometimes I want to say to a young student in school, do you realize how unhappy and hard your life will be if you don't study hard? Do you realize the difference in lifestyle that you will be faced with if you don't have a good college education versus if you do? It's hard to convince children of that, isn't it? That's why they have parents who will make hard decisions for them. But sometimes I want to say to young couples, do you realize how hard and difficult your life is going to be if you don't raise your children properly by biblical standards? You realize how unhappy you are going to be in 10 or 15 years. It's hard to imagine. And sometimes I wish I could make decisions for you just as I could make them for children to protect them from future sorrow. But I can't. But I can warn you. I can warn you, and therefore I always tell young couples, when you are reading a book and they are making statements, always ask two questions. First, where does the Bible say this? That's the first question you always ask. Second is, what do their children look like? That's a valid question, isn't it? Because we have to remember that people who reject the biblical standards of spanking and parental roles as the husband, as head of the home, that's just not one little aspect of the Word of God they reject. You have a whole worldview on that, don't you? They reject Biblical authority as the husband, as the head of the home. They also reject Biblical authority in terms of spanking. But they also reject Biblical authority on gender, don't they? They would expect you to allow your child to discover his own gender, won't they? And they reject biblical authority in terms of rebellious teenagers, don't they? They'll tell you, you know, teenagers are going to experiment with alcohol, perhaps with recreational drugs, whatever those are, with sexual promiscuity. That's part of the transition into adulthood, isn't it? That's part of being a high school student or a college student. They'll reject biblical authority in terms of you and parents deciding that they should be taught the Christian doctrines and receive Christ and be brought up in the church. So they believe that children should be able to discover their own religion, don't they? It's a whole world view, isn't it? And you should understand that when you're reading their books and considering their philosophy. And you should ask, what do your children look like? I can tell you what my children looked like. When they were preschool, they would go to bed and stay in bed. They would sit at the table and eat their meal. And they were respectful to their mommy and daddy. And Eleanor could take them shopping. Or even more bizarre, Eleanor could use the restroom in peace. She could do that. So you can have a quiet time, have a Bible study in the home, and the children would play quietly. They were submissive, obedient children. Our children never went through the terrible twos. I reject any child raising philosophy that includes the word terrible with my children. I reject it. It's not in the Bible. There is no such thing as the terrible twos. There is only incompetent parenting resulting in the terrible twos. As a result, As a result, when our children entered school, they were well behaved. They always did well in school. They were always at the top of their class. They were not gifted. One of our children was intellectually gifted. The other three were not. They were of average intelligence, but they always excelled. They were always the teacher's pet. That was a gift that we gave them. Later, when they entered high school, each in succession was the president of the Christian Student Union in the high school they attended. They were never rebellious children. I reject any child-raising philosophy that includes the word rebellion with my children. Rebellion, Isaiah says, is as a sin of witchcraft. We reject that, don't we? If people tell you, well, terrible twos, that's a part of child's development. Rebellious teenagers, that's a part of childhood development. The Bible doesn't say that. And what do their children look like? They're probably teaching that because they had terrible children and now they have rebellious teenagers. So we reject that. As our children each progressed, they were in leadership positions in their church, they all went through the evangelism explosion time training for youth in their church, they all led friends to Christ. When they went away to college, two of them were involved in the navigator student ministry, two of them were involved in New Life, or Campus for Christ, or Campus Crusade for Christ. campus ministries, and they were all involved in leadership positions in those ministries in college. After college, they all served on the mission field. My first daughter, Rebecca, served in a Middle Eastern country and later with her husband, who she met on that mission trip, served in Mozambique for a year as missionaries. My second child, Samuel, served in South Africa. My third child, Margaret, was in France and then East Asia with a campus ministry. And my last child, Lizzie, was in Zambia with the Navigators. Three of them are married. They all married strong Christian spouses, and they're all serving actively in their church and as responsible members of society. So, the reason I share that with you is just to let you know that as we go along with the seminar, you may say you disagree with me, but you can't say it doesn't work. Does that make sense? There's a little audacity in my lecture, and the reason that is, is I'm through. My children in preschool were well behaved. They were successful in elementary school. They ministered in high school. They were involved, they made the transition into college in campus ministries. They all served on the mission field. They've married Christian spouses and are active in the church. It's too late to say it doesn't work. You can say, I don't like it. You can say, I don't want to do it that way. You can say anything you want to, but it's too late to say it doesn't work. Okay? So, that's the direction we're going to. And my prayer for you is that your children would not experience the terrible twos or the rebellious teenagers. And that when you're our age, when, like for instance, I'm 57, my wife here is what, 30? 31? 32? I can never remember. She's so young and I'm so old I lose track of these things. Yes, I robbed her from the cradle. When you're our age, you will be free to travel and minister for the Lord, because your children are stable, responsible, productive members of society, rather than raising your grandchildren. And it's always surprising for me, and we may have some grandparents here, that parents who failed at raising their children invariably have strong convictions on child raising. And that shouldn't be so, should it? If you had a nice inheritance and you lost it all, you would think if you received some more money that you would go to a seminar on how to invest responsibly, wouldn't you? And if you raised your children and lost that, then you would think that these people, above all people, would come to a family discipleship seminar to learn how to do it right the second time if they were burdened with their grandchildren, wouldn't you? But you know many times that's not the case. The two most opinionated people usually in my seminars are grandparents who failed or parents who have no experience. Those are my two most opinionated people. So I pray that you will approach with humility this topic. especially in the coming weeks when Dr. McCallway is here with you, because he has an equally strong testimony in terms of the behavior of his children. His two children, who are in college right now, have just come back from a navigator student conference in the US. They are living away from home, they are active in the ministry, and doing well in school. That's the objective, isn't it? That's the objective. Well, having said that, let's turn in our Bibles to Ephesians 6-1. Ephesians 6 what? Remembering as we go along that I'm going away Two weeks from now. I'll be teaching this seminar in st.. Petersburg, Russia So you don't have to think this is who he talks so fast, and he says such hard words How can I ever live with this you don't have to? I'll be gone This is actually the only session I'll be spending with you. Next weekend I'll be at a university student conference, and the weekend after that I'll be in St. Petersburg, Russia. So, you were fortunate you didn't catch me. You are not one of the groups that got me when I first arrived here some eight weeks ago. So, Ephesians 6.1. Everything that we discuss from this point on, in the ensuing lectures, will be based on this single overriding principle. Ephesians 6, 1-4. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mothers, which is the first commandment, with a promise, that it may be well with you, and you may live long on the earth. And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and in the instruction of the Lord. For children to live in a right relationship with God, they must be obedient to their parents. And that is going to be the foundational principle with which we begin our seminar. And it's important for us to repeat over and over again our goal. What is the goal of this seminar? Our children's success. We always keep that in front of us. Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. for a child to be in a right relationship with God, they must obey their parents. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, that it may be well with you and you live long on the earth. Our concern for our children is their well-being, isn't it? Their success, their well-being in their relationship with God, their well-being in relationship with the church, their well-being in the relationship with the family, their well-being in the relationship with society. Our children's success. That our children would grow up. We want them to do that, don't we? We don't want them to be a statistic, do we? Death by AIDS in their teenage years. Death by drunk driving in their teenage years. Death by suicide in their teenage years. raped, damaged, hurt, scarred, maimed. Whatever society has to offer them, the thief comes to steal and kill and destroy. But Jesus Christ says, I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly, John 10.10. We want our children's well-being, don't we? We want our children to grow up and lead lives which are fruitful and fulfilled. Our objective is not just that they live to adulthood, but that they live fruitful lives, don't they? And that they live fulfilled lives. I know men who are very fruitful, they're very successful in life, but they're very bitter because of their emptiness. I've led a number of men I can think of one man now who is the head of a large multinational oil company who was very fruitful, very wealthy, very successful, but he was an empty shell. So we want them to be fruitful, but we also want them to be fulfilled, but not just fulfilled. I know a number of men who are pursuing their ministry hobby or their career hobby, but they can't make any money out of it. So they've got their wives working overtime so that they can drink coffee and talk and and fiddle around with their ministry hobby or their career hobby. They're not They're fulfilled, they're very happy at it, but they're not fruitful. But we want our children to do both, don't we? We want them to be fruitful and fulfilled. We want them to do this in relationship with God and man. Not simply man. And if you're honest with me, many of you who have teenage children or whose children are knocking at the door of the university, You will be very happy if your children are lawyers, and doctors, and engineers, and making a very good income, and just nominal Christians. And you will be embarrassed if they are a mechanic, or a house help, or a guard at some building, but are married to a Christian spouse active in their church and very fruitful in the ministry. We want them to be fruitful and fulfilled in relationship with God and with man, don't we? Not simply with man. We want them to leave home, don't we? All my children have left home. People say, how do you like the empty nest? I love the empty nest. Man, if you raise your wife, if you raise your children correctly, not your wife, if you raise your children correctly, remember before you had children? Remember the freedom you have? Yeah, that looms in the future. Your wife won't be saying to you, do you think the children can hear? You know? Those days are over. Those days are over. People at our church, I was on staff at a church when our last child left home, they said, how are you handling the empty nest? This is what the empty nest was like for me. I came home from work, I stopped, I got takeaway, I went and picked up Eleanor, we lived near the coast, we drove down to the seawall there at the coast, we parked, we watched the sun set, we ate takeaway and made out like bandits. It was great. It was great. And that's the empty nest for me. But only if you raise your children correctly, gentlemen, because if in the back of your mind your wife is struggling with bitterness because she has unfruitful, unfulfilled children who are failures and Satan is whispering in her ear, if only your husband had paid a little more attention, if only he had come home at night, if only he had raised them in the discipline and in the instruction of the Lord, you wouldn't be raising your grandchildren. then that future doesn't exist for you, does it? Because you will be bitter and resentful, and there'll be strife in the home. I don't come home to a 24-year-old son who's laying on my couch, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and eating up my food. And none of us want that, do we? So we want them to grow up and leave home. while maintaining a loving relationship with their parents. My daughter excelled in school, but she had a number of other girlfriends who also excelled. Those girlfriends, however, now that they're grown, don't come home very much, because they were nothing more than projects to their parents. And that's not what we want our children to be, is projects, do we? Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. All that we will look at from now on will be based on that one overriding principle, isn't it? That children obey their parents. Children obey. That's a pretty easy concept, isn't it? The Greek word there for obey is tupako. It means to listen and to submit, to listen and follow through. We should raise our children so that they will listen when we speak and then they will do what we tell them to do. Will that help them be successful? When the teacher on their first day of school says, children, Look up from your desk, please. Children, put everything up. Take out your pencil box and a piece of paper. We are going to work on our letters. And your child looks right at the teacher in the face, listens carefully, and immediately takes out their pencil box, takes out the pencil, puts the paper down, and is ready to go. What will that child be? A success, won't they? That child will also be the teacher's pet. Who will get to hold the flag? Who will get to run errands to the office? Who will get to be the first person out or the last person to turn off the lights? Who will get to pass out the materials? Who can the teacher trust with responsibilities? A child who listens and obeys. Isn't that right? Well, if your child is three years old, four years old, and cannot sit at the dinner table still and listen or obey you, cannot stay in bed, will not respond to you, why will they do that for a teacher that they don't even know? So we're preparing them for success, aren't we? We're thinking, what will this behavior in my two-year-old look like in a six-year-old? What will this behavior in my six-year-old look like in a sixteen-year-old? And then we teach them to obey. Because we all know we don't grow out of bad habits, do we? That's just an excuse that parents who are lazy and don't want to take time to train their children tell themselves. They'll grow out of it. But it's not true. I was gaining weight. My belt was getting tighter, my collar was getting tighter. But you know, if you just don't think about it, pretty soon you'll lose a lot of weight, don't you? Isn't that true? Just don't think about it. You'll grow out of it. Well, you'll grow out of it, but in the wrong direction, won't you? It comes to the third week of the month and you're already out of money and you've passed a bad check or you swipe your card at the ATM machine or at the grocery store and they turn you away and you think, well, that's too bad, but I'll grow out of that money management. If I don't think about it, pretty soon I'll have a large savings account. Is that true? That's not true. We don't grow out of bad habits. Bad habits become more entrenched. And your children will not grow out of their bad habits by you neglecting them. Now, they may twist those bad habits into becoming socially acceptable bad habits, but they will still be bad, nevertheless. Children, obey your parents. It's both, isn't it? It's not wait till daddy gets home. I had a doctor I was meeting with in discipleship, and of course, you know, he was our family physician as well. And I noticed that he never gave our children the vaccinations himself. He always had a nurse give them to him, to the children. And I asked him one time, why don't you administer the vaccinations? Why do you always have your nurse do it? He said, well, I got tired of coming to church on Sunday morning and having children see me and run away crying. because they associated me with sticking needles in their bottoms. Well, I said, I could understand that. Well, Mommy, don't do that to Daddy. Don't spend all day saying, wait till your Daddy gets home and then have Daddy walk through the door and the children scatter. You know? Like he's a wolf in a hen house. All the little chicks go running. Don't do that. The parent who is disobeyed is the parent who disciplines. Conversely, men, child raising is not women's work. That is not a biblical paradigm. That is not a biblical worldview. Child raising is serious business. And it is only in a failed Western culture. that has been imposed on you here in Kenya, that child raising became not only women's work, but non-family women's work. Isn't that right? Isn't that what the colonialists did to y'all? Didn't they come in here and they moved y'all out of your land and then they planted tea and coffee plantations, didn't they? Isn't that what they do? And then where your ancestral lands are, they built big houses, right? Didn't they? And then didn't they spend their time riding around in buggies and having tea parties and playing polo and riding through their plantations while you did the work, didn't they? And then back at home, didn't your grandmothers raise their children, didn't they? And that's a failed system, isn't it? And can't you see the homosexuality and drug abuse and divorce and immorality of that social class in Europe today, can't you? So don't repeat that. Don't repeat that. Don't do it. It's failed, isn't it? It's a failed system. They don't even practice it in their own lands. It's a failed system, so don't repeat it. Parents, men, become involved in the raising of your children. That is the Biblical worldview, not a failed Western colonialist worldview, where children are sent off while parents play. Those were people, those were aristocracy, who came and colonized your land. And it's failed. You read about it in the paper all the time, don't you? And you laugh at their children, how irresponsible their children are. Well, you don't want to raise children people laugh at, do you? So don't copy their views, copy the Word of God. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Fathers, the main reason why I see fathers provoke their children to anger is not by spanking them. The way they provoke them to anger is by neglecting them. And their children and their sons grow up resentful and angry and confused that they have a non-resident father, a procreator, but not a father. So we want to be fathers, don't we? Why do we do this? For this is right, the Bible says. Diakios is the Greek word. It means the morally correct thing, the just thing, the right thing, is that children obey their parents. To whom is the Holy Spirit addressing this statement? Does this verse say, parents make your children obey you because it is the right thing to do? Is God the Holy Spirit speaking to adults here? There are verses like that. Proverbs 23, 13 and 14. Do not withhold discipline from your children. You shall beat them with a rod and they will not die. You shall beat them with a rod and deliver their soul from Sheol. Now there are verses that tell parents to discipline and instruct their children and make them obey you. But this is not this verse. Who is God addressing in this verse? He's addressing the child, isn't he? God the Holy Spirit is telling the child how the child should live in order to be in a right relationship with God. And for a child to be in a right relationship with God, the child must obey the parent. The morally right thing. the correct thing. That thing which God demands of children is that they obey their parents. The parent then does not have the moral authority to excuse disobedience, do they? And I see this all the time. I see especially in mothers. the conviction that it's their children, they can raise them any way they want to, and they can excuse disobedience, and that simply is not true. Children are a gift of the Lord. Psalm 127.3. The fruit of the womb is a reward. This child is a gift. You are a steward for a short period of time of a gift that God has entrusted you. That child was created by God. That child is owned by God. God says, through the prophet of Ezekiel, all souls are of mine, says the Lord. The soul of the Father is mine and the soul of the Son is mine. The soul that sins shall die. All souls are God's. You are simply, for a brief period, a steward of that child. God has granted you that gift, that honor, to take the name of God, which is Father. And so, for a brief period, you are a steward. We are to be responsible in that. It is the right thing for children to obey their parents. And as a result, God has taken the moral high ground away from parents. He's taken authority away from parents. You say to me, John, how can that be true? How can God be taking authority away from me, and yet my children have to obey me? Well, it's very simple. Your children do have to obey you, and God takes the authority to grant disobedience away from you. That is what he does. Can a spouse release their partner from marital faithfulness? Do you have that kind of authority? Eleanor and I had a couple in Bible study and I was concerned about their relationship because he traveled so much and I took him aside one day after Bible study. and expressed his concern. He said, oh, it's all right. We never pledge to be faithful to each other. In fact, I see that sometimes when I'm performing a wedding. They'll say, well, we want to take obey out of our vows. love, honor, and obey. We want to take faithfulness out of our vows. So they said, yeah, yeah. When we were dating, I traveled a lot. Never bothered me when I was gone if she was dating other guys. We talked about this before we got married. It's a don't ask, don't tell policy. As long as we practice safe sex, I'm not cheating on her. She's not cheating on me. I'm not defrauding. She's not defrauding. I'm not deceiving. She's not deceiving. We're in total agreement. We have each other's blessings. So it's okay. So is it okay? Is she deceiving him? No, she's not. She's in agreement. She has said, no problem. Is he deceiving her? No. No, he's not deceiving her. He has given her permission. He knows about it. Deception presupposes subterfuge, doesn't it? They're very open about it. Is she cheating on him? No. He's given her the blessing. Is he cheating on her? No! She's given the blessing. There's no deceit, is there? So, is it okay? Why? Because there is a God in heaven who has said, you shall not commit adultery. And a spouse does not have the authority to give their partner permission to commit adultery. That authority has been taken away from you. You cannot look at your wife and say, I'm going to be gone for several years studying in Edinburgh, and while I'm gone, you can have a boyfriend. You don't have that authority. You don't. She doesn't have the authority to do it. She doesn't have the authority to give you permission. Do you have the authority to give people permission to steal? You don't have that authority, do you? Because there is a God in heaven who has said, you shall not lie nor steal nor do it falsely with one another. So you can't give people permission to steal. You can't. You can't tell your children, you know, the waitress isn't helping us, you know, just go up there and just take something, bring it back. You don't have that kind of authority, do you? Your child takes something off the shelf and eats it and you think, oh, well, you know, they won't miss it. You don't have that authority, do you? And you don't have the authority to give your children permission to disobey you. You can't say, well, they've had a bad day, or it's a bad environment, or we're at auntie's house, or we're in the grocery store, or we're in the church, so the child doesn't have to obey me. You don't have that permission. You don't have that authority. You don't have the authority to give your children permission to dishonor you. I see this all the time in church. Two primary examples. Mothers chasing their children around in the parking lot. Is that honoring? And yet mothers think they have the right to give their children permission to run away from them. You don't have that authority. That's sin. You don't have the authority to give your children permission to dishonor you in the presence of other people. This is the elder illustration. I'll have spoken at a church and people will come by and be shaking my hand, and the mommy will look down or the daddy look down and say, Hezekiah, shake pastor's hand. And what will Hezekiah do? Now do it. In fact, look away. In fact, grab daddy's leg and play the shy game. Not only have they disobeyed their father, they have dishonored their father. And then what will daddy do? Laugh. It's funny, isn't it? Disobedience, dishonor. It's funny, isn't it? It's a game we play as parents. And we all kind of agree together. We're going to laugh at it and make a vice into a virtue. And it's not. God sees from heaven and God is unhappy. God's will is not what we believe in the area of child raising. We believe what God's will is as revealed in His Holy Word. And God is not happy or unhappy on the basis of your belief system. God is happy or unhappy on the basis of what He reveals to us from His Word. said grieves god the holy spirit and when you are among god's people in god's church is gathered together and you are addressing god's minister and your children disobey and dishonor you god is grieved over that while you and you laugh and then god is even more grieved over that isn't he god is even more grieved children obey their parents because it is the right thing to do By not requiring obedience, you damage your child's relationship with God, don't you? And yet, your child trusts you, doesn't he? Has your child been to a child-raising seminar, your two-year-old child? Have they done that? Do they know the Greek? Have they memorized any Bible verses on it? No, you've done that. Your child trusts you. God looks to you. That's why your child has a father, has a Christian mother. God looks to you to ensure that your child stays in a right relationship with God. In Ephesians 6.1, children obey their parents in the Lord, for this is right. When a child disobeys mommy or daddy, the child sins against God. That's a sin. Stay in bed? What's obedience? What's obedience? You tell your child, now go to bed, lie quietly. What is obedience? What is sin? That's right. So you want to keep your child in a right relationship with God? Teach them to stay in bed when you eat your peas. What is obedience? What is sin? sits still at the dinner table. What is obedience? What is sin? Getting down, isn't it? I know people, and they have a dog, and what do they do with the dog? They feed it over here, and they've got newspaper on the ground, and the dog eats, and when the dog finishes eating, there's dog food and water and slatter, and they clean up after the dog. Then they have their other pet. Their pet is named Sarah or Hezekiah. It's their child. And they take their child, and they feed the child over here. And when the child's through, there's food and milk and stuff all around the high chair, and they clean up after their other pet. Are you raising your child like a child or like a pet? Like a steward of God's possession or someone who simply purchased a dog at the market? How are you raising your children? So what is obedience? Obedience is eating the food. If you say, if you're at church, and your little two or three year old child is there, and they're talking or discussing, and you say, Hezekiah, come, what is obedience? What is sin? That's right. So you're in sin when you're chasing your child around the parking lot, aren't you? Aren't you? And you're in sin when you're chasing your child down the hall, or in the market. or in the living room. It's sin. Because children are to obey the parents, not so the parents don't have migraines, not so the parents have easier lives, not so the parents are not embarrassed when their mother-in-laws are in town, but because it's right before God. The child sins against God. The child sins against his parents. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise. Children's sins against God, children's sins against their parents. Honor is a lost concept, isn't it? Our children are not honoring to us in church just because we put on nice clothes on them, are they? They honor them not because of what's external, because God doesn't look on the external. What does God look on? On the heart. And our children honor us by sitting still next to us in church, don't they? Some churches have children's churches. I'm not opposed to children's churches. There is nothing wrong with a children's church. As long as your children are not in children's church because they are unruly, disobedient, unmannerly, sullen children who can't sit next to you in church and honor the pastor and honor God. So our children never sat in children's church. They sat next to us. And when we stood up, they stood up. And when we sang, they sang. And when the Bible was read, even if they couldn't read, they sat there and held the Bible with us. They were honoring. Honoring to the pastor. Honoring to God. Honoring to their parents. Your children are not honoring to you simply because you can bathe them and put nice clothing on them. Your children are honoring to you when they behave in an honoring way. And talking back to you and running and throwing food at you at the dinner table and refusing to eat and gagging up food and refusing to stay in bed and crying while they're lying in bed and screaming when you leave them in the Sunday school room or in the nursery because you want to go worship God. and running away when you call them, and not standing quietly by your side, and not greeting people when you say greet pastor or greet uncle, and not kissing auntie on the cheek when you say give auntie a cheek. Those are dishonoring actions no matter how you dress your children up. They're dishonoring. So the child sins against you. The parent sins against the child. that it may be well with you and you live long on the earth. The child trusts the parent. The child does not check for poison when you feed them, do they? Did your child do that? When you come home, and you stop by Oil Libya, and you get some gas, and then there's that little ice cream in there, and you think, you know, or the Oil Libya has a little freezer, and they have some little ice cream cups there, and you think, you know, I think I'll pick up some ice cream and bring it home. So you've got your effectual, and you head home, you've got the little ice cream cup, and you give them the little cup, and they take off the lid, and it's got that little wooden spoon, a little plastic spoon, and they take a spoonful, and they call their dog or their cat over. and they feed it to the dog, and then they wait, and they watch the clock, and if in 30 minutes the dog doesn't die, they eat the ice cream. Is that what they do? Is that what they do? No! They eat it up! They're excited! And when you say, okay, now, in a little bit, y'all find your shoes, get ready, we're going over to Grandma's, what do they say? Well, while you're not looking, they take their cell phone, They dial the number and they say, Grandma, Daddy says we're coming to see you. If we're not there in 30 minutes, call the police. He sold us to the gypsies. Is that what they say? It never occurs to them that you might stop and sell them to the gypsies, does it? Does it? No, they trust you, don't they? and they trust you to keep them in a right relationship with God, don't they? Do your children know how to be a one-year-old? They don't. Who knows how to be a one-year-old? Parents who study the Bible, don't they? Do your children know that they are not supposed to go through the terrible twos like everybody else? Do they know how to be a two-year-old? Who knows? Do your children know how to be a good student? Who knows? Do your children know how to be a teenager? Do your children know what honor is? Do your children know what modesty is? Do your children know what obedience is? No! You know! That's why God gave them to you. And that's why God says in Hebrews 12 that a child whose father does not discipline them is like a bastard child. Like a street child. That's what God says. Illegitimate, doesn't he? Those who have the King James Bible have the literal Greek word. Bastard. Those who have NIV, it's cleaned up a little bit to help you with your sensibilities. And the word illegitimate is used there. Nevertheless, it is the same thing, isn't it? God sometimes uses a harsh word to get our attention. I think sometimes that's necessary, isn't it? Your children don't know that. In each case, the parent sins against the child or blesses the child, dependent upon the parent's actions, don't they? You either sin against the child by poisoning or bless the child by giving ice cream, don't you? You either sin against the child by selling them into slavery, or you bless the child by taking them to see their grandparents. As grandparents, we're very excited about parents who bless their children by bringing them to see their grandparents. And you either sin against the child by allowing the child to go their own way, find their own bent in life, discover their own way, or you bless the child by raising the child up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. You train up the child in the way which is what? Right to go. And in the end the child doesn't depart from it. And what is the right way to go? Children are to obey their parents in the Lord, for this is right. And a child has to be trained in that right direction. Or they will naturally go in the wrong one. So when are your children going to learn to do this? When are they going to learn to do this if you don't teach it to them now? When are they going to learn it? I don't know why my teenage boy sneaks out at night. I just don't know why he does that. And when he comes back late at night he smells like tobacco and alcohol or even worse. I just don't know why he does that. I just don't know. And I don't know why he talks back to me. I just don't know why. And why he doesn't do that at school. Oh sisters pray for me. I need my miracle. I've done my time! I've done my double time! Just give me a miracle! I'll deliver me sisters! Oh please! And that's your prayer meeting, isn't it? Little ladies, all sobbing. The Sisterhood of Dysfunctionality prayer meeting, right? But you do know why your teenage boy acts like that. You do! Because at the dinner table, when you wanted him to eat his greens and he wanted peanut butter, you gave him peanut butter, didn't you? You let your child decide what he put in his mouth, didn't you? Didn't you? You didn't make him sit in the high chair and eat what was good for him. If he wanted to throw it on the floor, you let him. If he wanted to gag and spit it up, you let him. You let him put whatever he wanted in his mouth and now he wants to put alcohol and cigarettes in his mouth and he's doing it. Just the way you raised him. And when he wanted to get out of bed, you let him get out of bed, didn't you? And you let him wander around in the living room crying until he finally fell asleep. And then you put him in bed. He got to decide when he went to bed and how he behaved in bed, and now he's still doing it when he's 16, isn't he? Just like you trained him. And if he wanted to sleep with you, you let him sleep with you, didn't you? And now he wants to sleep with some girl, and he's still doing it, isn't he? Just like you trained him, isn't he? And you let him talk back to you, didn't you? Didn't you? And he's still talking back to you, isn't he? and you let him throw food at you, or the little toy, or the Lego, or grab your earring, or hit at you when you said no, and now he's 17 and he's just as disrespectful as you raised him, isn't he? So don't wring your hands and cry for the miracle. When you have reaped what you have sown, you never reap a different crop than the one you've sown, do you? And if you go out into the village and you have a half acre of land, and you sow grass seed, don't come back three months later and wring your hands and cry and wail because there's no corn there. Because you didn't sow corn, did you? And you didn't tend corn, did you? And that's why there's no corn. And you don't need a miracle, do you? You just need some common sense, don't you? And if you are going to raise your children in a neglectful way and allow them to behave and decide what they eat, and when they sit, and whether they sit still, and when they go to bed, and how they treat grandma, and how they treat each other, and how they behave in church, and if you're going to chase them around in the parking lot in the market, don't wring your hands when you're 17. Because God, the Holy Spirit, says clearly, do not be deceived. God is not mocked. For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. And he that soweth from destruction shall from destruction reap. So don't wring your hands. Don't play that game with me. We all know what's going on, don't we? We all know what's going on. little Timmy, little Hezekiah. He's about three years old. And it's been raining all morning. So everything is slow, isn't it? And you're trying to get to the matatu. You're trying to get over to Uchumi. trying to catch a bus, get over to Nakumat, do a little shopping and get back. But everything's clogged up, isn't it? Because of the rain. Nobody's walking. Everybody wants on a bus. Everybody wants on a matatu. Everybody's driving their car. And so you're behind schedule. So little Hezekiah doesn't get his nap, does he? And then you get out of your car, out of the matatu, and you're trying to work your way across the parking lot and get in there, and of course he's gotten a little damp, hasn't he? His feet are wet. And he's unhappy, isn't he? Didn't get to see his, read his book, didn't get his cocoa this morning, everything's behind, didn't get his nap, so he's a little cranky, isn't he? And you set him up on that little cart to push him around, to grab some maize, you need some oil and some other things, and the cart's wet, and he's uncomfortable, isn't he? And then you're trying to feel his head, because is that moisture? Is he a little sweaty? And maybe he's got a tooth coming in, you put his hand in his mouth and feel his forehead, you know, because he's acting a little cranky, isn't he? And then you're doing around it. Of course, the place is crowded. Everybody's trying to pick up a few things and get home because they're all running late, aren't they? And so you get there to the checkout deal. You take him out of the cart and sit him there and say, now, don't go away. And then you begin putting things in there. And it's going down the the little conveyor belt, and what does he see? What do all stores keep right at about one meter? And what kind of coverings do they have on them? Bright. You know, you don't see a bag of maize with a cellophane cover that's crinkly with red and bright and silver that reflects the light, do you? But for a child at eye level, that's how they market it, doesn't it? And so what does a little hazard guy do? He grabs it. What's that? He's stolen. It's called stealing, isn't it? Isn't that called stealing? When he's 17 and he doesn't have money to buy a CD and he takes it off the shelf, what's it called? Okay, that's exactly right. But you don't call that stealing. You think it's cute, don't you? And you're laughing at it. But God isn't mocked. You can laugh at stealing all you want, but God isn't mocked. He's not mocked. So he steals it. And you say to him, Hezekiah, put it back. And so what does he do? I want. And then what does he do? He breaks it. He squeezes it. Why does he break it? Because he has found out that if he vandalizes things, you reward him and give it to him. Don't you? Doesn't he? Isn't that true? And you wonder why he's 17 and he vandalizes things. It's because you rewarded it to him when he was three. And so now, you're going to use the number one method of child raising. Oh please, Heather Kaya, please just give that to mommy. Please, I'm so tired. We're late. You're begging your child. That's honoring, isn't it? Beg your child right in front of everybody. That's honoring, isn't it? Well then you use the number two child raising philosophy, which is also very healthy. You bribe him. Hezekiah, if you'll give that to mommy, when we get home, I'll give it back to you and you can have some ice cream. So you're going to reward thievery and vandalism. But Hezekiah knows that mommy often lies to him. And he doesn't get ice cream when they get home. So rather than giving in to a mommy who lies to him, he would rather let mommy honor vandalism and thievery. So he understands, he doesn't he? So then you use the number three child raising method, and this is really healthy. I'll leave you then. I'll just leave you. You're not my child. Now that's healthy, isn't it? I see that all the time. Of course, you're lying to him again, aren't you? Well, he's already established that you lie to him. So he's not concerned about that at all. Not only that, but that's a good deal. So now what is Hezekiah going to do? He's going to take you up on it. He's going to bolt. He's got his candy and his freedom. And then mommy's going to chase him. You can see that, can't you? You can see it happening, can't you? He takes off, doesn't he? And now what do you have to do? Everybody has to wait on you while you chase this disobedient, thieving, vandalizing child. Don't you? And when you catch him, what happens? And you pick him up. And you bring him back. And what do all the mothers do? You've all, the mothers, you've joined the sisterhood of dysfunctional Christians. And you all nod. Oh, what a strong little man. It's all right. We're all raising brass together. It's okay. But God is not mocked, is he? God isn't mocked. God knows exactly what's going on, and then you give him the candy. But what harm is done? Well, the harm that is done is when Hezekiah is 27. His employer calls him into the office and says, Hezekiah, Consolidated's contract is long overdue. You take the night bus down to Mombasa. Here are the tickets. Here's Consolidated's contract. You be up on the 12th floor and get that signed. Your reservation's at the Hilton. You take the management to consolidate it over to the Hilton. You reward them with a big dinner. You'll be up late. You spend the night. Here's return. Here's return bus back. Now, bus leaves at 8 o'clock. I would suggest that you get home and get packed. So you call your wife. You run home. You get packed. You just make it over there. You make the bus change. You get on the bus. You're down there. Of course, it's all clogged up, isn't it? You know, the police checking, and they do their little deal, and finally, finally, about six, seven in the morning, you're down, and you're in downtown Mombasa, and it's pouring down nice, coastal, equatorial rain, isn't it? Wasn't raining up there in nice, dry Nairobi, though, was it? So you're soaking wet, and you've got your reservations and your contracts, and you're trying to keep everything dry, and now it's pouring down rain. It's not this nice, little, polite rain you get in Nairobi. It's that huge, wet, hot drops. And you're getting soaking wet, and what are the streets of Mombasa like? Completely clogged, aren't they? And you're in the cab, and it's stop and go, and everybody's trying to get where they're going, and the matatus are parking at a 45 degree angle, blocking everything. And finally, you're an hour late for your appointment, you're up at the 12th floor, and the secretary says, what are you doing here? We're expecting you at 9. It's 10. And so you wait all day. Finally, at the end of the day, he comes out. What are you doing here? Why is the contract? Oh, forget it. We've already signed with International Limited out of Zambia. You can go home. How does he feel? Really disappointed. Nothing has gone right, has it? And he knows things are going to be really worse when he gets to Nairobi, doesn't he? And he goes home, and he takes the cab back, and he gets out of the cab, and he steps in a pothole filled with water. Oh great, now what? And he walks into the Hilton, and those doors slide open, don't they? And inside, everything is brass, and shiny, and sparkly, and the smell of leather. You know, it just looks so inviting, doesn't it? There's that big mahogany desk. He almost feels better, doesn't he? But right at eye level, when you walk in those world-class hotels, what's over to the right, right at eye level? It's the bar, isn't it? and there's music and the tinkling of glass and soft laughter and your eye is drawn over there and sitting in the bar on the barstool is this very attractive woman tall and slender in a very tight short red dress and she has a drink in her hand and she catches your eye the eye of Hezekiah and turns on her barstool and looks you right in the eye and smiles. Now, what do you want your husband to do? You don't know? I think you should speak up. What do you want him to do? Okay, ignore it. That's good. What do you want your husband to do? Yeah, that's right. You want him to obey God, don't you? But he's tempted. He's got a sore throat. Nothing has gone right. Everything has failed. Right? And you raised him that when things have gone wrong, and he's missed his nap, and he's tired, and he's not feeling good, that the little darling should just have his way. Right? That's how you raised him, didn't you? Shiny, crinkly little plastic, and there's a shiny, tinkly, crinkly little bar with a little tart on a stool. Right? Just take it, right? What do you want God to do? You want God to be a merciful, gracious God, not be legalistic and harsh, and give him the woman. Don't you? Because that's the kind of mommy you are, right? You're not going to be a harsh, legalistic mommy. You're going to give him the candy, aren't you? You're going to let him stay up past his bedtime, aren't you? You're going to let him watch the show, aren't you? You're not a harsh, legalistic mommy, are you? You're just going to give little Hezekiah, when he's three years old, five years old, you're going to let the little darling have his way, aren't you? And that's what you want God to do, isn't it? You just want him to let the little darling have his way. He's had a bad day, and he wants this, or you're just going to give it to him, huh? Isn't that what you want God to do? What do you want God to do? What do you want God to do? You want God to discipline you for His good, don't you? In that Hebrews 12.10, for He disciplines us for our good. In that Psalm 103.13, whom the Lord loves, He disciplines. Isn't that what you want to do? Isn't that what you want? You want the manager of the hotel... Mr. Hezekiah, your wife has been calling all day. Turn on your cell phone. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Turn on the cell phone. Yes, your wife. Oh, Mr. Hezekiah, the pipes have all broken. There's water everywhere. I don't know what to do. Everything is leaking. The whole house is flooded. I just don't know what to do. It's all right, darling. Wait, wait. It's all right. Then you call Deacon Johnson. He lives in your state, Deacon Johnson. Listen. Could you just run over to the house, turn off the water, it's all flooded. Okay, I will. Then you call your sister. Could you get in the car, drive over, pick up Sarah and the kids, and get them out of the house? Then you call the gentleman who's in your men's Bible study group. Listen, I'm going to come straight home. It's going to take me a while. Could you just go over there and be there, do a little crisis management, and make sure nobody breaks in, the place is in chaos. Then you cancel your reservation, don't you? Then you go get in the madadu and you go straight home, don't you? Are you happy the pipes are broken? Are you happy the money you had saved up for the car is now going to replace the tile and the carpet and the furniture? You're not happy about that, are you? But you know what? Later that month in your men's prayer group, you will share how you almost destroyed your testimony. You almost destroyed your marriage and you almost killed your wife with AIDS. But God was gracious and intervened and disciplined you and brought you to yourself, won't you? And that's what God wants you, mommy, to do with Hezekiah when he's three. He wants you to discipline him and make him obey so that when he's 27, he'll know what to do in the same situation, isn't it? We discipline our children because we love them and want them to be successful. Just as God disciplines us for our good because He loves us and wants us to be successful. Lord, we thank you for this time together in your word and we pray your blessing upon it. In Christ's name we pray. Amen.