I'm really working hard on the clap song. But as my friend would say, you are too white to do that right. We were sitting in a pro-life rally one time, and there was a really wonderful black choir singing, and all these hundreds of white people trying to clap along, and it was really pathetic, I have to tell you. Real funny, we laughed and laughed, okay. All right, 1 Corinthians 7 this evening, beginning at verse 25. Now concerning virgins, I have no commandment from the Lord, yet I give judgment as one whom the Lord in his mercy has made trustworthy. I suppose, therefore, that this is good because of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loose from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But even if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless, such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you. But this I say, brethren, the time is short, so that from now on, even those who have wives should be as though they had none. Those who weep as though they did not weep, those who rejoice as though they did not rejoice, those who buy as though they did not possess, and those who use this world as not misusing it, for the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares for the things of the world, how he may please his wife. That is the word of the Lord. Let's pray. Father, again, thank you for giving us your word. And thank you for the promise of your spirit to help us understand it and to guide us in the right way. We pray that you will help us to understand these things so that we can both encourage one another, love one another, and be molded and transformed into the image of Christ our Savior, in whose name we pray. Amen. Well, the topic assigned for this evening is singles and the church. what are we, or how are we to deal with and how are we to think of the whole status of being unmarried? It's a good question because the recent years where the church has been trying, To get back to putting an emphasis on ordering the family and having families where husbands love their wives, wives submit to their husbands, and having godly children, and that emphasis has been so strong. that often, inadvertently, I think, and unintentionally, we end up leaving out those that are not married, and so if you're not married, you come to conferences like this, and you sit around and go, oh, well, I guess I'm just not a part of this at all, and you don't know what to do, and you feel like the proverbial fifth wheel, because you just don't seem to fit in, and that's not the only place you don't seem to fit in. There are other places, aside from Sunday and in church, that you don't seem to fit in. because even Christians don't seem to understand now what to do about those who are unmarried. And the church sometimes has not been very helpful. Throughout the centuries, the church has kind of oscillated between different views on singleness and marriage, and you know that because of things like Gnosticism and Platonism and those influences. Many in the early church and the medieval church came to view marriage and sexuality as second best sometimes sinful, but certainly, at best, second pest. And they exalted virginity as the highest form of life. Being unmarried would be the most holy way to live. And, of course, they would turn to 1 Corinthians 7 for a great deal. of that foundation. After the Reformation, the pendulum swings almost into the opposite extreme, where family life is so exalted that the gift of celibacy and the whole appreciation of being unmarried is almost lost. So you have, prior to the Reformation, Thomas Aquinas denouncing Marital sexuality, marital sex is shameful and exalting virginity. Then Martin Luther after the Reformation insists that everybody ought to be married and if you're not something's wrong with you and I don't trust you and he's a little suspicious of everyone who isn't married. Both of these views are mistaken as I think the Bible makes plain. Marriage is the norm. It is the ordinary calling of most men and women. It's the norm, and that's clear, I think, from the creation account. Adam is created after the image of God, and that implies that being like God, he must have someone with whom he can live in love and with whom he can be fruitful and multiply. God says it's not good for man to be alone for this reason. God's not alone. He's not a solitary monad in the sky. He is three persons bonded in a society, a community of love. And Adam cannot remain alone and show forth fully the image of the triune God. So he needs to have a companion that's not like him, but who can be one with him. You see how that images then the triune God, the Father is not the Son, the Son is not the Father, the Spirit is not the Father or the Son, but they are one, they are joined together, bound together in a communion of love. And so that must be, man must be like that, man must be bound together with someone who is not like him, but with whom he can unite in love. And so ordinarily this is the pattern of human existence. A man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and the two become one flesh. So marriage is the norm ordinarily. That's what God calls you. But that doesn't mean that there is something unholy or even unbiblical or sinful about being unmarried or even living out your life unmarried. It's certainly not wrong to spend a time in an unmarried state. No one is pushing their 6 and 7 year olds down the aisle just so they can enjoy the fullness of life. You certainly have a time where you have to grow into maturity and be readied for marriage. But we need to emphasize that even if God does not call you to marriage, doesn't give you the gift of marriage, then there's still nothing necessarily wrong or some kind of lower existence as living in living a life of singleness. It isn't a higher plane of existence. It's not that you're more holy because you're unmarried, but it is not a lesser existence either. One can still be, and indeed the single man or woman must be, fruitful and multiply in ways other than, obviously, having children. But it is clear that the vast majority of human beings are not called to that, though some are. Stanley Hauerwas, who's a very almost unpredictable theologian, but he says some great things sometimes. He's pointed out that one of the significant changes that the church brought about into the world was its view of marriage and singleness. He says that this was one of the more extraordinary things that distinguished early Christians from the Jews, and it was this, that they did not view marriage as obligatory. Jesus was unmarried and therefore the followers of Jesus didn't have to marry. The church grows not only through married couples having children but through bearing faithful witness to the world and seeing God bring about conversion. And so Harwas points out that was a real change for the world that was a change in the way things look. It wasn't necessary to be married to live as a faithful Christian and one who could be honored. And this also, this giving, legitimizing the singlehood, the status of singlehood, set people free from the obligation of marriage, but it also had a profound effect on marriage. Now you could be married because you love someone. Not because you had to, to be a faithful Christian, but because you love someone and you wanted to be with them. So the whole idea of the proper view of romantic love as a basis for marriage came into existence. The whole notion of romantic love grows out of this idea that marriage is not necessary, not absolutely necessary to live a useful and fruitful life. And of course that comes also from 1 Corinthians chapter 7 and Paul's teaching there. Now, I've already alluded to this a couple of times, but romantic love has been abused. It can be abused. It can become an idol. It has problems, of course, that are connected with it. But in its purest form, as C.S. Lewis points out, he says, it is good and holy. You remember Lewis's book, The Four Loves. He goes through those four types of love, agape, phileo, Eros is the the one that he talks about and he talks about Eros the word from which we get erotic And he says that you know that term now if I say well, that's that's that was really wonderful. It was so erotic You would go. Oh my goodness What is wrong with him? But Lewis is saying no no you have to understand that word doesn't necessarily mean something sinful or or it's not necessarily it's not it's not to be identified with sinful lust. He says very often what comes from the. from what comes first, he's talking about erotic love now. It's not sexual desire, but simply a delightful preoccupation with the beloved, a general unspecified preoccupation with her in her totality. If you ask a man under the influence of Eros what he wanted, the true reply would be to go on thinking of her. Eros then is not to be identified with lust rather rightly understood it's the desire to love the whole being of another and to be loved in return. And so yes it's passionate but that's not bad. God's love for us is passionate. And that's good. He is a passionate husband. Jesus is a passionate husband and he loves his bride and he loves her so much he will fight to defend her and he will do anything he can to deliver her and preserve her. He is not indifferent. He's not an indifferent lover. He's not an arm's length lover. He is a passionate lover. God's love for his bride is that way. And Peter Lightheart notes, God's love for us is erotic, for he takes interest in each of us and loves us in order to evoke love from us. God's love includes his desire to be loved. And that's what Lewis is saying, that's what true romantic love really is. It's true romanticism and it's reflected in a man who loves a woman and desires to please and serve her and to be pleased and filled by her. And this, of course, it can be tainted by self-centered lust, sure, but it's not the same as self-centered lust. This kind of love became possible. when the church disconnected personal worth from one's marital status. Your whole life was not built around or dependent upon your marital status. The church set marriage free to be established on a whole new footing which was just as much a blessing to married people as Paul's teaching and on the gift of singleness was for single people unmarried people. So the church has recognized the legitimacy of the single state the unmarried state but it's important that. that we think about this properly. It's important that we understand the blessedness of being single while not denigrating the blessedness of being married. How can I encourage those who are unmarried to say, you know, rejoice, take heart, Be glad. Serve God. There are lots of blessings that can come. There are advantages to being unmarried, and you need to recognize them without discouraging you and saying, and don't ever think about getting married. You see, you don't want to do the second, but I do want to do the first. So I want to look at both those things first. How should you view yourself, and what should you do, and how should the church respond? to those who are unmarried in its midst. Well, there are a couple of obvious, very important blessings that singlehood brings and affords. And it's important that those who are unmarried realize it. In our culture, singlehood can be a powerful witness against the lust and sexual immorality that's suffused throughout the culture. In fact, it's become a common aspect of our everyday lives. Everywhere you look, that's the subtle message and sometimes it isn't subtle, it's very overt and very right in your face. It is amazing when you think of how common and acceptable sexual immorality has become. If you had fallen asleep in 1950 and awakened last year, you would still not be getting over it, really. It would be that big of a change. Think about it. What was it in 1937 when Gone With the Wind came out? Was that it? Somewhere around in there? 1937. People walked out of that movie indignant because Clark Gable said, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. And everybody went, oh, and walked out of the movie in protest. How dare they do such a thing on the screen? That was 1937. That's not that long ago. My mom and daddy were alive. I mean, my parents, my grandparents were young back then. That wasn't that long ago. And now, look at what you put up with. We're thankful if there's only one nude scene that was only brief. And you find yourself talking about movies. Yeah, it was a really good movie. Oh, well, there was one little scene where everybody got naked and stuff. What do you expect? That's the way we talk now. I mean, it went from the point where somebody, where really a majority of the population of America was shocked over a very, what I think really is a very tame cuss word, to now we're tolerating all kinds of stuff and it gets maybe a mention in the review, usually not. Unless it's, oh well, never mind on that, not enough of that. But it is shocking when you sit back and see how far we've gone in the embrace of immorality and making immorality very common and accepted. Every comedy show, every one of these sitcoms, if there are young people in it, they're living together. Or they've all lived together at different times, and they're friends. Whoa! I need to redo the book. That's not friendship, I don't think. I don't know. This is really crazy. And it's become very common, nothing out of the ordinary, for young people to see nothing. If you go out on a date, how do you close it? You go get something to eat, go to a movie, And you go to bed, that's it, that's the way it goes. And there's nothing, that's no big deal. Whereas when I was in the 60s, listen, at the University of Alabama in 1968, in fact all the time I was there, graduated in 1972, The girls dorm, there were no co-ed dorms, the girls dorm had an 11 o'clock curfew Monday through Thursday, a 12 o'clock for the weekend. A 12 o'clock curfew and if you didn't get your date back in, she was locked out and she was in big trouble. Can you imagine a state university with a curfew? Unbelievable. It is amazing. Nobody thinks anything of fornication anymore. It's not a big deal. And that's the scariest thing about the immorality is now sex and intercourse means nothing. And that is the wickedness of it. When you think it is one of the most glorious gifts God has ever given us, and now teenagers think nothing of it. It's nothing. It's no big deal. Nothing. Why are you upset about it? They look at you like you're crazy. What boat did you bounce off of to get upset about this kind of thing? Nobody thinks anything of fornication and we think very little of adultery unless it happens to one of our friends. We get upset about that cat or that witch or whatever. Living together now is very common, accepted behavior. I recently heard there's a church in our community that has members who are living together and apparently no one thinks it's even worthy of a rebuke, much less church discipline. And it's open, everybody knows it. And it's an evangelical church. No one is expected to live pure sexually in an unmarried state. No one is expected to be a virgin on their wedding day. And if they are, then everyone, the first question in everyone's mind is, what's wrong with them? They must be really warped. They must have a lot of issues, a lot of problems. It's not, oh, good for them. They become suspicious. People think it's not only impossible, but it's somehow a sign that something is tragically wrong with you if you are a virgin prior to marriage. Now, you see, in this culture, an unmarried Christian can have a powerful countercultural witness, and you need to embrace it. and look forward to the opportunity to bear it. If you remain pure sexually, then that is an amazing thing. It's like having children that you can take into a real restaurant. You know, a restaurant without clowns, without golden arches. Yeah, a real restaurant. And they behave. You know how people act when you take your children in? First, the manager wants to know, are all these yours? And you want to say, you don't know, we just go around the neighborhood collecting all these children and bring them to eat with us. Yeah, they're ours, yeah. But then, after a while, the manager comes over and says, I just wanted to come by and say thank you for how your children act. And everybody in the restaurant comes by and says, just wanted to say, it's nice to see your children not being monsters. Well, all right, it's the same way now when you are sexually pure. It's going to be that kind of odd because to most people that's unbelievable, it is unthinkable, it's become the new impossible thing. No one believes that someone could have that much self-control unless you just are deformed or retarded or something wrong with you. And for this reason, faithful singles have a very strong platform for proclaiming the glories of Christ and pointing to his kingdom as life's true purpose and fulfillment and goal. Rich Luska said, the only way you can say no to sexual temptation when it's almost universally indulged around you is to say yes to something even more powerful. And that's right on. This means that unmarried people or in a unique position to put sexuality back in its proper place by refusing to take part in this culture of ungodliness and immorality and the culture that idolizes sexual pleasure. But secondly, singleness is a great blessing because it does, as Paul points out, and Jesus does as well, that it does give an opportunity to serve more freely in the kingdom. Paul's teaching on singleness in 1 Corinthians 7 is that it is a gift for service in the kingdom. So, when Paul says, he says early in the chapter, and I didn't read that, but he says, I wish all men were like I am. He's not saying necessarily I wish nobody ever got married, but he's saying, given the circumstances, I wish everybody was free to serve like I am now free to serve. There's this question, and I don't really know enough to know what the answer to it is, but some people have raised the question whether or not Paul was in fact married at one point, and maybe after his conversion his wife deserted him. He was a member of the Sanhedrin and supposedly the Sanhedrin required you to be married to be a member of it. And so there's some speculation that he might have been married and then become single because his wife departed from him when he became a Christian. Well, whether that's true or not, what is clear is he's unmarried when he's writing this epistle to the Corinthians. And he says, yeah, this is important. But his instruction, you're not to take this instruction and act like this is the standard for all time. We have to read the Bible in its historical context and remember what's going on when the writer is writing. Yes, it is the inspired word of God. Yes, we do learn a great deal from it, but it is important to remember that there are things in the text that tell you that this is not the normal, that help you to understand how to apply peculiar instruction like you have in 7 it does sound very strange when you just read it and you don't think about it and you hear Paul saying, yeah, yeah I think it's very good not to marry. I would encourage people not to marry. Well given the whole tenor of the Bible that just doesn't seem to fit. But we have to remember what he says in verse 26 and 27, I suppose therefore he says that this is good because of the present distress. It is good for for a man to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. He's not saying if you find yourself unmarried, don't worry about getting married. He says in view of the present distress, Now that tells you something was going on when Paul was writing this letter that that mold his instruction here he's saying I'm giving you some instruction in light of the present situation in which we are living and he's talking to first century Christians and what was going on then. Remember that this epistle was written somewhere in the 60s, we assume, the time approaching what Jesus called the last great tribulation that would give birth to the new heavens and the new earth. It would be a time of tribulation, Jesus said, unlike any before it or after. There would be natural disasters and famines and wars and and persecutions. And all of that would be hard enough to face when you don't have the responsibilities of a wife and a family. But how much more difficult is it to face it when you have the responsibility of protecting and providing for a wife and family? You're going through wars and tribulations and famines and all kinds of disruptions. And Paul says, I tell you, in light of the present distress, let me call upon you guys, if you're not married, this is not maybe the time to do it. Let's wait a little bit. This is, in light of the present distress, stay like you are right now. Because it's important that you, if you're not, if you don't have these responsibilities, it's important that you not take them on now. So. A single man can survive these kinds of difficult situations more easily than a man with a family. That's Paul's point. The temptation to compromise the faith rather than be killed or martyred for it is far greater for a husband and a father than it is for a man who's not married. It doesn't mean it's easy for either. But the man who's not married, it's easier for him. It's easier if he doesn't have a wife and children that can be threatened, like happens every now and then. And like happened in the first century where wives and children were held and said, you were told if you don't recant, I will kill your children and your wife before your eyes. Well, that's a difficult thing. And so Paul says, in view of the present distress, I think it's better to remain unmarried during this present time as we head up to the great tribulation. This is not the time to seek a wife. Now, if you're married, he says, God bless you. You haven't done wrong. God will uphold you. Be faithful. which tells you this is a peculiar instruction based on a peculiar time. Now it helps you because let's assume that you're in a situation like that, akin to that. Well then this kind of instruction, you can see, this is how Paul thought would be wise living in a situation that was very disruptive and very dangerous and he knew it was gonna be a difficult time. All right, well if I'm in a situation that is similar to that, that looks like that, that's very dangerous, I may take this and say, yeah, you know what, this may be another time when it's wise to follow Paul's directives because we're also in a situation where there's war and disruption and truly There's a great deal of danger around us. There are parts of the world where this directive might well be followed. But you do need to see that this is not something that he is saying is a general rule. This is something that is particularly important in view of the approaching and apparently the beginning of the tribulation. But this doesn't change the fact that marriage is a great sacrifice. In 1 Corinthians 9, Paul says that the apostles had the right to take their wives with them when they went on missionary travels. And he says, I don't avail myself of that. And by saying that, he is saying he is foregoing something that was good for the sake of service to the kingdom. But Paul knows that such a lifestyle is not for everyone, that it does involve a lot of sacrifice. And the fact that Jesus' example stands before us shows us that. Jesus lived out his earthly life single, and in fact, part of his sufferings, I think, in our behalf, was that he did not, he was not able to take a companion and take a wife. He had all the human desires that you and I have, And that God gives to all men, he suffered the pains of being unmarried just like all others. And when you suffer those pains as an unmarried man or woman, you are sharing in the suffering of Jesus. He felt the same thing and is able to sympathize with your weakness. And you should know that and take heart in that. But one of the main points of 1 Corinthians 7 is that it doesn't matter if one is single or married in the ultimate sense. We can use our situation to serve whatever it is. If we get married, we are not married merely for our own happiness and fulfillment. We are married for the world, for the kingdom, and for the expansion of the kingdom. And likewise, if I remain single, then I don't remain single just for the sake of being free from responsibility and being free to play Xbox all I want. That's not the purpose of being single. No, the purpose of being single is so that you can serve the kingdom more. You've got more time. You have sometimes more resources. You've got the freedom to do things that some of the rest of us can't do. And you're being called, you're unmarried, you have the privilege of doing those things and giving yourself in service even more. So being single can be a great blessing to the world and to the church. as can living out your life in an unmarried state. And this, let me just mention again, this gift, this Paul talks about, this is something that is a gift. It's something that God gives. Every man has his own gift, he says. And Jesus talks about this. He says not everyone can accept this message except to those to whom it's given. It's a gift that enables you to do it. We call it the gift of celibacy. And that's that gift that God supplies to enable you to live out your life happily without marriage. To live out your life contentedly and with fruitfulness without being married. It's a gift given for the purpose of increasing unfettered service for the kingdom. But this is a gift of God and he doesn't give it to everyone. And if you don't have the gift, you need to seek a wife. and you need to be ready to receive a proposal, a husband. So what we're seeing today, we're seeing a lot of increase in singlehood. We're seeing a lot of people, I think the average age of marriage is creeping closer and closer, if it isn't already there, to 30. I may be wrong about that, but it seemed like I heard that somewhere. But anyway, we're seeing an increase in a lot of unmarried people, and I don't think it's because God has all of a sudden thought, this is a great time to give out more celibacy gifts. I'm not sure that that's what's going on. What we're seeing today, and I think it's pretty clear we're not seeing it, when you see two-thirds of Christian unmarried people have thrown away their virginity for sexual relationships. And when you see that these unmarried people are not taking their unmarried state as opportunities to serve, which is the purpose of the gift of celibacy, but rather as for the purpose of extending their adolescence and living like teenagers. And that's not good. There's a great deal of rebellion in the single scene and that can't be blamed upon the increasing are upon the more predominance of the gift of celibacy. So how do we deal with this? What are your responsibilities as a single unmarried adult and what are the church's responsibilities to you? Let me quickly go to those things. The first thing is this, be faithful to, I'm speaking now first to the unmarried, be faithful, continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ. And in saying this, I think sometimes we make a really, a very unrealistic and inhuman assumption that you should be happy in your unmarried state. Well, you can be happy if God doesn't intend for you to be married, you will be happy. I think that's absolutely true. But if you're just now in the time between waiting for marriage and God has not given you the gift of singleness, I mean, yeah, of celibacy, then I don't know how you can be completely happy. So the first thing I'd want to say is, hey, you know what, it's okay to be unhappy about being unmarried. That's all right. just so long as you're not bitter and self-centered and set yourself up as this great victim. Nobody loves me. Nobody loves me. Well, that's a good way to make sure that becomes a permanent condition. You keep walking around like that. No, acknowledge that, yeah, this is hard. You would love to be married, but God hasn't brought it about and you're trusting in him. You give yourself to prayer and you trust in him and you pray for relief. It's normal to be unhappy. It's a sin to be bitter and it makes you ugly. Bitterness I mean. So don't do it. Get away from that. Singlehood is not a punishment from God. It may be chastening to humble you to get you to turn away from your idols. That may be so. And so you do have to sit back and say, yeah, you know what, when God withholds blessings, He has good reasons for that and he expects me to submit to his wisdom. Even if I don't fully understand what he's doing, I've got to submit to that. So I know I have to learn to walk by faith. This is a time now to walk by faith and trust that God, he does love me. He does not want to withhold good things. He knows my heart desire to be married. So I'm gonna walk by faith and not by sight. I'm not gonna be discouraged about my present condition as much as possible and I must learn to deny myself and I must learn to grow in patience and I must learn to love the Lord with all my heart and soul and mind and strength I've got to learn these things if I'm going to be a faithful husband or a faithful wife I've got to learn to be a faithful Christian And I need to know these things. So those who become panicky and anxious in regard to marriage and those who make it their goal in life have made it an idol and have laid the foundation for a great deal of disappointment and sorrow. So don't make an idol of it. Marriage is not a confirmation of your beauty or your intelligence or your coolness. Just look at the people that are married and that proves that. All right. Marriage is a blessing. It is a gift from God and it's to be received with humility. So you make it your goal to be pleasing to the Lord and to serve his people in his kingdom. Your fundamental identity and your acceptance is grounded in Jesus. and confirmed to you in your baptism and in your membership in the family of God. So you rejoice in that, in the knowledge of God's love, and you know that he will not withhold any good thing, and he loves to give good gifts to his children in his time when they are good for you and when you are ready for them. And that's the way we've got to think. So don't mope around thinking life won't begin until you get married. Do the work that God has given you in the present. Keep busy, fill your hands with service, pray that the Lord will grant relief, and bless. But realize that an important part of that relief is going to come through the church. And I know I'm ringing this bell a lot, but I want to keep ringing it because of the culture in which we live, we don't recognize the importance of the church. A number of you have told me, I've got relatives, I've got friends, I know someone really well who's a good friend of mine, and they don't think that the church is important at all. Yeah, I know. People who are members of the church don't think it's important. Yeah, it's a bad situation when God says the church is the body of Jesus. That tells me all I need to know about its importance, right? That's important. And the only church in the Bible is the one you can see and gather with and fellowship with. The invisible church, our confessions define as the whole number of the redeemed, not a parallel universe. It's the whole number of the redeemed, it says, all of the elect from all ages. So the invisible church doesn't exist yet in its fullness. It's when the whole number of the redeemed are gathered at the last day, but then it's not invisible anymore. It's a very unfortunate term, and I can't get off on that, but it's a very unfortunate thing because it's given people the idea that I'm not a member, I don't go to church, but I'm a member of the body. Well look, buddy, the body is visible. And it can be seen and felt and fellowship with and you can eat together and sing together and you can hear the word together and you can talk about it together and learn together. That's the church, the visible church. And you have got to be a part of that. And let me say that again, the church is central to life. And that's true when it comes, it's as true when it comes to your life before marriage as it is when it comes to your life after marriage. You need the church because it's not good for you to be alone. And so even if you're married, you need the church. If you're married with children, you need the church. But it's especially good for you when you're not married. until you're married. You must grow in maturity and readiness for marriage. You must learn that and you learn that best by being involved in God's family. This is very important that you not isolate yourself from the people of God. Living alone makes you weird. I'm going to give you a few quotes that I got from Don Miller in his book, Blue Light Jazz. He says something, he's talking about himself and about how living alone affected him. And it's important to hear it because I think he's right on. And this is true of just about all of us who live alone. He says, when you live on your own for a long time, your personality changes because you go so much into yourself, you lose the ability to be social, to understand what is and isn't normal behavior. There's an entire world inside yourself and if you let yourself you can go so deep inside it you will forget the weight of the surface. Now I believe I've met unmarried people that are like that. They've become bizarre and odd to the point of marveling. Listen, loneliness is something that happens to us, but I think it is something we can move ourselves out of. I think a person who is lonely should dig into a community, give himself to a community, humble himself before his friends, initiate community, teach people to care for each other, love each other. Jesus does not want us floating through space or sitting in front of our televisions. Jesus wants us interacting, eating together, laughing together, praying together. Living in community made me realize one of my faults. I was addicted to myself. All I thought about was myself. The only thing I really cared about was myself. I had very little concept of love or altruism or sacrifice. I discovered that my mind is like a radio that picks up only one station, the one that plays me, K-Don, all Don, all the time. Having had my way for so long, I became defensive about what I perceived as encroachments on my rights. And see what this does? You live alone, and nobody tells you when to do something. You can do what you want. You can sleep sideways in the bed. You can roll around all night long on your bed. But you've got to get your wife in there, or your husband. You can't do that anymore. And she complains and kicks. Man, I didn't think you'd be violent about it. Come on. He says, I became defensive about what I perceived as encroachments on my rights. My personal bubble was huge. I couldn't have conversations that lasted more than 10 minutes. I wanted efficiency in personal interaction. And while listening to one of my housemates talk, I wondered why they couldn't get to the point. It's true. Living alone skews your view of the world. It skews your view of yourself. It can mess you up really badly. And that's why. And you say, well, I'm not messed up. Well, look where you are. You're not, because you're part of the body, and the body keeps you whole. The body helps you not be so flat on one side. It's true that if God doesn't give you the gift of marriage, it's like you only are living with half a brain and one eye. And I don't mean that as an insult. That's something to say that. I don't mean that as an insult. You lame-brained, half-blind person. No, you just don't see in 3D. And it's true. Guys, and every married guy will tell you this. Boy, it's amazing how much your wife sees and picks up on that you just miss. And it happens. And of course, she doesn't see things that we see. It works both ways. All of a sudden, both sides of your brain start working, both eyes. It's wonderful. But living alone can mess you up. And the internet sometimes makes it worse because you get the impression that you're actually interacting with people when you're just typing on a keyboard in your little room. by yourself, and then somebody else in his little room is typing. And you type back and forth, and it is really strange. That's just strange. And both of you think, like, well, I've had a nice interaction there. You haven't said a word. You haven't really seen this person. You don't know what it is. That is creepy. That's not normal. Though it's okay. I think it's okay for communication and stuff, but wow, it's weird to think that is going to be community. That's not community and that you can't allow yourself to begin to think that you're having some kind of real human interaction when that's going on. Really, it's a false communion that enables you to grow in self-centeredness all the more easy because it has that superficial look. as if you were really interacting with other humans. In this regard, what can you do? Well, one of them is to get a roommate and have the aggravation of a roommate. Get a roommate that eats all your little debbies like I used to. My roommate, man. So I was all prepared for marriage. So it's a great way. It's a Christian roommate who really is devoted to the same things and has a similar vision is a very great help because you get encouragement. You don't get to be self pity. You don't get to have the pity parties and have somebody who cares enough about you to tell you snap out of it. Let's go let's get happy smile and let's go get a get a Coke or get a coffee or get something. All right. The third thing you must continue to prepare for marriage and actively seek it if you're a guy. And I guess a girl actively seeking it would be actively being open to it. You continue to prepare for marriage, actively seek it until and unless God gives you contentment in your unmarried state. And you don't have to be afraid of that. I used to be afraid for a while there. I thought, Lord, don't you dare give me this gift. That was part of my prayer, you know, just I'm afraid this might be coming down and I don't want it. So just to let you know. But you see, you don't have to be afraid of it. I was foolish. But the point is, yeah, if I get the gift, then I'm happy. So the point, it doesn't matter. I need to distinguish again between holy discontentment desiring a companion, and sinful, discontent, self-seeking, bitterness whining. I can't help the frustration of not being married when I want to be married, when I'm called to be married, but I must not allow that frustration to become self-centered pity, to fester into full-fledged bitterness and victimhood. That is disastrous. to be content. And marriage, if I'm discontent and filled with bitterness in an unmarried state, marriage isn't going to solve that. I'm going to go into marriage and I'll find other areas to be discontent about. I've got to die to that kind of thing and begin to try to live faithfully in contentment prior to marriage. So, do that, work on those kinds of things, and ask your friends what impression you give to others. Do you have a good friend who can say, yeah, well, I'm glad you asked because you really are a jerk. And I love you, but that's the way you come across. You need to know it. And that's good to know. Because I don't know any guys that really want to be that, but you're coming across that way. Fine. Where you come across is insensitive. You act like you don't care. All right. Well, that's good to know. Good to know. Ask what things you can work on to be more attractive and be what you ought to be. There's nothing wrong with doing what you can to improve yourself and to make yourself more attractive. candidate for marriage. But in the meanwhile, view your singleness as God's gift for the present and use it as a platform for kingdom ministry as much as possible. If it is a gift, it is to be used like all other gifts of the Spirit. It is to be used for the good of the church. And so just as marriage is for the sake of the world and the kingdom, so being unmarried is for the sake of the world in an analogous way. And a gospel shaped life for a single person is going to be one that is deeply involved in community, in the community and the ministries of the church. And of course, finally, you must trust in God. Trust in God. He loves you. He does have a wonderful plan for your life. He does hear your prayers and God's God has called you to redeem the time that is given you now. Now let me quickly, in just the last four minutes, talk about what the church can do. The church leadership, first of all, needs to teach and model the beauty of marriage as God has designed it. Our message to young people must not simply be abstain from sex. Well, yeah, you gotta abstain if you're not married. Sure, you have to be pure, yeah, but that's not all. I've got to affirm and demonstrate and show the goodness and the glory of sex within marriage and the glory and fulfillment of the marital relationship so that they are encouraged that their abstinence is for something. The message of absence must be coupled with training and the encouragement of our children to pursue marriage properly. You see this in the Proverbs. The father does warn his son pointedly, over and over. It is amazing. Extended exhortations in the first, five extended exhortations in the first nine, in the first nine chapters. But you notice that he also encourages his son to look forward to marriage. It's not just, you can't do that. He's saying, you can't do that now. But I'm telling you, God is gonna give you a woman and you will be able to do that. You remember what he says. He says, be intoxicated with her love. He said, you're gonna be given a woman with whom you can be intoxicated. and have her breasts satisfy you at all times. That beautiful passage. That's what the Father does and that's what we, our message as the church must be. So, our children must understand that their need for other people and their need for a sexual relationship is nothing to be ashamed of. It's an aspect of how God's created us. We are relational beings at our deepest core because we are created after the image of God and sex is a part of that. And it's important, secondly, that the church realize and act upon the responsibility, its responsibility to the unmarried. The unmarried state must not be viewed with suspicion or pity or a project all the time that you've got to fix. And it's a blessed thing that women care about fixing things. but it can be a problem, and you have to beware that every time you see one of the single members in the church, you go, oh, I know somebody just for you, and we're gonna plan all this, and so you're plotting all the time, and so they feel trapped all the time, because, of course, they may not like the one you have picked out for them. So you have to be careful, because on the one hand, that's not your project. On the other hand, you may assist in that. So yeah, it is OK also to say, I would like you to meet someone. No big deal, but here's someone maybe I would like to introduce to you. That's all right, because that's part of the way things work. That's how we meet people. That's how God brings together husbands and wives. So it's OK, but it has to be done with wisdom. And it has to be taken in the light of the present story of the individual. In other words, if they're given the gift of celibacy, that's reason to rejoice, not to mourn over it or to sympathize with them. That's a reason to rejoice. They've been given the gift, and that's fine. They're going to be very useful, and we look forward to seeing them work. If they've not been given this gift, then they need the encouragement that we can give them and the comfort. and to stand with them and fortify them so that they can be faithful to God until God grants them their heart's desire. They must be taken in and welcomed into our families. They must be allowed the comforts of home and support and encouragement that that brings. We've always had a lot of college students coming, and so they're off from their own families, sometimes a long way off, and so we have to try to include them so that they're just not out there. They're just not out there. We want to tie them in to our families, not to make them obliged to do anything with us, but the door is always open. You want to come eat with us? Come on. You know, another plate's all right. You're welcome. Every Sunday, it's all right. And so we have our little groups that come and they come and they eat and they have a time where they have a time where they can just sit around. It's not their family, but it is the family. And they can enjoy being around and seeing, you know, little people run around and make noise and help out, cleaning up and preparing and all the things. Have some of the joys of that. so that the pain of loneliness is not born by them alone. That is too great a pain to bear by yourself, just like the pains of sorrow are too great to bear by yourself, which is why we rejoice together and we weep together. And so, we as the family, the church is more than just a family of families, it is the family to all who have no other family. And here again, we have to give practical help where it's wise and where it is really, truly helpful in finding a spouse. Debbie Macon has pointed out and she, wrote the book Getting Serious About Getting Married, she says, our society's war on marriage has had and is having disastrous effects. We have created a cultural system in which marriage is no longer held out as a worthy life goal. Single women are largely left to fend for themselves and the deck is stacked against them because single men don't view it as their obligation to pursue women. for marriage and in fact view marriage as an option rather than an obligation. Okay, that's true. So, what can we do? Well, we can try to counteract that. We can try to do what we can to encourage our brothers to pursue marriage. It is your job to pursue it and to not sit back and wait until you get smitten or whatever the latest term is for that. You are to pursue it and we are to encourage you, which often means just giving you a pretty swift and loving kick in the backside. Young women need the assistance and the guidance and encouragement to wait faithfully until God brings that man alone and be willing and open. to receive that man. Well, there's a lot to be said, and I'm sure there's a lot greater wisdom out there, but God will help us along the way, and it is important that we give attention to this whole issue so that we as the people of God can preserve all of the members, keep all of us growing strong and being a part of this glorious family and kingdom. Let's pray. Father, we do ask your mercies upon us. Help us as your people. to love one another, to care for one another, to esteem each other. We ask that you will help us especially with our unmarried brothers and sisters that we might be wise and be able to help them in this time of their lives. Help us to help them and help them to be happy to receive our help when it is truly helpful. Thank you again for your mercies to us. Thank you for the wisdom of your word and we pray that you will now teach it to us so that we can follow it for Jesus' sake. Amen.