I'm just going to wait a couple of minutes for any people who are straggling, maybe straggling. Whenever I see the guys on the religious station and they have these little things like this, I always think they're so goofy looking. Now I've got to wear one myself, so it's a new experience for me. If you brought your Bibles, you might want to have those available. If you didn't bring your Bible, well, I'll read all the scripture passages. OK, I think I'll begin then. First of all, my name's Brad Handgartner, and I know most of you, I think. But for those of you who don't know me, I thought I'd give you a little biography of myself and my family. We've been attending RCC for about 20 years, and we joined 18 years ago. And I have four children. Brian's 23, Melissa's 21, John's 19, and Kenny's a senior in high school. And Brian just finished graduating in civil engineering from Portland State. Melissa's going to go to OSU next year. John's finished his first year of engineering studies at Clackamas, and Kenny's still at home with mom. getting help from Gram and Grampa as well. Dennis asked me a couple weeks ago if I'd be willing to lead a breakout session on planning. And I thought to myself, there's at least two dozen men in our church who could easily give this talk because one of the neat things about RCC is the leadership of the men and how they take a real interest in their families and help plan for their wives and children. And so, Having said that, I think a lot of you that are here can share some ideas you might have regarding planning for the family and setting goals. So we'll look forward to that. I work as a financial controller at a small manufacturing facility in Portland and I've been doing that there for about 12 years. So let's begin with prayer and then we'll get into the session. Lord, thank you for this time and we pray that we might learn more and be encouraged to set worthy goals for our families, our wives and children and ourselves, and that we might persevere in that and see those goals achieved and be open to your leading as we do these things. So help us now and help us to learn and help us to rejoice in your word also. And we pray this in Jesus' name, amen. OK, first I'm going to just have a summary review of some of the concepts of planning and goal setting that are in the Bible. And typically, a breakout session is where there's a guy gives a speech, and then you come out and you talk about what he talked about. And so this is a little different. This is actually going to be a standalone session. Although you'll see as we go through this that a lot of stuff we talk about today really dovetail well with what he talked about last night in terms of parents and their assumptions about their kids. Okay, the first verse that I recalled was Psalm 90 verse 12 that you all know. It says, so teach us to number our days that we may present to thee a heart of wisdom. So first of all, we're all supposed to be accountants like me. We're supposed to count our days. How many days have gone by? How many days are left? And then how am I going to use those days so that I can have a heart of wisdom to present to God as I grow older and eventually die? And how can I pass it on to my children? Another verse about planning and using your time wisely, Ephesians 5 verses 15 and 16. And that reads, therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So we're encouraged, we're commanded to make the most of our time. And obviously, one of the ways you do that is you have a plan, and you execute your plans to achieve certain goals. And then the final verse that I had, actually the second to the last, is from Proverbs 16, verse 9. And this talks about how all men are planners. So it's kind of built into man, planning man, thinking man, worshiping man. All men plan. And just a question of how you plan and what you plan for. And this is Proverbs 16, verse 9. The mind of man plans his way. but the Lord directs his steps. So again, everybody plans, and then as you execute those plans, God directs you. So also included in this verse is this concept that God is sovereign over our plans, right? Because he directs our steps. So you might have a plan, but guess what? The plans will be worked out differently than you envision at the outset, because God changes them over time. And then the final, A particular verse is from Proverbs 14, a couple of them, where God teaches us that it is wise to plan. It says in Proverbs 14, 8a, the first section of the verse, the wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way. So if you're a prudent person, a wise person, you understand where you're going You understand where you've been. You understand where you're headed. So that's what a prudent person does. He doesn't just walk out blindly into life. And then a similar passage, Proverbs 14.15b, the second half of the verse, the prudent man considers his steps. So each step of the way, each part of your plan, you're considering what you're doing as you go. And then, of course, at RCC, we have our church vision statement based on Matthew 28 that we all know. And so that's the master plan for all that we do, correct? We're to disciple ourselves. We're to disciple our families. We're to disciple all the nations. And we're supposed to teach them to do everything that Christ has commanded us. So you bring into that realm, then, of course, all of life. vocation, the arts, business, civil government and on and on. So, as you construct your plans, as you execute your plans, you always want to keep that in mind that overarching all of that is the master plan of the great commission. And then finally, you have the promises that if we seek God's kingdom first, then everything will be added to us. So we have to also, that's another consideration when you make your plans, that they should be in line with God's word. And the last section is Christ's warning in the Sermon on the Mount that unless we build our plans on his word, when troubles come, everything will be destroyed. Your life will be ruined. And so that's another negative admonition that God gives us to do his will when we plan. OK, next I'm going to talk about choosing goals. So we'll talk a little bit about how you decide what your goals are, how can you look at your goals, then we'll look at how to persevere in our goals, or in other words, develop a vision for ourselves and our family for our goals. Now, regarding choosing goals, there's lots of different ways that you can choose goals for your family. And in this group, obviously, the primary thing is that they need to be based on God's word. But there's a couple frameworks you can use to help you take that huge area of goal setting and break it down into smaller pieces, right, to analyze it. There's a verse in Luke 2, verse 40. And Jesus grew in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man. So I'm going to use the white board now with blue ink. And from that, you can derive the following four categories. Jesus grew in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man. And you may disagree with this interpretation. I do somewhat. But it's a good tool to help break things out. So he grew in wisdom. We'll call it intellectual. So you can have intellectual goals. He grew in wisdom and he grew in stature. So you have physical goals. And then he grew in favor with God. So you can call those spiritual goals. And that's where we vary a little bit from this pattern. Spiritual goals. Or you could call that personal growth in grace. And then finally, in favor with man. So now you've got social goals. So the idea is that you can look at yourself, or you can look at your children, or you can look at your wife or your family in general, and just kind of say, how are we doing? How do we need to develop intellectually? How do we need to develop physically, spiritually, and socially? And so you can just kind of go through and build up a bunch of goals based on that. We'll get into later how you might do this with your family. But this just gives you a pattern that you can use to break out the various goals that you might want to set for you and your family. Of course, another way to do this is another pattern that I like to use when I think of my children, especially, and this is regarding a breakout as well. It has five sections. One of them is devotional, and by that again I mean, how are they doing in their own personal walk with the Lord? Are they reading the Bible? Are they learning scripture? Are they learning to confess their sins? Are they paying attention in church? Are they attending Sunday school regularly? Are they growing individually in grace? Then there's doctrinal, which I kind of often think is more cerebral. And again, I know I'm splitting things apart that really all fit together as a whole. But in terms of doctrine, do they really understand things like the Trinity, what are their thoughts on God's law, on eschatology, and other subjects like that. In other words, can they talk to me clearly about the various doctrines that I think are important and that our church emphasizes and that the word teaches us? So there's devotional, doctrinal. Number three, for the children. and for myself as well, of course, are what I call interpersonal or social skills. So here you have things like manners. Do they have good manners? Are they courteous? Do they let the lady go first? Do they open doors? Do they know how to converse well? In other words, do they know that when you engage in conversation, it's like a ping pong game, right? You hit the ball there, and then they respond. They hit the ball back, then you talk back to them, and so on. Do they understand? Are they applying these social skills that are very important for success in life, and they're very important to be effective for the kingdom of Christ? And then there's the physical. And here, I think primarily, well, I think of physical skills. Things like, for a gal, it would be something like sewing. That's how I look at it. You might call that vocational. And then I'm thinking of, for the boys, I think of things like sports. I think of things like hunting. Can they shoot a gun? Can they load a gun? For the boys especially, I've always encouraged them to be in sports, because sports is a good place to learn that you're not so great after all. Because there's always somebody that's bigger, stronger, faster, or better than you. So it's a humbling experience. So I always had all my boys do sports, whether they wanted to or not, for a period of time, so that they could get knocked around a little bit, so that they know that they're not quite so great. Another thing I threw in here is hobbies, just because often hobbies are of a physical nature. Do you have goals for them and hobbies? And then finally, number five is vocational. Vocational goals for the children. So again, when we get into more specific planning, you can look at each child. And it's just a grid to go through to help you to make sure you're not missing anything. How are they doing devotionally, doctrinally, interpersonally? How do they interact with others? Other peers and adults. Socially, how do they do well in terms of manners and courtesy? Physical, how are they developing physically? What are their needs there? And then finally, vocationally, how are you helping them prepare for a good vocation? Is that pretty clear? Any questions or thoughts about that? Doug? How are you applying that in a day-to-day basis, weekly, monthly? Yes. Yeah, there you go. Well, we'll get into that in just a minute and talk about that. Now, the next section that I want to get to is regarding perseverance and goals. So how many of you have embarked on an adventure, great or small, that starts out with great fanfare and excitement and then within a short period of time fizzles and is completely forgotten about? I've, yeah, dozens of times. And so the trick for us, or the The difficult part is in the execution of these goals. It's easy to sit down, write a bunch of lofty goals, but it's much more difficult to bring them to fruition. So at work, sometimes guys in my position are referred to as an executive. And the reason they are is because they're to execute the commands essentially of the owners of the company. So our whole thing is we have to execute the plans that are put in place by the owners. And that's not easy to do. And it's not easy to do with the family either. And so we're going to talk a little bit about how we can persevere in our goals. It's really critical. Has everybody got this that wants it? Or you have it memorized if you didn't bring any paper and pencil? I have no handouts. Okay, so now about perseverance. Years ago, I was at a presentation at a new warehouse opening. And the fellow that had designed the warehouse had all these lines on the floor to where they were supposed to store paper. And this was a young MBA out of Northwestern, and they really think they've got the world by the tail. So he was strutting around giving us this presentation, and Like Dwight Eisenhower said, a plan is nothing but planning is everything. And I thought, oh brother, what's he talking about? Well, if you think about it for a while, that's a good point. Now, Dwight Eisenhower. And of course, at the time that he said this, he was General Eisenhower. And he was later the President of the United States. And he was the leader of the Allied invasion of Nazi-occupied Europe in World War II. And so he was in charge of planning this. And the plans were monumental. And they were the largest seaborne invasion ever executed. Now, it involved thousands of men, tens of thousands of men, hundreds of ships and airplanes. And all these had to be equipped. Everybody had to be trained in their specialty. All the men had to be coordinated and sustained in this complex series of maneuvers. So part of what Eisenhower learned through this venture was that he'd put together a plan with all of his brilliant staff. And then a week later, they'd find that they had to move where they had to land because the Germans had something that they didn't suspect. So then they had to redo that whole plan. And then they said, well, gee, what if there's some ships, some German submarines there? And then they'd say, well, we'll have to plan around that. So then they'd change their plans again, and so on and on. So the whole idea is that you can sit down and have these goals for your family, But what you have to realize is that those plans will change. It's just inevitable. And so one of the things that you have to do is you have to continually plan. So Doug, to one of your points, how do you get this going? Well, you don't just plan once, but you continue to plan throughout the lifetime of your family. So what you have to do is you have to constantly adjust your basic plan, or maybe you even have to jettison a part of your plan and replace it with something new. So this is true of your family. Okay, so again, in order for your goals to be successful, you must persevere. You have to stick to your goals or you will likely never reach them. Now, there's a couple of sayings. What is it? There's a couple of sayings that I've heard regarding planning. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So you do want to have a plan, but you need to keep adjusting that plan. And another phrase that I've heard over the years is if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time. So you do want to make sure you have plans so that you're aiming towards something. Now regarding these plans, you want to set your goals and then review them regularly. And you want to review them individually, you want to review them with your wife, and you want to review them with your family. Now, Carolyn's always looking at new ways to make her housework more efficient. And years ago, she read a book and they talked about the Mount Vernon method. which was Mount Vernon is where George Washington lived, right? And it's this big monument now, or open kind of historical site. It's a huge building. And the house cleaners always thought, well, how can we keep this place clean? So they developed the Mount Vernon method, which is very simple. You start at one place in the building, and you just keep moving around until you get it all done. It's very simple. Now, I have a Mount Vernon method that I use for keeping goals fresh for my family. It's not the same as the cleaning method, but it's based on what George Washington did. I read a number of years ago that George would get up, and he would be at home at Mount Vernon. And it was a plantation, so he had servants, and he had orchards, and he had animals, and he had fields, and he had all these outbuildings, and he had his own family, and horses, and on and on. So it was quite a large undertaking. But what he would do is he'd get up early in the morning, And he would go to his study, and he would sit down at his desk, which I'm sure was a very nice desk, and he would plan the day. He would think about each aspect of his plantation and his family, and he'd figure out, today, what do I want these people to do? We need to put a new roof on this place. We need to feed these horses extra oats. We need to prune these trees, and on and on. And then he would set his day, and then he'd go out, and he'd see that it was done. So essentially what I do. is similar. The whole idea of a husband is the same word as husbandman. And that's the idea of a man who cultivates the ground, who tills the ground, and makes it fruitful. And so a husband, which I'm talking to husbands now, primarily, we need to do the same for our family, our wives. We're there to create an environment to help them grow and thrive. We need to keep an eye on them just like a farmer does or George Washington did on his plantation. We need to be constantly aware of where are they, what needs to be done, how can we help them, how can we help them thrive. So just like George Washington, but not probably in his nicest study, what I like to do in the morning is I'll get up and I'll read the Bible for a little while. And of course, usually before I do that, I have coffee to help me think. And then I think about the family. And I think about the goals that we've set. And then I think about where are we. And I'll write the, I'll have them written down, I'll review them and I'll think, okay, where are we in these different areas? What, how are we progressing and what new things do we need to do or what do we need to change? And that does a few things, of course. One is that it keeps it fresh in my mind. And number two, it helps me monitor our progress. And like I was saying, a plan is nothing, but planning is everything. As things come up, you might have to adjust your plans. And I think that's particularly true as the children are growing, right? Because they're kind of becoming fully formed people. When they're young, their personalities are evident, but it's certainly not as clear where their strengths and weaknesses are going to be in a lot of the areas. So for example, let's say you have a son who has an anger problem. Well, now you know that's got to be one of your goals as that becomes evident. You might have another child who's, say, weak in spelling. That's going to become another goal. It becomes evident as time goes on. And then as you move toward vocation, you have to say, what are their strengths and weaknesses now? How can I take into account their strengths and then help direct them or at least have them research particular vocational avenues as they grow? So if you can keep this fresh in your own mind, men, as you lead or as individuals for your own goals, then you can monitor where you're going and you can hopefully persevere in those. So this is my first question for you. This is what I find is helpful for setting goals and reviewing goals. What are some other venues you have found personally or for your family in terms of, here's how I like to review my goals, or here's the setting that I like to use for setting my goals? Do you go away to a mountaintop? Do you talk to your wife? What do you do? Yes? We try to go away once a year to set goals for the kids, and then review them every year. Okay, so it's kind of like a... Good. Breakfast with children. OK. Anything else? Any other ways you do that, set your goals? We'll get more into that in a little while. And I've heard of this a lot, and it must work. Right. Little date, little romance time. That's good. OK, so let's say that you have a goal that all of your children will be, well, one of our goals has been that our boys will be vocationally prepared for several reasons. One is so that they can raise a family. And I told them that they need to have an income sufficient so that they can live when they have to tithe and then have a little leftover for cigars and a little alcohol. So that's basically been my goal for them. So what we do is it's part of this thing that Reverend Wilkins was talking about yesterday, is the whole idea of sharing stories, the stories of life. So ever since the kids have been very little at the dinner, and this is when we typically do it, is at the dinner table. So what we have, our kind of rule at home is during dinner is when you have fun. And you have kind of enjoyable stories. And then maybe after dinner, when you're studying the scriptures, then you might come down a little bit on sin problems. And then usually, if it's an individual problem with a child, we like to do it separate, if possible, from the rest of the family. So at the dinner table, I've talked about friends and acquaintances, relatives, men who are very able men, men who are intelligent and driven men. who because they didn't prepare vocationally have been struggling financially their entire lives. And so I'll say, well, so and so. You know, he's a great guy. He works harder than I do. He's smarter than I am. He has a lot of initiative. But because he didn't get particular training, this is what's happening to their family now. These are the problems that they're having. And so I'm really open about that. Some people, say don't talk about finance with your kids. Well, that's not true in our family. So by doing that, I try and create this vision within the boys and for Missy too to be on the lookout for a guy who's vocationally trained at some point to prepare vocationally. So it's something that you start when they're real young and you keep building over time. And then, again, you do the positive stories and the negative stories. And this goes back to the book of Proverbs that Reverend Wilkins was talking about. You can say, well, here's a guy who didn't prepare, and here's what's happened. Here's a guy who did prepare, and here's what happened to him. Men of equal ability, et cetera. But it's the preparation. It's the planning and execution that made a difference. Yes? So that vocation, how important would you say it is at a young age to have your vocation locked in? As far as once the kids start college, do you think that it's, how important is it to keep to that goal of your vocation and not say, oh, I think I decided or I need to switch to another vocation. Okay. Well, I'll just tell you, you know, you've probably asked this and read about this question dozens of times. Oh, I have. And they all kind of say the same thing, but I won't say what they say. I think that, again, if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time. You know, every journey starts with the first step and all that stuff. So I think that as you set a goal, like let's say I don't know what I want to do. And you go, well, why don't you study business? So you head out and you start studying business. And then you go, you know what? I hate business. And then you go, well, OK. You can use what you've learned here, and now you can become a medical technologist. So you head over that way. I don't like the thing of just I have no goals. My view is you set a goal anyway, a specific goal that you go for, and then God will direct your steps. You plan your way, God directs your steps, and it's not a sin to change your mind. But I think unless you're locked in, I think it's really hard, for example, to go to a vocational school or college and be successful, even if you have a strong goal, let alone if you really don't have one. So I just kind of say set a goal anyway, even if you're not sure. Yes? I think just to tie into that, too, I think it's always been beneficial for me is to set a goal, but always have a backup one, too. I always use two and this is what's going to happen and this is what's going to happen Right. And so like with Jonathan, Jonathan, I don't think he minds me saying, he's not exactly sure if he wants to do engineering, but he has the capability of taking the classes and passing. So he did his first year engineering. Well, if he wants to switch to any other major, it's not a problem because all those classes will transfer over to another degree. So that's the backup plan, right? So the initial plan is pretty clear. I'm studying engineering. But there's a fallback plan so that if he changes, everything isn't wasted. You know, okay. Another example you can use besides relatives and friends are, of course, political and kind of public figures. I mean, they're kind of good targets. You know, you can talk about the Kennedy family many times about what's happened to the Kennedy family over the years and other people that come up at work and in the media that are examples, clear examples of the two paths of life. And you can use those to teach them and reinforce your goals. Now, the other thing about persuading the family is sometimes I think, well, I've told these sorts of stories several times. But whenever I get a new story to emphasize a point for goals, I like to tell it. Because if you look at Proverbs, the first nine chapters are essentially an introduction to a 31-chapter book. And he keeps pointing out, here's why you should seek wisdom. Here's the blessings. And if you don't seek wisdom and go down the wrong path, here's the curses. And he repeats it for nine chapters. This is God's word. And so to spend a lot of your time trying to persuade your children, to take certain actions is a good thing. It's how God works with us. He doesn't just cut to the chase and says how you do it. He spends a lot of time persuading us why we should do the right thing. So it's obviously a need we have to keep that vision in front of us all the time. So some of the things that we talk about are rushing into marriage, lack of preparation for a vocation, unwarranted debt, and poor work habits. So again, to train your, get your guys ready vocationally and your daughter, if she's going to be working much at all, is pointing out what happens to guys with bad work habits and making it very clear to them through these stories about life. Another time that I really find beneficial, I do take, like to take Missy to breakfast from time to time. But with the boys, we spend a lot of time working on projects together, so we can talk then. But particularly, if we ride in the car together alone, I love that time to kind of talk about different goals that they have. Do you want to be in speech next year? Do you want to do sports next year? Have you thought about what you might want to study in college? What do you think of that, Gal? Whatever it might be, all things that are related to goals, I like to do with the guys in the car. Yes, Michael. Talking to them? Well, okay. Well, since they could learn to listen to me, I suppose. And see, a lot of it was, what's important to us as a family? And every family has their own culture. And so there were certain things that I would try and emphasize from the get go. So it's been from the beginning. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah, I like to tell the stories. Kids like stories. They like a Baptist preacher that tells stories. Connie, you had something. I was just going to say, already with my kids, I try to use their sphere of influence, like their rules or whatever, to have them become motivated that this is mine. Okay. That's good. So you kind of start them off. Here's some goals for you. Keep this room clean. Yes, Doug? Have you listened with the kids to any CD teachings on planning? Well, right now, let's see. What is that book we're reading now? Seven Steps to Greatness? I don't know. It's kind of a seven characteristics of greatness. And a lot of stuff we've done have been character things and Bible studies. I did have the boys read a book by a Reformed author called, what was it called, John? About the jobs. Basically choosing your job or something, and it's kind of a vocational thing. And like most of those, like most of those, it doesn't help them decide, but it gives them some avenues to pursue. So there's books like that that are out there. Pardon me? Oh, yeah, and I had the boys take a vocational test. Now, we had a man who used to be a member of our church that, as part of his company, he would administer these vocational tests. And he said, they're interest tests, basically. And he said he's had yet to have anybody that took the test actually pursue the vocation that the test said he should do. But anyway, what I try to do is get the boys thinking. So back to, I guess, Patty's question earlier about giving your kids direction and setting goals. See, my parents were really hands-off, you know, World War II generation. I don't know why that was, but it was kind of like, hey, it's up to you, you decide whatever you want to do. Okay, so that was sort of one ditch, basically no involvement. And then the other ditch is, you know, tell your four-year-old, you're going to be a medical doctor. And we're starting now. So there's those two ditches. So what I've tried to do with the boys is say, hey, vocation's important. It's critical for dominion. It's critical for building a strong family and a strong church. And you've got to start thinking about it. Even though you're 12, 13, whatever you are, it's a serious part of life. You've got to grow up, start thinking about it. What am I good at? What am I not good at? What do I want to do? They check out the job sites and all that sort of stuff when they're young. Okay, where were we? Okay, so we're talking about sharing a vision for their goals. Now, another one that I try to emphasize with the children is the whole idea of the parable of the talents. So essentially, this parable is saying how serious it is in God's sight that you use your talents for God. Remember, the guy that buried his talents and didn't develop them, what ended up with him? Yeah, I don't know if he was cast into hell or what, but it was not a good thing. It was very, very bad. OK. OK. So you've got a real serious teaching by the Lord about using the talents that God has given you. And the idea that we need to be faithful with what God has given us, no matter how great or small his gifts to us are. You know the old thing, what? To whom much is given, much is required. And that's why I always tell Howard Lawrence that God doesn't require much of me. But the whole idea is whatever you've got, you've got to develop it. It's your responsibility. It's on your shoulders. So even though we're trying to help you, you've got to get some skin in the game yourself. So that's another thing that we try and do to help motivate them for this vision, these goals that we have. OK, now we'll get into the suggested process for goal setting and planning. This is something that you can do individually. It's something that I've done for the children. I mean, that I've written out for the children and for Carolyn in those Mount Vernon sessions that I try and have regularly in the morning. Is I start out with a blank sheet of paper. It's kind of like the universal form. And what I do is, I list my goals on those. And one of the ways that I do it is I can do that paradigm that I had earlier about wisdom, stature, and favor with God and man. How are they doing in these four areas? How are they doing intellectually? How are they doing physically? How are they doing socially? And how are they doing spiritually? And then I can look at those other areas as well that I had, the five areas. And I just start listing out where they are and where I think they need to go. So the other thing I can do is I just list their strengths and weaknesses. And this helps, particularly in vocation, I think, of the children. And you can do this for yourself, too, and for your wife. So you list out, you know, Kenny's really good at talking to people, for example. You might have a weakness with a particular child. We'll go through an example of this in a minute. And then once I have these things listed, I might have particular goals or physical goals. Say I want Kenny to play basketball this year. I want somebody to work on their anger. And I'll list these for each person. And then I try and see if there's some kind of relationship between these items. And we'll get to that for a minute. Then once I've got it somewhat organized, then I think about what's the most important thing, right? You want to prioritize, if possible. And that's where it gets overwhelming. There's another phrase that fit a place where I worked once. There's a phrase, if everything is a priority, nothing's a priority. And so you only have limited time, and that's the whole thing about planning. is that you have to ration out your time, what's important to you. Helps you clarify your goals and it also helps you use your time wisely. So it's very important to prioritize what's really important because you only have time to do certain amount of things with your children and with your wife. And then you need to develop plans to reach the particular goals that you have or if it's a weakness you have to think about how can, what can we do to overcome this weakness. Then what Carol and I do, and people at RCC know that we do this pretty regularly, Carol loves to get a hot cup of water or tea and some chocolates, and I love to have a glass of wine and a cigar. And we'll talk outside, you know, we'll sit down and talk. And we'll talk about these things when we're together. We'll talk about, well, what about this problem with the kid? Or what do we want them to develop in this particular area? Or where are they having problems with the Lord in this particular area? And so that's one of the things that Getting this down on paper helps me do is it helps keep it fresh in my mind. So that when I talk with Carolyn, we can talk about these things. And then her input helps me to modify what's really important. Because obviously, it's the old thing. Your wife has a different perspective, right, on things than you have. And she'll see things that you'd never see. Well, or would see and not recognize. And then you can work with the children. And one of the problems I have is I'll have a session, and I'll write these goals down. And I'll have 30 goals. And I want to go, OK, here's 30 goals. Let's sit down. Let's talk about these 30 goals. Well, I don't do that. When I have an opportunity, I'll bring up a particular goal. Again, when we're driving the car, or we're working together, or something comes up. And those will be fresh in my mind, so I'll be able to suggest, hey, let's try and work on this. So in a way, it's almost manipulating them, because I don't really want them to know I'm up there with this huge master list that would overwhelm them. And then part of the technique is I like to try and develop their strengths, and then try and eliminate their sin or compensate for weaknesses. So when it comes to sin, of course, there's the whole idea of replacement, where you need to replace the sinful action with something positive. So that's part of the goal, the planning of the goal. The other thing that I try and do with the children is when I'm instructing them in goals, I try and balance the positive with the negative. Because if you're always doing negative, it's emotionally unbalanced, so they feel really bad. So I try and always give them encouraging remarks about things that they're doing well in terms of reaching goals. And then when I have new goals, things that they need to change, I try and have fewer of those, okay? Now let's see, let's take an example here of how we might do this. Are we supposed to stop at any minute? I think we've got maybe 15 minutes, do you think? I think so. Okay, so here's my list that I wrote out. And I tried to think of a name of a child that wouldn't be in the group, and this is Herbert, okay? So Herbert is 14 years old. So what I did with Herbert, boy, it's gonna be hard with this one. But essentially, I listed his strengths to kinda get an assessment of how's Herbert doing? He's 14. So I said, well, he's hardworking. Okay, so that's good. And then I said he shows initiative in school and chores. And by initiative that means if he sees it needs to be done, he does it. He doesn't wait to be told. I said he likes people. He gets along well with his friends and likes to be with them. He does read his Bible and pray regularly. So that's a good thing. I say he's a good reader. This is Herbert. And that he's organized. And some of those things, as you review them over time, you can start seeing how that might fit into a particular vocation. OK, now poor Herb, he's got some weaknesses, too, like all of us do, things that we need to overcome. So I said, well, and this is an issue of discipline, as well. He wastes time playing computer games. And I know most people don't have any family members that do that, but he does. This guy does. So on the computer, Harvey spelled computer, he gets sassy with us from time to time. He talks back to us when we ask him to do something. That's a problem. He's poor at algebra and higher math. He can do his multiplication and all that, but that's where it ends. He does not engage adults in adults in conversation. He has no strong desires vocationally. In other words, he doesn't know what he wants. And he can't shoot a basketball, the poor kid. And he's 14. So let's say that we had our Mount Vernon moment there, and you started thinking about your son Herb, and you kind of jotted these down. He's hardworking. He shows initiative in school and chores. He likes people. He is reading his Bible and praying each day. He's a good reader, and he's organized. But he wastes a lot of time on the computer. He gets sassy with us, mom and dad, sometimes. He just doesn't seem to get algebra. He doesn't engage adults in conversation. The adult will talk to him and he won't look them in the eye. He'll just kind of shy away. He has no strong desires vocationally. We've talked about it. He doesn't really know. And he can't shoot a basketball. So then I try and think. How can I kill two birds with one stone when I think about my kids? Can I combine things to help them meet multiple goals? So in this case, I decided, all right, he wastes time on the computer, but he can't shoot a basketball. So guess what? I'm gonna work with him. I'm going to say, when I see him sit down at the computer or he wants to play that and he says, we say we can't, I'm going to say, let's go outside and I'll teach you how to shoot a basketball. So I'm looking at his strengths and weaknesses and I'm figuring out how I can combine things to reach goals that I have. So by replacing the bad with the good, which is the biblical principle, right? Let him steal. If you have somebody who steals, let him steal no more, but rather let him work with his hands. Okay, so you're replacing one activity, a bad activity, with a good. So you get rid of the bad activity. You've got to replace it with something good. You can't just tell your kids don't do something. You have to help them do something good. Okay, then I thought about the fact that he doesn't engage adults in conversation. And I think what I would do is I'd start talking to him, because he likes his friends. He loves to see them. He loves to engage with them. He loves to talk with them. So what I'm going to try and get him to realize is that adults, in some ways, are like your friends. They like to be talked to. They like to engage in conversation. They like it when you pay attention to them. They like it when you show them the respect of listening to them. So just like you like playing with your friends and you like to talk with them, Well, take time with adults and engage them in conversation. So in other words, I'm trying to take a strength and help it overcome a weakness. So that's another thing you can do. The other thing I can do is try and take his strength of initiative and say, you know, when you see something that needs to be done, you do it. You know, you see that there's, you know, we spilled something on the floor and you're good about cleaning that up. Well, in the same way that you show initiative there, when you see an adult and you're with an adult by yourself, well go ahead and address them. Show some initiative and say, you know, hello Mr. Smith, how are you today? Or how is your family? So I'm trying to help them build on their strengths and overcome weaknesses. And then you've got a more difficult question, which is poor Herbert is not good at algebra. So now you have to figure out how am I going to help him? with his algebra, right? So what are some ideas you have? How would you help him? What are some suggestions you might have? Pardon me? Oh, so you're still up here. Oh, OK. So let's just pretend that he's worked really hard and he still can't do it, the poor kid. He's just got a mental block. That's how I was when I was in eighth grade. OK, so one idea is I'll just put him up here. OK, computer math. That would be one idea. What other ideas do you have? How I can help Herbert? Or herb. Herb? Herb. Forest? No? Well, of course, there's other things, right? There's tutors. There's like, in our area, there's that class that, well, you can send them to King's Academy, because I just looked at Rose. Because they allow kids to go there part time, right? So you can send them over there. How do you spell academy? OK, then there might be relatives that you have that are really good teachers. So maybe there's a relative that can help. We have a grandfather that's really good at math. OK? Well, how else might you help Herbert? None of you have kids that have difficulty with math, apparently. Are there any other ways? Okay, so you can get a computer thing, you can hire a tutor, you can send them off to King's Academy, you can have relatives help. Rewards? Rewards system? Now that's one I wouldn't think of. Well, it still might motivate them, I don't know. Okay, so essentially we just had a brainstorming session, right? And that's what you can do yourself during your Mount Vernon time, or especially when you meet with your wife and talk with her. Yeah, Sally's just, or Herbert here, gosh, you just can't do this math, what are we gonna do? Well, we might do this, we might do that, and so I love When you brainstorm a case, for those of you that don't know, the rule is you generate ideas, as many ideas as you can, and you don't evaluate them at the time. You don't, like if Carolyn said, well, what about King's Academy? I wouldn't go, oh, come on, we don't have the money for that. You don't evaluate it. You just get all the ideas down, and then you go back and you say, okay, now let's look at these. And then you say, okay, now these, which ones should we use and which ones are out of line? So you might say, well, Maybe we say, well, we don't like the reward system philosophically. I mean, no offense. I mean, maybe you love the reward system, and there's maybe nothing bad with it. But maybe we just decided we don't want to do that. And then you might say, well, none of our relatives are really good at that, so we won't do that. And then you start saying, well, which would be better, a tutor or a King's Academy? And you might say, I don't know what. But anyway, you eventually work out a plan from your ideas. Because you've got to solve the problem, right? These are all the ideas you have. So this is your bag of tools that you can reach into. So you've got to make a plan, period. So that's another thing about planning is sometimes there's no good alternative. There's no silver bullet. But you've still got to make a plan and start working it. And you might learn more as you go along. Yes. Yes. Yes. Right. Right. That's very good. And so at RCC, other families have had the same problem, probably. So you can go to that. So that's an idea of Herbert with his math skills. And then maybe the same thing with his weak vocational ideas. Same thing. You're going to go, you're going to brainstorm about it. What can we do to help him develop a better understanding of his vocation? OK. So that was sort of the general. process. You list his strengths and weaknesses. You list his goals. You work them through. You prioritize them. You brainstorm about those areas where you can't come up with an easy answer. And then you remember to review them regularly during your Mount Vernon time and with your wife. Okay, so we've got a review. Number one, the godly use their time and talents wisely. We learned that at the beginning. We're commanded to. Then by choosing goals and executing them, it helps us to use our time wisely. And then Dwight D. Eisenhower, General Eisenhower said a plan is nothing but planning is everything. You want to continue to adjust and develop your plans over time. I need to do it regularly. You need to do that periodically. And then you need to keep the vision for your family strong and fresh. And the one way you should do that is by telling stories from life, because your kids really are interested in those sorts of things, believe it or not. And it really helps them see how it applies to real life. And then you have to persevere. And as the fathers, it's really your responsibility to keep that vision alive. Okay, that's it and I guess we'll close in prayer because it looks like the other sessions are finishing. So let's pray. Lord, thank you for the family and thank you that it's critical. It's the first institution after marriage and it's so critical for your kingdom. We pray that we'd be as diligent On that, as we are in our own vocations and our own personal needs, that we'd help develop plans and goals for our families and help us to be faithful in this and be good stewards to help us and our families use our talents wisely. And we pray this in Christ's name. Amen.