All right, so we're continuing on the peacemaker. This is lesson 10, forgive as God forgave you. The main idea is our forgiveness and how we forgive shows what we think of God's forgiveness. So in other words, we have a hard time forgiving folks or make a bunch of conditions or all these kinds of things. And that means we also have a defective view of God's forgiveness. how God forgives us. So, this is the fourth section in the Peacemaker. I'm going to actually be reading a lot of sections from this today. Just a reminder, since it's been a little while. So, there are four sections here. The first section is glorify God, and that's, we spent that time just thinking about how we need to reframe how we think about conflict, that it's actually an opportunity for us to grow and glorify God and serve one another. Then second is get the log out of your own eye, that before we can confront someone or bring something up, we really need to examine our own hearts and see, you know, how did we add to this conflict? What kind of idols do I have that I'm contributing to this? That was that section. And then the third section was gently restore. He spent a lot of time saying, okay, I want to glorify God. I'm seeking reconciliation. I've really thought about my own contributions to this conflict. Now, how do I go about bringing this up and confronting folks? And how do I speak the truth in love? How do I make sure that I'm a good listener and these sorts of things? So that was part three. So now here we are in part four, which is go and be reconciled. He says, peacemaking involves a commitment to restoring damaged relationships and negotiating just agreement. When we forgive others as Jesus has forgiven us and seek solutions that satisfies others' interests as well as our own, the debris of conflict is cleared away and the door is open for genuine peace. So in other words, You know, we've got together, forgiveness has been granted and is being granted. We'll see that forgiveness is also a lengthy process as well. And then where do we go from here? Like, how do we work out if we need to revisit things or if there needs to be some restoration or new features of the relationship? How do we get to a place where, you know, we can not only restore our relationship to what it was, but perhaps it's even sweeter now as we've experienced God's grace. And so that's really what this section is about. And he starts out with forgiveness, essentially saying something Well, we all know, but it's certainly very profound. And he says, you cannot do it alone. You cannot forgive someone in your own strength. You can't, on your own, just decide to forgive someone. If we could all do that, then forgiveness would be easy and we wouldn't have any conflict. Anyone have a hard time forgiving someone that has really hurt you and sinned against you? Anybody have a hard time with that? Yeah, so we all know this is something that we can't do on our own. And so he starts laying a really good foundation here. And again, I said, I'm gonna read quite a bit this morning, just because this chapter is so good. And rather than paraphrase it, it's better for me to just read it and talk about it a little bit. But if you want to look along, look, read along, I'm on page 205, and he says this. It's impossible to truly forgive others in your own strength, especially when they have hurt you deeply or betrayed your trust. You can try not to think about what they did or stuff your feelings deep inside and put on a false smile when you see them, but unless your heart is cleansed and changed by God, the memories and feelings will still be lurking in the background, poisoning your thoughts and words and preventing you from building a trust and relationship. There is only one way to overcome these barriers, and that is to admit that you cannot forgive in your own strength, and that you desperately need God to come in and change your heart. And then he offers up a sample prayer here. This is what this sounds like. God, I cannot forgive him in my own strength. In fact, I do not want to forgive him, at least not until he has suffered for what he did to me. He does not deserve to get off that easy. Everything in me wants to hold it against him and keep a high wall between us so he can never hurt me again. But your word warns me that unforgiveness will eat away at my soul and will build a wall between you and me. More importantly, you have shown me that you have made the supreme sacrifice, giving up your own son in order to forgive me. Lord, please help me to want to forgive. Please change my heart and soften it so that I no longer want to hold this grudge against him. Change me so that I can forgive and love him the way you have forgiven and loved me. And so it begins with a prayer, Lord, I don't even want to forgive, I can't forgive, I don't see how I'm ever going to forgive, but change my heart and help me to do that. Now, there are certainly times where God just, you know, our heart is one way one day and another way the next day, and just for some reason we can't explain, it's completely changed and has a new orientation in some way, right? That's possible, the Lord can certainly do this. But the Lord, in order to answer this prayer, uses means. He uses the means of the word and the spirit. Because if we're not able to forgive someone, then there's some chink in our theological armor. We're not thinking of God's forgiveness and his forgiveness of us as we ought. Because if we really understood God's forgiveness, you'd be able to forgive. So it's not only a prayer, God, please change my heart, but we also need some more information. We need to think rightly about forgiveness. And so it starts with the prayer, and then kind of as we go through the rest of this chapter, uses that as a tool to fine-tune our heart and to change it. So that's what we're doing here. So the rest of these things is kind of, all right, what is forgiveness? And what does it look like? And what should it sound like? And what kind of thoughts should I be thinking about forgiveness? Where should my heart be? But we start with, you cannot forgive in your own strength. And then on page 206, he describes What forgiveness is, I have a few questions on here. Is forgiveness a feeling? I mean, if I'm waiting until I feel like forgiving someone. You know, that's probably not, that may never happen, right? But is forgiveness a feeling or an act of will? What's the difference between forgiving and forgetting? Because just forgetting about it and burying it, that's not forgiveness. What's the difference between forgiving and excusing, right? And so these are kind of the questions that we want to have in our mind as I read a few of these sayings. He says on page 206, to understand what forgiveness is, we must first see what it is not. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is an act of the will. Forgiveness involves a series of decisions, the first of which is to call on God to change our hearts. And as he gives us grace, we must then decide with our will not to think or talk about what someone has done to hurt us. God calls us to make these decisions regardless of our feelings. So he points out that we must make a decision. It's still gonna be a process, And we can't just automatically decide not to think about it. Toward the end of the chapter, he's gonna address that. What if I can't stop thinking about it, what do I do? He's gonna talk about that. But we need to resolve in our own hearts that we're going to forgive. And on the topic of what's the difference between forgiving and forgetting, he says, second, forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process in which the matter fades away from memory merely with the passing of time. Forgiving is an active process. It involves a conscious choice and a deliberate course of action. To put it another way, when God says that he remembers your sins no more, he's not saying that he cannot remember our sins. Rather, he's promising that he will not remember our sins. When he forgives us, he chooses not to mention or recount or think about our sins ever, Similarly, when we forgive, we must draw on God's grace and consciously decide how to think or talk about what others have done to hurt us. This may require a lot of effort, especially when an offense is still fresh in mind. He goes on, thinking about what's the difference between forgiving and excusing. He says, forgiveness is not excusing. Excusing says, that's okay. and it implies what you did wasn't really wrong or you couldn't help it. Forgiveness is the opposite of excusing. The very fact that forgiveness is needed and granted indicates that what someone did was wrong and inexcusable. Forgiveness says we both know what you did was wrong and without excuse, but since God has forgiven me, I will forgive you. Another way he says it is that forgiveness is a decision to burn the records. He says on page 207, to forgive someone means to release him or her from liability to suffer punishment or penalty. So he's talking that sin creates a debt. So what are you gonna do with this debt? Are you gonna forgive this debt or are you gonna exact your revenge and punishment and try to make them pay for the debt? Now there can still, and he points out as he goes here, there can still be really lasting consequences and a lengthy healing process. That's why we can't just forget. It can't just be, all right, that painful thing, whatever it was, Now it was long enough ago that it just doesn't hurt as bad, so now I can overlook it. You can see how inferior that is to going to someone and talking to them. Here's how you've hurt me. Here's how you've sinned against me. And Lord willing, they see that, and they ask you to forgive them, and you grant it, and you guys go forward saying, you know, how can we heal from this? That is far superior than, oh, I'm just going to forget about this or excuse it. That can really just damage things further along the road, down the road. So what he's trying to do first here, and he's gonna do this for a little bit longer until he gets to the part where, all right, this is really hard. It's a decision, but at the same time, we can't just decide to do it, so how do we do it? He spends a little more time just kind of setting up. What does God's forgiveness look like? Because we want to model our own forgiveness and the way we think about it the same way that the Lord does. So on page 208, Toward the bottom, he has three verses here that he quotes. It's from Jeremiah 31. I will forgive their wickedness and remember their sins no more. Psalm 103, which you could really read like the first half of Psalm 103. As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 130. If you, O Lord, kept the record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? but with you there is forgiveness, therefore you are feared. And then 1 Corinthians 13, 5. Love keeps no records of wrong. That's an important one for us to remember. Love keeps no records of wrong. We're trying to get to a place where we can burn the records, where it's as if the hurt and suffering and whatnot, whatever sin it is it's made against you, that it's healed. restored. So, thinking about these verses, he gives us four promises of forgiveness. This is on page 209. And he goes on to say, look, I'm not saying we can do all these things right away, that it's really easy, you know, there are exceptions to these things, right? But in principle, this is how we should view God's forgiveness. for our sins, and so this is our goal, seeking how we should forgive others. So four promises of forgiveness. I will not dwell on this incident. When someone has really hurt you, sometimes it's really difficult, even if there's been forgiveness granted and whatnot, you keep thinking about it, and over and over and over again. Well, when you truly forgive, you're gonna promise not to dwell on an incident. Well, can you decide just not to dwell on it anymore? You just decide to do that. I mean, that's what post-traumatic stress disorder is, right? People keep thinking about things over and over and over again, and it triggers it, and you replay everything in your mind. Well, forgiveness is, I'm not gonna dwell on the incident. Well, how do I do that when it hurts so bad? He's gonna give us some tools for it, right? Second, I will not bring this incident up or use it against you. Now he's also going to talk about when you might have to bring something up again, but what he's saying is once you've forgiven someone for something, you're not going to use that wrong to continue to punish them or weaponize it. Number three, I will not talk to others about this incident. Meaning, oh man, it was so hard. I mean, we're forgiven and restored now, but let me tell you every detail about how hard this was for me, and this terrible thing that this person did to me, because it was so hard and hurtful, and I just want to relive it and talk about it again. Well, if you've granted someone forgiveness, you're promising not to speak ill of that person to other people. So if that starts to happen, what do you do? He's gonna tell us, okay? Fourth, I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. Now, he says these are promises. I would also say, look, these are also goals, right? Like I'm promising as the Spirit works in me, and I pray about this, and I work at it, I'm promising that this is the desire of my heart, right? I'm not gonna dwell in this, I'm not gonna bring it up against you, not gonna talk to others, and I'm not gonna let it stand in our way. But we should also view them as promises. When I forgive someone, when I say, I forgive you, you are forgiven, what comes with that are these four things, right? So, with this, he's got a nice little thing he said his wife composed a little young peacemaker curriculum. He puts his four promises like this, so she did. Good thoughts hurt you not. Gossip never, friends forever. I thought that was nice. So, that's the promises of forgiveness. Let's see, what did I want to get to next here? All right, so when should you forgive? This is on page, starts on page 210. And essentially he's saying that you're ready to forgive someone when they've repented and asked for forgiveness. So if I, you know, walk up and, you know, berate some pilot for some delay in a flight or something, right? and I'm yelling at him and everything else. He can't just look at me and say, and I'm, you know, and even if I say, you know what? I was a little, and I make some excuse of why I was so angry, and the pilot, he can't just say, I forgive you, right? There needs to be an acknowledgement. Look, I sinned against you. What I did was wrong. Here's how it's wrong. And then it takes some humility and humbling to say, Will you please forgive me? When that's occurred in some way, shape, or form, and that was a long process that we've talked about, then forgiveness can be granted, right? I mean, this is how it works with us. Now, look, I get it theologically that when we're united in Christ, we have all these benefits, and these benefits play out in time. And so we're simultaneously justified and not denied. I get that, right? But in our earthly, creaturely existence, what has to happen before we receive forgiveness from the Lord? If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just, right? So that's the beginning. to do that, then we're forgiven, right? So, he points this out just to show us that if there hasn't been true repentance, it could be that a repentance is inadequate and there needs to be more, right? Or it could be the person just won't admit they did anything wrong. Now, there are healthy ways that if they just won't and we can't let it go forever, and so we have to overlook something that we shouldn't overlook, or you think of it like this. Lord, I would really like to be restored to this person. I would really like to forgive them. But you know what? I trust you and your timing, and you please deal with them so that they might be forgiven. So you're basically pushing it off down the line, trusting the Lord and his timing to bring about forgiveness. But first, there must be repentance before there can be forgiveness. So, any questions about that? Because sometimes that's, people have questions sometimes like, what if they're dead? Can I forgive them? It's like, well, you feel like you forgave them in their heart for whatever awful thing they did to you, but really what you're doing is saying, I'm choosing not to be bitter about this and hold this against them, because I trust the Lord, and I trust the Lord's justice. and I don't know what happened to them, but either Christ paid for that sin, or they're gonna pay for it, and I take comfort in the Lord's holiness and justice. So we say, why forgive them for everything they did wrong? And even though they're wrong, that's not really what we're doing. We're trusting the Lord to take care of it. So it's just important to have these categories. Sometimes people have questions about it, any questions? Yeah, he's asking, you know, Lord forgive them for they know not what they do and stuff. I think what we can dig into that passage tonight. I think what I would say is that's a good question, and we're talking about interpersonal forgiveness at this time. So where that fits into that, we have to figure it out. You're just overlooking that. You're either overlooking it, or you're trusting the Lord to do it. You're not really forgiving them. You're really overlooking it, or trusting the Lord to execute and implement justice in this wave of time. That's really what you're doing. But we use that language, right? So, it's just important. We use that language, but it's important to make distinctions. let's say that, can you ever, is there ever a time that you can mention that sin again? Because part of forgiveness is your nexus, right? These are general guidelines. If someone's continuing to hurt you and sin against you in a sane or related way, and it's an ongoing pattern of behavior, well then they haven't truly repented, have they? You may have told them you granted them forgiveness, But it's more like they're not using it as a weapon, like to weaponize against them, or to keep bitterness in their heart. Not bringing it up again is more like those, I'm going to keep bringing these things up because there's something I want you to do or say, and I'm going to use this to get it. It's not using their old students as a weapon. But if they are saying it in a similar or the same way, you might have to bring that up again. So again, you have to figure out how to apply these things. The next thing that he talks about is what about consequences? Well, if I'm supposed to forget about this and I'm never supposed to remember it again, what are we just supposed to pretend that it never happened and we're just going to be BFFs and besties again and go back to all the way that things were? No, that's not what he's saying here. If someone has done something really awful, especially for a long period of time, there's going to need to be continual healing and restoration. And that's where forgiveness continues to be part of a process where you work towards those things. So even though you're not planning on bringing it up, You're not going to tell other people about it. It doesn't mean that you just go back to the way everything was. Sometimes it needs to be restoration and healing and whatnot. So he's not saying that. So laying those foundations, here's what I think is really helpful, because this is not easy to do in any way, shape, or form. Let's see if I want to get to that. How much time do I have? I've got 15 minutes. So basically what we're getting at here is now what we're talking about is, all right, I think we have a pretty good thought and understanding of what forgiveness looks like, what the promises are, what the goals of forgiveness are, okay? But now how do I do it? Because what if it just hurts too bad? What if I'm just not able to forgive? What if I keep dwelling on this and I just can't do it? I followed the directions, I said all the prayers, I went through the process, I did all the steps and I just can't. So that's the rest of his chapter. When forgiveness is that hard, what do you do? And so I think there's one thing he says you might need to revisit the topic and confirm repentance. Like you may need to go back to them humbly and say, you know, I appreciate you coming to me. I know that I granted forgiveness I really, I did that, it's a decision, and I have forgiven you, but I also want, I want to feel like I've forgiven you in my heart too. Could we revisit this again? And you kind of confirm, you kind of hear again, why, you know, they're like, yeah, this was my fault, this is how I am, you know, and you kind of go through a little bit of that again. That's something that you might do. You also might go back and reexamine yourself, Okay, I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling with forgiving them. Maybe I need to work harder at seeing how I contributed to this conflict. Because once I see how awful I was to them, well then it's probably going to be easier for my heart to move on, right? So sometimes it's not just about revisiting them. Sometimes you need to revisit your own repentance. And I think this is kind of one of the best things about this chapter. It starts on page 219. And he talks about the reconciliation and replacement principle. And this is where he points out some of the things we've been talking about. Page 219. Forgiveness is both an event and a process. And he says, being reconciled doesn't mean the person who offended you must now become your closest friend. What it means is that your relationship will be at least as good as it was before the offense occurred. It says reconciliation requires that you give a repentant person an opportunity to demonstrate repentance and regain your trust. This may be a slow and difficult process, especially when that person has consistently behaved in a hurt and responsible manner. So you may then need them, this is how I talk about it, I'm talking to people that have wronged someone, they've asked for forgiveness, it's been granted. Now what you need to do is stack good days, stack good interactions, show a new pattern of behavior. And eventually, healing and reconciliation will continue to occur. So what do you do though? What do you do if you just can't? It starts on page 220. And he gives us something to do in thought, in word, and in deed. Okay, so in thought. So what if we just can't forgive someone? It just won't go away. He says, even when we say, forgive you, many of us have a difficult time not thinking about what others have done to hurt us. Try as we might, memories of the offense keep popping back into our minds, find ourselves reliving all kinds of painful feelings. And so this is the replacement principle, right? So I'm thinking these things. I'm having these thoughts. It's really, really painful. Skip down to the bottom of the page here. This is what he suggests we do. He says, okay, I pray, but I'll need your help, Lord. I'm sure I don't feel like doing any of this. By God's grace, I began to pray for Jim. It's always Jim. I began to pray for Jim, asking God to be with him and to bless his day. My thoughts then turned to other matters. When I caught myself thinking about the offense an hour later, I prayed for Jim again, this time thanking God for some of Jim's admirable qualities. And then I discovered something amazing. Whenever Jim came into my mind, my thoughts were usually positive and no longer gravitated toward the offense he had committed. This is how I learned the replacement principle. He says, every time, this is 221, first paragraph, right in the middle. Every time you begin to dwell on or brood over Ask for God's help and deliberately pray for that person, or think of something about the offender that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy. At first you may struggle to come up with even one positive thought, but after you find one good thought in memory, others should come more easily. So, replacement principle. Change what you're thinking about now. Break that process. What's that therapy called when They're trying to break the thought process by teaching you to look in one spot of the brain. What's that called? You guys know what I'm talking about? It's like really popular right now. What's that? So what they're trying to do though by cognitive behavioral modification, something like that. So basically what they're trying to do with post-traumatic stress is When you start thinking of some kind of negative thought, they're trying to get your brain to go somewhere else. And you have a process and a thing that you go through. And so every time you think that, you do this other thing. And the idea is that hopefully it retrains your sanity. That's also why people don't do this anymore, why they experience shock and stuff like that. So like as soon as you clap out something that's shocking, you think about the pain instead. I don't think that probably worked very well. But the idea is you think about something else. So when you start thinking about this hurt, you change it. Okay, what is there that's admirable about this person? What's a good memory that we have? Okay? and think about it, and pray for it. What's something positive that they do? Do they care about other people? Maybe I just seem to like to care about me enough, but do they care about other people? Has the Lord worked through them? How has the Lord worked in their life? I mean, if you have to, when it comes down to it, eventually, you can't deceive anything. You're like, you know what? Well, they are another human being that's creating the image of God. someone's created an image of God. Go through those things. If you have to open a cabinet and say, that's true of this person, too. Pray, and they start praying, Lord, they hurt me, but they're made in your image. And this is also true of them. Help me to view them like this. So do that every single time. Retrain your brain to replace those thoughts of the hurt with thoughts of positive things, positive experiences, or things about them. Or I said, if you have to go low enough, go low enough. If you have to go lower than that, lower. You know, you love them too. How can you not love them as you? Right? So the first is in thought. And that takes some discipline. So you find yourself going down that mental road. Okay? Start brainfarting. Start thinking things about that. And if you do that over and over and over again, eventually the Lord will, you know, rewire your brain a little bit, and change your heart a little bit, and you'll make progress. He also says to do it in word, again replacing principle. When talking to others about the person who offended you, make it a point to speak well of the person. Express appreciation for the things he does or eats up. Draw attention to his redeeming qualities. Do the same when talking someone that's done something so badly that you go to jail, it's really hard. But a lot of what we're talking about is between believers or people that we work with. And so if someone comes to file a law, I'm like, how was it? Did you ever get back at so-and-so? Oh, you know what? We reconciled. I actually learned that, you know, so-and-so really has a great heart for the Lord, and they were, they were, you know, really humble in things, and just start saying good things about them. Like, refuse to speak ill about them. Find something good to say about them. And again, if you just can't think of anything, then you get to the base level, especially if this is a believer. Well, I'm in Christ, and they're in Christ for one body. Well, but, you know, there's some good things there. So speak well of them to other people. And then the third replacement principle is indeed. He says, if you really want to be reconciled with someone, apply the replacement principle to your actions as well. C.S. Lewis noted, don't waste time bothering whether you love your neighbor. Act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you love someone, you will presently come to love him. Loving actions can do much more than change your feelings. They can also communicate, in unmistakable terms, the reality of your forgiveness and commitment to reconciliation. So, look, you just can't stop thinking about it. Think about something positive about them and pray. People keep talking about it, they refuse to say anything about it. Again, change what you say. They refuse to speak ill of them, speak good of them. And then the third one, do something loving for them. One thing that I found when it comes to reconciliation and conflict and whatnot, is if you think someone has something against you, And you try to just overlook it, but you don't really want to deal with it. It kind of grows a little bit. And after a few months, if you don't see that person or talk to them, it gets weird. And you feel weird around them. And you feel awkward, right? So, one way we can do this is, you know what, I feel like so-and-so and I, that we've had some intense interactions. And now we haven't talked for two or three months. we should just go to coffee, or I'm going to make an important talk to them and just see how they're doing after church. And what happens is the Lord reminds you, you're a sinner, they're a sinner, we're both seeking Christ together, we love one another, this person's enjoyable, like it changes how you think about them. So, replacement principle, so I guess in summary, we decide, I guess, we want to forgive them, we pray and ask the Lord to do that, because if we can't do that, then our own strength, We meditate on what God's forgiveness looks like when we think of those four promises, and then when that's really hard for us, we might need to revisit, revisit repentance with them, or we might need to think about our own sin again, and then we have the replacement principle. And if these things sound hard, and I'm like, a lot, it's because they're hard, and it's a lot. But it's worth it, because that's how much, like, reconciliation is sweet, So yeah, that summarizes the chapter like that. At the end of each chapter, if you didn't remember, he does kind of put everything in one spot. So you don't have to read the whole chapter if you're short on time. But I would encourage you to read through this. Any thoughts, comments, or questions before we close? Looks like we've got two or three minutes. Glenn? The one thing I always get from reading it is, like, every time you pray the Lord's Prayer, it's great. Because you'll start trespassing. I imagine it always hits me. Every time I pray that, I'm asking God, why do you forgive me in the same way that I forgive others? And sometimes that's when I'm pretty like, ooh. Yeah, uh-oh. Ooh. Yeah, no, and that's amazing. That's something you pray all the time. These peacemaker material, peacemaker stuff is built into, you know, the prayer of orthodoxy. Yeah. Right. And it makes you start thinking like, I'm going to be a lot more gracious than I forgive myself. Yeah. That's good. Barry? I remember working with someone that came to work at NC for six months. I was a conductor on the job, railroad.