So let me just start with why this topic. This is a topic I actually didn't know anything about a couple of years ago. And Jansen, one of our seminary students, emailed me and said, hey, have you thought about this at all? And I was like, I don't even know what that is. But since that time, I've actually come across it quite a bit and noticed that it's kind of like in our culture more and more, and it's seeping into our churches. And probably the way that a lot of people come upon this idea of gentle parenting is through just blogs and podcasts. And what I've found is that well-meaning Christian people will hear a podcast that is from a Christian and pass it on to someone else. So this happens among mothers. It can happen in your churches and stuff. And they'll take this as truth without really thinking about it in a discerning way. So I want to be able to help us understand first what gentle parenting is and then think about how to evaluate it. Gentle parenting is defined by Sarah Ockwell Smith as an evidence-based approach to raising happy, confident children. She describes it as positive parenting. The goal is to raise happy, confident children. And it pushes back against the antiquated, in their view, model of parenting that the boomers used, which was very authoritarian in nature. It refuses to use any negative language with a child for his or her behavior. So no spankings, no timeouts, no saying no, in fact. Instead, it seeks to respect the child as a person and to value their feelings. And it's based on four. They have four pillars of thought. So empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. And this is the book. So I don't think that she created this idea. It's a gentle parenting book by Sarah Ockwell Smith, a lady from England. I don't think she created this idea. I think she probably saw some of this happening in our culture. Our culture, as you know, has turned soft. And when I say our culture, I'm saying America, England, a lot of these different cultures have turned soft. And as a result, we've pulled away from kind of the authoritarian kinds of models. And in some cases, rightfully so, because they've gone too far. But in so doing, they've swung the pendulum to the other side and moved towards more of a gentle approach. Now, gentle seems right. I mean, it is a fruit of the spirit, after all. And so that's why I think Christians are so quick to adopt it without thinking about it. Because, of course, if it's gentle parenting, yes, we should be gentle with our kids. And so why wouldn't we do that? And this method, so this is an unbeliever, as far as I can tell, who's written this book and has promoted it. But this model of parenting has been adopted by Christian psychologists and has been promoted on blogs and podcasts, as I've mentioned. The Christian form of it argues that spanking is not endorsed in the Bible. In her blog, Mindy Jones refers to gentle parenting as grace, grace-based parenting and appeals to Ephesians 6.4. So I mean, how are we supposed to argue against grace-based parenting that's gentle in nature, right? Well, I'm going to seek to do that today. So let's just keep working through this and try to understand a little bit more about some principles. And then I'll illustrate what this looks like in day-to-day life as these mothers are raising their children in this way. And then we'll evaluate it at the end, all right? So some principles of gentle parenting. First, they argue that they seek to respect the child. So the author, Ackwell Smith, argues she seems a bit jaded from being spanked and for being forced to say sir or ma'am growing up. She would suggest that parents earn respect not by spanking, but by giving respect to the child. And so if the child wants a red cup, then we respect them and give it to them. If the child doesn't want a red cup, then we don't give it to them. We allow them to choose what they want. Second, it validates feelings. So one example she uses is that Jill threw dirt at me. And so your response as a parent is, wow, you sound angry. So this is very much a part of our psychologized culture. We're constantly trying to look internally and try to understand the internal person and evaluate personal emotions. And now what we're doing here with this model is we're teaching our children how to do that. We're trying to get them to understand their inner self, which I'm going to argue that is not necessary or something that God would expect us to do. She says instead of reacting, you should respond to their feelings. This way you help tackle their feelings. Third, use positive words. So instead of no, don't touch that, you say something like. Please take your hand out of the dog bowl and find something else to play with. So there's no negative talk there. It's giving another option of something good to do. She says negative language can discourage kids. So you don't use phrases like right now or because I said so. And I'm just imagining what my dad would think about this approach to parenting. And if I had handed him this book, like, Dad, maybe you need to rethink the way He would have loved this. She says positive words empower children. And so again, you can hear the psychology seeping through this idea of values. It values strong, trusting relationship with the child. So she argues for connection before correction. And you can hear how this is actually a good response to the overly authoritarian model that maybe some of you experienced growing up, which was it was all about just getting the task done and there was no connection with your father. It was all like they just discipline you and they don't even talk to you at all. And so I like that idea. However, her idea of correction is very different from what the scriptures offer. She also bases this on this principle of allowing natural consequences, so in order for the child to learn the right thing to do. So if he's hitting his brother with a toy, you actually don't take it away from him, you let him experience the consequences of what will happen if he continues to hit with the toy. If she will keep unbuckling herself on the way to a place that you're going, then instead of giving consequences to her, you just pull the car over and allow her to experience the natural consequences, which are, she's a little bit later, the daughter. Think about this. I mean, a three-year-old, who cares if they're, she has no concept of time, but the mom's thinking. you know this is going to be some kind of natural consequence for her or if if she leaves her stuffed animal outside you just let it get wet and and then you talk in a very loving gentle way that this is some of what happens when you don't you know you don't bring your toy back inside It equips the child with appropriate skills, she argues. She tries to set firm boundaries, so remove breakable things from a curious toddler. One example she uses is, since a toddler doesn't like a shirt being pulled over his head, we should teach them to dress and undress themselves. Or for picking up toys, you can teach them by saying, I'll pick up five toys, and then you'll pick up five. And just practically, I'm thinking, what if he doesn't? Then what? Or what if you have more than one child? Because this kind of parenting approach expects a lot of time, slows you down in a lot of ways. And I come from a family of eight kids, so I'm just trying to picture. The first seven of us are nine years apart with no twins in there. So I'm just trying to picture how this would have worked in our house with mom and dad trying to slow down and say, all right, I'm going to pick up five toys while the rest of the house is a complete chaos. She says no rewards or stickers for doing their work. You want them to be satisfied in their work itself. So actually, it pushes against any kind of reward or punishment for, I mean, the punishment, sorry, we understand why she's doing that, but even a reward. She doesn't want to have any positive thing connected to what you're doing. Wants to just be satisfied in the work itself. So they would say that that doesn't mean that they're pushovers or passive in their parenting. But instead, they would say, she would say, and those who follow her would say that they're simply giving their child a voice, and we as parents are seeking to listen to them. So instead of just forcing them to do or controlling their world, we're actually giving them safe choices, is what they would argue. So another example, instead of no running in the house, we say we use walking feet in the house unless we go outside. So give that a try today with your little one, see how that works. I'll just give you some more examples here as we think through this, just to get a better feel for where she's coming from. Imagine you're trying to leave for church and your child throws a temper tantrum. Reward and punishment parenting says, this is ridiculous. Stop acting like a child and get your shoes on. You're going to make us late for church. But gentle parenting, again, it tends to be caricatures that are being put up for the one side. Gentle parenting does one of these. We're going to church, we're going to the nursery, I'm gonna pick you up when it's finished, we need to leave on time, I expect you to have your shoes on and be ready to leave, and if you don't, we will be late and I will be sad. So notice what she's doing is she's trying to get the child to get in touch with his or her feelings and for the child to understand mom and dad's feelings. That's a big part of what they're doing. Seeking to validate the child's feelings and help motivate them by the parent's feelings. Or another option would be, when you don't get ready on time, it hurts my feelings and it makes me anxious. And then maybe follow up with a question, why are you having a hard time? And so just to show one more example, I think I have this in your handout. They call it something different in England. They call it talk back or something like that. But talking back isn't all bad, she says. Most parents would like their children to grow to be free thinkers, challenging the status quo, especially if it's unjust. After all, assertiveness, persistence, and ambition are all positive traits in adults. So why would we view them as negative in children? If your teenager was questioning her teacher over something she believed to be incorrect, or your son was questioning his boss about what he perceived to be unfair, you would probably be proud. Similarly, if your teen was standing up to a bully or refusing to bow to peer pressure, you'd be delighted. Yet, when our children question our motives and directions as parents, we consider it rude, disrespectful, and inappropriate." And she says, we can't have it both ways. This is not something that was just an idea that she came up with just out of thin air. I would argue that this is actually rooted in some evolutionary thinking and some psychologized thinking. And we'll look at that here in just a second. And at the end, if you have questions, I'll try to do my best to answer whatever I can. The way that we're going to evaluate this is based on David Powelson's approach to evaluating counseling systems. So if you were here a year or so ago, Ernie Baker was here for a summer teaching series over at the seminary. And he used this to evaluate a model of abuse, I think it was. So Ernie Baker's done some work in this as well, but I'm going to use what Powelson describes these six key things that every counseling system has, and I would say this parenting approach has as well. Now, when we think about this approach, I think we should affirm the things that are good about it. We should affirm the kind of disdain that there should be for aggressive and sinful parenting that brings untold trouble on our children. We don't want to reject a movement away from that and say, let's move back towards that sinful kind of approach to parenting. But to say that any kind of authority or any kind of discipline would be sinful is where the disconnect happens. And so we don't have to go all the way to the other side and have no discipline at all. And that's the kind of approach that I think she's taking. We also can affirm their desire to understand the child. I don't think it's helpful to just walk through life kind of blindly just hoping that your children are following behind and just forcing them into behaviorism or some kind of conformity externally. I think it's good to understand your child at the level that they're at, but still put expectations on them as well. I also think there's some helpful emphasis on formative discipline. I would describe her approach as more the formative discipline side. She's not opposed to discipline. It's the corrective discipline that she's opposed to. And so the formative side should be a big part of our parenting. I mean, if we had to weigh out between corrective and formative parenting. So the formative's more like, I like to think about it like your soccer coach. making you run laps just to prepare for the endurance when you get to the game, right? That's just all, there's nothing, you're not getting punished for anything. That's just like you're getting ready for the game. And then you miss an assignment in the game and he's like, all right guys, you're running laps for that. You're staying after practice late to do this. That's corrective discipline. That's saying, we wouldn't otherwise have had to do this, but we are doing this because of the poor choices that you made on the field. And if our parenting approach is too lopsided on the corrective side, I think it can give a wrong message to our children. So I think there's wisdom in having the large measure of our parenting being the formative side. And I would get that from the book of Proverbs, which tends to set out a trajectory of what we should be, and teaching wisdom, and leading kids to understand the fear of the Lord. Yes, there is the corrective side. And even like walking by the field with a slugger, that's formative discipline, right? There is a corrective side, that if we spare the rod, we spoil the child. I think some of the other problems is that our culture has shifted and has, you know, when I was growing up, it was not unusual to see spanking happening in the Kmart parking lot or in the aisle of Kmart. And a lot of times it was my brothers. But now, if you saw that, you'd probably feel compelled to call the police. And if you didn't, someone else would. That's going to be caught on camera somewhere, and someone's going to be having CPS come to their house. So that's the other thing is our culture is kind of pushed away from the corrective discipline side model. And so we're, you know, in churches even, we're a little bit sensitive. We're like, oh, I don't know if I should do this, and maybe there is another way. So now what we do is we take a cultural perspective, and now we try to find something in the scripture that will affirm what would be fitting for our culture. That's backwards. We need to go, what do the scriptures say about my expectations with regard to parenting and discipline? And who cares what the culture says? I mean, we're going to have to deal with that. We'll have to figure out how to do that discreetly. All right, so the first is source of authority. So when we're evaluating a parenting system, we want to see what's their source of authority. And I think the foundation of this authority is the psychologies. This is epistemology. How do we know what is true? What is the basis of our authority? And it seems that gentle parenting finds its source in the psychologies. Source of authority seems to be the third wave of Skinner's behaviorism. So Ernie Baker talks about this in one of the talks that he gives. But B.F. Skinner taught that behavior is changed through reward and punishment. The third wave of behaviorism is mindfulness. That is that we become fully aware of where we are, what we're doing, and learning to react properly in the moment. It's a kind of an Eastern mysticism. That's being promoted now. In fact, you can get apps called Mindfulness that will help you think in these terms. Also, I think Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Ockwell Smith seems to be influenced by Maslow, and probably to some degree we all are, if any of you have taken psychology. I think that's very much a part of our culture, the idea of we have to have our basic needs met before we can reach a point of self-actualization. So if we're going to help our children reach the pinnacle of who they can be, the best version of you, then we have to start with meeting their basic needs. And in her case, it would be emotional needs. We've got to make sure we meet their emotional needs before we can expect them to be the best version of themselves. So he would call that self-actualization. And then John Bowlby came up with this idea called detachment theory and then attachment theory. And attachment theory is the idea that a person struggles to engage in a relationship and to bond with others in meaningful ways. So this is like maybe a small child who's been neglected for months at end, just left in a crib or something, and then struggles to relate with people. And so they're basically, the DSM has a disorder called the reactive detachment disorder. And so, you know, mothers here, including Aqual Smith, seem to be taking on this kind of approach to parenting in fear that their kids might develop a disorder. reactive detachment disorder that would basically prevent their kids from fully being functional within society, within social settings. So second, SIN. When we're evaluating a system, in this case a parenting system, what do they view as the problem? So obviously we would describe it as sin. But what do they view as the problem? Based on your source of authority, what do you think is wrong? And for gentle parenting, they believe that children are simply untrained or unexperienced. They assume, this is a huge problem with their view, is they assume that the child is, at best, morally neutral, or at worst, morally neutral. At best, they're good by nature. They start out as morally good. And so, of course, we're going to set out choices for them, because they can just make these choices on their own. And you can see where this shows up in other parts of society as well. You have parents who say, well, I don't really want to force my kid to come to church because I want them to be able to decide. Well, guess what? That starts well back here when you're doing this kind of approach to parenting and not allowing your kid to have a specific direction. I'm a parent. One of my responsibilities is to be discerning for my child when my child is not able to be discerning. And what this does is puts a lot of pressure on the child to be able to say, I guess I'm going to have to make the choices. And I mean, sadly, the child ends up leading the situation, which is and the parents follow. And it's it's it becomes a chaotic mess. Proverbs 22 15 says foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child. So we need to be Convinced of the truth of the scripture here that children are not good by nature. No, no one taught No one taught them to be evil. They they just started expressing it as soon as they had opportunity and By nature, we are objects of God's wrath and on a path towards destruction we are enemies of God and We do believe children need training. We do need, we do recognize that we need to give them choices at some point, but this is like an extreme, I would say an extreme view of allowing kids to make all the choices. Third, when evaluating a system, we need to look at their solution. So based on their source of authority, what is the solution to this problem that they see? So the problem is that the child is untrained and unexperienced. Well, if the end goal for gentle parenting is to raise happy and confident children. So, the way that they do that is by giving appropriate space to the child. But for Christians, we are seeking to help them to fear the Lord. And if the child is saved, we're actually seeking to help them to be conformed to the image of Christ. That's our job. And whether they have a choice in the matter or not is not the main issue. Fourth, when evaluating a parenting style, we should think about how change happens, the methodology of it. How do people change? How does a child change? How does a therapist help them change? And of course, you have models of behaviorism or a medical model that prescribes medication. Ackwell-Smith argues for positive encouragement and reasoning with the child. So again, I don't think she denies discipline at all. She calls it collaborative discipline. So you're basically saying to the child, this is the thing that happened. What do you think needs to happen in order for this not to happen again? And man, who wouldn't have loved that as a child? To be able to say that to your parents. I think I'll help you make the... I think that would be the last thing I ever said in my life. Yeah, I think I talked about the seven principles. Let's see. Yeah, seven principles. I didn't talk about those. So I said the four main pillars were empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. Seven main principles are, I think I listed those for you in your handout, but connection, communication, control, containment, champion, confidence, and consistency. And for sake of time, I'm going to Skip through all those, but I'd be happy to share those with you if you'd like more detail on them. Number six, number five, a support system. So if we're going to evaluate a system of parenting, a philosophical model for how to handle children, then we need to see what kind of support system they have. So what schools teach these theories And this is actually taught at many university psychology departments as a form of parenting, a legitimate form of parenting. Maybe not the sole form that they would recommend, but is a form. And as I've said before, both secularists and religious people find value in this system of teaching. And then finally, the servants of the system. What's the view of the role of the parent in this case? So what's the job of the parent? And she would see herself, Ackwell-Smith would see herself as a nurturer, a guide, someone who listens well, a model, an encourager, a helper with problem solving, someone who helps to reflect positive emotions. all for the purpose of promoting emotional and social development. Some of those things, of course, we would agree with. I mean, we want to shepherd our children while we want to be encouragers to them. Maybe a broad caricature of their position would be more of a friend, how you would guide a friend rather than an authority. And I don't know if they would agree with that sort of expression about their position, but that's kind of my take as I've read through this. So that gives you an idea of where they're coming from. And now I want to kind of evaluate it. I've made some comments about it along the way, but I want to just try to respond to it from a logical perspective and a theological perspective. So a really helpful book that I would recommend. This is not a believer as far as I know, but Bad Therapy by Abigail Schreier. She's also written Irreversible Damage. You know, if you've seen the book with the hole in the middle of the person, I think it's about transgenderism. But this lady has a pulse on our culture, and she has a really good way of, I'll show you some of the quotations from here, of describing some of the problem, what I call kind of an epidemic of therapeutic parenting that's gone on in our culture. So she's got several ways to think about culture in general, and then she has a specific chapter on gentle parenting that's really helpful and that's against gentle parenting that's really helpful. And so I'll point some of those out here. So early in the book, she says, the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2022 reversed perhaps a century of standard protocol and declared that kids with active head lice should no longer be sent home from school. And here's her sarcasm coming through here. Better to scatter bloodthirsty vermin across the entire student body than anyone bear the emotional stigma of having been sent home. That's where we are in our culture. We're so afraid of wounding anybody's emotions that we don't even stand on principle anymore. That has won the kowtowing to the emotional and the inner self. has just taken over. She goes on to say, the Washington Post's mental health professional informed readers that having your name mispronounced is damaging to the psyche. God forbid. Who's got a name that often gets mispronounced? All right, what's your name? Nemo. All right. Finding Nemo. All right. Never heard that one before. Good. Yeah, my grandfather's name was Kashmirza Elwertowski. And he was a chiropractor. And so he actually went by Ray. And so when my dad was five years old, he changed his name to Ray Elwert. And so that way, no one would ever confuse it anymore. Because he was in the military, and when they came to his name, they just stopped. They didn't even try pronouncing it. And he's like, here. But God forbid anybody mispronounce your name, it would be damaging to your psyche. And New York University fired a storied organic chemistry professor, author of the field's premier textbook because holding pre-med students to the same standards and grading scale he'd employed for decades suddenly failed to make student well-being a priority. So now we're basically taking a grading scale and reducing it in order to help somebody's self-esteem. is the idea, right? So this is not new to parenting. This is part of our culture, and it's something that's been going on for decades. In another quotation from Schreyer, she says, accommodation deprives children of the opportunity to vault a challenge and renders them actually less capable. So she's basically saying, when we're always seeking to accommodate our children, you know, oh, you don't like the red cup? Well, how about the blue cup? Well, no, I don't want the blue cup either. When we're always accommodating, it actually makes them less capable to handle challenges ahead. Force a kid to sleep in a house beset by the normal sounds of snoring siblings, whistling of winds, or creaking of joists, and eventually, surprise, she's going to sleep. She'll realize, more importantly, that she can, and yet so many adults are intent on deleting all irritation and inconvenience from children's lives as if they are toxins. So listen to that idea. We're trying to delete irritations from our children. That sounds like grace. Isn't that a loving thing for me to do, to remove irritations from you? But this is on steroids, and it's not grace. And I'm gonna argue that it's actually cruelty. And yet, she says, so many adults are intent on deleting all irritation and inconvenience from children's lives as if they're toxins. And yet, consider how we proceed. We beg doctors to give our kids anti-anxiety medications. We beg teachers to give them untimed tests. We purchased plastic visors so bathwater never runs over the toddler's eyes and carefully remove sesame seeds from their hamburger buns. We aren't just driving ourselves insane. We're making our kids more fearful and less tolerant of the world. Again, imagine the amount of time that this takes to do all these things. And so, just as an aside, schools are recognizing this. Those of you who are teachers in here, you recognize that there has been a shift over the last generation of parents being on your side and disciplining your child to being opposed to you, right? That the child is always right. That's part of the... the pandemic that's going on. In her chapter on gentle parenting, Schreier says, many adhere to gentle parenting, a therapy-infused model that requires parenting to give choices instead of orders. Parents get plenty of orders, but children don't. These parents are intentional about everything. Even before they had kids, they had adopted a parenting philosophy. So the question is, does it work? And the short answer is no. And the long answer is no. That's from her book, she's like, if we buy into this form of parenting, we excuse a child's clear sin because he's overstimulated. That's a hot button word that parents are using now. But being overstimulated, overtired, overhungry, their environment's difficult, or they've had a loss in their family or something, those are never excuses for sin. And for us to accommodate them into like, oh, you're completely fine in your outburst of anger or in your terrible response of disobedience to your parents, that's completely fine because you're overstimulated. That's just not an excuse. For the sake of a good relationship with our kids, we are failing them miserably. We're raising far more self-involved, undisciplined, and unlikable children. Perhaps unhappiest of all, all of our sucking up to them doesn't even guarantee the relationship. They're willing to tolerate it as long as we pay the bills. And after that, they're often just not that into us. So again, this book was written, let me see, not too long ago. This is in 2016. But this kind of parenting model was already being used before this book was written. That's my point. I think she just had her pulse, Ackwell-Smith had her pulse on the culture of how people started to change their parenting style. I feel like we're at the spot where we're kind of starting to see what this generation of children are like after having experienced this kind of parenting approach. And it's not pleasant, OK? I sound like an old man there, just like this new generation, get off my lawn. And yeah, my brother often says, you know what that person needs? They need some problems is what they need. So I'm there. Yeah, you're up in poverty and difficult upbringing. You kind of recognize the blessings of life and figure out how to get beyond them rather than just being given a cafeteria of choices and then being overwhelmed. And this comes up in this next quotation, which is really sad to see that these kids don't want to be parents themselves. Want to know why the rising generation of kids doesn't want to have children of their own? It's because we made parenting look so darn miserable. I cleaned that up for you a little bit. It's because we listened to all the experts and convinced ourselves we couldn't possibly appeal to life experience, judgment, knowledge, gleaned over decades, tens of thousands of hours with our kids, and what our parents had done, and figured this thing out for ourselves. It's because 40-year-old parents, accomplished, brilliant, and blessed with a spouse, treat the raising of kids like a calculus problem that was put to them in the dead of the night with gun to head. Get it right or I'll pull this trigger. We've played the part with our kids, the therapeutic parent. We let them throw food on the floor, kick us, hit us, and each time extended them more understanding, and we offered them an endless array of choices, and we absolutely renounced our own authority, and it scared them. It scared these kids so badly, look at them. They know there's no one running this place. They know they're far too young to be exercising the amount of power that we've handed them. And they know that if they brought their towering father, an accomplished man in his 40s, to his knees, clueless and despairing, something has gone desperately wrong. Why would I ever want to have kids? And you think this is just part of our culture. We had a young couple that came to counseling. I had a young couple come to counseling from a godly Christian church. They had been saved in their, I think, late teens or early 20s. They didn't have the kind of upbringing that I have. My parents got saved when I was three. I never remember a time not being in church, so I'm thankful for that and a godly example of them. But they learned a lot on the go. And this young couple gets married, and they have kids, and the mother says, I can't make it through a day. My kid is just hitting me. He opens the door, runs outside whenever he wants. We can't stop, we've tried everything. We don't know what to do. I mean, we feel like as he gets older and older, he's gonna take more control over me. And he's gonna do more damage to me and to his younger sibling. And I asked what kind of approach that they used for parenting. And it was, I mean, they didn't describe, they didn't say gentle parenting, but essentially it was a gentle parenting kind of approach. They didn't do any corrective discipline at all. It was all reasoning with the child and it was you know, both of them came from I think broken homes So they didn't have a good model for themselves praise God if you've you've come up in a good Christian home that that knew how to lead you well and to point you to the scriptures and recognize that your sin is not primarily against your brother and are not only against your brother or only against mom and dad, but it's ultimately against God and, and teaching you the fear of the Lord along the way. If you've had that, you should be thankful because that is not common. That's not like, you know, over 50% of our culture has had that. No, they haven't. It's a very small percentage and you're in it if you've had that. Um, And so anyway, this couple, I talked to them about some principles. I had done a parenting seminar at our church before, and so I just shared with them the notes and the audio from that, and asked them to read through that, talked about some basics of what they could do. Just start, listen, you need to have a conversation with your older son, who at that point was only three or four years old. But some points, parents have to make an apology to their kids. They haven't parented the right way. I did the best that I could with what I knew, but that was not wise of me to let that go. So here's what's going to happen moving forward. Give clear instructions about what that's going to look like, and then consistency. That's the biggest part. One of the biggest parts about parenting is just being consistent because When we get home from work, we're tired. We don't want to deal with problems. Mom definitely doesn't. She's been dealing with them all day. And she's expecting you to. And we just want to put our feet up and relax and watch the game. And this is a great time for us as dads to come. And I still do this to my adult kids. Spank them. No, just kidding. My kids are all grown up, so I literally do put my feet up when I get home. It's wonderful. And that day is coming for you, but it's not today if you have kids in your house. It is surprising how quickly it comes. But the parents came back to me about a month or so later and said, you're not going to believe what happened. He's never responded so well to our instruction as he has now. And I'm like, huh. I wonder why. You know, from my perspective, it wasn't about like, hey, I've seen a parenting style and I've used a parenting style, use my parenting style. It was the scriptures, we have to start there. So are you convinced that this is what God is calling you to do? So we haven't gotten there and I'm racing to get there. So we'll get there here in just a second. There's not a whole lot of helpful resources on responding to this issue of gentle parenting. But here's one that just came out recently. ACBC produced this. It's called Gentle Parenting by Kelly Dionne. Her husband's a doctor, a medical doctor. They live out in Washington state. And they're both certified members with ACBC. If you don't mind some clerical errors in there, some, what do you call them, just, you know, syntax and grammar or whatever, just spelling, that kind of stuff, then it'll be helpful, but it's not the best published thing. But anyway, she says in there, children need to be trained to listen. to listen to and learn from Christ who will love them best. It's tragic that they might see him as harsh because no one cared about how they felt. It'd be equally tragic, however, for them to see him as chaotic because their feelings controlled their lives. What we've done is we've actually created little children who grow up to adults to focus primarily on their feelings and allow their feelings to drive who they are. When the scriptures say, the person who follows their heart, this is Proverbs, is a fool. That's opposite our culture. Learn to follow your feelings. God judged Israel for this very thing. Part of the problem in the wilderness is you're following your heart and you shouldn't have. And so we're actually trying to get them to avoid that kind of thing and actually be led by principle. What does the scripture say? Even when my feelings don't feel like it, I'm gonna follow the scripture. JC Ryle, in his little book, The Duties of Parents in Modern English, if you want to make wise decisions for your child, you can't just let them follow their own desires. You need to think, judge, and act for them, just as you would for someone who is weak and blind. But because But please don't let them be controlled by their own unpredictable preferences and inclinations their likes and wishes shouldn't be the main focus They don't yet know what's best for their mind and soul just as they don't know what's best for their body You don't let them choose what to eat drink or wear so be consistent and treat their minds in the same way So he's actually making a different point. He's saying like of course this we wouldn't just let them make choices and Of course, that doesn't work in our day today, but he's saying if you're gonna direct their minds, you need to be, that goes against the idea that I was talking about before. Just choose whichever religion that you feel comfortable with, which fits in the whole gender and sexuality thing going on today. Just choose how you feel and who you are and all that kind of thing. Guide them on the path that aligns with scripture and what's right not just what they think they want Self-will is one of the first things that shows up in a child's mind and your first task is to resist it And so I say to parents, you know If you're not going to war with your children, okay, so please hear this in context every day Then you're probably not parenting. Well Okay, they are a fool and their sins would love to take reign in your household. And if you're not taking a stand for what is true and what is right, and you're not engaging in that battle, then you probably are losing that battle. And so, obviously in the most biblical sense of the term, go to battle with them. Don't feel like, oh man, I feel like I should be friends with my children at some point. You will be. They'll come. You just let them survive, help them to survive, and lead them towards the fear of the Lord, and at some point, you're going to be great friends with them, but don't try to be their friends when they're young. Again, it doesn't mean don't take them and do fun stuff with them. It doesn't mean, you know, always be on the corrective side, but recognize that you're entering into spiritual warfare here. All right, so let me give you a biblical response here. I would say first, understand the nature of our culture and resist its pressures on us. And the way that you're gonna do this is, you need to understand what the scriptures say for certain, but there is a sense of understanding the times. What kind of era are we in? And if you're in a position of leadership in your church, recognize that there are probably people in your church who are being influenced by this idea. And just thinking this is gold. This is this is what we've missed like we're pushing a bet against all the abuses that have happened in parenting in the past and Yes, this makes so much sense because gentle I mean it's in the Bible So yes, let's let's be gentle with our kids and and what they've done is they've in some ways maybe this is a little bit too strong, but they've sold the farm and in order to adopt this kind of mindset. And they've abandoned some clear things that are actually guardrails and protections from things that will destroy our kids. Spiritually, that is. Second, identify clear expectations from God and submit to Him. So when I'm working with parents, one of the things that I, and this is something I've done for myself as well, is just try to identify what my main roles are and what key responsibilities I have under each role. So one of the first things I do in counseling parents or couples when they're dealing with conflict is I ask, what's your role? What is, and the way I say it is stay in your lane. So you have responsibility, stay in your lane, let God be God, let your husband be your husband or your wife be your wife, let your child be your child. They have individual responsibility before God, but what is your role? What is God calling you to do? Because a lot of times what we like to do is we like to play God in our lives and control everybody else and make sure that they're doing what they're supposed to do instead of going, What is the clear thing that God told me to do? So turn to Ephesians 6, 4. This is surprisingly the only command for parents, and it's directed at fathers, in the New Testament. So there are commands in the Old Testament, particularly Deuteronomy chapter 6. Now, there are necessary implications that we need to consider with regard to providing for our kids and showing compassion to them, but if God wanted to leave us with one command, He did. It's right here in Ephesians 6. And so for parents, this ought to be on your mind as you're thinking about, how am I going to raise my children? And one of the things that we miss is this first part. So we'll talk about the second part, which is discipline and instruction. That's kind of the structure of what it's gonna look like to raise our children well. But notice the first part. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. By nature of your position, your office as parent, you have the ability to provoke your child to anger, to cause them to stumble. uh... just by virtue of your position why is that Well, we can easily bark out orders without thinking about them. We can think about teenagers. We can do unreasoning things without appealing to their reason at all. We can be arbitrary. And as a result, we can lead our children to anger. So we should be thinking about that. Again, the opposite of that is not we need to always be their friend and we can't do anything that would make them angry. Don't provoke them to unnecessary anger, I think is the point. because your discipline is going to anger them at times. But, notice the second part, bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. This is that two part the two parts of parenting, I think, which is the corrective discipline and then the instruction, the formative discipline that the scriptures. And God is formative with us. He gives us lots of instruction, protects us or prepares us for future challenges, but he also corrects us. In fact, turn over to Hebrews 12 and I think the gentle parenting advocates would argue that Hebrews 12, I don't know what they would say about Hebrews 12, but I think they would say that corrective discipline is hatred towards your children, which is actually the opposite of what God says about it. This is Hebrews 12, and notice verse, we could read this whole passage, but I'm just going to focus on verse 6. For those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines. So often, when we think about discipline, we're like, okay, I love my children, now I have to discipline them, and now I'm gonna love them again. No. I love my children, and because I love my children, I'm gonna discipline them, and I'm gonna continue to love them. Discipline and love are not mutually exclusive. discipline is a subset of our love for our children The opposite is said in Proverbs, I'm gonna just read some texts, I don't know if I have these. Yeah, I don't have them up here for you. Do I have those in your handout, the Proverbs texts? Okay, so I'll just give these to you and I'll read them. Proverbs 22 five, foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him. So if corrective discipline is acceptable, and I would say necessary, like it is with God's relationship with us, Then, what does corrective discipline look like? Well, here it says a rod of correction. It's using a rod on our child's backside in the most padded place that they have on their backside. Proverbs 23, 13, and 14. Do not hold back discipline from the child. Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save him from death. So, if you're not convinced that that is true, that Proverbs 23, 13, and 14 are true, then you're going to be a little bit hesitant. Well, the culture says that's abuse, and CPS, and all these other things. He's not going to die. You have a responsibility to use a rod of correction on him. Proverbs 29, 15. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. That's this. That's what we're starting to experience in our culture right now. A child who's bringing shame to his mother because he's grown up from the time that he's young, undisciplined, unable to experience a no from his boss or any authority over him because he's never experienced a no in his life. And now he's ill-equipped for handling a world that is vicious. And of course he's going to bring shame to his mother because he's so used to getting his way that he's figured out ways to manipulate his world in order to do it. So that's where the Karens of the world, forgive me if your wife's the same as Karen, but the Karens of the world come from. Proverbs 29, 15. Sorry, he gave you that one. Proverbs 13, 24. He who withholds the rod hates his son. Now that's strong language to give to a young parent who's working through this in their mind. But that's not you speaking. That's God speaking. That's not you going, hey, from experience I've seen that I hate my son when I don't. No, that's God, that's thus says the Lord type stuff that we want them to see. For you to withhold the rod from your child is actually hatred for them. Now that doesn't mean you're giving provisional spankings like Dr. McCabe used to do to Josh. But I know you're going to do something today, so I'm going to give you a spanking to start the day, and don't do that. Dr. McCabe was a special person, so he could do that. Proverbs 19, 18. Discipline your child while there is hope, and do not desire his death. The implication is death and destruction for an undisciplined child. The one who you choose not to correct. You hate that person and you're allowing them to go on into something that is going to destroy them. And so we have to be confident ourselves in order for us to be able to teach this to other people, but the most loving thing that we can do is to correct and confront sin sometimes. Obviously, the Bible talks a lot about overlooking sin, so there are some things we need to show grace for, and we don't need to be like a military officer where we nitpick every little thing. We need to recognize that there are opportunities for grace. Think of Jesus and how He dealt with the disciples. He's very patient with them. But there are some things that are just so clear and have perhaps become a pattern that we just need to address, we need to confront, we need to correct. And then thirdly, teach and encourage young parents in your church to lead well and with confidence in God's word. In other words, the word has to be the driver. Not their feelings. Not the pressures that they're getting from their parents or their in-laws to go, should you be doing that? We had a couple in our church when I was up in Royal Oak who went on vacation with a sibling and his wife. And the sibling was, I don't know if a quasi-believer would be the word for it, but had some connection with spiritual things and noticed the way that the couple from our church were disciplining their children on vacation and had some concerns. He's ready to call the cops on them. And instead, he went to our church website. And I just happened to preach on corporal punishment I'll not preach, but teach on corporal punishment in our Sunday school. And we posted it online. I'm not sure why I did that. But he listened to it. And he's like, you know, I was ready to turn them in, but I see your church's approach seems like maybe that's where my brother-in-law was coming from. And I do still have some concerns. He shared with me what the concerns were. I didn't see anything that was abusive in nature. And so, anyway, he didn't end up turning in a person. But I think, you know, we can get pressure from in-laws, you know, siblings. Like, how could you possibly do this? I live in a kind of an unusual world because I just had such a, I guess, rare kind of Christian upbringing, in that both of my parents are Christians, all my siblings are Christians, all their spouses are Christians, and all of our nieces and nephews, as far as we can tell, at this point there's 20 going on 27, the ones that have had an opportunity. have trusted in Christ. And that's just extremely unusual from what I understand. And so for me, the kind of pressure that I was getting was positive in nature. And it was a good example. But the more that I minister to people, the more humble that it makes me because Countless thousands of people do not have anything close to that. And there are pressures coming from the outside, and it's hard to resist those, or hard to reason against those. And so we need to have a biblical foundation as to why this is true. We've already tried this experiment in human history of just letting people go their own way, and it's called the time of the judges, when there was no king in Israel, and everyone did what was right in their own eyes, and it failed miserably. And we had to have a king like David come along and show us a better way. And that leadership is actually not a bad thing on its own, you know. He talks about some of his last words, I love them in 2 Samuel 23, 4-6, he talks about, you know, it's good leadership, Someone who rules in righteousness is like the light of the morning after the sun. It's like sunshine after the rain. He's like, that's what good leadership is. It should be refreshing to the person who's under that, not abusive on the one side and not chaotic on the other. And so that's what we should shoot for. I think I left a quote for you from Kevin DeYoung, but I want to actually leave you with another one that I didn't put in there because I didn't want this in writing because it's from Doug Wilson. But Doug Wilson actually has a good comment on gentle parenting that I just want to finish with, and then we'll see if you have any questions. He says, it all comes down to our fundamental assumptions about human nature. Do you believe in innate human goodness? Then in that case, you're a Pelagian, and this is good. This is going to skew everything about your child rearing. And then the rest of the quotations here. Such soft, flattering words will result in hard hearts. That sounds like it's from Proverbs. You fail to discipline your child, he's heading on a pathway towards death. The sinful heart needs a jackhammer, not a feather duster. One of the results of such a soft and erroneous assumption is that your home will become a place without gospel. So in other words, when we're pushing against the authoritarian model, we're saying, uh-oh, we don't want to have a home without the gospel, without forgiveness, without grace. It will be savage and cruel place, as well as a place that radically mischaracterizes itself. It will display a goopy and sentimental front, calling it gentle, while at the same time destroying the lives of the children. It will be savage, and the people caught up in it will be bewildered that we think them savage. The approach outlined here looks very hard to them, but it's sheep in wolves' clothing. And I think he's right. I mean, as much as we have to contend with Wilson on a lot of issues, I think he evaluates this properly. That we've actually created a form of parenting that's cruel. It's called gentle. Peace, peace, where there is no peace type of idea. But it's actually very cruel and savage in nature.